Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

[kiwimommy]

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

I agree with Twinkle. Salvaging a marriage after the man has broken it with his betrayal needs his commitment too. It's not enough for the woman to just decide he is committed. You say the OP should give him a second chance. She already did! And he continued to lie and sneak around behind her back (giving away £2000 in the process).

I'm really sorry for the position you're in 04, truly. And I'm glad you've toned down the misogyny in your posts, but I worry that your weird advice is not helpful to people at times of distress.

Mantra dear, I hope you will soon overcome your depression.
I am not sad at all. I am not lonely.
I am bouncy energetic, happy and have good friends and my kids are wonderful and my husband is a really nice and kind hearted man. He works hard to improve himself - he is extremely generous but impulsive with few boundaries and has an inclination for engaging in high risks situation.
(He dramatically changed even before DD that came years after the break up). I used to like going on trips with him because they would quickly turn into adventures. I hope we will again have this kind of trips. It was fun.
Now we have to rebuild our marriage. It is tough- not for the faint hearted. It is hard work and it takes time. It will be OK. Everything in its time. Now is the time for penitence and work on ourselves to become better (well he does the hard work on himself- I love how perfectly imperfect I am).
Unfortunately the new modern reaction to any affair is: LTB- regardless of circumstances, and without giving any chance to the betrayer to atone for his behavior. As I said in another thread there are honor-killing societies- ours is honor-splitting society: he/she cheated on you- dump him/her. I think: That is not the way to heal or move forward.

I think the deciding factor after an affair is often how the person who had the affair behaves afterwards, e.g. being honest/dishonest, treating their partner with/without respect, making excuses or blaming the other partner etc. I do think relationships can survive affairs, but only if the betraying partner really puts the effort in and behaves decently.

I don't think it's generally a case of he/she cheated on you- dump him/her, but more a case of he/she cheated on you and then kept behaving atrociously afterwards - dump him/her

How is he treating the others in his life? (Trying to ask this delicately 04!).

I'm not sure we can really equate divorce with murder. They are quite different things.

I can't get my head around mama's posts, and it's not a life I would ever choose to live. The sleeping arrangement makes me feel cold.

I don't think the OP should forgive her husband. A spouse is supposed to be your life partner, the one person you love the most, trust the most and love to be around. A man who fucks his nanny for 6 months with a pregnant wife, who pays the nanny an extra £2k behind the wife's back is not a nice man and not a man I would be married to.

I also can't see how they could continue with the husband never being allowed alone with a nanny/ babysitter. The children would soon pick up on that when old enough and children will pick up that all isn't right.

There is no automatic LTB reaction anywhere, and I think its wrong and unfair to suggest it.

There are degrees of betrayal. Some affairs ARE worse than others. Some behaviours are worse than others. I think what you've got here is a massive on-going betrayal taking place in the home/in front of the children/with an employee/family friend/a massive financial betrayal/a massive lack of love and respect and a man who is unable to take his head from up his arse. It wouldn't be my choice to stay with this man or recommend anyone else did.

That's what I was trying to say, JohnFarleysRuskin. You've just put it so much better!

I think MaMa is talking precipitated anyway. She claims 'It will be OK. Everything in its time.' But she's in the middle of the process, she's no idea if it will work or not.

I've seen people put years into trying to rebuild a marriage and failing, so it's way too early to be calling it.

^ precipitately

Vermicious actually you put it really well.

We've all basically saying different versions of the same thing on this page.

And for me, it's not really a question of whether she can forgive him - she may well choose to forgive him and he defaults anyway. He's already in the process of defaulting, it depends whether he can pull himself together.

Vivacia, My H is wonderful with people. He has always been full of compassion toward people who are less privileged than him and has always helped people who needed help (I remember the many times where he interfered because some thug/s bullied innocent passers-by-.) He is in fact extremely self-abnegating. He can put himself in danger to save someone. (It happened in New York in Central Park in the '80s and in Paris in the '90 and in London in 2000- I was with him). He helps on a regular basis family members (mine and his) who financially struggle. My friend - when I told her about his affair- just said: this kind of affair is just cut out on him; of course all our friends and my daughters' friends were in shock but they forgave him a long time ago . He is kind and good-hearted- all his exes are still fond of him. Yes he was helping a lot the other woman...

I didn't mean to be obtuse, I meant his other child and the mother.

So I presume that Kiwi's husband has also other rich facets that we do not know about and that Kiwi knows and based on them she wants to give him a second chance. And do not forget there are kids in the middle: Kiwi said that he is a good DAD! So give her some space and support her in her attempt to rebuild her marriage. ATTEMPT of course at this stage we can only speak about attempt- time only will say whether it will be successful. How much time to give it? it depends on how it evolves. It depends on his behavior of course and on Kiwi's feelings. Kiwi is connected to her feelings- the counselor must ensure that she is or becomes connected to her feelings and that she is lucid regarding his behavior. Her feelings and his behavior will dictate her what to do at each stage. And we should all support her at each stage. Good Luck Kiwi!

MaMa it's not a question of supporting the OP to rebuild her marriage, it's a question of whether her husband wants to and will do the relevant work. If he doesn't we can support her til we're blue in the face and it will make no difference.

• So Neither the book is: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, is it ? Do you know people it helped? *

Yes that's the book I am referring to and it has helped a lot of Mnetters on here. She has a website with some interesting quizzes and articles if you want to look at these.

OP - I am sorry but your H has a LONG way to go in helping repair the marriage - wanking off to other women after getting caught shagging the nanny is not how to do it.

Be kind to yourself.

A good dad doesn't fuck the nanny when his wife is heavily pregnant. A good dad doesn't go on weekends away with said nanny when the wife is as home with the children. Not exactly a good role model is it?

MaMa, don't assume people on here are unsupportive to the OP doing whatever she needs to do simply because they are expressing severe scepticism at the husband's willingness to change.

Vivacia: You would not believe it but she became pregnant because she took off his condom in the act and once was enough to impregnate her.
She did not want to abort. He felt 'caught' and stayed in the affair for a little bit longer for the sake of the kid- he would travel a lot just for a day or two to be with the little baby. But Vivacia she wanted him to live a double-life. Of course he could not and became physically sick (I am surprised that he indulged in an affair at all). Yes now we do remember how sick he was and the doctors could not find any physical problem (he is very strong and healthy). We thought his heart will give way. . little did we know about the hell he was going through because of the little innocent child.
He was willing to remain friend with the OW somehow as long as he is allowed to meet his daughter and introduce her to our family. But she does not want her daughter or anyone to know the truth. So she does not allow him to meet her. He calls a lot (the OW does not pick up the phone- but luckily the little one manages to pick it up before the OW and this is how he manages to speak to her). He records the calls (my advice so that he can rehearse and remember the names of her friends and pets etc etc) and has a fund for the little one and always remind her how much he loves her. We hope that when the little one grows and can activate her will to be with her dad (she is dying to meet him again) then we can do something to help her cope with the truth (no worry it will not broken to her just out of the blues- we will deal with her as if she is our kid) and meet her siblings ( I was opposed at the start but now I have compassion for her. BTW at DD he said he will do whatever I want him to do and behave the way I want him to behave but his red line is the little child. I should allow him to love her and care for her and put some monies for her future needs. If something happens to the OW he wants to care for the little one. Another thing: he is more and more frugal so as to compensate for the monies he puts in the little one fund. )
The OW is happy to have a very clever child- to tell about her love story with this 'successful man'- and she lives with another woman who sounds nice (This friend was left at a young age by her dad so she encourages the OW to let the little one at least speaks on the phone with my H. I am not sure whether this friend knows about the dad being a married father of 4. It looks as if it is a lesbian affair by the way.) We have this info via the woman in whose house my H and the OW were lodgers (I know this woman and the OW). The OW gained a lot from the affair. The little one has a quite happy childhood. I HATE that the OW raise in deceit the little one and hurts the little one and my H in the process. So maybe the victims in this story are the little child- me and him. (OUr kids are just fine thank you).

Kiwimummy,

Think how difficult it is to make a real and lasting change ourselves - be it a new healthy diet, going to the gym....

Even harder than changing a habit, is changing one's character. That takes very hard work, dedication, time.

Kiwi, given how hard it is to change, do you honestly think this man can genuinely and permanently change?

To do what he has done to you and the kids speaks volumes as to his character. Very little to no empathy for you or the kids.

The fact that he continues to lie except when caught suggests he is not genuinely remorseful. That certainly fits with his crocodile tears and surface level apologies.

The fact that he does really get the pain he has caused is not a guy thing as others on here have suggested, it's a sociopath thing.

Sociopaths do not want to change, they do not care, they just want what they want. They will use you, manipulate you and discard you.

If you don't see him for who he truly is now, then he will only hurt you again. And probably worse because he knows just how much he can get away with now.

I can't speak for Vivacia, but I wouldn't believe it no. It's not impossible but it's not very likely.

As for your husband calling the child without the mother's knowledge - why is he not sorting out contact legally? Very bizarre and very confusing for the child.

^That was to MaMa

I guess you wouldn't want my sympathy, but I just feel really bad for you 04. It seems as though you are emotionally fighting to make sense of 'facts' that just can't be true.

LittleOwl your amateur psychology is a bit wide of the mark. If OP's DH was a sociopath he would not care about the impact of his actions on others and would not even try to make amends. Plus your assertion that having an affair means he has little empathy with his kids is IMHO quite simplistic at best.

She took the condom off in the act.... 04 should you maybe start another thread for yourself? I understand that when you are making choices that you have unconscious unresolved doubts about, sometimes it seems like a good idea to encourage others to make similar choices, because it feels as though that would somehow shore up support for your own position, but your situation sounds really, really complicated.

Hi everyone. Wrote a long post and lost it somehow.

Anyway, all comments are giving me solace, strength & a huge dose of reality. My husband has been a funny, caring, generous man for me for many years. He has changed ( as we all do) over the past few years becoming very absorbed I his dream of string a business. His singular focus on that and his needs to do that had made him more and more self absorbed and ego centic in my view.
I know our chances are slim, but even if we split we'll be in each other's lives till we die because of the kids. I can't imagine the pain & hurt & bitterness I know I will continue to feel if I don't at least give this a chance.

It is very helpful to hear mama's story. If there was another child I am not sure I could cope in the way she has. I admire her courage & capacity to forgive. I hope my H can prove himself worthy of forgiveness, but if he doesn't I will have the courage to end it because I've also heard loud and clear that the kids can survive & thrive and would be hurt more by witnessing parents continue with a broken marriage.