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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's comment in argument - don't know what to think.

133 replies

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 09:34

In a heated discussion/light argument, DP said 'being selfish makes people happy and so that's what I'm going to do. This makes me happy so I'm going to be selfish and do it.'

Context was regarding work - DP wanting to take a job that would mean my life was also uprooted etc etc due to its location. The context isn't really important - I'm willing to support DP as much as possible regardless of jobs, and work as a team to have a life together, but this comment made me feel a bit sick. He claims now it was said in anger, but he didn't sound angry when he said it - it sounded very calm and assertive.

Should I be worried? My worries are increased by the fact that his single, divorced mum (who is very much a part of his life), has a belief system that DP should have a single life that does not involve me and should not be concerned about my needs (word for word what she said). And the longer I'm with DP, the more I am starting to see that her - in my opinion - odd relationship views are in many ways imprinted in DP's mind (though he would claim they are not).

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

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Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 10:51

*selfish

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Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 10:53

gamerchick Yes, I have and he says that I could not love him if I wanted to stop him doing this.

I sort of agree with his view on that - surely if I love him then I would want him to do what makes him happy? I just wish he felt the same about me..

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expatinscotland · 27/04/2015 10:55

When someone tells you who they are, LISTEN to them. He is showing you and telling you. I just hope the scales fall from your eyes soon.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/04/2015 10:57

It's a problem when others take advantage of our good nature, and we let them.

Being compassionate towards others and working for something greater than ourselves = great, probably a human being's highest calling.

Being a doormat = doing an injury to ourselves; not giving ourselves the same compassion we give to others.

Think of the airplane safety instructions of putting your own oxygen mask on before you help others into theirs. That's not selfishness: that's ensuring you'll have enough resources to help anyone at all.

Using that analogy here:

Someone like you puts other people into their oxygen masks even though she might go without.
Someone like your partner grabs a mask for himself, and if he has one then all is well, according to him. Other people? What other people?

YonicScrewdriver · 27/04/2015 10:57

Years ago DP considered going abroad for work (we weren't living together then).

I said I would wish him well but would break up with him, happy to catch up when he got back if we were both single.

It wasn't a threat; it's genuinely what I'd've done.

Lweji · 27/04/2015 10:59

Why would you stop him doing anything?
He can choose what to do.
In the same way that you can choose to stay exactly where you are.

Lweji · 27/04/2015 11:00

Always break up with anyone who tell you "if you loved me, you would..."

Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 11:03

lweji what he says is that I should support him if I love him. I agree with him about this, generally. But his attitude is clearly just about him, what he needs and wnats from life. He said this would mkae him happy so that's what he will do and that's what he thinks is ok in a relationship, regarldess of the effect that his deciisons have on us as a ouple.

The comment he made abotu being selfish has just confirmed all my concerns that he genuinely has no clue on what it is to have a healthy and happy relationship with another person.

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ravenmum · 27/04/2015 11:05

surely if I love him then I would want him to do what makes him happy?

So he's making you feel guilty about not being loving enough, in order to get you to do what he wants - and at the same time doing exactly what he says proves you don't love him? He has two sets of standards; one for him, one for you? And he's manipulative. You're young and have plenty of time to find someone who's nice to you. You don't have to compromise like this.

Lweji · 27/04/2015 11:05

Exactly, ask him what he should do if he loved you.

Because his job and his life is more important than yours. It will always be. You will follow him and have children with him at your peril.

Where does he want to relocate to, btw?

GoatsDoRoam · 27/04/2015 11:08

He certainly does not have the same values as you.

tumbletumble · 27/04/2015 11:09

Agree that he has two sets of standards - he is criticising you for not doing something he'd never do himself. Does he genuinely lack the logic to admit this if you pointed it out?

gamerchick · 27/04/2015 11:09

its very fortunate you don't have any kids together really because I can almost guarentee it would be your life that changes and his very little. Atm you probably have the energy and balance in your life to give him enough to get the rewards of pleasing him so it's not really that much of an issue. But if the balance shifts say add a baby or serious illness where you would be overloaded and need something back, then could you be sure he would pick up the slack to keep things on an even keel? Or would he carry on as before until you burn out and leave or he leaves you?

My experience of this type of person is they'll suck you dry until you're spent and move on to the next, their conscience clear that who they were was put to you from the start.

If you want to dedicate your life to his happiness then that's fine but its a risky place to stay in for your own personal well being for ever.

Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 11:11

I'm worried that he is going to turn into the selfish person that his parents so blatently are :( I genuinely don't think he can see it at all. His parents (particularly mother) do whatever they want whenever they want, with absolutely no thought to anyone else. It's quite chilling to see. My dad who is one of the most compassionate people I know, even said he was shocked by DP's behaviour in the past. I understand that my DP can't see it because after all, it's his family. And I can deal with the family memebrs and be civil. I just dont want a partner who will turn into a full blown verison of people like his mother :(

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Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 11:12

*sorry, dad was shcoked by my DP's mother;s behaviour in the past, not DP's.

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Lweji · 27/04/2015 11:13

I can already see the posts in a couple of years.

You, still not married, two kids (maybe one and pregnant with the other), no funds to start over, he is probably having an affair, doing fuck all at home or spending his weekends being happy with his hobby. Most likely living in a different country you can't leave because of the children and not being able to take them out, or so far from home that you feel you don't have any support and wouldn't separate the children from the dad who hardly cares about them.

Lweji · 27/04/2015 11:14

Quite frankly, he is not going to turn into his mother.
He IS already at least a good deal selfish and very similar to her. He just doesn't feel as secure in doing it to you yet. Wait until he does...

AlternativeTentacles · 27/04/2015 11:15

I tend to be far too accomodating to the other person's needs, and that's probably why we have been together as long as we have, in hindsight!

Yeah, that's probably why he picked you in the first place. Someone who so evidently puts him first. He wins either way doesn't he?

YonicScrewdriver · 27/04/2015 11:16

If family members (whose judgement you trust) express concerns about your partner, take them seriously if you think they are coming from a place of love.

My parents like my DH. They probably like him more than they like me

DorisLessingsCat · 27/04/2015 11:16

My happiness, 99% of the time, comes from the fact that he is happy. That makes me happy. Doing things solely for myself rarely makes me happy.

I've felt like I wanted to beg him to understand how amazing it can be to put your all into a relationship and put the other person first/equal to your own wants

This sounds like a recipe for disaster, really too martyr-ish. Your first responsibility should be for your own happiness, living through other people's happiness is not good at all.

I thought it was best expressed when a minister at a wedding ceremony said that people shouldn't automatically expect their spouse to look after them. Instead you should have the mindset "I will look after myself for you".

Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 11:17

lweji perhaps you are right and i am being naieve. But honestly, I don't think my DP would have an affair, he isn't that sort of man. He also helps out loads in the house, will do the food shop, clean, cook etc. Granted, I don't know what eh would be like with kids involved, but so far, in the home, he;s great.

Just when it comes to big life decisions, he seems to think it's all about him, always. In th epast he has also refused to do a 40 minutue commute to work. Things like that more than cancel out the good day to day things he does.

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Smorgasboard · 27/04/2015 11:17

Do you believe his happiness and life to be more important to you than your own? Is his job more important? What of your future? Does he see you as the future wife at home raising the kids,while he is the main earner? Is that what you want out of life?
If raising children is your future goal, it could work his way. Seems like a bit of an old-fashioned stereotypical way to live for someone of your generation.
It comes down to what you want out of the future. Is he the type who would take on his fair share of childcare or leave it all to you? If you don't want kids and your career is important to you, he's the wrong man. If you do want kids but you want to share the responsibility of rearing them, he's still the wrong man. If you want to be a SAHM, it may work for a while until you get fed up of his self-entitlement, or he gets his head turned by someone he feels he deserves. If he develops the ability to think of his children as more important than him, and appreciates all you do for him and them, it may work in the long term. Only you can know these things.

Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 11:18

doris please see my above post clarifying my previous post...

I'm not saying that I am not able to be happy without my DP. I am saying that in life, generally, my hapiness comes from not being elfihs. ie doing things for and with other people. ie my DP, my siblings, my parents, friends etc. I don't think that is a problem - I think that true happiness cannot be found in living only for yourself. At least, I've not found that to be the case.

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Lweji · 27/04/2015 11:20

Did you think he'd want to relocate and emotionally blackmail you over it?

The abuse often starts when children are born. When the partner becomes more vulnerable and the abuser feels secure that the partner won't leave.

Are you 100% sure of your partner?
What you are sure is that he is selfish at heart regarding the big decisions.

Original poster

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 11:22

smorgasboard I have a good job but I want a family sand would happily be a SAHM (assuiming im married with the right person!). So yes, I supoose in that sense, myself and DP are well suited. I'm definitely ok with him taking the lead job-wise and im happy to sacrifice mine. I want to be a good wife and have kids - that is a proprity to me. But yes, at the same time, I want him to appreicate it and put my needs first more often than he does and I would definitely want him to put our kids needs before his, every single time. I couldnt live with him if he didnt do that, I already know that.

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