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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:40

Viv him being their Dad is irrelevant. He doesn't have their best interests at heart and they may be emotionally damaged by his actions.

I still can't see what OP can do about it. What does she do if he says, "I'm their dad and I say otherwise. Are you saying you're not going to let me take them for the weekend on Friday night"?

Ledkr · 05/05/2015 15:40

Good point grumb
You'd think both of them would bend over backwards to make life easier for you for a bit.
Even my knob head ex did that!

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:42

She says 'no you're not', and refuses to answer the door. Simple as that.

Ledkr · 05/05/2015 15:42

She can refuse his terms untill he applies through the family courts for acess which of course he will be granted but it will buy some time for the twins.

Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:44

She says 'no you're not', and refuses to answer the door. Simple as that.

Ok, I can see that being possible. And how does that look later, in front of a judge or whoever decides upon more permanent arrangements regarding the children?

eminthebigsmoke · 05/05/2015 15:48

Vivacia I see your point. Could she say that in the longer term they need mediation/court proceedings to determine what should happen and that in the meantime she would like to agree cautious boundaries based on the twins best interests? Then its him that looks bad if he breaches it? Although by then the damage may be done.

Ledkr · 05/05/2015 15:48

viv if she can prove she was doing it in the best Interests of the kids.
Eg. They were showing signs of distress so she didn't think it was appropriate for ow to be around just yet (backed up by evidence) and as he couldn't agree to that she decided it would have to be supervised by herself or a family member.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:48

Viv IME unless mother is a druggie or similar the chances of a court deciding in the father's favour is very slim.

He chose to leave the family home regardless, OP didn't kick him out. He doesn't even have a permanent residence at the moment so she has even more grounds for refusing overnight access.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:49

Ledkr yes exactly

Ophelia I hope you are ok Flowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 05/05/2015 15:49

I'm just at a loss what to do.

Sorry so many posts to answer I won't be able to use names!

I know he's told his parents he fell in love with OW and has left me because the affair was more than sex. I'm not sure how much detail he gave them but I know they sided with both his brothers when their relationships broke down its just who they are. They have form for this type of behaviour I remember yet H's Brother (1) dolly with his gf / child's mother they thought she was unreasonable when she instead the new gf couldn't stay over with him when he had the kids there and she was included in all family events almost straight away.

Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if OW had already met MiL! I bet they'd get on she looks way more into hair makeup fashion etc than I ever was.

I don't know what to do I don't think I can stop him introducing the kids he is there father and has rights too. I've seen a few threads on various posting sites in this issue and the reality always seems to be that dad can introduce who he likes on his time because the "mother" cannot dictate.

I think i should call MiL if nothing else i was like a daughter to her for 12 years :(

I will call my solicitor and seek advice but when I saw them he did suggest that unless I had any serious safe guarding concerns then blocking H from having kids and being near OW wasn't going to be Easy or look good for me (don't get irate at him I can see what he means!)

OP posts:
Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:50

emin I think that's the best OP can do, personally. Get everything in writing, try to protect the DC's best interests and create a paper trail of his unreasonableness if it fails.

However, it does appear if the nuclear option above is, er, an option that won't turn out badly for her.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 15:50

Guys,

Stop trying to work out how OW can behave like that. In their own love story, Ophelias feeling are completely irrelevant to them now.

In her eyes, he is her new boyfriend, who is separated from his wife and happens to have two DC. They have images of how they are all going to get along great together.

Its frightening how quickly the DH wants to get the new arrangement in place ASAP. This would probably to save face at work and with their friends, as they now have their new arrangement in place and its all above board.

I think Parsnip has made some really valid points.

I would get in contact with my solicitor and determine how she can best manage this, not doing herself and damage in the long run.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:51

Yes he's their father and has rights but the most important rights here are those of your DTs and that's what needs to be considered above everything else.

Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:52

Sorry OP cross-posted with you.

Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:54

I will call my solicitor and seek advice

I think that this is the best thing you can do. And I know that many of us can't passed the stationery cupboard thing, but I don't think many of us think that she's a safe-guarding concern.

eminthebigsmoke · 05/05/2015 15:56

Okay, so maybe you can go for the angle that plays to his selfish happy families ideal - if he screws up this introduction by rushing it there will be long-lasting consequences for their relationship with WF. So if he expects his fling with her to last more than a few months it is in everyone's interests for him to follow the well-evidenced advice about introducing new partners.

I know it will be hard to think about it in the terms that you are doing them a favour in the long run. You really will come out of this for the better though, and you won't be alone xxx

HootyMcTooty · 05/05/2015 15:58

Regardless of the fact you were like a daughter to your MIL, if she hasn't contacted you since your marriage ended I would assume she no longer thinks of you in that way. They all sound emotionally impotent, so it is perhaps no surprise your husband is such a prick.

I don't think you'll find any support in your MiL from what you have said, but I still think it's worth picking up the phone. Just don't get drawn into conversations about how you are. Keep to the topic you wish to discuss and make your wishes clear. Remember everything you say will get back to him.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 05/05/2015 15:59

I have no reason to think she's a safe guarding concern

Yes morally bankrupt and thinks fucking my husband in work is fine but otherwise on paper she is excellent. Well paid job, she's brought her own home, her child is well looked after she even gets on well with her bloody ex and his new gf so I would just end up looking like the crazy bitter ex.

I think from what H has said thay H is keen to move on to the next stages ... He's made it clear that he considered her his great love. His feelings where strong enough to cheat and leave after all Sad

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/05/2015 16:01

I guess with their past behsviour you could have concerns about his and her possible lack of sexual boundaries.

If he insists on doing this then please wait a few months and borrow/steal/aquire a fit male friend to open the door to him during pick ups.
Let's see how happy he is with new partners then!!

Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 16:03

No the father doesn't have rights - the children do.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 16:04

Agree with cherry

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2015 16:04

Ophelia, how are you feeling?

You do raise a good point and I agree that you should do what your solicitor has suggested.
Maybe, via email, agree that they can out with their dad on Sunday for the day 8-6 and go for Sunday lunch. If she is there then she is there and you can do nothing about that unfortunately. If the twins get upset you then have a real reason to cease contact where OW is involved.

I'm torn on the overnight. Part of me thinks a good dose of the reality of three kids running around, not sleeping, crying, making a mess etc would put a fly in their loved up ointment. The other part feels it's too soon and may be confusing for them to be away overnight without you. You are their only constant right now so maybe it should stay that way until he has his own place. He can't really argue with that. It's reasonable.

Stick to email. Just don't answer the phone. Be reasonable, honest and state how you are protecting the children's interests.

Thinking of you Brew

HootyMcTooty · 05/05/2015 16:05

Maybe she is his great love, maybe she isn't, it's hard to see how he can possibly know based on the development of their relationship so far. The reason he wants to move so quickly on to the happy ever after bit is because it's only that bit that can ever legitimise his actions thus far, not only to other people but to himself too. It's his guilt showing. He may never show guilt or admit to it in the traditional sense, but you can bet your arse that's at the root of this desperate need to get to the happy ever after.

MaMaof04 · 05/05/2015 16:05

Oh my God! He thinks the sooner the better they know her. He is like a teenage boy- the worst kind. The ones that got testosterones in spades and no brains or heart whatsoever. I think that I am now going to rely on the good advices provided above (I am not an expert in the field- I am sorry- maybe if there is a social worker/psychologist among the MN ladies then she might come with a better advice.)
I think that based on the advice given by the MN wise ladies , you might consider sending an e-mail to your MIL or SIL along the lines:
'' I would be more than happy to send you the twins for the week-end: since their father decided to leave the marital home I am more than eager that they continue to have your love, and his love of course , in their life; however from what I understand he wants to invite the OW to your house on Sunday, and he wants also to introduce them to her - by arranging 'bumping into her and her child' in parks. Based on the experts' advice - see the attached links- I should not let them meet her until after 6 months at least, when he and the OW have proved that they are a strong item. I thus have to refuse that he takes them to you for this week-end. I hope you are not too cross with me and that you understand that I am acting in the best interests of my twins. However he is their father and I want him to be in their life, this is why I would be more than happy that he meets them this week end, in presence of my DB or my dear friend (to make sure that they do not meet yet the OW.)
Further decisions and arrangements about meeting the twins must be discussed with my solicitor. Again I am really sorry that they can't spend week-ends with you yet.''
BTW he might say to his parents that you are OK if your twins and the OW are having a Sunday roast together. He might lie to them. So such letter might prevent him from doing so. And as the ladies said already: never answer to his calls. Let him know that you will communicate with him only via e-mails. Oh dear what a cunt this man! Hugs we are all behind you.

Fearless91 · 05/05/2015 16:06

OP it's time for tough love. I know you have been but you really need to take on board some of the latest advice.

Don't wait until tomorrow to contact your soliciter do it now. That's what they're here for. Don't think for 1 second this dickhead hasn't got plans. Because he will.

Don't call your dickhead husband and don't answer the phone. Tell him (don't ask) any contact should be done through email/text that way you have proof of what he says/you say. Unless it's for an emergency, no calls!

He is NOT on your side. Stop allowing him to decide what happens. YOU tell him when he can have the kids.... Don't wait for him to ask, don't wait for him to tell you when he wants them. By you texting and telling him he can have them on such a such a date, you have proof that you're allowing him time with the kids. If he turns it down, well then you have proof of that.

Yes he's the father but you CAN stop him from taking them to the kids. Give him the option of seeing them and explain why you don't want them meeting OW, also explain that if he does Introduce, then you'll be withholding their contact until you've spoken to your soliciter. It seems as if you're just accepting what he's saying "because he's their father".

You need to act before him.... Not at the same time.