Affair - just about coping part 3

[OpheliaRose]

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

Ophelia,I think you are doing so well. Hope you're tucked up with your movie and another hot chocolate.

I think if one of the ahem 'ladies' I work with found herself in possession of someone else's husband, had introduced her DS to him and had been dishing out extra special stationery 'extras' I would be distancing myself from her grubby self.

If one of my friends introduced me to someone so soon after walking out on his family I would question why i was being invited to spectate in his 'new life'. And what the fuck he thought he was doing. And I would be putting some distance between us rather hurriedly and wondering if I should call you or see if you got in touch.

He does not have a new shiny life, he can rewrite history in his head but you know the truth. And you are amazing. Keep on keeping on bird, you are doing so well for you and your twinnies please don't lose sight of what you have achieved already

I think the worst thing for me will be if they don't fail and they end up being happy and in love ... I worry I'll never be happy again

In time you will. You just concentrate on you and your darlings, everything will work out in the end, just take it one day at a time.

I'm willing to put money on them not surviving, the foundation of their "union" is F-ed up!

Good morning Ophelie!
I repeat what we are all feeling here: I admire you- as a woman and as a friend!
I will repeat what many keep saying because it is the truth:
1- you deeply suffer not because they are some extraordinary people but because you have depth and oceans of goodness and love in you.
2- it is blatant that emotionally his growth has been shunned (too much time in a cupboard on his knees) and his ideas about what makes a woman great is twisted: if she was that good why
1- did her H divorces her in the first place?
2- why is she on her knees in the cupboard?
3- why does she need to go around and tell everybody about her divorce and how she handled it and sing around praises about herself . BTW she might be good at handling her divorce with a child in the middle, because she is shallow and is unable to develop any long term feelings for anyone.
Now will they be happy? They might stay together- true happiness they will never know because it is clear that they have no depth in them- they might continue making noises and waves as if they are the best, and the only people who believe them might be them or maybe just him. He is really not worth much. Hard to say but it is the truth: you have been over a decade with a man whose only appearance of kindness and emotional growth came from your own kindness and emotional growth. Your love and only your love made him loveable.
I know a man who left his wife + 2 kids for another woman- after a one night stand that resulted in pregnancy. They- he and the OW- are together. They fit perfectly. Believe me I rather be his ex: not only because he is not worth much but because the OW has to work so hard to keep up her looks and being 'interesting'. We all had compassion for their kids (2 daughters): they have an excellent formal education, they speak various languages- they learnt musical skills etc but God they are not taught about what makes a human human - and not just a clever monkey that can fuck the biggest asses and get the best bananas- they do not know about kindness (politeness: oh yes but it is just formal) about bounty about compassion. The kids are at Uni and their parents sing their praise on FB: but they are not loved by anyone (they are not that good either at their studies) . And worth: they cannot love.

You can love Ophelie. You can remain clean in the muddy situation these two created in your life. You can find strength in your sorrow to care for your kids. Ophelie: you are a real woman and well above them. Sadness will soon replace your pain and then happiness - the real one that comes through simple good and kind things in life- will fill your heart again.
You will be happy again and you will teach us how to be happy on MN! I hope you had some sleep. Have a good day!

I think it's very possible that they'll live happily ever after and have a loving home that nurtures and protects your twins on their visits.

This is completely separate to the life and home you will now create. What they does is irrelevant to what you do, and your future is a blank canvas.

Ophelia, just because they may look happy and in love, doesn't mean they are. And I think there will probably be a good chance that he will stick with the relationship with WF even when in all starts to go wrong because he won't want to look like a complete prick for shitting on his wife and children for a quick fling. And how is that relationship ever going to be healthy with the way they got together, I reckon it won't be too long before the mistrust between them kicks in. If they can do it once, they can do it again.

This is the first time I've posted but have been following all three threads and just want to say I am totally in awe of you and how you are handling yourself and always putting your lovely DTs first. You are an inspiration to us all x

Another early start with the Twins when H was here it was bearable because we could take turns and support each other but I feel so tired and alone! They don't normally nap until after lunch so I will have to be awake and active (even though i'm exhausted) all day.

I know I sound completely ungrateful at least I have my DTs

Of course you are exhausted, can your mum take them one night a week for you?

Morning Oph can they watch a film after breakfast so you could have a little snooze? I think you are seeing family later so that will help?
I know I feel differently to most posters but I think his weekends inc. overnights should be sorted out soon. His children, his responsibility. Why should you have to have the daily grind while he skips along happily into the sunset.
Maybe you could speak to his mum to get some sort of guarantee that the twins will be with ex there (and not with OW) for now?
Anyway have a good day and be kind to yourself. You don't have to be Supermum.

Good morning Ophelia, so sorry you are feeling tired, but I hope you and your twins manage to have a good day together.

How are you feeling? I have been wondering if you are still getting good support from your friends and family? Have your h's parents or any of his family contacted you since the time you spoke to his mother? They can't really think his behaviour should be supported

Wishing you plenty of energy and fun times for today Phee!

You don't sound ungrateful! And of course the early starts are hard, my DC has been known to wake at 4.30am.

Some practical things. It was really bright this morning, were they woken up by this? Is their room dark enough?

At this time of year, I use a black out blind as well as black out curtains.

Do you think they are a little unsettled? I say this as you said they woke last night as well. Remember, your DT are very in tune with you and will pick up on your emotions. Please don't feel bad about this, just treat yourself and them gently. Lots of cuddles.

Good morning, I'm another one with DS who likes to be up early!
I understand what it must be like to imagine them together and imagine them happy. You need a thought process plan b to switch to as soon as they enter your mind. It could be something silly like naming a country for each letter of the alphabet or something a bit more practical like new outfit plans or decorating ideas.
There is no predicting how this will end for them but one way or another the guilt will find him. He has disappointed his children, his family and probably many friends. There will always be a shadow over their relationship.
There is no reason why, when you feel ready, you can't date, meet people, have fun and maybe fall in love again. Whatever happens, though this is a dark time, there is no shadow over you. Your future can be as bright as you choose

I think thus is the flip side of contact arrangements.
You have twins, that is very hard.
If he had regular contact you woukd get a break.
Have you decided in that yet?
You can speak to him about preferences but you of course cannot trust him to stick to them.
It's probably going to come down to either coping alone or accepting that WF will be around them.
In a way it will be interesting to see how shiney their relationship remains when they are woken at the crack of dawn every other weekend.
It is of course not ideal to meet her at all just yet but I think you already know he cannot be trusted.

My dd is waking mega early too, even with a gro clock and black out blinds, it's exhausting.

Just caught up with thread. You're awesome ophelia. Even when you don't feel like you are! It will get better

I use childcaredotcodotuk, you could find a sitter/mothers help on there for now, I have used them while I have had work to do, you can still be in the house, just bathing / in bed / resting.

Where is the nursery/childminder you hope to use when you return to work? Start the ball rolling with that, be good to get them enrolled/settling.

I second what pp said about asking your mum, could you pile over there?

Just get through this day.
Take it very easy.

I think he needs to step up to his responsibilities before you pay a nanny.
Also, can you atrrabge a night out with friends soon?
You'd be surprise how that can lift your spirits.

All the guff about how perfect she is, how well she handled her break up etc. ..

You have heard the line from Hamlet "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" ?

From both of them (her telling him and him telling you) it is just a case of protesting too much. They both know she is a relationship wrecker - she has done it to you and has probably wrecked her last relationship too. But they are protesting that it's all OK - because she's SO nice and SO good and SO fab that she makes everything all right in the end.

Actually "You/the lady doth protest too much, methinks" is a very good riposte in your situation to his bullshit.

Is your h still sending you messages about the twins? Is he asking how they are and saying he wants to see them or not since last week? He really does need to step up to his responsibilities doesn't he

Just another one to say that although it will feel impossible, please try not to focus on them and their relationship. As pp have said, they may well be together for a while so the best you can emotionally distance yourself from them the better.

My dad is still with his ow over 20 yrs later. I know it would have been easier for my mum if this wasn't the case. But it's hardly surprising they've lasted because they're both as immoral, ruthless and ambitious as each other. They're the perfect match.

What your h does not have however is a clear conscience, and he will never have one again. That is honestly a weighty thing to live with, even if he is happy in other respects. He has to grow old knowing what he's done to you and his children.

You on the other hand are a good person and you have a clear conscience. That's no small thing. And you will I'm sure in time meet someone who is worthy of you.

My dad is very successful and outwardly happy. But I know his conscience weighs heavier each year. Not least because he knows his children know what he's capable of.

Your h knows enough about right from wrong that even though he may not have acted accordingly, he will always know he did something truly wrong and he will not have peace of mind.

I also echo a pp as to whether he's even been asking asking how the twins are? If he's not, then that lack of interest even at this stage does not bode well and there may well grow a distance between him with his own children. This too will fester away at him in time.

You're doing wonderfully and you are being a rock for your children.

Didn't H ask to have the DT for the weekend, and you said no but he could take them out for the day?

I take it that because he didn't get what he wanted, he has decided not to see them at all?

What an utter arse.

Isn't your DB and friend coming over today?

If they are, let them entertain DT and put your feet up.

Hello, just came on to do my #TeamOpheliaRose thing

And, having read your recent posts, just want to remind you to put yourself first, you are doing a fantastic job, please look after yourself as well as the twins. I think FriendofBill's is a brilliant suggestion.

I wasn't sure about posting the following, as I was afraid it might pour salt on your wound, but it is intended to be positive for you, given the worries you mentioned on an earlier thread. Please don't take it the wrong way, or think I'm being a "smug married". We are celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary today (enough with the Star Wars jokes, thank you ) and we met when we were 33, married when we were 35 and had our daughter when we were 39. So please stop worrying about being on the shelf at 30!

I hope you get some help looking after the children today. Maybe you could already sort out something with your lovely mum, if you are thinking she could be child-minding anyhow when you go back to work?

Yes, put the food in the oven and then go to bed. They can get it out and feed themselves and the twins...

Dumde

That's a lovely story