Husband had affair with nanny - don't know what to do. Devastated & need help.

[kiwimommy]

I found out my dh had been in an affair with our 30yo nanny on the due date of our 3 rd baby. They had been at it for about 6 months, even going on weekends away together - leaving me to care for our 2 active boys alone while heavily pregnant.
Needless to say the nanny was sacked immediately. We've been together nearly 20 yrs and I was not willing to rip apart our marriage without even trying to salvage it. We have seen a counsellor and things between us have been improving ( our relationship had been pretty miserable for a while - not all his fault but definitely made worse by his affair as he was being pretty mean to me).

My problem is I just keep finding out more stuff that he is lying to me about. I've questioned him about the affair - places they went to, when they spent time together and he just lies to my face (I' be snooped his emails).
Yesterday I discovered an email he sent her 3 weeks after I found out/2 weeks after baby born addressed as 'hi darling' with her final pay calculations. As she was fired for gross misconduct I was adamant she would not receive pay in lieu of notice, and told him I would handle the money transfers. This email makes it clear he went ahead and paid her a further 2 grand anyway.
I am livid - he's lavished her with gifts, romantic getaways while treating me like the hired help. He got me a packet of lindor for Mother's Day from tesco & he gives her 2 grand of our effing money. And he's lieing to my face about it.

On top of that I've discovered he's started to watch a lot of porn on the Internet ( we r not sleeping together & he is in spare room - the kids think it is because of the newborn).

We have no family close as we are both from abroad, and I am just so confused & distraught as our kids would be devastated if we split. (I would have left him if we didn't have 3 boys to consider).

Help!!

Starting a business ( not string)

I don't see much forgiveness in her story

How is your husband earning your trust and forgiveness kiwi?

I wouldn't mistake forgiveness for capitulation and self-deception due to fear of the alternative.

Kiwi, I can at least say this to you with confidence-you are right when you you say that children survive and thrive. That has most definitely been my experience.

As for giving it a chance, of course. But please, don't flog yourself to death in the process. There comes a time when everyone reaches their limit. It doesn't sound like you've reached yours. Fair enough.

Just don't mug yourself and your children off. You deserve better.

Give him a chance to do what? Be unfaithful again? He isn't really showing much remorse to make him earn any forgiveness surely?

I got documents (e-mails, letters + others) that prove that they are true + all my H's past to prove that (I met his childhood friends and teens' friends: they have millions of tales of his generosity and self-abnegations acts) + I know him for many years.

H started the legal process : it is complex because we do not live in the UK + the OW is bringing up the fact that her family (in an Arab country) will not like it that he is not one of them. And the OW made all kind of problems refused all kind of intermediary stuff. So it would have dragged on and on- costing monies (it already cost) with little chance that he will get to be involved in the life of the little one. It might have even introduced too much confusion in her life. So we have been advised that as at now we just keep the phone contacts. The little one loves him (she knows him- until recently he met her ; he took her and her mother-the OW- to trips; definitely separate rooms; he just did not want anymore that his daughter is raised in lies and that he has to pay to her mum the trips as well) and we hope that she will soon grow and be able to contact him on her own.
At the start he was sending e-mails asking to get dates to call the little one- the OW would agree but not answer to calls. So now he just calls and when the OW friend is there she gives the little one to speak and when the little one answers on her own the OW gives her to speak a little. (The mum always knows about and supervises the calls because they are via her own mobile.)
Anyway I hope that we will be able to be in the UK for a long period and try to have better arrangements.
I wrote that me + H are victims but these are too strong words. We are OK. The little one is happy as at now. We are here for her in the future. Things will be just fine. We are problem-solvers. (He did create a big problem unfortunately but we will solve it).
Now you might believe or not my/his story: it is up to you.
I know it is unbelievable, but it is true and H is very special - a pity he spoilt his greatness with a bit of sex.. But we will deal with it.
Vivacia really no need to pity me. I believe everything I wrote. Knowing him as I know I know it makes sense (also never forget that at that time when I could not join him abroad I clearly told him that it is OK to have an affair...Just not a child. I am upset because he did not tell me straight away about the child. He panicked. In fact in retrospect I remember he raised as if hypothetical similar case and asked me how the father must behave and I said ; poor OW and poor child. The child must certainly knows who her dad is.

Now I will not speak anymore about myself. I enjoy the big bed and the deep sleep!
Kiwi I am behind you!

Cherry - how do you know DH is not showing remorse?

Seriously? Good grief.

Still lying, still speaking to her and giving her £2K is hardly remorseful is it. And prob paying lip service at counselling too. I still don't understand why you are still with him Op - sorry.

So an Arab country in which the OW lives in a lesbian relationship and chooses to have a child out of wedlock... And your husband went on trips with OW in which they slept in separate rooms...?

The lying and money was part of the original lies. If he has come clean now, they have a chance.

Twinkle - not too sure (even though I work in the gulf) but I think the mediterranean Arab countries may be OK! Such as Egypt.

Kiwi
Believe me- it is tough but I will be fine. Really. I feel OK. Of course the affair always leaves a scar (I joke that in my case it left a child instead of a scar. And no I do not think that the birth of an innocent is something terrible to cope with. It is a blessing. It really is. ) Of course we all would have been happy without the affair . But it is here and we have to face it.
Trust your feelings. Rare are the cases where someone changes completely overnight. You know him for years. You say that he is remorseful. Trust your feelings. Step by step he will get there. It is a long thorny path. It is not straightforward. Sometimes you will want to give up and sometimes he might want to quit (as was the case of an MN lady 'LetUsGoTothe Hill' who successfully rebuilt her marriage with her husband). Just keep remembering the man you loved for years and that disappeared under the crippling burden of everyday life. He will come back and even get better. Patience. You do not throw 20 years just like that: time adds so much texture to relationships. And no man will be a better dad to your kids.
MN posters do not know him. Someone said that I projected my case on yours - maybe; in fact surely to a certain extent: we view problems through our own experiences. But this is also the case of all the posters here: they view your case through their own experiences. Maybe they had bad experiences. Maybe their H/P or the people they knew were so bad that they were beyond redemption. Moreover they have a very small glimpse of him. Only you know your H in his wholeness.
I know mine. I really do love mine and I am sorry for his torment and I really wish the best to the child (she is my kids siblings). Still I am not yet at the stage where we have fully rebuilt our marriage. I know it will come. No rush. I trust more the people that know us in real life than people on MN who have just a partial glimpse of who we are. Real people who knows about the affair have fully integrated the affair in our life. It makes sense to them and they have fully forgiven him. You must do the same- trust your relatives and your friends. Can you go all of you to NZ for a little while? Good Night!

Kiwi - good luck I sincerely hope it all works out for you.
If it feels worth fighting for and giving your DH a second chance .. Go for it.

lots of people are married, but in truth are apathetically ambivalent to their partner. Yet people just expect them to stay together. a lot of (most) people stay together out of routine. You have been challenged, but your marriage is no less worthy of staying in.

Twink she lives in the UK- her family still lives in their Arab country. ANd really forget about my posts. It is fine if you think that I am gullible or whatever. Now I tell all MNs: I am sorry but I will ignore the posts that refer to my 'story

MaMao - people read 500 words on here and construct an argument, sometimes against a lifetime of experience. If you believe you are doing the right thing, good luck to you and best wishes for a happy future for you wherever it may take you

Thank you very much DrMo!
I must admit that MN -including Vivacia- really helped me through my angry phase. I 'trashed' here my H and I was then greatly supported. I am grateful to MN and to Vivacia for that. Now I keep coming to MN to try and help (one MN lady helped me a lot through the other stages - via personal mails not on MN posts). It is sad but it just seems that most posters here cannot get past the stage of anger and do not want to let Kiwi go past it! But Kiwi I hope you will be strong - and will find the right counselor and the right people to help you heal and rebuild your marriage. Twenty years of relationships/marriage and three kids and a man that can be funny, generous and caring, my Lord that is worth fighting for! Another thing you will soon realize that many families - strong and loving ones- had their own little share of heavy problems to overcome! Examples:
1- I visited my H's friend from childhood (and his wife) after DD. He told me that his dad left his mum a long time ago to go and live with the OW. The dad eventually came back home. His parents recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. His parents still travel throughout Germany and Europe in their caravan and they have fun and are very happy. (That was a surprise to my H.)
2- My daughter told her best friend about my H's affair and the child. This friend comes from a very solid family (they telephone each other every day- their parents' share the housework chores - her parents have their little dates etc ). Her friend told her mum and dad and all the family. And as a result, they implored me not to LTB and give him a chance (they love him) and they told me their story of bitter fights; they were on the brink of divorce. Now as I already said they are a wonderful strong and happy family.
Just project yourself to the age of 60 or more: you will laugh at this episode, you might even be fond of it as it has the potential of becoming a positive turning point in your marriage! (My daughters -they are at Uni- are already proud of our 'family' story: we are special and interesting - they think, and so do their friends who know about the affair.)

And what exactly qualifies you to know Dr Morbius?

OP please use your common sense.

Don't be silly owl - he's a man

Mama, Im glad you mentioned the OW being an Arab because it struck me from day one there was Arab or Islamic involvement at play here. I almost did ask you once but then decided against it because I just couldn't bring myself to point out to you what would be obvious to those who know the way of life and culture concerned, let alone as a woman who's walked what appears to be almost exactly the same road as you.

Your last few posts have reminded me very much of myself once upon a time and I know you've said you don't want people to feel sorry for you but such is the pain and anguish in your posts its very difficult not to, and not just because they remind me so much of myself once upon a time. I can see right through them and I doubt you're fooling very many people with the things you write. But more to the point I doubt you are even fooling yourself with them and I suspect there is a constant battle going on inside you day in and day out.

And I just want to add - please don't let people try to persuade you the wee one isn't your concern etc. You are doing exactly the right thing in regard to her.

*The lying and money was part of the original lies. If he has come clean now, they have a chance.

Twinkle - not too sure (even though I work in the gulf) but I think the mediterranean Arab countries may be OK! Such as Egypt.*

Blimey, you really haven't understood much whilst living in this part of the world. That some of the Mediterranean countries are more Arab and Islamic than those in the Gulf.

Being an unmarried mother, or Gay, are the biggest of no-no's all over the ME as well as places like Turkey. As for Egypt - OMG!

And I doubt very much the OW will ever be able to go home simply because she's an unmarried mother.

Im not sure she's Gay though, I thought she just lived with her pal.

Im sorry but 'bold' doesn't seem to be working for me.

I agree with birdie. When 04's husband and OW had their affair and a child together, they weren't exactly in positions of equal power and opportunity. They still aren't by all accounts. It's not just 04 that got shafted here.
I do hope that the OW has financial security and social independence wherever she is living now.

The lying and money was part of the original lies. If he has come clean now, they have a chance

I'm not sure it was. DH has affair. OP finds out and doesn't divorce him, gives him second chance. DH continues to contact OW and actually gives her £2000 behind OP's back. OP finds and doesn't divorce him, gives him third chance...