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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 03/05/2015 20:04

Confident, charismatic women don't need to target married men..

She's more likely to be bubbly and a bit superficial, at best. They may like her initially but it won't last. I genuinely don't think it will last with exH either. Remember exH has convinced himself she is AMAZING so that he could do this to you and his kids. He is communicating this to you. She is not amazing. And if she worked on herself in 2014, and could do this at the beginning of 2015, then I think she should have worked a bit harder!

FriendofBill · 03/05/2015 20:05

They can say whatever they like, but people judge us on our actions...

Confident, charismatic, healthy women have no interest in married men. Needy, desperate types give out sex favours at work. This is the truth!

mamaneedsamojito · 03/05/2015 20:06

'Charismatic' = 'I can't think further than the end of my cock'. Ignore, ignore and ignore again. He's just trying to stick the knife in. Wanker.

LucyBabs · 03/05/2015 20:09

I second Hobart its possible she is looking to replace her ex now that he has moved on.

Yours and H mutual friends will be disgusted with his behaviour. It wouldn't matter if WF kissed their arses, she is cheap and nasty and knowingly helped break up your relationship!

You need to dismiss what your H has said about her. She is none of those wonderful things. Wonderful people don't give blow jobs to married men while at work. She is shit on your shoe Ophelia
(As is your H)

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling lovely. I wish there was something we could do to help ease your pain. You have remained dignified. You are so strong and a wonderful mother. Please know this is true
Flowers

Rosieliveson · 03/05/2015 20:10

Charismatic my foot! I'll tell you what, a husband stealing slapper would definitely only be welcomed very superficially into most circles of friends!
There won't be many women out there who would trust a woman they know is capable of that crap!

sumbodi · 03/05/2015 20:30

And can you imagine those moments in the future when someone says to them
"so tell me...how did you two get together? "
They will always know (as will all of the colleagues, friends,family) that they got together by shitting all over you and your children.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/05/2015 20:43

I know you are all right I'm just having one of those dark moments when I'm constantly thinking what was so great about her and so wrong with me he'd chase her and start an affair.

Had one of those nights when I thought the twins where sleeping then suddenly i hear a Mummy ... just as i was settled down with my hot chocolate (with cream) ..Think I've finally got them off to sleep again now.

I've decided to start a new Pinterest Board one that I can fill with new home ideas, even if i dont move I will definitely be redecorating / organising. This is too much of his house still. I think I might start collection make up, hair and fashion ideas too. I feel very frumpy and older than 30 when I look at myself because I've been too wrapped up in the twins and DH for the last few years I've always put off basic things like shopping and hair stuff.

In the spirit of questions I wanted to do some more baking with the Twins tomorrow and thought I'd try making shortbread. I've googled a few recipes but does anyone have one they'd recommend?

OP posts:
GERTI · 03/05/2015 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 03/05/2015 20:45

I don't have a recipe. Something we enjoy is gingerbread men as you can decorate them with writing icing and smarties/ sweets!

Phoenix0x0 · 03/05/2015 20:48

Mary berry has some lovely shortbread recepies.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/05/2015 20:51

GERTI I'll post a link to my new account when I set it up. Can't bare to look at the old one right now then if anyone wants to stalk me they can Grin

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 03/05/2015 20:58

When I was 30 I had colour analysis with 'house of colour', I also had a make up class.
I would have done more (they offer image stuff too) but I didn't have the money.
I thoroughly recommend.
I look better at 40 than I did at 30.

HootyMcTooty · 03/05/2015 21:09

Sweetheart, the last thing she is is charismatic. If she needs to get down on her knees in a cupboard and give a man blow job to make him feel like the only man in the room I would say she was highly unimaginative and desperate. Charismatic people don't need to give sexual favours to be liked.

Sure your husband thinks he's in the middle of some modern day love story masterpiece, but it sounds more like poorly written erotic fiction from where I'm sitting.

Your friends may accommodate her, but the women won't trust her and the men might think she's good wank fodder at best.

You need to rebuild your social life, independent of him and his friends. If they're important they'll find you and support you. If they don't, well they can't have been great friends anyway.

Aranan · 03/05/2015 21:09

I've said it before but I'm in awe of the way you're handling this Ophelia!

And remember - the only thing she had over you was she wasn't real. You were the real world - family and responsibility. She was a chance to pretend to be young, free and single.

There is nothing you could have been or done if he decided he didn't want to be a proper grown up. And like others have said, when the harsh realities of life kick in wih Little Miss Wank Fodder, he will realise he cast aside his best friend for nothing.

It's heartbreaking for you right now. But in the long run he is the loser. In every sense of the word.

BeyonceRiRiMadonna · 03/05/2015 21:39

That Trollop! Who gives a married colleague a BJ in the cupboard......Karma is a B, it will eventually catch up with them both, that I am certain!

Ophelia you are doing so well.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/05/2015 21:43

I think the worst thing for me will be if they don't fail and they end up being happy and in love ... I worry I'll never be happy again

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 03/05/2015 21:49

Ophelia you will be happy again, and your happiness will be way more real than anything those two experience.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 03/05/2015 21:49

Do you honestly think that two selfish, immoral, cheating scumbags can really form a beautiful relationship?

This is all a flash in the pan, who the hell lets a strange man live in their home with their child, and who walks out on his wife of 12 years and two small children

Christinayangstwistedsister · 03/05/2015 21:50

There is nothing wrong with you, he is with her because they are similar, you are too good for him

Christinayangstwistedsister · 03/05/2015 21:52

If someone from work came and told you this story about their dh, what would you think and what would you say to Them?

Weebirdie · 03/05/2015 21:52

Re the shortbread - I prefer recipes that have have either rice flour, or semolina, as one of the ingredients.

HootyMcTooty · 03/05/2015 21:53

If they end up happy and in love it will be more by accident than by design, it's not like they've taken the time to get to know each other and each other's children, they've just dived in, prick-first, brain last. Realistically the heart hasn't even come into it yet. Yes they might end up happy and together and I'm afraid if that happens you will have to learn to live with it. I promise you that one day your love for him will fade and you'll come to terms with the bastard that he is and you won't want him back, happiness lies down that path.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 03/05/2015 22:01

Christina I think I'd be shocked and convincing them that they are way way better off without someone like that in their lives. I know it sounds silly but its so hard to take my own advice just because I can't see how or where it went wrong.

I think if it was just sex i could be more understand its that he has made it clear and I know from what I've read he developed feelings for her and honestly I think he may have had them for a while or at least the fantasy of feelings / a relationship with her ...just the way he said he'd missed her! even the way he'd just talk to her randomly not about work or even flirty just because he obviously wanted to be talking to her about his day.

Some of the messages are him saying I'm on my way to x now... like he would / should have been texting me! why on earth would she care he's on his way to the dentist etc.

Sorry I know I shouldn't focus on them or try understand what they did Sad

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 03/05/2015 22:24

It's natural that you want to know more, your trying to figure out your reality

Even if he had thought the marriage was over, even if he had fancied someone , that doesn't justify his behaviour...to walk out and just never look back, it's shocking, callous and cruel

iwashappy · 03/05/2015 22:40

Ophelia it's very easy to know the facts about someone else's cheating husband and think what a nasty piece of work he is. When your own emotions are involved and you have had a loving relationship with that man it is not so easy to take the advice that you would give someone else in the same situation.

I promise you that at some point you will realise he is not worth your tears however unlikely that might feel right now.

No doubt him and OW are constantly in your thoughts at the moment, but that will ease. I was tormented by thoughts of my ex-DH with the OW, imagining them all loved up and it was hell on earth. I had the misfortune to see them together too, again all loved up, so I understand how you feel.

I'd be lying if I said they never occupy my thoughts now, but it doesn't torment me. I can deal with it because any man who can behave the way he did is not someone I want to be with and in time you will come to that acceptance too. KOKO.