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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - just about coping part 3

975 replies

OpheliaRose · 29/04/2015 20:58

Many of you will have read my original thread and my part two thread here

Brief outline I found out H was having an affair with a girl from his work since ten he has left me for her. His behaviour has been unbelievable

My old thread was titled not knowing how to cope however I am slowly learning

OP posts:
parsnipbob · 01/05/2015 20:41

Christ I am fuming. Who the fuck does this moron think he is? Ophelia, let us know his response!

sassandfaff · 01/05/2015 20:41

You know what just occurred to me.

This reminds me of my df and his wife.

Df did cheat, but wife was not ow.

He however does rate her highly on the intelligent, practical, common sense front. Much more so than he every did my DM.

And yet, her 3 kids have been like something off Jeremy kyle- they say this themselves. One Pregnant at 17, her dp goes to jail for armed robbery, one with gambling debts and stealing from his own DM, middle child has to have a DNA test dine on her 1st child because she had a ons.

My DM is in a better job, with a bigger house and in a nicer area. All AFTER she split from him. And neither myself or db need to go on Jeremy kyle.

Men are a mystery..........

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 20:43

He has to hit the bottom soon. It's physically impossible for a man to continue stooping lower than before.

"I'm not in a position where I'm taking parenting advice from a woman who gives blow jobs to colleagues in the stationery cupboard, but I'll let you know if that changes".

Vivacia · 01/05/2015 20:47

"You referred to her as wank fodder only days ago. I'm not sure she's the kind of person we take parenting advice from".

Ubik1 · 01/05/2015 20:47

He is just believing the narrative he wants to believe. She is telling him what he wants to hear to make it all ok.

I don't know any seperated/divorced couple who don't struggle with each other at times. She is pairing a picture of a lifestyle which does not exist. And he will find this out soon enough once he becomes embroiled in her life.

Clarabumps · 01/05/2015 21:15

It's not even been two weeks. What an utter UTTER CUNT!!

Phoenix0x0 · 01/05/2015 21:16

The thing is, he is very contradictory isn't he Hmm?

The other day when collecting DT, he spoke to your DDad about renting somewhere so overnights could happen.

Then roll on a few days later and he's TELLING you he wants overnight contact NOW.....

My DC is 3 and I get the fall out after staying away anywhere for a few days after. Your DT are younger and this coupled with the changing in family dynamics must be handled very carefully.

Like I said previously. Two/three year olds are very ego centric, anything that happens they preceive as it being their fault...because the world revolves around them.

Undeuxtwatcinq · 01/05/2015 21:47

I can't find the words...I may be speechless. Can you tell me where he lives so I can go and punch him?

Ledkr · 01/05/2015 22:11

Nobody could be as clueless about the hurt they have caused and the inappropriateness of talking about the ow as if shes a fond friend so I have to conclude that he is literally being a very cruel bastard.
How very strange,
I know imbeciles who show more compassion to the wronged partner.
Is this man actualky getting off on hurting you over and over?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/05/2015 22:20

I think he's just got his back up for some reason. May there has been some fall out at his work over their relationship and he's just trying to normalise it so he can show everyone that he did the right thing by leaving his wife and kids. I doubt I'll ever understand his logic

I guess maybe he has always been like this, I can't say I noticed it previously he always seemed so kind,caring, strong and protective.

I've found this evening very stressful to the point I've been watching my phone to see if he's messaged me, not because i'm worried about his messages but because I want him to message me. I know its a step back but it seems very hard today despite all my good work and steps forward Its the friday of bank holiday weekend ... i'm all alone and it feels so quite in the house it hurts. I hate the idea that while i'm alone with my kids trying to make it ok for them he'll be swanning around with WF and her child playing happy family's having a lovely bank holiday weekend.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 01/05/2015 22:27

No point talking you out of that.
You are right to feel like that but you soon won't.
ITa hard enough going through all this without the unnecessary nastiness.
i still think tho, if he was being kind you'd feel more sad.
Try to allow yourself some time to process negative thoughts but then teach yourself to push them out of your mind and think about something else.
What is your plan for tomorrow?

Undeuxtwatcinq · 01/05/2015 22:38

Have you any National Trust or English heritage properties near you? Our local ones do fab stuff for the children and can be a great day out. My DS loves the 'broken' houses.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/05/2015 22:39

Thanks Ledkr i keep telling myself how cruel he's being so he doesn't deserve my tears and regrets. I keep trying to tell myself that I am the one with our beautiful twins so he is missing out not me but its hard t believe that ...

My plan so far is to see how the weather is, if its cold and wet then I've stocked up on craft and painting stuff so we can make pictures. I also brought chalk so we can draw on the paving slabs in the back garden. I got some new baking stuff this week so we can always make cookies shaped like various animals and stars. If its nice weather I thought I'd take them out for the day to one of the animal parks or big out play places near by.

I've brought some ready made pizza bases so all we need to do is add sauce and our topping choices. Its something I used to do with my mum and brother when I was younger so hopefully that will be fun.

Just made plans for a play date on sunday and then I've invited DB, my friend and her kids over for a roast dinner on the Monday.

Trying to stay busy and make sure they have as much fun as possible

OP posts:
Wristy · 01/05/2015 22:41

There's bound to be times like this despite all your efforts it is still early days.

Surely you can allow yourself this, you are still doing so well. Your twins are soo lucky to have you in their corner, you are always thinking of them, concerned for their welfare, worried that a day in front of the telly might do them harm (believe me it won't).

He's a shit, it almost comes across as if he sees them as toys or accessories, I can't help but wonder if that's how WF views her son too?

Have a good weekend if you can. Xx

laurierf · 01/05/2015 22:45

Ledkr is right.

When you're ready, please think about getting a separate phone for contact with him. On nights like tonight, you can switch it off and put it in a drawer and stop yourself from sitting there looking at it.

You really are being amazing - people are not just saying that to be kind.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/05/2015 22:47

laurierf I had it down the side of the sofa on silent on the end to stop the madness

OP posts:
laurierf · 01/05/2015 22:53

See? You are showing such amazing sanity and strength! Bank holiday weekends can seem daunting in your situation (I remember my first, the Easter weekend, and it wasn't as soon after the breakup as this) but you are doing exactly the right thing yet again - your DTs will have fun, and that will make you happy, and the family and friends roast dinner will be a lovely way to round off the weekend.

Ledkr · 01/05/2015 22:56

You are doing really well.
Much better than I was at this stage.
Busy weekend is the best way forward. In fact keeping busy is best.
You are going to have such a happy life,
I'm always so glad it happened to me, it led to so much happiness and adventure, Id have been stagment otherwise.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 01/05/2015 23:01

I think going back to work will help as well as giving me financial freedom it will also be a bit of a social life line.

Honestly I feel like I want to crawl into bed and not get out for a week but my twins need their mummy so I can't do that.

As a treat to myself I ordered one of my favourite dvds off Amazon the other day so i plan to watch that tomorrow night once the kids are in bed. Its a special edition with a whole disc of extras

OP posts:
BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 01/05/2015 23:06

Ophelia you are a hundred times the parent he will never be.
Totally agree that it meeting WF is not negotiable before 6 months.
It really raises my heckles.

Ophelia what ever he thinks about the fact that DTs will be ok now as they are young - it's not when they are young that chaotic relationships affects them - it is when they are ADULTS trying to form relationships of their own .
You are PROTECTING their ability to form healthy relationships in the future by not even allowing WF into the picture at the moment.

Stay strong with this.

As a mental health nurse I have seen many adults struggle to cope because their parents had high expectations of them being able to cope and adjust with relationship breakdowns and new partners.

That is really why I did not allow my DC to see Hs slag or her children.

Why would they need to? The only relationship they needed to maintain was with their father. My DC did not need or want a new family - just to see their dad.

And I can honestly say that your 2 DTs are not even old enough to express how traumatic it would be to see their father playing dad in a different woman's family. They NEED protecting from this. They aren't old either to express that they don't want to see his new WF.
Wait till they are old enough - until they can understand and decide for themselves.

My DC were distraught at the thought of seeing their father with a woman he loved that wasn't their mum.

They were also distraught at the thought of seeing him in her home doing everyday things like cooking dinner for her & her DC.

It is these small everyday things they witness that cause them the most pain - and it is these things that they can be protected from. Not just play happy families for the ease of H and WF. X

FriendofBill · 01/05/2015 23:08

You can start doing more of the things you like now, parent how you see fit.

And, you will change as a person. I have been on my own for 5 years and have such a fulfilling life. A whole bunch of friends who I love and love me, my children are flourishing, I love my job, I love my life. And you are just 30!

You and your dear twins will have a fantastic bond, because you are investing in them.

FriendofBill · 01/05/2015 23:09

Bit of a jumble there- sorry. You get the picture.
Life can be so good to you, just cut all the shit from it and you are left with all the good stuff.

Ubik1 · 01/05/2015 23:17

My DC did not need or want a new family - just to see their dad

Yy this

Everything else is about him and fulfilling his vision of his new life where everyone just fits in with him and WF

TinTinsSexySister · 02/05/2015 03:47

You are such a good mum.

This, above all else, shines through your posts x

stolemyusername · 02/05/2015 04:54

I would suggest that she has no idea what's in the best interest of your DT, demonstrated by having their fathers cock in her mouth in a cupboard at a time he should have been a home taking care of them.

Be aware that he might be trying to push things to make you seem unreasonable in an attempt to justify his actions also.