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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:

somethingmorepositive · 04/05/2015 16:01

I was so glad you posted on that other thread, Ophelia! That girl sounds completely gullible and deluded. Maybe what you said will sink in and she will wake up.

Isthereeverarightime1 · 04/05/2015 16:02

I cannot believe how many women think its acceptable to want to sleep with married men. How they justify it ...

It's shameless and selfish isn't it!
I believe in karma though

Ledkr · 04/05/2015 16:04

Or in fact how many married men want to sleep with other women.

demoska1 · 04/05/2015 16:05

It's the excitement and buzz they get from the chasing. Nothing to do with feelings. Believe me she will already be looking for a new conquest and h will wake up to what he has done. It took a couple of weeks for mine to wake up! His ow has since moved on to other married guys in the office...she the office gossip and everyone jokes about her.

FriendofBill · 04/05/2015 16:07

Ophelia, people only present what they want us to see. They are not all so happy. If they were all so happy they wouldn't be separated.

If OW was so happy, she wouldn't compromise herself by having an affair with a married man.

They have introduced partners to DC not because they are all so right-on, but because it is convenient for them.

I think it would be a challenge to find anyone anywhere who would advocate small children meeting prospective partners sooner rather than later.

Selfish cunts people

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 16:11

somethingmorepositive if you saw the response I doubt it did ...she reminds me of H OW. Some of her messages the early ones when they where first sending dirty text talking about an affair before anything physical kept saying it would just be sex etc

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 04/05/2015 16:13

her EX comes for dinner and then they hang out after like friends watching a fail or TV catching up on life. So I think that's why my H isn't there she sees it as time with her "friend"

. . . or maybe it's "friend's" turn in the stationery cupboard

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 16:17

Apparently I am evil and ruined the OW life ... ok ...

"She has a decent job that you tried to ruin and didn't manage to (evil), friends and apparently is happy envy. There's no point comparing the OP to others! "

OP posts:

HootyMcTooty · 04/05/2015 16:26

Ophelia I'm so glad you posted on that thread, but she won't listen.

My DM moved my stepdad into our family home the day my DDad moved out. I asked him to leave, he did, she made me call him in tears and beg him to come back, or she'd never forgive me. My stepdad is a wonderful man and we have a great relationship now, but my mum not giving me time to adjust damaged our relationship. I'll never trust another person with my wellbeing because of that day. Me and DM get on just fine, but I know not to trust her not to always put herself first.

Your H and OW can kid themselves that they're being right on all they like, they're just being selfish. The good news for you is that your DT's are young enough that you can protect them from the mistakes your Ex is bound to inflict on them I n his pursuit of pushing toward the happy ending that "justifies" his abhorrent behaviours.

abc1311 · 04/05/2015 16:27

Or in fact how many married men want to sleep with other women.

This 100% percent

It's easy to blame the OW when every so often they haven't got a clue about the guy marital status. Is a different scenario if she is aware of the situation beforehand and decides to go ahead with the affair...

FYI: before a 'smart ass' try to imply that I am or have been the OW at some point of my life that has never happened. I dont condone affairs but I do know there are always 2 sides to each story and there's no such thing as a perfect life/family.

At the end of the day the spouse owns the respect and faithfulness to the other. No one decides to leave out of the blue, that's clear at this stage.

Is cruel to paint all women with the same dirty brush!

FriendofBill · 04/05/2015 16:34

I get what you are saying abc but this isn't the place for it

HootyMcTooty · 04/05/2015 16:36

With all due respect nobody is tarring anybody with any brush. People on this thread are appalled at ow's behaviour, but more so the husbands here.

If you want to have a theoretical arguement about how people should deal with betrayal, start a thread, what we're doing is supporting a woman who has had an awful few weeks.

As for your comments on the other thread, how is Ophelia evil exactly? I don't see where she tried to get the woman sacked, she merely mentioned the cause of her marriage split when asked. What was she supposed to do, lie? What exactly at this point does she owe to the Ow?

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 16:37

I haven't seen Reality her for ages but I can totally see her hitting someone who betrayed her friend with a brick.

DemelzaandRoss · 04/05/2015 16:39

Agree with ABC.

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 16:42

abc you are talking crap. The OW knew the man was married. Ophelia has done NOTHING to her. There's NO excuse for cheating on your wife. Your posts make no sense. I suggest you proof read three times before posting.

alwaysstaytoolong · 04/05/2015 16:45

There have been lots of things said on these threads that I disagree with and would comment on in any other situation.

But I haven't. Because this is not the place. This thread is about supporting the OP through probably the most horrendous time of her life.

So lets not hijack it or send it off course eh?.

MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 16:45

Ophelie
I am a bit lost- I don't quite get your last two posts.
About OW chasing married men-
there are findings that show that there are women (especially the ones with a low self-esteem who need a man to feel good) who prefer married men because:
1- married men proved to be 'domestic able'
2- by taking him from an OW they feel that they are worth more- again they need validation from some abstract patriarchal society in their mind
(they are delusional- the rules of mating game and its implications are in their mind and in he mind of some weak men)
3- if they do not succeed in stealing him then they can always pretend that it is because 'he is afraid of his cow- wife' (again low self-esteem and delusion)
4- there is also some glamour to it- the shallow celebs promote adultery- (Did not Britney Spear steal a married father? And what about Angelina Jolie? Mind you about Angelina Jolie: I suspect that the fact that Brat and Jolie yearned for kids while Jennifer A did not care was a big factor. But still there is noting 'joli' in Bratt and Jolie's affair. He should have split first with JA.)
5- A married father that do care for his kids, has a good income and has a joint account with his wife (your case Ophelia if I am correct) is even more covetable by these immoral creatures, especially when they (OW) have as well kids. These features are clear guarantees that they would be financially well looked after and their kid will be well accepted and taken care off.
BTW: My guess is that she does not yet introduce him to his ex because she has not yet told her ex about their full amoral behavior. She might have told him that he is madly in love with her but nothing about the sexual relationship. (Well according to Bill Clinton she might be right, n'est-ce pas? After all blow jobs in the oval office - let alone in the stationary cupboard- do not count as sex!) . She might be waiting until formal divorce is pronounced before showing him off to all her entourage.
They ay that revenge is not good but God do I wish that we MN posters - petites (I am also petite) and tall- find a way to hit him in his most vulnerable part: her image. We must make sure that everyone around her knows what she is up to in stationary cupboards and how she got the nickname Wank Fodder. (It would be great if we could find out why she divorced her ex- maybe she turned all kitchen cupboards in stationary cupboards with no stationary for her kid...)

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 16:50

abc1311 I have to say I dont understand your post

The OW was perfectly clear my H was married she's know him for years she sign our congratulation card when I had my twins so I don;t understand your point because she is part of this different scenario you speak of.

I think you just want a fight and thats fine but keep it off my thread as your posts have no reviolance to the situation i'm going through since you can't get your facts straight.

And again i'll point out i did nothing "Evil" to the OW in my situation

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 16:57

So the roast was a success although DTs where mostly interested in the carrots and Peas.

If there is one good thing to come out of this mess DB seems to be enjoying spending time with my friend

OP posts:

langstromspony · 04/05/2015 16:58

Hi Ophelia

I was where you were two and a half years ago, I can hardly bear to read your thread, since it brings it all back to me. You are doing incredibly well - as noted by all the other mumsnetters. I am really impressed by you. What you perceive the relationship between H and WF to be is actually very different to the reality. He really hasn't got to the point of understanding the enormity of what he's done. You wouldn't leave a job or any other type of "contract" without proper discussion and consideration for the other people involved. Any yet, he seems to imagine that leaving the mother of his children without any prior discussion, agreement or negotiation is acceptable. You didn't sign up to single parenthood. The reality of being the main carer, a position you've been put into by his total selfishness is having to shoulder the main responsibility of bringing up your children, day in and day out, on your own. He has relinquished his right to decide when and where he can see them, he's walked out on his family. He can't have it all ways. Also, I know from my experience that you lose your past and your future, you grieve the loss of your marriage. When I told people about what had happened I did it in the same way as I would have done had he died, since I was going through the same thing, except it's worse in a way because the wound is continually being opened. It is also psychologically very disorientating and disturbing - those very primal fears of abandonment come into play, and what you thought was secure isn't. It affected many aspects of the way I felt about myself and the world in general for quite a long time. I also learnt not to make too many changes - too quickly for either myself or my children. Ophelia - he might seem happy, but how can he be? He's infatuated which won't last, reality will finally hit him like a ton of bricks, and from my experience he'll realise just how awful his behaviour has been. The guilt of what he's done will not leave him, and no matter how much in love he thinks he is with the OW, he really will one day see her for what she is. Take strength from the fact that you are a wonderful person, very strong and have inspired so many to write and support you. As one poster said, a clean conscience is a comfy pillow, it will get easier and believe me - the shoe really will be on the other foot before you know it. Oh, and from what I learnt later on - he most certainly will not be sleeping easy at night.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 17:01

Ohhhh you think a wee romance blossoming?

Phoenix0x0 · 04/05/2015 17:03

Hear hear ophelia re: abc

Oo glad the roast was a success and that DB enjoyed spending time with you (and your friend ;) )

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 17:04

Christina Its prob all in my head and lets face it last few weeks have shown me I know nothing about relationships but there does seem to be something there.

langstromspony thank you

OP posts:

Rosieliveson · 04/05/2015 17:09

Interested in peas and carrots is a triumph! I'd love my DS to pick up a carrot and actually eat it

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