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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 05/05/2015 17:33

Given the background you just gave about his brothers' family relationships/breakdowns, it's becoming clear why your prick of an ex feels so entitled and reasonable to behave this way. What a horrible family he must come from. Also, even if his mother does side with him, that doesn't mean she can't also support you. But she's not even trying, is she?

I would phone shl and take advice on the toughest possible stance you can take regarding access whilst not creating any damage in terms of how a judge would look on your conduct in future. If feasible, I would be tempted to say supervised contact only until it is all formally agreed. You hold a good hand here in legal terms given all the disgusting evidence you have of your ex's behaviour during the affair, which I believe your ex still isn't aware you have? That should shock the bastard.

Your ex is not putting your dts first and I think that is extremely worrying. The sheer fact he wanted to introduce ow to them this weekend is terrifying and beyond my comprehension.

The whole lot of them are disgusting.

I hope you're ok.

Phoenix0x0 · 05/05/2015 17:35

ninety

Good post.

Sorry to hear how your children are suffering.

Can I say ophelia I adopted my DC when she was 11 months old. People told us, 'she's Young she won't remember', ' she won't notice'.....the fact is they were wrong.

She was extremely stressed and this played out in her behaviour....lots of regression and extreme emotions.

Young children know. They may be verbal, but at two they cannot process things like an adult.

Flowers
SuchSweetSorrow · 05/05/2015 17:36

He really is a complete, thoughtless bastard. They do NOT bloody need to be meeting her anytime soon.

You are doing SO well. My twins are only a year older than yours so I completely appreciate how knackering that is alone.

God they are both vile, you really are worth so much more

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 17:39

Your solicitor may be nice but is he/she a shit hot divorce lawyer

The prick is not going to behave like a decent human being, you need to have your bases covered

I know this is agony for you and my heart goes out to you, but big girl pants now Phee, you are fighting for everything now, the tears need to come later

Flowers
iwashappy · 05/05/2015 17:44

Ophelia decide what you would be okay with contact wise, both in terms of what you feel is appropriate for your twins and what you can deal with emotionally.

Decide if that contact involves overnight stays or not at this stage. You may feel it is entirely inappropriate for the first overnight stay to be this early and to involve two nights. Decide what you want contact wise at the moment, forget about thinking too long ahead just see what feels right or wrong at this moment.

When you have decided what you feel is appropriate for you and the twins then tell your husband what the contact will involve. Tell him your reasons, if for example you decide an overnight stay is not yet appropriate because you feel it will be to soon for the twins and any changes to their lives need to be introduced gradually then explain that. Tell him that if he is a responsible and caring father he will respect your wishes because as the twins mother you know their needs the best. Do this by email and present it to him as a done deal.

You are permitting him access to his children so you are not in any way being unreasonable. I very much doubt that any legal advice would stipulate that he has a right to have the children overnight at this stage bearing in mind their age and the small amount of time since he left.

Do not let him dictate to you what happens, you are their mother and he cannot be relied upon to put his own selfish needs behind that of his own children. The twins welfare comes before what he wants.

goshhhhhh · 05/05/2015 17:53

Sorry not to be around for a while. Please talk to your solicitor and work out what is right for the twins. Small children do remember and mostly it is an implicit memory - it is seared onto their brain and has no reason but is apparent as an emotional response. The research shows that whatever the setup mothers have a much bigger impact on children than fathers (im sure someone will come along and dispute this) & is thought to be as a result of early bonding. Whilst they do need to see him they need as little disruption as possible to feel secure and they certainly don't need another woman in their lives yet as this will start to make them feel insecure. (read up on attachment theory if you are interested)
He is thinking about only his needs and not the twins. Any introduction would need to be very carefully managed. How will he answered their questions? How will he managed if they get upset or God forbid don't like the ow. He is asking a lot of small people. Sorry to be blunt if he doesn't care about you he should care about them and if he can't or won't you are going to have to fight for what is best for them.

Fontella · 05/05/2015 17:53

Ophelia, I agree with the above posts. I think you are being too nice to him (and I really don't mean that as a criticism)

To be honest Ophelia ... from what you've written ... everyone in real life is being too nice to him.

The sense of outrage on this thread is palpable. This bastard has behaved off the scale bad - despicable, almost unbelievable in some ways. In a top ten of MN all time bastards, - he's got to come pretty close to the number one spot. You can sense from every post of everyone reading how utterly disgusted they are with him.

And yet ... there doesn't seem to be that reaction from anyone you mention in real life? You say his mother just accepted everything he told her after 12 years of being married to you and rang you and said 'we will be seeing less of you in the future'. No regret, no disappointment, nothing.

Your dad did the handover and said your ex was pleasant and friendly and your brother is still 'friends' with him on facebook. You make no mention of the reaction from anyone else. If you were a friend or famiy member of mine I'd want to rip his head off and shit down his neck (knicked that from someone else on here) I'd be that fucking angry at the appalling way he has treated you.

Yet in little over a fortnight, this fucker has waltzed out of his marriage leaving three year old twins, straight into the arms of his mistress. He's seen several times in public (including by you kissing in the street apparently on their way to a restaurant) by your brother in town with her child and by various friends in the pub. His job is unaffected, his reputation appears unaffected, he's flaunting his new relationship left, right and centre ... and no-one seems to be particularly angry at him - apart from the respondents to this thread?

goshhhhhh · 05/05/2015 17:57

Sorry if I am being a bit bossy.
I think you are great and I am wondering if your h has any insight or even empathy for others. I actually pity the ow - because once her 'trophiness' has worn off he will be off (and probably blame her for all of this when it takes two to tango).

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 17:57

Fontella

I know, I have been wondering why someone hasn't decked him

Fontella · 05/05/2015 17:58

Fontella, I know, I have been wondering why someone hasn't decked him

Yes, most odd.

goshhhhhh · 05/05/2015 18:01

I suspect he is charming and manipulative.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 18:02

It wouldn't matter how charming he was, if it was my daughter, sister, friend I would kill him

Fontella · 05/05/2015 18:08

I suspect he is charming and manipulative

So charming and manipulative that no-one is angry or disgusted at him for having sex and blow jobs at work, while still having sex with his wife of 12 years and within a day of discovery /leaving his wife and two small children ... flaunting his relationship all over town apparently, in the pub, in the street, posting pictures of himself in bed with his girlfriend, and in town with her child?

He must be very, very charming and manipulative indeed that not one single person has taken this fucker to task in real life. Not even the OP's dad?

Or if they have, she certainly hasn't mentioned it.

Even the most 'charming and manipulative' don't escape criticism and redress .. but this one seems to be swanning around replacing one woman with another in the most blatant, and jaw droppingly callous way .. and everyone just seems to be accepting it?

Where's the anger, disgust, outrage? I'm just not getting it, other than from the respondents to this thread.

goshhhhhh · 05/05/2015 18:09

So would I but it is amazing how many people get suckered in

HootyMcTooty · 05/05/2015 18:09

Even if he's fucking Prince Charming personified, I'd still give him a piece of my mind.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 18:10

Agree, have to say if he was my H he'd have disappeared off the side of a cliff by now. Mother and siblings would see to that! I actually wouldn't put it past my mum to go bang on his door.

I think in Britain we are terrified of being seen as 'making a fuss' or 'causing trouble'. Hence why bastards like this one get off scott free.

Fontella · 05/05/2015 18:11

So would I but it is amazing how many people get suckered in

The whole town from the sounds of it ...

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 18:12

Ophelia, with a mother as shallow as your MIL its no surprise your husband is the way he is.

Anyway, I would refuse point blank to let him have the chidren based on him and those around him being absolutely fucking bonkers. Just tell him you are seeking professional advice about it. And in the meantime maybe this will help you. I googled access to the OW and this came up. www.lawandparents.co.uk/can-i-stop-children-meeting-husbands-partner.html

As for you solicitor - just exactly what is he or she doing?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 18:14

I think they have tried to play nice in case they got back together...however that time is past....

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 18:15

Wee birdie

Have been wondering the same thing

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 05/05/2015 18:19

Sorry been making dinner just tired to catch up.

Thank you all for your advice unknown you all think I'm silly but I am listening.

I spoke with my solicitor and will be going for an appointment tomorrow to discuss access and custody options.

No no one has hit him as far as I'm aware but I expect that's more out of respect for me I don't want to give him any excuses to used against me and my dad or burgher being done for assault would not be good

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 18:23

No mrs, we don't think you are silly at all, we are all just very worried about you

You have shown a lot of dignity and strength and restraint, unlike me who threw all his clothes in the pool Wink

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 18:25

It's amazing how fast a man can run when there is a pile of Armani and Ralph Lauren floating down the water.....

iwashappy · 05/05/2015 18:25

I think a lot of people don't think it is their place to say what they think unless they are close family of the cheated on spouse. A lot of friends and neighbours, for example, tend to be friends of both of the couple and even though they might criticise him a lot in private might not want to get too involved by giving him a public dressing down. I found a lot of people minded their own business unless they were directly involved.

But yes I would have expected dad and brother to have come down harder on Ophelia's husband.

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2015 18:26

People don't think you're silly. You are right. A fight wouldn't actually solve anything. We all just feel so angry for you Phee and H seems to a getting away with causing a world of pain, so far unscathed!

You are doing the right thing. Calm and calculated. If you're advised that overnights aren't necessary so you think you'd still go for them? It is always your choice remember.

I hope it goes well tomorrow. Good luck