Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's comment in argument - don't know what to think.

133 replies

aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 09:34

In a heated discussion/light argument, DP said 'being selfish makes people happy and so that's what I'm going to do. This makes me happy so I'm going to be selfish and do it.'

Context was regarding work - DP wanting to take a job that would mean my life was also uprooted etc etc due to its location. The context isn't really important - I'm willing to support DP as much as possible regardless of jobs, and work as a team to have a life together, but this comment made me feel a bit sick. He claims now it was said in anger, but he didn't sound angry when he said it - it sounded very calm and assertive.

Should I be worried? My worries are increased by the fact that his single, divorced mum (who is very much a part of his life), has a belief system that DP should have a single life that does not involve me and should not be concerned about my needs (word for word what she said). And the longer I'm with DP, the more I am starting to see that her - in my opinion - odd relationship views are in many ways imprinted in DP's mind (though he would claim they are not).

Thoughts anyone?

Thanks.

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 27/04/2015 12:18

I just want someone who cares as much for my happiness as I do for theirs, and, more importantly, WANTS to do that, becaus eit is important to them. DP seems completely oblivious to all these kinds of things and just ploughs through his life. I'm bored of just fitting in.

To be honest, the way you discuss relationships sounds to me as if you may be co-dependent.

And that although you are now protesting that you don't like DPs attitude, he has been like this for 3 years basically. You are still in that relationship.

People generally do not stay long term in situations/relationships unless they are getting something out of it. "Getting something out of it" may be something very negative - eg. staying in an abusive relationship that mirrors an abusive parental relationship because it feels familiar. But it is a general truth that if a situation isn't working for someone, they will leave (barring issues like being held hostage or financial suppression).

I strongly suspect that for some reason this is a relationship dynamic that works for you - the controlling man that you sacrifice everything for on the altar of love. "I love him so much, he comes second to me, he is my everything."

If you are co-dependent, then it won't matter if you break up with him because you'll find a replacement one who is just the same unless you break your pattern.

CinnabarRed · 27/04/2015 12:49

You've written about him before, haven't you? The 40 minute commute rings huge bells. The job move is to Hong Kong, yes, after he absolutely promised you he wouldn't consider such a move?

If I'm right them you got loads of great advice on your previous thread - let him go to HK to get it out of his system (or not) but don't go with him (and don't let him pay your rent while away because there's nothing to stop him cancelling the direct debit if he changes his mind).

I know you really, really want to make this relationship work because you love him. But he is fundamentally a selfish person. And he will never, never put you or any children first. Given his family background, he maybe can't.

Duckdeamon · 27/04/2015 12:59

This man is really, really not a good bet for a happy shared future and family life, especially if you wish to be a SAHM.

You keep emphasising that you are not dependent on him for your happiness, but did initially state that 99% of your happiness comes from making him happy.

Agree with Pps who mention codependency.

Duckdeamon · 27/04/2015 13:03

You also imply that being a "good wife and mother" means putting your H's career above your own. Why? Can one not be a good wife and mother and work hard too? What about your P as a potential father/husband? He doesn't seem to be as concerned with what would make him good at that, his strategy seems to be do what he likes and expect you to support him.

NewTwenty · 27/04/2015 13:06

Sorry, but he just isn't the right man for you. Honestly.

You are in your late twenties, so plenty of time to find one who is.

Lweji · 27/04/2015 13:07

Having been divrocred twice, and lived alone for the last 17 years,

Surely it doesn't tally with late 20s. Or you mean his mother?

CPtart · 27/04/2015 13:07

Think long term.
Do you want children at some point in the future? If so, I would cut my losses now. Why choose a man to be the father of your children who in your own words "has no clue how to have a happy and healthy relationship with another person." Selfishness and being a good partner and particularly a good parent to do mix.

ineedabodytransplant · 27/04/2015 13:07

I'm assuming you meant your partners mother has been divorced twice and has lived alone for 17 years as your in your thirties.

Why do you think she is alone? Twice divorced? Selfishness perhaps.

Do you want to be a Stepford wife?

Anyone can have their own life, but compromises always have to be made. Unless you're selfish, then you will always come first. Even children will come behind what a selfish person wants.

I couldn't live like that. Whenever I've made a decision that turned out to be unknowingly selfish I have felt bad.

I could never live with a selfish person. I've let go of friends who are selfish because it's always them first and you just know that as soon as your lose your usefulness you're not important anymore.

ineedabodytransplant · 27/04/2015 13:08

x-post Lweji

Cabrinha · 27/04/2015 13:20

You've had lots of good and lengthy advice here.

I am AGHAST that you want to throw in a good job and be a SAHM with a man this selfish.

Are you actually thick? Shock

I suspect not.
So don't do it.

ineedabodytransplant · 27/04/2015 13:24

Agree Cabrinha,

Alice, you become a SAHM and the next thing will be you'll have no money, no life apart from letting him have everything the way HE wants. You will become a non-human, a non-person.

any children you have if you stay with this fool will suffer as well.

ravenmum · 27/04/2015 13:30

I'm a little like you - I want to be a nice person. When you make big sacrifices, that is a nice feeling because surely it proves without doubt that you're a nice person, right? The bigger the sacrifices the nicer you must be.

However, just because you are a nice person that does not mean other people will treat you nicely. And when you have the niggling doubt that you are being taken advantage of, and are unappreciated, the sacrifices you are making are no longer so satisfying.

Find someone who, if you do make sacrifices, will appreciate it. Find someone who will also make sacrifices for you.

I lived roughly the life described by ageingdisgracefully for many years, and didn't realise quite how unsatisfied I was until my "nice", never-hurt-a-fly husband ran me into the ground with the affair he felt entitled to. Now I'm pretty much pleased I'm not in that life, and am hoping to have a more rewarding relationship with someone who really likes me.

ravenmum · 27/04/2015 13:32

Oh, and he used my guilty feelings to get his own way exactly the same way your partner is manipulating you. Distance makes it clearer.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/04/2015 13:34

It depends. If this is a job he always dreamed of, I think I would understand. Especially. If this area is the only area he wanted for himself but always been unselfish in other things.

ravenmum · 27/04/2015 13:38

If this is a job he had always dreamed of and he was a loving partner, his argument would not be "I'm going to do it because it makes me happy and I'm selfish". His argument would be "I'm so sorry to force you into this decision. Please, please come as this job means so much to me. If you hate it over there, we can reconsider after a year. I don't want to lose you but I really want this job. I feel terrible about it."

suzannecanthecan · 27/04/2015 13:39

he nearly had it all worked out, he's a person who wants his own needs to take priority, and he found a woman who enjoys making her partner happy, what a perfect fit for his long term happiness.

If only he hadn't opened his big mouth like that....

SpringTown46 · 27/04/2015 13:39

It shouldn't be such hard work. Really.

Glad you are taking a step back to evaluate. Don't mess up your contraception.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/04/2015 13:41

Yy raven.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2015 13:48

But he can't make you move, can he. So, if he's saying he's already decided to take this job, then he is already taking the massive risk that you won't go with him and you'll split up. He has already decided that outcome would be ok and is the loss of you is less important to him than the loss of this job opportunity. There you go. That's how important you are not, to him.

Have I misunderstood the situation?

Original poster
aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 13:51

No, Lottie that is correct. He actually said he would go no matter what. And I cant go as im on a contract with work that doesnt finish until Xmas.

OP posts:
ineedabodytransplant · 27/04/2015 13:51

lottie, as he's so selfish I can only assume he thinks Alice will do his bidding. You know, when he says jump she'll ask 'how high?'

I doubt he even gave a thought to her saying no, or leaving him

paxtecum · 27/04/2015 13:52

Oh love, just dump him.
I spent 30+ years putting someone elses's happiness first.
What a mistake that was!

Example: we had one car. My journey to work was two busses or one bus and a 40 minute walk.
His journey to work was two busses or one bus and a 40 minute walk.
Guess who drove to work every day in the one car?
He finished work an hour before me, but wouldn't come and meet me at work because it was a waste of his time, but it would have saved me an hour.

I wouldn't have wasted all those years if MN had been around.

Original poster
aliceregintt · 27/04/2015 13:53

I think it's mor that he doesnt care if he loses me, rather than assuming i wont leave. his relationship is not top priority, and according to his mother dearest, it neevr should be.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/04/2015 13:54

Right, so you know that. So you're finishing with him, yes?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2015 13:54

Thing is, if it's dream job / an unmissable opportunity AND he wants to stay with you, he'd be trying to find ways to make it work for you in a desperate attempt to accommodate your needs and wishes and know he'd done this successfully, before accepting the job.

If he's really saying 'it suits me so I'm doing it, take the situation or leave it' the 'leave it' is the only possible answer because he's told you he doesn't really give a stuff whether you go with him or not.