DP's comment in argument - don't know what to think.

[aliceregintt]

In a heated discussion/light argument, DP said 'being selfish makes people happy and so that's what I'm going to do. This makes me happy so I'm going to be selfish and do it.'

Context was regarding work - DP wanting to take a job that would mean my life was also uprooted etc etc due to its location. The context isn't really important - I'm willing to support DP as much as possible regardless of jobs, and work as a team to have a life together, but this comment made me feel a bit sick. He claims now it was said in anger, but he didn't sound angry when he said it - it sounded very calm and assertive.

Should I be worried? My worries are increased by the fact that his single, divorced mum (who is very much a part of his life), has a belief system that DP should have a single life that does not involve me and should not be concerned about my needs (word for word what she said). And the longer I'm with DP, the more I am starting to see that her - in my opinion - odd relationship views are in many ways imprinted in DP's mind (though he would claim they are not).

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

I used to go out with someone who let me (as I termed it) in his 'show' (I was in the Dan show). We didn't share OUR life, he let me tag along in his.

We argued and split up eventually as I am not an adjunct to someone else's life. I told him to leave me alone as it wasn't what I wanted.

He came crawling (& sobbing back) after being being apart for several months. We've be happily married as a team ever since. He's still inclined to be selfish but much less now he knows I WILL be taken seriously.

Don't be a doormat he won't respect you.

Yes but there is a lot of ground between living only for yourself and putting your own happiness last.
He sounds like the kind of arsehole who, when you complain about his behaviour in the future ( which will get worse if you enable him like this) he can say he did warn you so it's your own fault.
Seriously have a rethink about your own self esteem and future happiness - try to find happiness for yourself rather than relying on others for it.

Would the 40 min commute have helped your life out? How far would you commute? The thing is to not expect others to do what you you are not prepared to do yourself. Seems a fair decision for him to make on the face of it, but not if it means that your commute becomes an hour because of it. Compromise would be living in the middle.

hoppinggreen I don';t rely on my DP's happiness for my own happiness.

I am saying that I find true happiness comes from sharing life with anothe rperson, whether that be a friend, partner, husband, parent. etc.

I am happy in my own right, but whoever I have as a partner, I will always vbe happy when they are happy. It doesnt mean that is my only source of enjoyment of life - it isn't.

Agree that my self esteem needs to improve, though, and maybe I need to re-think whether he every thinks of my happiness...

Alice, I've just skimmed the thread and am responding because your posts are disturbing in their promotion of extreme selflessness, despite the fact that it's quite obvious this is not making you happy, or you wouldn't be posting. It sounds to me as if you are in fact enabling your partner in his equally extreme selfishness by you 'finding happiness in his happiness' - and that's good for neither of you. You are deforming one another by not engaging in the normal give and take and compromises that couples with a healthier dynamic do as a normal part of their lives, big and small.

Of course he thinks it's all about him - you have let him feel that way. You say yourself that you are too accommodating, and that this is the only reason you are still together, presumably because there are no consequences for his insistence on privileging his own comfort and preferences over yours. That way lies intense suppressed unhappiness for you at best, and at worst a psychologically abusive, one-sided, exploitative relationship.

My mother is like you, and has automatically assumed my father's preferences were more important than hers during her entire life - she is now a very lonely elderly woman with a problematic relationship with her four children because she doesn't understand how hard it was to live with her when we were small - she doesn't understand that her own suppressed dissatisfaction and anger frightened us, because she would unconsciously take it out on us, not my father. (Who is not actually consciously selfish, incidentally, just absolutely oblivious to my mother's needs.)

Don't have children with this man.

smogsboard, it was closer to his place of work than to mine. I would have done an hour and ten mins to work. So no, he, as usual, had the easy option but still couldnt compromise.

babytuckoo it's not that I assume my DP's preferences are more important than mine. I know they are no less or more important.

I just know the imprtance of compormise and I guess the less he compromised, the more I did, to componsate for it...it needs to stop doesnt it I guess..

Oh Alice love, I was once in a relationship with an incredibly selfish man. I tried and tried to make it work, and to get him to commit to anything with me.

Eventually he just walked out. His selfishness couldn't handle making any compromises for me.

Best thing he ever did because I then found a wonderful man, who showed me everything a relationship can be when you're both in it to make each other happy.

Cut your losses, and you'll look back in a year and be thankful.

I would definitely want him to put our kids needs before his, every single time. I couldnt live with him if he didnt do that, I already know that.

Well then, by your own standards, you can't live with this particular man.

Don't bring children onto the scene only to confirm what is already obvious.

I read your clarifying post but I think you still have a problem if you say 99 percent of the time you are happy because he is happy.

Nobody is ever going to thank you for that. No partner. No kids. No boss. Nobody will appreciate it, even if you find people who are all very happy to accept it. Many people will accept it but grow to resent it, resent you.

You have to live for you. That doesn't mean be selfish or unkind. Just, if you aren't your own number one, you aren't living your own life. You only get one. Don't waste it.

alice,

re your comment:-
"I tend to be far too accomodating to the other person's needs, and that's probably why we have been together as long as we have, in hindsight!"

You were targeted by him; he saw that within you and has used this to his
advantage. It also reads like you are co-dependent and act as such within a relationship. Its a very unhealthy state and being as selfless as you have (in your eyes anyway because that fulfils an innate need within you) been has simply allowed him to use you.

Ask yourself these questions honestly:-
•Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
•Do you recognize unhealthy behaviours in your partner but stay with him in spite of them?
•Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?

Have you written about this man and his mother before now under a namechange?. His reluctance on the commute is also something that makes me think you have written about him before now.

Aside from how your DP is behaving towards you, I would suggest that your approach to relationships is not all that healthy either, OP.

Having your happiness dependant upon the feelings of others with whom you have relationships can put an intolerable burden on them. This is the case for your romantic partner, and especially the case for any children you may have. They may end up believing that they have to be happy in order that you are happy, and so may struggle to turn to you for support when they are unhappy because instead of finding in you a calm and positive outlook, they know they will find an unhappy one, and will end up doing the consoling themselves. Also, there is a real danger of children in particular feeling obligated to be happy because of 'all the things I do for you' and feeling stifled and restricted from saying "actually, I would prefer to do Y rather than X as the way you do X doesn't really suit me".

You need to become a little more self-reliant. Find ways that you can make yourself happy that doesn't depend on others. That doesn't mean that you can't be very giving of your time and emotions, but that shouldn't be your whole raison d'être. There is a very fine line between being very loving and generous, and being so needy that your happiness is wholly dependant on the actions, reactions and feelings of someone else. The former is great; the latter is, dare I say it, selfish.

Attila Thanks for your post.

I know that I am too accomodating, and I think beign with my DP has only made it worse because he seems so oblivious to his own actions and impact on us sometimes.

I have a lot of satisfaction in my life otuside DP, and I very much enjoy life - have lots of friends and good job prospects and the ability to go on nice holidays etc and have a lovely family. I don't require my DP ot be happy - in fact, recently, he has become a source of sadness, because i feel he just takes from the relationships, and never gives much back. it's always me compromising.

I think my DP genuinely has a problem with identifying how to have a healthy relationship with someone. At the start he is perfect - like all relationships. But he struggles with proper committment and struggles ot keep to his word on various things.

I think I can be with my DP if I let go of a fw things thta are important to me like stability and proper companionship where you build alife together, rathet than a life apart where you both fit in. I think if I wasnt bothered about a future with DP then we would be a very happy couple as we ge ton very well. Unfortunately, it's beginnign to feel like I will never have all that from him, ever.

18 months ago he said he wanted to propose... nothing ever came of it.

I've posted before but only once and it was about DP and travel. It might have been me.

I'm curious. What happened to the commute problem?

Did you change jobs for him? Are you commuting for 2 hours?

If this was deciding where to live, then you now know that you don't have to live somewhere where you would need to commute as long as 40 minutes, with the perfect reason that he wouldn't do it .
Seems fair for him to decide that. You may not have a problem with the distance but it's equally ok for him to not be fine with it. The compromise is picking somewhere else to live, not trying to force him to be happy to do what you are willing to. Don't expect others to match your sacrifices, if you know you give more than most would, they are not going to reciprocate to the same level. You need to get down nearer to his level and save your giving for others who appreciate it or are of a similar opinion.

my happiness, 99% of the time, comes from the fact that he is happy. That makes me happy. Doing things soley for myself rarely makes me happy.

The rest of your posts seem to suggest that you problem with this man is that he isn't like you.

Whether that is to do with his parents or not is neither here nor there, he just isn't. You sound quite bewildered by this and as if you are trying to find a way round it. There isn't one. He isn't going to change personality. Your reactions to his decisions sound quite accepting also - his job change would mean uprooting you rather than you both splitting up or having a long distance relationship suggests you would just sigh and follow him rather than weighing up the situation for yourself and deciding what is in your own best interests.

I think the life you want with this man with you as the sAHM, sacrificing your career etc sounds like an absolutely bloody recipe for disaster considering your different outlooks on relationships. Sorry but think you should rethink the whole thing from this perspective. He is not the right type of man to build this type of life with. You will end up vulnerable and possibly royally shafted.

Please fast forward 10 years. You are a sahm, having given up your career. He's still developing his. He's working longer and longer hours. He is unwilling to commute, so you are left without support of friends and family to accommodate his needs. He's not interested enough in you to come home at a reasonable hour, so he starts pursuing a life outside of you. This is likely, at some point, to involve other women. His working hours mean that he feels justified in doing no childcare, so you pick up all the drudge. You cannot find work because his takes priority. As time goes on, you become less and less employable. Your skills become out of date. Your confidence goes. You get older. The opportunities dry up.

He will bleed you dry, mentally and emotionally. He will have affairs, and still have sex with you, because he will believe in his own entitlement to it. You will keep faith with this man, because it's in your nature to be accommodating. And you will end up hurt, confused and broken.

Please don't go there.

Alice, please don't consider having children with, being a SAHM and becoming economically dependent on this man. I think you know this yourself. Your DP has never learned to compromise or to put other people first - in part because you've compromised you he doesn't have to - and there's no indication he would have a sudden change of heart because children were involved. From everything you've said, he would view the children as subsets of you - therefore comparatively unimportant compared to him - and his needs would continue to outweigh those of the rest of the family.

Do you really want to see your children, when they are small, learning that Daddy is the important one, and having you creep around minimising their inconvenience from his point of view, and 'explaining' how important his needs are to them? Do you want to have to explain to them that they are moving to the other end of the country in the middle of the school year because Daddy's been offered a great job and is excited about it?

Do you honestly believe that, in the event that you had a child with significant special needs who needed specialist care/a specific specialist school which meant significant compromises from the entire family/relocation for particular therapies etc that he would suddenly give up a lifelong pattern of behaviour?

It will break your heart to see your future children being treated the way he treats you - if you want kids, it can't be with him.

I mean treat him at a similar level that he treats you. Give to those who have capacity to give in return or at least appreciate the sacrifice rather than expecting it.

mamaslatts I am beginnig to agree that essentially, the life I want isn't going to happen with DP. It will be a struggle to have a secure, happy home where he follows through with his word... I agree that his parents' impact is irrelevant to what he is doiing right now, but it shows, as othe rposter shave said, that that is the way he is heading/is already there.

If I am doing what's best for me then it's taking a step back from this and considering whether a life without him would provide me with a future I want. He would claim not, but so far nothing has happneed ot suggest otherwise.

You know it's wonderful to make other people happy. I love making my husband happy - little things to make him feel loved.

But... He reciprocates. He loves to make me happy.

In your case, it's all one way. He will take and take and take until you're a shell of your former self. You will lose yourself.

Please don't have kids with him! He wants a mother and a housekeeper, not an equal partner.

"I think my DP genuinely has a problem with identifying how to have a healthy relationship with someone".

Well he would do anyway because his mother also taught him a rubbish relationship template. He is simply repeating what he learnt from her in childhood. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did he learn and just as importantly what did you learn as well?.

Such people cannot be fixed and particularly by a nice woman like your good self who accommodates their man at their own emotional expense. You were not put on this earth to look after the emotional needs of others at your expense. You give too much and he keeps taking; in the end you will left wondering where the hell the last decade went because he is still the same, still taking from you.

Re yor comment:-
"I think I can be with my DP if I let go of a few things that are important to me like stability and proper companionship where you build alife together, rather than a life apart where you both fit in".

What life are you really building together; it all seems to me all give on your part and all take on his. He couldn't even compromise on a commute.
I am horrified you have written the above. No no and no again!!!. Where has that particular mindest come from; that needs to be properly addressed by you. Letting go and compromising your own self is never a good idea, this man will further latch onto that and you will further enable this dysfunctional relationship. Do not knock stability either; he has shown you no proper commitment and this is really built on sand.

It suits him to keep things as they are because he is getting precisely what he wants from this. You though, what are you getting out of this now, what is the payoff for you?. Why are you selling yourself so short and settling for this individual?.

I know it's really hard to let go, but you need to. This will only end in tears when you are older, and possibly have kids, and make starting again even harder.

Perhaps he will not want more than 1 child, because the first one takes too much effort and sacrifice which he can't handle
Perhaps he will not want ANY children and you are trapped by marriage and even more commitment than you have already made
Perhaps he will expect YOU to make all the sacrifices for children - staying home, getting up in the night, cleaning up after them - whilst he sits and relaxes in the evening and sleeps through the night
Perhaps he will find his needs are not being met by you when you are trying to meet your children's needs. So he will 'selfishly' go and get his needs met elsewhere, by somebody else.

I think he is showing his true colours in more minor ways now, but kids will make things 100% worse. It is sad he has had the upbringing he has, and has not seen it for what it is - which means he cannot deal with it. He WILL be like his Mum if he can't see what she is like and see it as wrong.

Find someone lovely, OP, where you both compromise. Sounds like you have great parents to model a relationship on (Thank Goodness, or you may have married this man), so try and find someone more like your Dad!

Thnaks everyone for your insights.

I appreciate what some posters are saying that I am not giving enough weight to my own wants and needs and happiness, and as a result, that isno thelping the reltionship. I suppose I had hoped I had found someone who wouldnt take advantage of that part of me...I like ot make my DP happy, just as I like to make my friends and family happy. It doesn't mean I am dependant on my DP for happines s- it just means i care about him and enjoy being a positive addition to his life. I can see though that the less he has cimpromised, the more i have, and it's probably gone too far at this point. I need to get back to staying firm to what I want fromlife, just as much as he does.

It does worry me that the 'remplate' as you say above, is that of his mother. As much as I enjoy DP's mum's company, we are polar opposite when it comes to views on relationships. Having been divrocred twice, and lived alone for the last 17 years, I stand firm in my belief that I am doing the right thing in my approach to relationships, albeit, maybe a little too much focus on my DP and not me.

I just want someone who cares as much for my happiness as I do for theirs, and, more importantly, WANTS to do that, becaus eit is important to them. DP seems completely oblivious to all these kinds of things and just ploughs through his life. I'm bored of just fitting in.