DP's comment in argument - don't know what to think.

[aliceregintt]

In a heated discussion/light argument, DP said 'being selfish makes people happy and so that's what I'm going to do. This makes me happy so I'm going to be selfish and do it.'

Context was regarding work - DP wanting to take a job that would mean my life was also uprooted etc etc due to its location. The context isn't really important - I'm willing to support DP as much as possible regardless of jobs, and work as a team to have a life together, but this comment made me feel a bit sick. He claims now it was said in anger, but he didn't sound angry when he said it - it sounded very calm and assertive.

Should I be worried? My worries are increased by the fact that his single, divorced mum (who is very much a part of his life), has a belief system that DP should have a single life that does not involve me and should not be concerned about my needs (word for word what she said). And the longer I'm with DP, the more I am starting to see that her - in my opinion - odd relationship views are in many ways imprinted in DP's mind (though he would claim they are not).

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

lottie he has tried to make the effort to make things better for me. he makes many false promises though and changes his mind every day nearly on what he wants. i end up feeling so confused. he wa suppsoeed to be back by novemebr (that was the initial agreement), and it's gone on to beyond xmas now.

his relationship is not top priority

I'm not sure it should be, to be honest - in unmarried or un-contracted relationship. That's kind of a weird thing to write.

alice, you seem to have this bizarre idea that there are two approaches to relationships, his mother's and your own, and that his mother's ended up leaving her divorced and alone, therefore yours is the most desirable approach to have.

If you're actually taking in what posters are telling you, you will see that that is an utterly warped understanding of relationships, and that your approach is no better than hers.

It sounds like you quietly worship this man and the imaginary relationship you think you could have with him if only he were a completely different person. I can't imagine how inexperienced in relationships or emotionally damaged you must be to be going along with this and even stubbornly defending these choices when posters are pointing out the flaws.

This man does not love you the way you think he does. Nowhere near. Stop subjecting yourself to this relationship.

bloody hell. I don't see how long term happiness is possible with this man unless you make your life about making him happy. Everything fine and dandy as long as what he wants is all that matters. Right now you are happy pleasing others and that feels like personal happiness but one day you'll come to understand that the two are not the same thing and when you do, that will make you very unhappy with your life.

When it's just the two of you, it's only affecting you and that's your choice. But please don't have children with him. Imagine children suffering a father who will never put them first because he believes that he has the right to be selfish and that's what life's about. Children deserve a better parent than that.

You deserve a better partner than that but when you're making this choice just for you, that's up to you. Don't make it for children though, will you?

And, like others, I'd be really worried about how much worse your life would be when you actually need to be able to rely upon him, financially, practically and emotionally, when you have babies. The answer is, you will not be able to rely on him at all, will be lonely, sad, desperate and your life will be awful.

He might grow up one day - perhaps when his selfishness affects a relationship he actually cares about - or he might get worse and worse.

We don't know why his mother was divorced twice. Maybe she is the type not to put up with men who don't treat her properly, like her son! (Although admittedly, it would be better to work that out before marriage - but sometimes it's not possible).

I think the OP worships relationships, not him. I can't express it properly, but it seems a bit warped.

OP, have you had any long periods out of relationships and were you happy?

How does someone 'try to make the effort to make things better' for someone? I mean, either you make the effort or you don't, surely? Not splitting semantic hairs, here, but that actually sounds like an important distinction.Are you saying he doesn't actually make the effort to make things better for you, but he talks about it and then fails to follow through on his intentions?

You are presenting yourself as worryingly passive in this relationship, OP.

This relationship dynamic is not normal. Let me give you an example from my relationship. We're both very career-focused, and that has meant us both accommodating the other - for instance, we had to choose between my job and his job just after we had a child for complicated reasons and a huge change in circumstances I won't bore you by going into. (The original plan was we were privileging my job, and he was going to work part-time and do most of the childcare. But things changed.) So I quit my permanent, prestigious job and moved somewhere I wouldn't choose to live for his sake. He recognises that this was a huge sacrifice on my part, and is supporting me financially and in all ways in using the extra time I now have to change direction in my career in a way I wouldn't have been able to do had I stayed in my previous post. And recognises that our next move will be for my job, and he will work with that in his career.

That's balanced and healthy - people giving and taking because they love each other. Not one person abasing themselves before the needs of the other. Our relationship is not perfect, of course, but it's not entirely one-sided in terms of sacrifices.

And yes to what Smilla said - it's not Total Self-Sacrifice vs Complete Selfishness as approaches to relationships.

I think you have posted about your relationship at least once a week. DP taking an overseas job and single, divorced MIL who is needy and always denigrate your relationship with her son.

Leave the relationship, please. If you are posting this often, it's not worth it.

I admit I might be wrong about you being that poster but the scenarios are so similar.

I have a good job but I want a family sand would happily be a SAHM (assuiming im married with the right person!). So yes, I supoose in that sense, myself and DP are well suited. I'm definitely ok with him taking the lead job-wise and im happy to sacrifice mine. I want to be a good wife and have kids - that is a proprity to me

I read this and felt really, really worried for you.

It's like watching a slow motion car crash from behind your fingers.

You'll be back here in 5 years, unmarried, two children, completely devoid of any support or life of your own and scared to ask anything of your DP in case you upset him and he fucks off.

mynewpassion I've posted about the job previously, but not the mother.

I just want to hae a more equal partnership and the more he wont compromise, the more ihave to, to make it work. it's starting to feel massively unfair.

merrymarigold his mum is divorced twice because she has huge problems forming relationships with anyone. she falls out with friends regularly for simialr reasons. she also asked my DP to move in with him, and asked my mum if she could 'share' my dad. i won't go into anymore..

mynewpassion - I agree with you. The 40 minute commute, the work opportunity that keeps changing, OP's contract until Christmas, the MIL issues all sounds familiar.

OP, you're too good for him. He won't make you happy. Please consider counselling for your self-esteem.

"I think my DP genuinely has a problem with identifying how to have a healthy relationship with someone."

I am saying this in the gentlest way possible.

Your dp isn't on his own with this.

Your idea of a healthy relationship isn't healthy either. It might be, if he was different.

I get the whole giving making you happy stance. I believe a lot of people in the last few generations have growing holes in their souls, which they seem to feel they can close with consumer products. I also think that it would be much better filled with acts if kindness and giving.

However, in your situation it isn't the equivalent of giving to the deserving or the appreciative. Instead of giving to starving children in Africa, you are giving to daddy Warbucks.

If you were giving to the needy and appreciative, and were getting kindness and loving back in return, then that would be a healthy relationship.

The fact that you will put up with this and are trying to negotiate and minimalise with yourself and make self sacrifices in order for it to work, makes YOU have a very unhealthy idea of how relationships work.

Think about it this way: he doesn't love you. Not enough.

Cut your loses short and move on asap.

"I just want to hae a more equal partnership and the more he wont compromise, the more ihave to, to make it work. it's starting to feel massively unfair".

And that Alice is because it really is.

You will never have a more equal footing with this man because he is all take, take and take some more from you till there is nothing left. You learnt from somewhere and someone how to be co-dependent in a relationship.

I would also suggest you now read "Co-dependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Run for the hills, OP.

I am on the brink of separating from someone whose belief system re. relationships (also from his mother) is to 'look after Number 1". This was not obvious in the early days but with the glory of hindsight, I gave and he received even then. Fast forward 10 years, and the inevitable life issues mean there are fewer resources for his needs. I basically parent our 2 children single handedly and he behaves like a child himself - resentful and bitter that his needs don't come first. He has a successful career, I am a SAHM and still the message comes from his mother (and extended family) not to think about me at all. Once they put themselves above your children (and he will) then it all becomes unbearable.

I have spent many years dancing to his tune, trying to make him happier. There has been almost zero effort to do the same from his side.

You have the benefit of 'hindsight' here, because he has clearly told you how he feels and believes. Take advantage of it, please, however difficult that seems.

I agree tha I've learnt from my mum to be very very accomodating to my DP's needs. The only difference is that my dad is also attentive to what my mum wants..though looking at it objectively, my mum still naturally puts herself and her own desires behind those of my dads.

That is definitely where I have this extreme idea from. But I dont think i am like my mum entirely. i wouldnt be messagign here if i was - i know deep down that it's not ok what my DP is doing. I know that. Yes, I am perhaps more accomodating than the next person, and maybe ive not drawn the line on my own compromises soon enough, but i am aware that my DP is taking the piss here. I shuld have left when the 40 min commute was too much for him.

I agree with Atilla's post upthread, the one with bullet points.

Reading your first few posts, alice, I got the picture that you simply don't have a compatible relationship style. He sees partnerships as parallel journeys: you're together for as long as you're both going the same way, then shake hands and promise to write when you head off to different departure gates. You see them as deeply and permanently bonded: not so much travelling companions as mutually dependent for the entire journey.

In fact, the image your posts give me is of him travelling while you revolve around him, creating a pattern of loops as he moves along - but this is probably because of the power imbalance in your relationship. If you were with the right kind of man for you, the diagram would be more like a double figure wending its way, sometimes one dot bigger and sometimes the other :)

If you'd prefer psychological typecasting to my barmy mental graphs (and who wouldn't), his attachment style is dismissive avoidant while yours is anxious preoccupied. I think you want a securely-attached partner to support you in developing your own security. The one you have can only make you more anxious.

Reading along your thread, it sounds very much as though he and his family are wired differently from most people. This doesn't really alter the attachment situation, though, as a dismissively attached mother is bound to create avoidant children. The main significance of alternate mental wiring would be that he could not change even if he wanted to. I think you've got ample evidence that he doesn't want to.

My advice? Shake his hand wave as he goes through boarding. Then seek out a more suitable partner for the rest of your own journey. You will be fine. But not with him.

my exdp made a comment to me that he intended to be 'more' selfish - and by God he was. You can't convince somebody to love you the way you love them. If he isn't motivated enough to care for your wishes then there is nothing you can do. In short you are flogging a dead horse and nothing you can do to enforce your version of a fantastic relationship on this man will change that.

Ah, xposted with your last!
i am aware that my DP is taking the piss here. I shuld have left when the 40 min commute was too much for him.
Well done

Yes I have read your previous posts about this relationship.

He acts as if he doesn't care. Is that because he doesn't?

You are going through turmoil over all this. I really wouldn't waste any more time on him any more. He has made it clear that his career/wants/wishes come first.

At least he let you know he is a selfish so you know what you are getting yourself into. Take it or leave it.

In short, you are not in a relationship with this man. He can take you or leave you literally. Please move on to a better relationship with someone who has the same relationship goals as you or you will waste your life on this guy. I know it's hard because the crumbs taste so nice but you deserve more.

He hasn't proposed to you and doesn't treat you like a woman he is totally in love with. Maybe he just doesn't see his future with you. Has he asked you to move with him?

I don't think he's necessarily wrong in his outlook: when it comes to careers, particularly, you have to do what makes you happy. If that means the possible ending of a relationship, you need to take that into account and make a decision together based on what's best.

I would not consider relocating with a partner unless a marriage was immiment/had happened. Relocating overseas would be a whole other ballgame.

It does sound like he always puts himself first to an unusual degree, but you also do sound a bit martyrish. Sorry that isn't meant to sound harsh, but you do have to see to your own wants and needs as well as your partner's!

The other things you have said are a bit concerning, about his family. If he has been brought up believing that this is how marriage works, then that's what he thinks, and it's probably a bit too late to change him now.