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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
Dumdedumdedum · 04/05/2015 12:48

You are soooo good, OR! If I were in your shoes, I know I wouldn't be as well-behaved and dignified as you are. I hope your H doesn't abuse your trust with regard to the twins. Perhaps you have a way of making it clear to your PIL that you are afraid it would upset the children if they meet with WF for at least six months? Certainly not whilst they are staying under their grandparents' roof.

sanityawol · 04/05/2015 13:04

Hi Ophelia

I'm delurking, having had nothing useful to add... but just had a thought. Whilst you can't stop him introducing your DT to her, if his weekends with DT were 'opposite' to hers with her child then they would have none that were childfree.

Nothing better for making reality hit home and taking the shine off the romance than every weekend spent with toddlers. (I have one myself...)

You're doing so well.

MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 13:15

I did not know there were many cozy stationary cupboards out in towns - otherwise why would they give up on the work's one and check out somewhere for the day? He might be in a solicitors' offices who might tell him that more days he got the twins less maintenance he will have to pay. He might play the game to get max days then find excuses not to be with them as much days. Watch out: the fight just started. I hope your solicitor is good- a good SHL. Justice is on your sides however lawyers know how to ply it to the egoistical needs of their immoral clients.

I am happy you are looking forward this evening- the friends evening. The evening will be fine: you will be showered with love- talks and laughs.
Good luck with the roast! (Do not worry about the timing and its impact on the roast- a good glass of wine will just do wonder with almost any food.)

MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 13:26

Another thing to watch for(I am awful today!) : he might already be living with her but she does not want it to be in the open so that she can continue to get all the single mum benefits.

Ledkr · 04/05/2015 13:44

blessed
I think you misunderstood my post.
I completely agree that kids should not be subjected to meeting new partners so soon however there is nothing in law to ensure this happens so whilst the op can insist the father can choose to do as he pleases. Let's face it he's hardky conducted himself in a manner conjusive to benefit the chikdren thus far has he?
Therefore the op can only be there for the chikdren to offers much reassurance and security as possible and if she gets some time to herself to rest or explore new interests then that is at least a small bonus.

MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 13:50

In fact I doubt that any lawyers- even amoral/immoral ones- work on Bank Holiday.
Anyway watch out for shared custody- for strength to stand up to him re-terms of having the kids- and just make sure that if he lives with her this should reach the interested sides (he ex-H including).
Enjoy your cooking and friends! (Sorry for my silly posts.)

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 14:10

I wonder what he is thinking when he is out with ow and her ds...does it even occur to him that he has deprived his own dc of this family setup

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 14:13

ma not silly at all! I hadn't even considered ed argue maintenance to be honest.

I don't know if she'll be bothered about him living there effecting her benefits honestly knowing her leek at work and his they would be very comfortable money wise Sad we could survive on H wage until twins where 3 we worked out so with her earnings they will be more than fine.

It's suddenly turned overcast and cold which is a shame

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 14:14

christina I don't think he is ruining much he made it very clear he thinks he's in love with her. I imagine he things he's building Annie step family DTs

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 14:14

A nice not Annie Confused

OP posts:
Ledkr · 04/05/2015 14:16

I think they block out stuff like that because they just want everything to be how they want it.
My ex did just that. One day he announced he was going to Florida, yes as in DISNEY FUCKING LAND with ow and friends (no kids) I was speechless!!
I just kept repeating "Florida? As in disney? Without your 4 children?" As I shook my head.
He didn't go in the end. He went to the Caribbean instead then informed me how wonderful IT is and how I should go Hmm

sumbodi · 04/05/2015 14:17

Yy to Tuesday and Thursday. The children have not had much quality time with him and need to see him more this week. Put the emphasis on the children's needs. If your conduct is questioned in the future you can show that this is all you have been concerned about. (just out of interest...are the children beginning to notice /question the change?)

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 14:18

Ledkr

How did you physically restrain yourself?

Ledkr · 04/05/2015 14:20

This weekend our Dd attended his dds birthday party, complete with bouncy castle entertainer and big cake. His mother and father went too.
Our chikdren get 20 quid in a card!!
I never say anything but today dd asked if your mum can give you away when you get married, so she must be aware.
I'm the winner though with my wonderful kids and happy life.

Ledkr · 04/05/2015 14:22

I've been very restrained over the years chris I was determined not to suffer more with delinquent chikdren that we messed up with our bitterness.

Phoenix0x0 · 04/05/2015 14:32

The man is deluded.

If he and wank fodder I just love giving her the full title! are so open....then why is he not around when she has her ex DP For dinner every week...

She hasn't introduced them as she knows that what they have done is morally wrong and probably gets a kick out of being caniving.

Someone upthread said that she is probably shallow without much depth. Totally agree.

I know it's difficult. I know you still care deeply.

But. But he is not on your team. You need to care more about yourself and your DT.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 14:44

Ledkr I think I'd just cry if H told me I should go somewhere he and OW had been like we where buddies.

Until you mentioned ye Bday party for your ExH other kid I hadn't even thought ... Oh god what if they have more DC together :(

Phoenix from what I understand for previous chats with H and their other work friends her EX comes for dinner and then they hang out after like friends watching a fail or TV catching up on life. So I think that's why my H isn't there she sees it as time with her "friend"

OP posts:
Ledkr · 04/05/2015 14:44

Oh yes.
That's a good point. Why is he not invited to tea with DS dad and ow?
Maybe because she thinks it's good for her and ex to have some time with ds so why so bloody ridiculous about ophelias children!

MaMaof04 · 04/05/2015 14:44

Ophelie dear, decency and monies are not synonymous. I have seen decent people content with the little monies, paying all they have to pay, making sure that they are fair money-wise and not taking advantageous of others or of establishments. (I think you would perfectly fit this rare specimen.) I have also seen very rich people who fight for any penny they think they can get out of someone or out of some establishment (not all rich/comfortable people fit in- not sure wank fodder does - but who knows?)

GERTI · 04/05/2015 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 04/05/2015 14:47

ophelia don't even think about it love.
By the time it happened I was so over him and had nice new boyfriend and an exiting new life so it went over my head.
Trust me all the things you fear now won't bother you as time goes by.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 04/05/2015 15:35

Gerti

Me too, I'm right with you...on second thought considering where those nuts have been, maybe not.....

HoggleHoggle · 04/05/2015 15:42

ledkr your poor dd, that's awful. Glad she has you.

I just don't know how these men treat their children that way. My dad was and is the same.

demoska1 · 04/05/2015 15:49

Keep holding that strong head of yours high girl!! Ow and h are coming to the end of their honeymoon period. She will be beginning to get bored of him as the fun and excitement was in the chasing and having a secret fling. H will be getting jealous of her ex, he will be starting to miss the comfort and security of home, you and his children. He has to constantly justify his actions to others and constantly have to be "cool new boyfriend" to ow. He has nothing and Reality will hit him like a brick real soon.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 04/05/2015 15:56

I do wonder what he'll make of her EX and her situation. How can they all be so happy and friendly ...

I cannot believe how many women think its acceptable to want to sleep with married men. How they justify it ...

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