Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
CaveMum · 05/05/2015 15:08

Once again I am Shock at his sheer brass neck. The world really does revolve around him doesn't it!

Now might be the time to talk to SHL again and get a draft access agreement drawn up. I'd also be emailing him links to the pages posted by other posters detailing how damaging it can be to introduce new "partners" too soon.

Phoenix0x0 · 05/05/2015 15:08

I Agee take counsel with your family and SHL about this.

What an utter twunt.

knowledgeispower · 05/05/2015 15:14

This latest update is totally shocking - I'm bemused that his parents would want or see it in anyway appropriate to have the OW there THREE weeks after it first came to light that your husband/their son was having an affair! Also that they would think it okay for her to meet the DTs at this early stage.

I left it 6 months before I even entertained the idea of introducing my daughter to my partner and he wasn't a OM! Children need stability not chaos.

You need to calmly email him and explain that you do not wish to speak on the phone regarding these matters and that you need to receive it in writing via email from now on.

GirlsonFilm · 05/05/2015 15:16

I suspect that DMIL doesn't realise that stbxh is planning on bringing ow to lunch.

Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:18

Are you tempted to ring his mum and just clarify that the part about her is true? Given the exact circumstances of their affair? I'd make sure she got to hear them

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 15:19

Please, OR, talk to your family about access and/or do what Parsnipbob suggests, unless Blessedand returns soon with advice born of her personal and work experience. On no account should your children meet Wank Fodder this week-end, or at any time for at least six months. Seriously.
Words fail me about this a*sewipe's behaviour, though I must admit, I've been afraid for a while that this would be his intention. You need to find a way to convince him that he has to act for the good of his children, not his own good. But judging by what you've told us, I doubt you will. All this crap about WF and her ex and the new gf playing Happy Families - he needs to understand their circumstances were completely different and WF's ex wasn't in a stationery cupboard with A N Other WF before he moved out of WF's bed. (Sorry about the convolution.)
Am hyperventilating on your behalf, which won't do you any good. What a shocker. He really has no emotional intelligence at all and is clearly unutterably selfish. You may not want to hear it now, but you are well rid of this unnecessary letter.

Rosieliveson · 05/05/2015 15:21

Selfish does not begin to describe that man!
If nothing else the twins just need to see their father. He can't just expect two little people to fall into his 'perfect' new way of life. What if this doesn't work out and the twins lose someone else they have grown to know. He's not being nearly realistic! He's not putting them first at all!

I'd be tempted to play hard ball and tell him that as he is clearly putting a relationship with OW before one with his children, he can swing for access until the courts have had their say! Why play nice anymore?! He clearly has no regard for you or your feelings and isn't really concerned about the twins best interest either.
The twins could stay with your parents over night at the weekend to give you a break.

I'd also be tempted to ring his mother and let her know how shocked you are that she has shown no compassion for you and your twins by inviting this woman so readily into her family. I bet a few home truths about their relationship's beginnings would rock that boat!

Of course, I'm sure neither of those things are the best thing to do in real life but when I get mad I get mean!

HootyMcTooty · 05/05/2015 15:23

Ok take a breath. You only have his word for his version of events. Do not answer the phone to him again, he will continue to do this to you because he is scum.

Can you contact his mother and explain that it is not in her grandchildren's best interests to dive into playing happy families with ow while the children are there and if she has any respect for you as the mother of her grandchildren she would respect your wishes?

Sadly, if he's really intent on them meeting there really is nothing you can do about it. You need to start taking control in other areas, get that solicitors letter in progress, tell him when he can see the children and don't let him dictate a single other thing to you.

bjrce · 05/05/2015 15:23

It doesn't appear that the parents have actually invited the OW to dinner yet, the idea in him taking her, seems to be coming from him.

You are really going to need to get strong now, he reminds me so much of my father. It was and will always be about him and his needs.

My mother use to say, with him you had to always imagine the worst case scenario and try and stay one step ahead of him. This was the only way she could stay strong.

I am so sorry for you.

This is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Don't expect much from his family either, they will always side with him.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:26

Oh and agree with pp, I would ring his mum.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 15:27

Rosieliveson, I very much agree with this: "I'd be tempted to play hard ball and tell him that as he is clearly putting a relationship with OW before one with his children, he can swing for access until the courts have had their say! Why play nice anymore?! He clearly has no regard for you or your feelings and isn't really concerned about the twins best interest either. "

TinLizzie · 05/05/2015 15:28

Their family may well side with him, but in your shoes OP, I'd be ringing his mother and asking what she thinks she's playing at inviting OW for Sunday lunch when H's side of the bed is barely cold.

Yes, I know SHE hasn't necessarily invited her, but it'll put the cat amongst the pigeons and head off his sordid little plan before he can manipulate the situation.

God I'm so angry on your behalf. Sadly, the others are right - it will get worse before it gets better and the poster above who says you need to look at the worst case scenario and stay one step ahead is absolutely spot on. Expect him to do the worst thing he can in every situation and that way, you have fewer shocks.

I'm so sorry he's a waste of oxygen.

laurierf · 05/05/2015 15:28

Yes I would contact the Pils and say that you do not think the DTs should be introduced to new partners until 6 months and that you are shocked that they are considering introducing WF to the twins after just a couple of weeks. He may have been conducting a relationship with her for some time but this is very new for you and the children and there is plenty of research to say this should not be rushed. This is about the well-being of the children. Full stop.

If you can't trust him to put the well being of the children first, then access needs to be supervised.

TinLizzie · 05/05/2015 15:29

Their family = his family. Sorry.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:30

I actually do think you should say to H as he clearly won't respect your wishes with regards to what is actually best for the children, then he cannot see them overnight and cannot see them without your DB or DF present. He is blatantly putting his needs first. You'd think he'd at least feel guilt for abandoning his children. Apparently not.

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 15:32

OpheliaRose, do you know exactly what he's told your Pils about his departure and WF?

BathtimeFunkster · 05/05/2015 15:33
Shock

Sadly some people manage to reach adulthood and never get beyond thinking of relationships the way 13 year olds do.

Even becoming a father hasn't made this prick into a man.

I think the only thing you can do now is to keep pointing out that the only thing that matters to decent parents is the welfare of their children.

He is talking to you about the cheap bitch he's fucking at the moment because he gets a buzz out of going on about her to anyone who'll listen and he gets a bigger buzz doing it and seeing how it upsets you.

The sooner you can affect (and eventually achieve) complete indifference to his tawdry relationship the better.

You're going to have to accept that your children have a shit father who uses them in his romantic conquests and doesn't give a fuck about their happiness, just his own sex life.

Part of your parenting is going to have be minimising the impact his inadequacy has on them. :(

Dumdedumdedum · 05/05/2015 15:33

Parsnipbob, spot on.

Vivacia · 05/05/2015 15:33

I actually do think you should say to H as he clearly won't respect your wishes with regards to what is actually best for the children, then he cannot see them overnight and cannot see them without your DB or DF present.

But what if he replies, "I'm their dad and I say otherwise. Are you saying you're not going to let me take them for the weekend on Friday night"?

I know all of us are angry and frustrated on the OP's behalf, but I worry about her reading lots of instructions from us that she either realises that she can't follow or that she attempts to follow and is then thwarted and left feeling impotent.

demoska1 · 05/05/2015 15:36

Please do not trust or believe this man any longer. I would suggest that if he is desperate to see the children then you will arrange contact which will supervised by either your brother or father at a park or their home. You are offering him a solution which will be recognised positively by your solicitor. I agreed to over night contact and my ex did not return the children for 10 days. The police could not do anything as the children were considered safe and with their father.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:36

Viv him being their Dad is irrelevant. He doesn't have their best interests at heart and they may be emotionally damaged by his actions.

My mum successfully managed to get her way with regards to our contact with OW, simply because she knew our father was not putting us first.

parsnipbob · 05/05/2015 15:37

In any case her H couldn't stop her DB or DF from being there.

Ledkr · 05/05/2015 15:37

parsnip that's what I was thinking, I did post similar but lost it.
Let him apply for access through the courts, it will take ages and solve the problem.
In the meantime it's your way or nothing.
Fuck him.

grumbleina · 05/05/2015 15:37

I am normally very much about focusing on the failings of the man in this situation, rather than the OW.

However I really struggle to understand a woman, let alone a mother, who knows she is at the heart of a failed marriage, knows another woman is having a terrible time due in part to her actions, knows the woman doesn't want her kids to meet her, and yet is still happy to just go ahead and do it.

Beggars belief, it really does. And makes it very, very clear that no matter what pretence of decency these two are playing at, neither of them remotely know how to do it for real.

eminthebigsmoke · 05/05/2015 15:39

I don't understand how he can be so cruel, I'm so sorry he is putting you through this :(

At least he's realised that taking them to WFs isn't on the cards at the moment. Assuming his mother isn't as emotionally stupid as him she will point out what a terrible idea it would be to invite her to lunch. I'm sure as more people become aware of what he's done he'll get a dose of reality which will force him to be more thoughtful about the children.

Maybe if you had a decent relationship with MIL prior to the split then you could speak to her to discuss the overnight arrangements, and state your position on them meeting WF - that experts recommend a period of at least 6 months to adjust to the separation and so you're sure she'll agree that 4 weeks (and to coincide with their first overnight!!) is not in their best interests.