Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

No-one thinks you are silly Ophelia, it takes a while to work out your own thoughts sometimes as so much of it conflicts inside your head.

I hope the appointment goes well tomorrow and the advice backs up what you want to do.

Christina - well done!

Oh honey my heart goes out to you. What an absolute idiot he is!

I absolutely agree that you should only agree to what you feel comfortable with when it comes to contact with him, OW & the twins,

However, it does make me wonder how long they'd be "in love" with 2yr old twins in the mix. Probably be lovely and plain sailing, even cute for a few weeks, until she gets sick of the tantrums, dribble, mess, wee accidents on her lovely rug, toys everywhere, dirty hand prints on the walls. Let's face it, parents love their children unconditionally, but anyone else would find certain aspects of other people's children annoying.

I have a 2yr old and mine would certainly give anyone a run for their money. I also have step son and as much as I love him (he's 15), those younger years were hard.

I am in no way saying you should agree contact, you should only do what's right for you and the twins. I'm just giving you an insight into the reality of he did end up playing happy families

Ophelia, we don't think your silly.

There are many of us here who've walked the same road as you in various guises and we've all made decisions based on not knowing any other way to do things. This is a learning curve, a very steep and painful one, and you're doing fabulously well.

As for him appearing to get away with it all? Sadly is the world we live in where people consider it best practice to not say much in case it blows up in their face. I also think that this kind of disgraceful behaviour is so much a part of life nowadays that people think - well what the point to saying something because it goes on all the time.

Your dad and your brother - I bet they tell each other in private what they'd like to be doing to your husband. Just because it doesn't actually happen doesn't mean they wouldn't like it to.

Im gald to your seeing your solicitor because one way or another your husband has to be slowed down re the kids and the horrible cow he's involved with.

I agree with the posters above especially LEDKR's 'fuck him'. Learn a new mantra 'he's not my friend'. He's a patronising, controlling prick expecting you to rollover and just take all this shit. He's not being reasonable. Hope your visit to the SHL goes well, get controlled angry and 'shields up'.

I think in Britain we are terrified of being seen as 'making a fuss' or 'causing trouble'. Hence why bastards like this one get off scott free.

This is true to an extent. I'm by no means the sort of person who offers an unsolicited opinion on other people's choices normally, and I try not to judge others too harshly (except on mn ), but I have been known to give my views on situations like this IRL. I can't help myself.

Oh and as my BF would say, 'I hope his next shite is a hedgehog'

I'm stunned that some of the posters on here don't work for Hallmark

I think DB and Dad are also really worried about upsetting me too much. I've done my fair share of crying screaming and shouting but over all I don't know I've been very numb. I think they think something small would send me over the edge.

I'm not sure how to handle the situation really I jut feel like I've died ... My whole mind is numb most of the time right now :(

It's amazing how fast a man can run when there is a pile of Armani and Ralph Lauren floating down the water.....

I switched the heat exchanger off knowing that when my husband came home after a week away the first thing he'd do would be run out of the changing room and dive in the deep end of the pool without stopping to draw breath. He hated cold water and kept the pool at blood temperature all year round and what with it being the middle of our ME winter it was kind of chilly anyway - but not chilly enough for me not to be sitting on our upstairs balcony with a drink in my hand, watching.

I said we had a power cut and that the switch must have tripped blah blah blah - all very plausible excuses in this part of the world.

I still laugh about it now when Im testing the temp of the pool with my tootsies before jumping in, just in case the bloody switch has tripped without me knowing it.

I think DB and Dad are also really worried about upsetting me too much.

I think you are spot on with this.

Dear Ophelia, I really am in awe of you that you've been so dignified through this horrible situation and wish there was something I could say that would help. I just looked back at your first thread and your horrible H reminds me a lot of my ex.

Just remember, if he wanted to be with WF so much, how is it that it took you discovering what they'd been up to for him to leave. He has no decency or courage and as for his most recent behaviour it's utterly selfish. I wonder whether there were signs of his flawed character previously?

From my experience, no matter what he says, if he has time with the children he will find a way to introduce them to her. Though if she's his great love, I can't understand why everything needs to be rushed.

My advice is the same as others, minimal contact with him, brief factual email responses are best. Focus on your life, goals, joy etc and your children.

Will be thinking of you.

You are silly. Of course you are numb.

Please be kind to yourself

X

I meant you are not silly! Doh!

hitting head on wall after typo

[embaressed]

it's not so much the fact that no-one's thumped him. Or read him the riot act. It's the apparent lack of reaction, full stop.

I understand why someone who finds herself in your position would be 'numb' Ophelia, I just don't quite understand why everyone else in your real life is also 'numb'.

We are all normal people on here and look at how outraged the responses are. Disgusted, fuming, some people getting upset over it etc. etc. Normal human reactions.

But in 'real life' the reaction of everyone is muted to say the least.

So has no-one said 'what a fucking bastard' or worse, or got angry on your behalf? If you were my friend I'd be apoplectic, and if I saw him in the pub or the street, I'd leave him in no doubt whatsoever as to my feelings. Not just report - oh I've seen your husband of 12 years who was still living with you a fortnight ago, walking down the street, bold as brass, with his new girlfriend and her child.

Where are the people who are disgusted, angry, outraged in real life? Any right minded person would be and perfectly natural and understandable.

Also, hope you don't mind me asking but is it a very small town/village as lots of people seem to be running into each other and seeing each other - like you seeing him going into the restaurant and kissing in the street?

My ex moved to the same town as me after we split - but I've never so much as clapped eyes on him once in over 10 years. Lucky I guess.

font not that small but DB and I love fairly close together so it doesn't surprise me he sees H as they go to the same pubs and places.

I went to the supermarket retail park close to his work forgetting it has places to eat when I saw him

Just joining in with the astonishment at how reasonable everyone's being with Phee's cuntish husband.

My DD's now ex left her for OW when DD was 37 weeks pregnant with their 2nd child. OW knew all about DD, pregnancy and all. DD went into labour early with the shock.

A month later I was shopping with DD and newborn when we unexpectedly came across ex and OW. Well my reaction was visceral, no thought involved. I wasn't physical but I told both of them exactly what I thought of them and their behaviour. I was shaking with a rage that took me totally by surprise. The angrier I became the more articulate I became.

They were both shame faced and mumbling while onlookers watched with interest. I'm usually such a calm, naice person.

Their relationship lasted less than 2 years before he kicked her out and moved another woman in. He has expressed his regret and shame many times to DD. Too bad, matey. Not to me though, he tries to avoid me .

Both ex and OW left their jobs as their colleagues were so disgusted with them they felt like pariahs.

My DD's doing just fine, btw, best ever. You'll be fine too Phee, it's early days. Thinking of you .

I went to the supermarket retail park close to his work forgetting it has places to eat when I saw him

That was certainly bad luck and unfortunate timing Ophelia, seeing him kissing her right there on the street/retail park or wherever it was.

This man makes me feel SO vindictive. As PP said, he definitely comes in the top 10 and close to the top of awful ExH's. There was another one I remember who was shagging his secretary and wife at the same time, and kept veering between the two of them, and said he was in love with both of them. He was pretty close to the top too, but sadly that DW was putting up with it, and allowed him back after a couple of weeks of him playing her. You are doing so well, Ophelia, and I am glad ExH hasn't given you that option. It could be worse, he could be begging for you back whilst still going on about being in love with WF! (And we would all be shouting NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO).

Oh, Ophelia. I feel so sad for you. That you are not only going through this, but having to deal with him just being unspeakably awful on top. You honestly couldn't make it up. He seems to be just in another league of superficiality and detachment.

I would actually love this to go to court and for it all to come out, preferably in front of MIL. All the sordidness and all those pictures/ chats you have saved. I want the 'wank fodder' to come out in court, so so badly (can't quite see how, but anyone have ideas?). I can just see it being read by a middle aged, overweight solicitor.

His family seem to be Dysfunctional with a capital D so its obvious nothing will come from them.

People in the work place? Personally I suspect that a few weeks down the line the H and OW will be feeling the fact people will stop talking when they walk into rooms.

Ophelias family? I suspect dad and DB will have there say but for now they are biding their time.

There's more than one way to skin a cat and playing the long game can be very satisfying.

I have no idea what people at work think.

I'm sorry you all think no one has reacted strongly enough my DB friend and Nuk have all had some pretty choice words to say just like I've done lots of screaming crying begging etc I just haven't shared all my shameful moments with you all ...

You have nothing to be sorry for.

Absolutely nothing.

Please stop apologising.

xxxxx

I don't want to sound ride ok so grateful to all of you ... In tired and my heart feels shattered into a million pieces.

I want my old life back

I hear you.

Xx