Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

I think in Britain we are terrified of being seen as 'making a fuss' or 'causing trouble'

What, all 65 odd million of us? That's a sweeping generalisation if ever I read one.

How come there are punch ups, fights, arguments, fall outs, disputes ... happening in thousands of homes everywhere every single day, if that's the case? Neighbours falling out, road rage, facebook spats, twitter spats etc. etc.

We aren't all walking around 'terrified of making a fuss'.

From what I can gather not one single person in real life has expressed any kind of outrage or anger at what this fucker has done. Yet every single poster on here has - and that to me is what a 'normal' reaction to his actions and behaviour would be.

But it seems in the town where Ophelia and her ex live - people don't seem to react as we do?

I just find it rather odd and I don't think I'm alone in that.

.............

Just seen your update Ophelia. There's nothing 'shameful' in having normal human reactions. If that's the case then everyone on here who has called your H a c**t and other choice epithets and conveyed anger, rage and disgust .. are shameful?

Why would you think your anger and crying and your friends expressing anger at your H is 'shameful'.

Please do share such reactions - because they are far more normal than the rather numb acceptance that appeared to be the case, from what you have told us until now.

Ophelia, your life wasn't what you thought it was so you really don't want it back. What you in actual fact want back is the false version of it that your husband managed to trick you into thinking existed.

It hurts to face that reality, in fact its so painful that people can want their 'old life' back for a very long time even though they know its not the best thing for them.

I wish we could make it better for you.

xxx

Relate your concerns to the solicitor and take the legal advice.

I completely understand the anger on this thread but you must do everything with appropriate advice on what you can insist on and what you can't.

It's not about emotion. It's not about anger. It's not about what he deserves or doesn't. It's about what is best for your children and what that means in law and how it will look in the future to anyone (including your children).

Ice in your veins Ophelia - what's best for the children and what is reasonable in law. You will be beyond reproach if you consider all this and take the legal advice.

What he has done to you and your family is horrendous and cannot be excused. But he will always be the Father of your children. And I'm not a 'he's the Dad' excuser at all. Just saying that this man will always be in your life in one way or another and you need to be taking appropriate advice and acting on it. Do it all by the book and no-one can ever accuse you of being anything other than a sensible human being and an excellent Mother.

You are strong and dignified. Do everything appropriately. Don't act out of fear or pain, express your concerns and act on the advice.

And I know it's fucking hard but please don't ever let him have an inch in suggesting you were anything otherwise. He will do it. All bets are off with him now, he is not on your side. Do it all with backing you can evidence and then he can never paint you as bitter, unreasonable or obstructive or any of the other things he'll try to pull out of the bag.

Ophelia, I think I am right in saying that we would all like to give him a massive, collective kick in the nuts on your behalf. I feel so angry for you. You have done nothing wrong at all.

Bless you Ophelia. There a lot of virtual hugs here from a bunch of women who don't know you, but we all admire you so much. We think you're an amazing person who has been very deeply wronged. Can someone come over tonight? You've been through a lot today. Xxx

I don't think it's that unusual for everyone not to beat him to a pulp,
It's not useful to phee if her family are facing assault charges. Don't add to her woes by making her feel uncared about!

phee you are in limbo. Nothing is decided, you don't know about money, work, housing, custody and contact, it's exhausting.
Once you get some of that set in stone you will start to feel better.
You are stil in shock, this has all been so sudden, I was the same. One minute I was at zumba, married with 4 kids, I got home, my sister was there to tell me he was cheating and I was suddenly a single mum
These weeks are the worse times, it all feels unreal. I used to occasionally sleep then wake up and go straight back into shock.
Once Id sorted childcare, benefits, maintainence and contact I felt as if I could start to live again.
Try to at least tick off contact arangements tomorrow.

Can you have a night out soon? It really helps.
You need to drink, laugh and remind yourself you are still alive with an exciting life ahead.

I'm sorry but I would have to humiliate him, even just in his head.

"People can't believe how badly you've behaved - especially after they've seen the photos that you left on the computer...." innocent face

(I too have the rage on your behalf)

(Though to be honest I would have emailed his cock photos and her skanky breast photos to both of their families and bosses within 5 minutes of finding out, so don't listen to me.)

i guess i felt ashamed how my anger turned to me crying and begging wanting him back despite everything he's done. I'm not doing a pick me dance i know i'd lose but at the same time I would give almost anything to not be in this position.

Ophelia there would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel like that. You are handling a shitty horrible shocking situation as well as you possibly can x

Oh God, I am so sorry.

Don't feel ashamed, you are only human and you hadn't spoken to him in a while, it is very normal to react like this.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are a decent person. Most people have done the same. You need to allow yourself time to grieve.

Please don't have any more telephone conversations, it really won't help you.

Make yourself a cup of tea or something, do anything to stop thinking about him for a while. Do you have any friends you can call over to chat with, its not good to be on your own right now.

This is a very difficult time for you.

You are still in shock and grieving. Grieving for they life and man you thought you had, it is so painful and exhausting Phee and my heart honestly goes out to you. Nth pain is so overwhelming at time that you could just fall to your knees. There is a sense of total bleakness and you feel bereft

The only thing that I can promise my lovely is that is does get better, to the point , one day you will wake up and it won't be the first thing you think about, you will close your eyes at night and the loneliness no longer takes over you

But for know you need to gather everything you have and fight, this man has proved that there is no low he won't sink to. Be very very careful Phee, you can no longer give him any power...the most powerful force you have just now is the love for your kids and you need to use that to get angry of their behalf, you need to start playing hardball and protecting them, you cannot afford to give and inch to this man, he has shown you that he will take a mile

I completely understand why you feel that way, but even if he came back the relationship would never be the same. You've seen him for what he is, you'd never feel the same about him again.

I know it's hard now but I'm certain there will be wonderful things ahead especially now your rid of that awful man. Just plough ahead with the sensible advice all the amazing women up thread have given you. We're all in your corner cheering you on.

Also I have a friend who has to pass a mutual friends ex everyday on the commute to work and completely blanks them, that ex did a really nasty number on our friend but it's not in her interests for us to create waves.

What you're feeling is perfectly normal, which is why we're encouraging your inner ice queen, so that he doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing how you really feel. Fake it till you make it Phee. One day you won't feel the way you feel today.

I imagine you don't feel it but you are so young (younger than those royals who've just had the baby) - you really do have a really fulfilling and happy life ahead of you, as a mum, in a career and, yes, - as bizarre and wrong as it may seem now - as a woman who is treasured by a new man worthy of her and of being involved in her children's life. Right now, you are surviving rather than living (and bloody hell you're doing an amazing job in just a matter of weeks!) so of course the 'old life' pre-WF seems like it is the best option for you… but you WILL start living again and then you WILL start thriving and you WILL be happier than ever.

Ledkr has, again, given you some great advice about what it takes to start the process of living again:

"Try to at least tick off contact arrangements tomorrow"

Talk again to the solicitor about the fact that you are happy for him to have regular contact but you need to know how you can go about this on the terms on which you're comfortable (given that he does not have a permanent residence, that the twins are very young and have not done overnights with him without you for any length of time, it's only been 3 weeks etc.). Get together the internet research on exactly why the twins should not be exposed to WF for some time yet. Find out what is and isn't legally possible and then work from there. Trust your gut - is your lawyer the best one for you? Maybe so… if in doubt, maybe worth a second opinion.

Look, I've never been in your position, but I've read so many threads from posters left in the same horrific situation as you're in. I know that the official MN advice (and probably legal too) is to facilitate access for the sake of the kids and ultimately I suppose that is what you'll have to do. However, I'm not sure I could stop myself from telling him that there is no way on this earth he was going to be playing happy families with WF and my children this side of hell freezing over and that contact will happen with him and his parents only. If I were to find out that WF had been anywhere on the scene AT ALL, (certainly for the next 6 months) then contact would cease altogether.

OK, so I know that I wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on, but at least he'd get the message loud and clear that he was not to photo-shopping WF into my slot in the family album where the kids were concerned, at least.

sorry for being so silent - i've just reached a point of sheer heartbreak right now.

I just want my children to be happy and have a wonderful life. I hate that they wil go to Daddy's and have a happy "family" there with a new brother and pretty fun mum who Daddy adores then come home to me ... What happens if they start to prefer being there than with me.

I feel sick at the idea

If I was you Ophelia I would want my old life back too. Noone should be telling you what to think... (MN is great at that!!) people have given you some brilliant advice but some of them can be a bit overbearing with 'you must do this, you should think this'. It's all very well your head and the lovely ladies on MN telling you rationally that your H is a despicable waste of space but your heart is probably still telling you that this was the man you love(d) who fathered your beautiful children. And sadly you, and far more importantly your DT, are stuck with him being their Dad. For their sake, please don't forget that whatever horrific stinky shit he is shovelling at you at the moment, your kids are his kids too and were conceived in love. And, though I would undoubtedly want to call him all the names under the sun (preferably to his face) I would never do it in front of the kids.
My dh's dad buggered off for an OW when he was tiny. His devastated mum was very young, no MN, no siblings, not a whole lot of support, and her life fell apart. So - understandably, if utterly wrongly, she took it out on dh. Every time she looked at him he reminded her of his dad. And whenever she had a bad day dh got told alternately 'your Dad can't have really loved you or he wouldn't have walked out', 'your Dad is an evil b*d', 'you're just like your Dad' etc. etc. Unsurprisingly my poor dh was a nervous, anxious, quiet kid with low self esteem and various associated problems. Took him years to grow out of it. MIL did later marry another man who adores her and rebuilt her life, and to a reasonable extent rebuilt her relationship with my dh, but these things can't be unsaid.
And no I'm NOT saying you would do this Ophelia (before people crucify me!), I guess I am just saying that possibly the hardest thing will be not to let your kids know quite what a shit their Dad is when they are tiny... after all they can't help it. And they will work out what he's like quite soon enough as they grow up.
I feel so, so sorry for you Phee, you didn't ask for any of this, and you are going to have to be very very strong to get your kids through it, but you can do it, and you have a huge amount of support being sent your way, I can feel the virtual hugs all through this thread... Have some more from me xx

Oh and fwiw Ophelia my dh did NOT grow to love OW, he couldn't stand her, and he was only about 3... I wouldn't worry too much there. And she didn't last that long either before cheating H had moved on again.

I'd make things as hard as fucking possible for the bastard. He would play fucking happy families with my DC's when hell froze over.

Ophelia my love that is NOT going to happen.

My scumbag dad left my mum for OW over a decade ago. I still refuse to set foot in their house. She is not invited to my wedding. All my siblings feel the same.

Of course you feel like you've hit rock bottom, it's probably the shock of it all hitting you. All the more reason to ensure you have friends and family around you. Call someone and arrange to meet up tomorrow.

I feel for you ophelia. Who can blame you for wanting things to be as they were a couple of weeks ago. Why should you have to deal with all of this?
You have done nothing wrong. It's so bloody unfair. I'm so so sorry.
But you will move on in time. Don't do anything impulsive in the meantime. Take comfort from your family and friends. Take comfort from us!!! Scream, shout and cry if it helps. Xxxx

Oh Fontella I just saw your response to me - I was agreeing with you so I think maybe we have miscommunicated. No beef there :)

I was just saying in general in British society I don't think we are always that good at speaking out. We tend to think of things as not our business.