Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's comment in argument - don't know what to think.

133 replies

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 09:34

In a heated discussion/light argument, DP said 'being selfish makes people happy and so that's what I'm going to do. This makes me happy so I'm going to be selfish and do it.'

Context was regarding work - DP wanting to take a job that would mean my life was also uprooted etc etc due to its location. The context isn't really important - I'm willing to support DP as much as possible regardless of jobs, and work as a team to have a life together, but this comment made me feel a bit sick. He claims now it was said in anger, but he didn't sound angry when he said it - it sounded very calm and assertive.

Should I be worried? My worries are increased by the fact that his single, divorced mum (who is very much a part of his life), has a belief system that DP should have a single life that does not involve me and should not be concerned about my needs (word for word what she said). And the longer I'm with DP, the more I am starting to see that her - in my opinion - odd relationship views are in many ways imprinted in DP's mind (though he would claim they are not).

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

OP posts:
monkeysaymoo · 27/04/2015 09:37

Thoughts? Don't have children with this man. He's told you who he is so listen and decide if that's the life you want because he won't change

thehumanjam · 27/04/2015 09:37

At least he admits he is selfish, I suppose Confused. He is basically saying that his needs come first and you have to fit in. I wouldn't want someone like that so I would walk away.

Nolim · 27/04/2015 09:48

If he had said that in the context of having a selfish hobbie or not helping out a friend or something like that it could have been nothing more than an annoying comment. But if he is talking about his/yours life or relationship this doesnt dound good at all.

I suggest you do the "selfish" thing by letting him be selfish and happy on hiw own.

AlternativeTentacles · 27/04/2015 09:53

LTB

Or let him fuck off and stay where you are.

suzannecanthecan · 27/04/2015 09:57

he let his guard down and spoke the truth, now wishes he'd not let you see the real him!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2015 10:03

He is telling you who he is so I would be listening very carefully - and planning your exit from this relationship.

Your last paragraph re his mother is also concerning; have you written about her before under another name?.

DoJo · 27/04/2015 10:08

The thing is, for many people, being selfish doesn't make them happy, especially if the selfishness has a negative impact on those they love, and it's not something that they would even think, let alone express in that way. Expressing it as an absolute not only tells you where you are on his priorities, but also something about his mindset which I think is unlikely to change. If that's what he believes, then so be it, but you have to decide whether you are prepared to always be expected to subjugate your happiness for his.

Miggsie · 27/04/2015 10:25

In a relationship you should want the other person to be happy - or at least not unhappy, he's basically said "go along with what I want or piss off, I don't care".
Your happiness doesn't register with him - yes his mother has brought him up to crap on people, and he is doing so.
You can't change him, find someone who cares about your happiness.

suzannecanthecan · 27/04/2015 10:25

he lacks empathy thats for sure
not a good bet for a partnership!

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2015 10:28

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

Original poster
aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 10:29

Thanks for the responses.

I was a bit taken aback when he said it because my happiness, 99% of the time, comes from the fact that he is happy. That makes me happy. Doing things soley for myself rarely makes me happy. It just rang an alarm bell that perhaps he just doesn't want/understand/know how to have a relationship.

I confronted him over it since the argument, and he says that it was just said in the heat of the moment. It wasn't though. He said is plainly and clearly and calmly.

At times recently, I've felt like I wanted to beg him to understand how amazing it can be to put your all into a relationship and put the other person first/equal to your own wants. He was amazing at the start, but as time has gone on and inevitable life challenges appear, it's becomming clear what his opinin is on relationships :( I feel so sad because I can see how lonely, bitter and closed off his mum is, and that seems to be the path he is following - thinking only of himself. It's so ironic because I'm the complete opposite...I tend to be far too accomodating to the other person's needs, and that's probably why we have been together as long as we have, in hindsight! I just wish he would appreciate how much I am willing to compromise, and be thanksful of it, rather than just having this attitude that he comes first.

When I tell him he puts himself first he will list exaples where that's not been the case: helping me out financially, driving me to an event, paying for dinner. He doesn't seem to get that the things that are the bones of our lives are the deicisons that matter in terms of compromise :(

OP posts:
Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 27/04/2015 10:29

I really wouldn't be prepared to relocate with a partner who thought about me like that.

He revealed what he really thinks of you in the heat of the moment. Remember that, not anything he says afterwards, when he is trying to persuade you to uproot your whole life for him.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/04/2015 10:30

Would it make him happier to take the job and split up with you?

Then sure, he has the "right" to do that.

I'm guessing that he meant he wanted to stay in the relationship but that he has the right to reduce your happiness at the expense of increasing his because, err, dunno.

Original poster
aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 10:32

And we have been together nearly 3 years, and are both late twenties.

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/04/2015 10:33

Another one saying don't relocate and don't have children.

Particularly if the relocation involves another country, or you not having a job or giving up on your career.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/04/2015 10:33

Do you live together?

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2015 10:33

my happiness, 99% of the time, comes from the fact that he is happy. That makes me happy. Doing things soley for myself rarely makes me happy

Oh dear. There's your problem, right there.

Lweji · 27/04/2015 10:33

3 years is nothing, you are not married.

End it now and find someone who values you.

He is telling you who he is now. Listen to him.

tumbletumble · 27/04/2015 10:34

I wouldn't be concerned by this comment on its own, if it was said in the heat of the moment. But I would be very concerned by his subsequent behaviour if it matches the comment, ie if he really does plan to uproot you with no thought or consideration for whether that suits you. You need to say 'no' to this plan and see how he responds then. Is he willing to discuss the issue, listen properly to your views and work out a compromise? If not, then you should be very concerned indeed.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/04/2015 10:35

"because my happiness, 99% of the time, comes from the fact that he is happy"

"At times recently, I've felt like I wanted to beg him to understand how amazing it can be to put your all into a relationship and put the other person first/equal to your own wants"

I think you could be a bit more selfish here, tbh!

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 27/04/2015 10:36

His list of putting you first is just basic couple stuff I think. Unless he gave up important things to drive you to events? Paying for dinner is putting you first? Just No.

QuintShhhhhh · 27/04/2015 10:37

what about YOUR job? Let him go and work where he wants, and you work where you want.... Dont be a doormat, and dont have kids with him!

GoatsDoRoam · 27/04/2015 10:43

You're a giver, he's a taker.

So, you're entirely compatible, but entirely at your expense. He's going to keep on taking until you are spent.

You can't change who he is, love. All you can change is how much you give (so, going against your own nature), or change who you're with (throw this one back, and find yourself another giver, so you can each give to each other).

gamerchick · 27/04/2015 10:48

Have you tried asking him that if doing this thing he wants to do means you both splitting up and going your separate ways would he not look back?

It'll probably answer all of your questions about the kind of future he's willing to have with you.

Original poster
aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 10:50

whonickedmyname I'm not saying that I am not able to be happy without my DP. I am saying that in life, generally, my hapiness comes from not being elfihs. ie doing things for and with other people. ie my DP, my siblings, my parents, friends etc. I don't think that is a problem - I think that true happiness cannot be found in living only for yourself. At least, I've not found that to be the case.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread