Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

Still here for you Phee

time that all of this has happened is still so breathtakingly short. Phee, please don't forget that that you've been in a bereavement and are grieving. Don't be afraid to tell us how you're feeling. We will all admire and support you, regardless of what you say.

Perhaps you've coped 'too well' on screen because you feel you 'have to' for the sake of what us MN'ers say. It's strange that we do that, considering we are all words on a screen, but I think MN is so much more than that. The support I've had in the past has helped me through some tough times (different UN) that this board and its members are often a lifeline.

There is no shame in how you behave. There is only shame for the person who has caused this car crash.

Walk through the this process, whatever the stages, and we are by your side. "When you are going through hell, keep walking".

Thinking of you.

I've pm,d her and suggested stepping back tonight. I think sges overdosed on us for now.
I suggested she wander off to read some classics to distract her for a bit grin

Well done, and thank you for that.

Morning Phee, I've been keeping up to date with you and just wanted to step in and be another to give you a virtual hug. I haven't walked in your shoes but can feel your pain and despair. You are receiving so much support and advice from so many people who have been in your position, it must be so bloody overwhelming, the collective support from mumsnet is almost palpable.
The advice to take a step back from here was great, can you also apply that to H? You do not have to make any decisions or commitments at this point, you must let the pain dull before you do that and if you can communicate to H that you need time, all the better. That doesn't mean he shouldn't see your DT's, far from it but it does mean he should see them on your terms. Please give yourself some time to think. You're at rock bottom now, but slowly, in small increments, you'll start to take control and the mumsnet army will all still be holding your hand.

Thank you for all your kind words everyone

Morning Phee Hope you got some sleep. Good luck with the solicitor. I know you've had lots of posts about how strong and dignified you're being and you are. But please don't feel like you have to be like that. Nobody would blame you if you stood outside WF's house screaming abuse or paid someone to fire a cannon load of dirty nappies at her door.
It's such early days. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other xx

Good morning ophelia

I hope you slept a little better last night and hope the meeting with the SHL goes well (may be write down points you want to discuss with him in case you forget?).

You are not silly and I would also want my old life back.

Please be kind to yourself, take one step at a time and embrace those good moments/days.

Look into mindfulness (lots of online courses).

Ophelia I'm really concerned about you .

Lots of PP have given you evidence about it not being in the DTs interests to meet OW for a long time- but you sound so hopeless and don't mention really standing up to him on this issue.
Please channel your anger for the sake of your DTs this man does not deserve to call the shots, he has no right to call the shots .
Being nothing but honest (and compassionate) it seems like some of the very good advice you are getting is falling on deaf ears.
I have been on this thread for the first day and believe me support isn't just about telling you how wonderful you are - it is also about being honest .
Thinking of you. x

Wow.

Blessed I'm sure Op absolutely doesn't want her Dc to meet OW , but in reality how can she stop them from meeting when Dh is looking after them?

Even her solicitor has told her it's not possible to stop him from introducing them to her.
It's clear he has no thoughts at all for her feelings in any of this, or for his Dc.

At some point OP, DH is gonna come crashing down from his fantasy cloud 9. The cosy family picture you paint of him and his new life is the one he's currently immagining, but it's built on delusions, don't be drawn into his fantasy. Composite families bring their own issues and his new relationship has foundations of lies and deceit. I'm so sorry he turned out to be such a dick

Good luck with Solicitor Phee!! He's a twat, you'll do what's best and will be there for the DTs if he cocks up again. Stay strong.

God luck for today Mrs x

blessed
Unfortunately the court would not uphold the op refusing contact for that reason.
I have a case at the moment with almost identical circumstsnces and there is nothing anyone can do.
My ex was fortunately guilty enough to comply with my wish not to introduce the ow to the children but the ops husband is clearly following his own immature selfish agenda so the op is pretty limited as to what you can do.

She can do, I meant.

Blessed

I think we need to remember that Phees emotionally involved in this, it is very easy for us to sit back and tell her what to do and then carry on with our happy lives

This man has been the only man in her life, her whole world was destroyed over night and she is reeling

She has demonstrated from the beginning her commitment to making sure her dts are okay and the true horror of her partners betrayal is really only coming to light, in a very short space of time she has had to get her head around the fact that the man she loves isn't coming back and now he wSnt to build a new family with her kids

I think she has been dignified, measured and heartbreakingly vulnerable and honest. She will do what she has to do in her own time and in a manner that she can live with.

You can do this love. It's hard, it's shit and it's so, so bloody unfair. But you can do this

Gerti's right you can and each day will get a little bit easier.

Still walking alongside you, Phee.

Thinking of you today Ophelia. Just remember that nobody is telling you what to do. You are in control and you will make the choices that are right for you.

I think that everybody is upset for you and wants to help. But just remember you can take or leave our opinions, and nobody is going to judge you for it. Keep going.

Phee love
Many of us do know how you feel and guess how much heart-broken, angry and confused you are now . We do guess that you cry a lot- you 'swear' a lot (I hope) and you insult him a lot to the real people who are around you, and show all your raw emotions and your angry reactions to them. You are a real woman and a real mother. We admire you because despite all your raw emotions and angry outbursts and yearnings to have him back and live again the life you had for 12 years a couple of days/weeks ago, you find enough strength to care for the well-being of your kids, and to write to us nice and dignified posts.
To a great extent you will be in denial for a long time- only shallow and callous people can strike off in the blink of an eye their 12-years long marriage and flaunt their vows to give a stable family life to their kids. Besides you would not have had kids had you known that you would be a single mother. So we do understand that you still wish he would come to his senses and come back to the marital home- to his duties as a 12 years husband and as a dad. For a couple of weeks, every day, every minute you will be numb and just hope that one day you will get up an realize that this was just a nightmare. Your heart will swing between hope and despair. Your mind will turn round and round to make sense of his behavior: is he the man I married? Is he the man I have been spending the last twelve years with? Is he the man I decided to have kids with and up to recently I even considered having more kids with? Is he the man who convinced me to give up my job to stay at home and raise our twins when he is away working to earn for us a good living? How can this man loose his head overnight- because of the persona this divorced girl created around her (she must have been very noisy about how she is dealing with her divorce: very self-promoting; quite shallow if anything), and following a blow job in a cupboard (not much self-esteem this girl). It is ABSURD. But absurd kills to start with. It will eventually help you grow and become stronger and more compassionate (I am sure you have always been compassionate- you will just be a bit more and you will even find strength to help others pull through hardship). Believe us and have faith: you will be happy again. Remember to come and swear at them on MN. If you are afraid that they might be lurking on your threads, I am sure that you can select any MN ladies on here and PM them to vent your anger. Now focus on lawyers and on finding babysitters that can be with your twins when you swallow some mild sleeping pill and have some sleep with some relaxing music in the background- or when you go out to some classes you like.
I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well. Good Luck! Big Hugs!

Phee if/when you do decide to come back here please know that we're only giving advice, not instructions on how to live your life.

I know I have been one of the voices saying not to show him any emotion, but honestly if you decided to turn up to their place of work and tear them both a new one, part of me would be cheering you on and nodding sagely from the sidelines. You're allowed to feel however you feel and you can take or leave the advice you receive here, we're just trying to support you as best we can.

Good luck with your solicitor today. I'm thinking of you.

Ophelia,

I think its pretty disgusting how he was going to manipulate your innocent children, with orchestrating an impromptu meeting in a park.
Honestly, he was actually planning on going down the route of not telling you DC that he has left or why and then, meeting this w in the park and that's how Daddy met his new love. Don't go there.

I know you are really hurting at the moment, but I would be refudsng access to him until agrees to he tell the children why he is no longer in the home, you can demand this.
You need to get him to go through why he is going to say and agree. I would demand he tells the truth, also you must ( and perhaps another family member, should be present for this). On no account is he to start crying, be very firm with him.

Again, I am sorry I don't mean to upset you, but he is playing the whole lot of you.

You need to protect yourself .