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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
MaddingCrowd · 02/05/2015 05:35

Have been following your story and wanted to echo what others have said. You are absolutely amazing. I don't see how anyone could possibly cope better than you have. You need to remember this awful time and look back and admire yourself for being so unbelievably strong. You are doing everything right. Your twins are so lucky and even bloody evil H is so lucky that his children have a mum protecting them so well and continuing to care for them amazingly through all this. You are an inspiration.

Ledkr · 02/05/2015 06:34

I agree with best I'm not sure how you can enforce it tho as he's such an immature selfish twunt, who's agenda is purely his own.
My x respected my wishes but then by comparison to yours he was pretty normal.

Ledkr · 02/05/2015 06:37

Particularly as their level of appropriate behsviour in their relationship is so low that you wonder if they are able to conduct themselves in a way that doesn't confuse the kids. Eg, being all over each other in front of them!

Dumdedumdedum · 02/05/2015 07:13

I took your suggestions and told him I didn't think over nights are appropriate due to that fact it will be confusing for the twins and also as he doesn't have a "home residence" so he won't have anywhere to stay with them.
You were absolutely right to do this. His response is gobsmacking. I am so incensed, I have made an wax effigy of him on your behalf and am sticking knitting needles into it. I can't tell you how disgusted I am by his self-righteous, egotistic, demanding behaviour. Where in God's name does he get off dictating terms to you? I agree that GERTI's suggested response is very good, and hope you have sent/will send something along those lines when you next message him. Others will be able to advise better than I, but might not now be the appropriate point to mention that you think it best for the twins that you wait until terms of access have been agreed legally before trying to get into any routine (particularly one dictated by the WF's free time)?
Spitting tacks. Angry

Dumdedumdedum · 02/05/2015 07:23

In my fury at your STBX's sheer arrogance, I forgot to congratulate you on yesterday's meeting with your boss, and echo how well you are obviously regarded by everyone who knows you. It is so great that he took the trouble to find not one, but three, jobs which might be better-suited to your new situation. I am thrilled for you Grin
I hope you slept OK last night. It's great that you have such a lot planned for the week-end, but I get that the evenings will be difficult once you are on your own and the DT's tucked up in bed. It must be very hard living on your own (I mean with no other adult in the house) after all this time. I wonder, might it not be an idea to get a lodger, to help with the mortgage and to keep you company? Just a thought, I can see how the idea could fill you with horror.
I reiterate, you are coping tremendously well and it is not surprising that you are having times when you are engulfed in grief for what you have lost - it's not even two weeks since the maelstrom happened. Look after yourself and never for one moment think you are a bad mother to your lovely twins.

dangerrabbit · 02/05/2015 07:24

Ophelia, you are handling this wonderfully.

Keep it up

Flowers
Phoenix0x0 · 02/05/2015 08:32

I hope you slept ok last night.

Your plans for this weekend sound lovely.

Have you heard of an organisation gingerbread? It's for single parents, here is a link.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/988/Get-together

GERTI · 02/05/2015 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 02/05/2015 08:34

Good morning.

Didn't sleep too well had awful dreams and nightmares then the twins where up before 6. I let them get into bed with me and we put on some cartoons on Netflix song could cuddle and doze.

Lacking the motivation to get up and go which I see really bad I know.

Time to make breakfast and then get showered and dressed for the day ahead.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 02/05/2015 08:37

I have honestly never known anyone to be as selfish, self absorbed and unfeeling as this man, and I have know a lot of arseholes

His capacity for just switching off is actually kind of scary.

Hope you managed to sleep Ophelia

Christinayangstwistedsister · 02/05/2015 08:39

Just have a lazy morning, you must be exhausted

parsnipbob · 02/05/2015 08:43

Yes have a lazy morning Ophelia, nothing wrong with that.

Did twat face respond to your last text?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 02/05/2015 08:46

Have a Jammie morning. Put rubbish on the tv and make French toast cut into soldiers for the kids. Make yourself a big pot of coffee and chill

Isthereeverarightime1 · 02/05/2015 08:47

I agree with GERTI please buy a cheap pay an go phone for contact relating to your twins! It will knock some wind out of his sails because it shows you are taking control, tell him he is blocked from your main phone and that you will arrange all contact via new number, which will be checked when arrangements at wrong be made etc! X

molyholy · 02/05/2015 08:48

Just caught up from last night. Not helpful, but what an utter utter twat. Pardon my french, but your stbxh makes me so sweary. I hope you have a lovely weekend ophelia with your beautiful dt's. Stay strong. Hope you are looking forward to your new hair do on Tuesday and get on with rebuilding your life as you have been doing so well over the previous couple of weeks. We are all behind you willing you to get through this with dignity and grace, even though you/we all would love to cause misery to him and wank fodder!!!!!!! Thinking of you Flowers

Isthereeverarightime1 · 02/05/2015 08:48

Wrong = going

Phoenix0x0 · 02/05/2015 08:53

There is nothing wrong with having a duvet day or lazy morning!

You could make pancakes with your twins.

Cassie258 · 02/05/2015 09:05

Your STBXH is simply amazing. He just doesn't get it does he?!

You are ten times the woman she is.

You're strength throughout all three threads is astounding.

Be sure that karma will get them. It may not be as quick as you like but it will come.

FIL had an affair. He lost a lot of friends and family there and then. The ones he didn't lose hate her and all joke about how much of a sap he now is and most refuse to talk to her.

inabeautifulplace · 02/05/2015 09:14

When do you see your solicitor again? Excuse my ignorance but would they have experience in deflecting your xh unreasonable requests? Normal timescales etc. can't help feeling that some professional advice is needed to halt this pressure. Of course the twins will want to see their dad and will miss him, but this change needs to be handled really delicately by you both. You are doing your bit. I think he needs educating if he can't muster the compassion needed to make good judgements.

Have a lovely BH weekend, your plans sound good. I would like to echo everyone else and say you are doing an unbelievable job of holding it together. Your children will be proud of you. I know I am proud of my mum for the way she handled things when my dad left. Incidentally, she's now married to the nicest guy Ive ever met ;)

MerryMarigold · 02/05/2015 09:15

You are ten times the woman she is. You're strength throughout all three threads is astounding.

YY, totally agree

Ophelia, lazy days are lovely, and necessary. And if the weather with you is like it is here, today is a perfect day to stay in PJ's till around 4 and then have a bath with the twins with some bubbles and then put on clean pyjamas!!! You have 2 busy-ish days coming up, so a day of nothing (as far as possible with toddler twins) is perfect.

GERTI · 02/05/2015 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 02/05/2015 10:14

Ophelia, Dr was up at 6 too and I'm still not dressed. Who cares. One o the good things announced living alone is doing what ever you like.
I almost became a student again it was very therapeutic and the kids loved their new chilled out mum.
Yes it's easy to be consumed at how crap your life is compared go their little love in but remember that real life has yet to kick in and then their fragile relationship will be tested.

MerryMarigold · 02/05/2015 10:50

Yes, I'm more relaxed when my Dh is away and I don't feel watched or judged or criticised for my slobbier habits. It's quite free-ing. Just be really kind to yourself ophelia. Listen to what your body needs and try not to do what you think you ought to do or feel bad about anything you do. Give yourself a day off self criticism!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 02/05/2015 11:06

I haven't really focused on the idea that I can be more relaxed in then house without H. He would always let me watch what I wanted really but there was always this element of me knowing he wasn't into it so feeling like I'd have to watch one of his films or TV shows.

We're finally up and dressed. Twins are enjoying doing painting and sticking dried pasta to paper. I've had about 4 cups of strong coffee to stay awake.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 02/05/2015 11:11

I'm with you love!
I promised mine the local outdoor pool which opens tiday!
So we are just about to leave, with our winter coats and a flask of tea!!!
It's more than my life is worth to say no to them

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