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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/05/2015 21:46

The bond and attachment between mother and child is at no risk from new partners.
I know a lot about this for my job and they are firmly attached to the primary care giver for the first 7 years.sfyer that they may form other attachments but none that rival the one they have with you.
And woman, will you stop putting WF on a bloody pedestal, she sounds like a loose moraled, spiteful, selfish, un insightful cunt.
All the beauty in the world won't change that.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 21:50

If she is so beautiful why does she have to resort to giving blow jobs in a cupboard to married men so that she can get herself a man?

OpheliaRose · 05/05/2015 21:50

I feel so tired but when i lie down my mind races ... I've tried a lot of the suggestions on here but nothing seems to work. The Dr advised against sleeping tablets in case i don't hear my DTs but i'm just so tired

OP posts:
HangingInAGruffaloStance · 05/05/2015 21:54

Would your Mum ( or friend, or DB) come and stay a few nights? Then she'd be there to respond and you could have sleeping tablets.

I totally understand why your family have contained their reactions. I don't think you should have to defend them for that Thanks

Ledkr · 05/05/2015 21:54

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/13306276-gone-girl

This is WF ^

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 21:56

Ledkr

Spot on

TinLizzie · 05/05/2015 21:57

Ophelia if you need something to help you sleep, please do try Nytol or something similar (there's a herbal version too, but they didn't work for me). They are for temporary use but they will ensure you get a good nights sleep. They are good in that they won't stop you hearing anything and you would be able to wake with a clear head if you need to. They just slow you down somewhat as they're so mild. I think they have in them the same ingredient used in Benylin (the drowsy one).

At least you'd get a good sleep.

ThunderbumsMum · 05/05/2015 21:58

I think you are being extremely short sighted about contact. You are setting an overnight precedent that means your h and ow will have your dt Friday to Sunday night and weeks at a time over Xmas, easter, summer (even if you say only at yr parents and only from Saturday at this stage). Please read the pm I sent you a few days ago - you need to be much smarter and work out what you want long term or things will not go well for you or dts. If your dts are not ready for 50/50 contact between you and your h and ow you must address that now.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 21:59

Yes I second that nytol are good!!

laurierf · 05/05/2015 22:00

Night Nurse works for me, but you can feel a little groggy the next morning - as suggested, maybe you could get your mum or someone to stay over so she could help with the twins in the morning. It's not enough to stop you waking up, can just make you feel a little groggy the next morning… but you do get a full night's sleep.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 22:02

Phew

What do you need from us just now? I am aware that we have all talked about what you need to do, but if you can't face hearing it all just now then please say

I think it would be a real shame if you ever felt you couldn't just come on here and share how you are feeling x

Ledkr · 05/05/2015 22:06

I've pm,d her and suggested stepping back tonight. I think sges overdosed on us for now.
I suggested she wander off to read some classics to distract her for a bit Grin

Frizzybear · 05/05/2015 22:10

ophelia hi babe, me again, know what pain your going through and you are getting such good advice here, on a practical note for sleeping, I got a box of phenergan 25mg tabs, take 2 or maybe 1 if your not sure, they are used for lots of things, antihistamine, sickness, but are also used for short term insomnia, they really are fab, don't make you out for the count but really have helped me get some sleep this last week, you buy them over the counter don't need to go to docs, obvs have a look at them first, but been a God send to me, I'm a nurse of 21 years and take eff all for anything, needs must baby girl Flowers

Fontella · 05/05/2015 22:10

I don't think we are agreeing at all, are we Parsnipbob?

I don't agree with sweeping generalisations of any description when talking about tens of millions of people. I disagree that 'in general' 'in British Society' 'we are not always that good at speaking out'. 'We' (it's that collective 'we' again) 'tend to think of things as not our business'.

No, I don't agree with any of that I'm afraid.

I dislike any generalisations on that scale. It's like saying all French people are rude. Or all Italians lazy etc. etc. Us British aren't very good at speaking out, like it's a national trend of some kind?

As far as I'm aware, Us British are made up of lots of individuals with different character traits and personalities and some of us will speak out, some of us won't, some of us will express anger, some of us will hide it. But that could be said of every human being on earth regardless of whether they are British or not.

I think when it comes to the likes of Opheliarose's H (LOVE the OP's screen name by the way), normal, right minded people the world over would have the same reaction that has been shown on this thread by virtually everyone who has posted - outrage, disgust, anger and disbelief. That's not me making a sweeping generalisation. You only have to read every single response on her to feel the strength of emotion Opheliarose's threads have generated.

But the reaction we are seeing on this thread doesn't equate with the real life reaction from friends, family and colleagues based upon what she has told us. That is the point I was making when I posted earlier and I don't think sweeping generalisations about British Society and collective 'we' assumptions explain that disparity.

But apparently one or two of the OP's friends did utter a 'few choice words' after all, which makes far more sense to me that the rather mute acceptance of everything this fucker has supposedly done.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 22:12

Fontella

This really isn't the time or the place

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 22:15

Ok Fontenella. Seriously don't understand your aggression as as far as I can tell I think the same as you do? My opinion was based on many of my own experiences including v similar situation to the OPs and my own experience of domestic abuse.

But this is not the time or the place and I'm not going to derail this thread.

Fontella · 05/05/2015 22:27

Not aggressive at all.

Certainly wasn't intending to be.

My last response was to Parsnipbob explaining why I don't agree with sweeping generalisations as you had posted directly to me:

Oh Fontella I just saw your response to me - I was agreeing with you so I think maybe we have miscommunicated. No beef there

Hope that clarifies.

Prior to that I was just curious about the real life reaction of those surrounding the OP but she has since posted with updates.

Apologies if I have contributed in any way tot the thread going off at a tangent.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 22:29

It wasn't a sweeping generalisation as I said IME and I sometimes think. Which it is and I do.

Hope you are ok Ophelia.

CheesyDibbles · 05/05/2015 22:49

Hi Ophelia, I hope you get some rest tonight. Trust your instincts, you are doing brilliantly.

AndyWarholsOrange · 05/05/2015 22:52

Phee I can feel your heart breaking. I think you're getting good advice to fight dirty. I'm sure it goes against every instinct you have as a normal, rational, kind and decent human being. But your H is not behaving like you are, all he is thinking about is himself. FFS, his idea about 'accidentally' bumping into her in the park is really beyond insane. What does he propose happens after that? Please get a separate phone for him to contact you on. Make it absolutely clear that all your decisions around contact are related with what is in the best interest of DTs and nothing to do with bittterness/vitriol about WF. I have never wanted so much to give a hug tosomeone I've never met.
I don't know where you are but I'd love to have a team Ophelia meet-up in the summer - just maybe a picnic somewhere. You are amazing. I haven't been in your position but I've been hospitalised for severe depression and I can remember the feeling of just getting through the next minute. You ae doing so well. We are all her for you.

ClareAbshire · 05/05/2015 23:41

Hi opheliaRose

Just caught up. Can't believe this new turn with your arsehole ex and the mil apparently facilitating it too. What a fucking family.

I had a terrible time after a long term partner left me suddenly and without warning. I didn't have any kids so I just fell to pieces, had nothing like your strength and dignity. But I remember about 2 weeks in was the lowest point. It did get better after that.

Sending you much love.

crapfatbanana · 06/05/2015 00:06

Wow... OpheliaRose (lovely name) - I've read all three threads and I am staggered by the lack of sensitivity from that man. He clearly doesn't give a shit. I know it's impossible for you to see it now, but he has done you a big favour by going.

I have total admiration for how you are dealing with all this and have no doubt that you're going to come through in one piece.

By the way, if you still want a shortbread recipe, the one I use is 7oz plain flour and 1oz of semolina, with 6oz of cold cubed butter rubbed in until it's like sand, then 2oz of caster sugar mixed in. I just squash it into a tray with my fingers and score it into fingers and prick with a fork then bake for 25-30 mins on a low temp (about 160-170c) so it goes firm but stays pale in colour. Really simple and yummy.

Hope you manage to sleep well tonight. X

crapfatbanana · 06/05/2015 00:08

Forgot to say that I scatter more sugar on when it's cooked.

Keep doing nice things for yourself and your twins - you bloody deserve it.

FriendofBill · 06/05/2015 00:40

Piriton to help you sleep?
brings on a slightly drowsy feeling.
Good for short term.

Flowers
Dumdedumdedum · 06/05/2015 04:26

Good morning, OpheliaRose. I hope you managed to sleep last night and that you have a slightly better day today. You are not being at all silly, you are FANTASTIC and being completely normal.
I hope all goes well with your solicitor and that you manage to channel your inner "She-Devil" with regard to your H so that he realises that you are a force to be reckoned with and you will not be walked all over, in particular with regard to your twins, whose best interests you, not he, have at heart.

{{{{{Virtual Hugs}}}}}

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