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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 16:07

Given your concerns about it being early days and not wanting the twins to meet the OW yet, and in order not to look unreasonable, I think you need to suggest an alternative compromise. On Saturday, let him come to your house, which is a familiar environment for the twins, and you go out as he comes in. Let him stay till their bath and bed-time and leave when he's done that. Repeat on Sunday. Maybe have a family member around to keep an eye out for OW turning up. Ask your solicitor if that might be feasible?

BoredAdminGirl · 05/05/2015 16:07

I guess with their past behsviour you could have concerns about his and her possible lack of sexual boundaries THIS

Not to mention he is a compulsive liar. I would insist on supervised contact.

I am so angry for you, it's unreal. I wonder what OW would say if you told H that OW could meet Twins but only if you were present..

I can't believe she is allowing him to pester you to allow her to meet the twins. She really has no idea

TinLizzie · 05/05/2015 16:12

It sounds as though you won't have much choice if he's determined to introduce WF to the DTs, unfortunately. He'll find a way to do it behind your back anyway, and that will make you feel even worse.

This is the next difficult step you have to take, but we'll be holding your hand...

And remember, children have a way of seeing through people. Straight through them, so there's no guarantee that DTs will 'take' to WF. They are likely to reject her, even at their tender ages.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 16:12

I also agree with Fearless91 - please remember, he is not the boss of you any more.

eminthebigsmoke · 05/05/2015 16:12

Just want to point out that the rationale behind not introducing WF yet is to prevent children from the confusion of seeing their mother 'replaced'. Of course there is an element that if they meet and then the relationship turns sour there are additional feelings of abandonment, but this is separate.
So that heads off the potential of an awful conversation abou how sure he is they will stay together, because it's not relevant.

Ophelia I really hope you're okay, and that it's not distressing to hear complete strangers discuss your life in such dispassionate terms. I think we all just probably feel that can lend a perspective that you don't have the luxury of as you're in the middle of it.

BoredAdminGirl · 05/05/2015 16:13

This is true, probably can't get much worse once he has done introductions

Akifden · 05/05/2015 16:18

He just gets worse. He has no empathy whatsoever. I have nothing to add to what the other very sensible posters have but I'd be tempted to definitely say no overnight visits and I would also call MIL and tell her why. I have to say there's something wrong with a family where all the sons have grown up and had affairs (I think that's what you said, sorry if I got it wrong) so I won't be surprised if your concerns fall on deaf ears there. So sorry for you.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 16:22

Actually, It can get a lot worse.

Just to prepare you, I would bet my life on it, he was lying to your father about renting somewhere for 6 months. He is a complete liar and not to be trusted.

As soon as he get the twins to meet the OW, he will go down the road of having them stay overnight in her place, he is probably living there already.
He may well use this against you in the divorce, as, they children are already use to her and settled there. Be warned.

MaMaof04 · 05/05/2015 16:23

Oh dear! So you say that she fits his family's standards! How did his nephews/nieces cope with the break up of their parents? How do they feel in this obsessed by look family?
Oh Ophelie it is not only the dad but the family who are setting a bad example to the twins. You really have to discuss all this with a child psychologist and of course with a lawyer- for the sake of your kids! They must definitely be more exposed to your family than to his.
He is beyond redemption!
Good Luck dear! You escaped an emotionally anorectic H!

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 16:28

I know it's difficult, but take a step back and calm Down. Phone your solicitor and then your mum and brother

You are in this for the long haul and you dont want anything you do now to have repercussions later on

You must stop having verbal communication with him as this can't be evidenced....think smart

TinLizzie · 05/05/2015 16:36

OP you're in a pickle because everyone on here will give you good advice, but it will differ slightly in scenario and you could end up more confused than ever.

I think you need to ask yourself what exactly you fear the most from DTs meeting WF. I don't think it's right that they do - not for one minute. But I think it's going to happen before you want it to and you need to be prepared for that.

So... what is your worst fear about that scenario? Is it that the DTs will be confused and upset, or is it the fear that they might like WF? I'm not trying to make you feel worse so sorry if these words sound harsh. I just think there is an inevitability to them meeting her it and if you can face your worst fear in your own private time and form an emotional barrier to it, it will help you deal with it.

TinLizzie · 05/05/2015 16:37

Before you're ready, I mean. Not before you want it to.

Wrong words - sorry.

anyoldnameforathread · 05/05/2015 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Akifden · 05/05/2015 16:47

Ophelia I like the sound of what anyold is saying you should call your solicitor and ask about that. Then get tough.

Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 16:47

Gosh - don't let him come to your house for contact. That is spectacularly bad advice.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 16:49

Blush Oops, sorry, was trying to find a workable compromise. Why is it such bad advice, Cherryapple1?

Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 16:51

Because he doesn't live there any more, it is now her home and sanctuary, it is confusing for the children, because OP cannot micromanage his contact with them indefinitely, because it gives him the opportunity to upset/control/abuse the situation to name but a few reasons.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 16:52

OK, OpheliaRose, sorry, ignore me, I know nothing.

Phoenix0x0 · 05/05/2015 16:53

I agree with taking a measured approach.

Phone SHL, HV etc.

Only communicate via email....no more verbal conversations.

Speak to your family. You need physical as well as cyber support.

He is a bastard. He will arrange a sneaky meeting with DT, he may even try to let them sleep there.

Stop playing nice and play smart.

Vivacia · 05/05/2015 16:56

Good post anyold and I'm sorry you've learned that knowledge through experience. I really hope Phee's SHL backs that message up.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 17:03

Good advice from Anyold.

This could protect you in the long term and also allow you to "catch up".
He won't be expecting this. Speak to your family.

Also, if she owns her own home, this could work to your advantage in the divorce and you getting the home.

Don't let him rush you. The other posters are correct, don't speak to him, he is only upsetting you at every turn.

CheesyDibbles · 05/05/2015 17:18

Ophelia, I agree with the above posts. I think you are being too nice to him (and I really don't mean that as a criticism, I think you are amazing). What I mean is, you need to be tough with him; not vindictive tough, but 'I won't let you walk all over me' tough.

Stay strong - you are doing a fantastic job.

ninetynineonehundred · 05/05/2015 17:19

Opheliarose I've been reading your threads and one thing jumped out at me today about ow and her ex...
I split with dh 6 weeks ago.
Very amicable. He comes around often in the evening. Still best friends (so far so ow and her ex)
The thing is that neither of us would even consider for a moment letting them meet anyone else.
Both kids (5 and 17 months) are heartbroken. The young one cries whenever daddy leaves because even at her age she knows that things are different and wrong.
Both h and I are heartbroken because we are not in denial about how this has affected them - and this is super amicable bear in mind.
To watch either parent be displaced right now would be terribly upsetting for both of them. Even at 17 months they know.
Your ex and ow are not thinking about the children here.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe so you know that little miss perfect really isn't.

Justusemyname · 05/05/2015 17:20

It's so obvious why he wants OW to meet the children. He wants help when looking after them. Twat.

I'd say no access. Not seeing their father is much better than being forced into something they are not ready for. This man is vile. Seriously disgusting. He cheats on you. Breaks your heart and then still can't think of anyone but himself. Prick.

FriendofBill · 05/05/2015 17:22

You are well within your rights to say no contact overnight.
Set up that email.
Everything through there.
Offer him contact, on your terms, that suit the twins. Contact at your mothers? You could even go contact centre route.
Say contact is subject to review, as the twins grow and get used to the set up, offer to review it in 3 months.
Then you have evidence that you have offered him contact and are being reasonable.

Ring MIL, tell her you are sorry they will not be going overnight atm, but you are doing things at evidenced pace for their wellbeing. Make sure they know door is open for their visits.

Get some alternative childcare in motion so you are not relying on him.

All this is possible, you can protect the twins here, if you feel it necessary.

You (of course) don't have to follow our advice, if you think they will be ok doing it another way.
We just want to support you and guide you, to the extent that you want us to.

Big sisterly hugs.