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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 25/04/2015 21:38

Its as though, despite all his business success and ego-fuelled lifestyle choice, the strength and core of the relationship is you. He could trust you to support him unquestioningly and you expected the same of him. He has just failed that test spectacularly.

Your Mum will be doing her own catch up with all of this so don't be surprised if she slightly goes off on one!! My DCs tend to tell me things with a caveat... 'don't do anything'. I might rage for a while as I'm sure your Mum will be doing. Its better she knows the truth so she can support you fully.

Yes, he underestimated you. But as Just said, some remorse would have been good at this stage. He's not got you as back-up at the moment, to fill in the blanks. I agree, how he reacts now will tell you everything you need to know.

For now, be kind to yourself and rest when you can.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/04/2015 21:52

Thank you.

Jack - yes it's been playing on my mind too. However I also had those niggles and in hindsight he has been really horrible to me over the last few months. I think I might have been grateful for his being nice again.... But how long before I was wondering why he had been such a bastard. And also, if he doesn't address his own failures then he likely will just repeat the damaging behaviour, and one way or another I would have found out.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/04/2015 21:55

And never - I'm sure he feels he can't show me any remorse. He tried to send me a nice message a few days ago and got a torrent of barbs back.

Actions speak louder than words. If he is truly remorseful he will move out of the house.

No response to my email yet.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 25/04/2015 22:07

Ah, its big boys' games now and he will have to grow up pronto.

Remember that he hadn't prepared for this outcome so it may take him some time to respond. When he made all the decisions about the affair, he gave himself brownie points for ending it and coming back home.

Now that this scenario has bombed, he doesn't have answers, only clichés. In his mind, he's done all the right things and you should appreciate that.

He's in no-man's land now. His film-script story has lost its last page. A new character has entered the fray - his DW. Take as much time as you need to work out where you go next. Its not up to him anymore.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/04/2015 22:23

Yes - very true never.

I have no idea what his response will be:
A) Yes he will move out (tick - dd and I move home and I start figuring out what I want)
B) No he won't move out (I contact WOO and start planning out properly plan b, move by move, card by card)
C) Can we sit down and discuss this rationally, like adults, and compromise? (like fuck we can. I need space to figure out what we want. A or B which is it to be?)

Btw I am sitting in my room and about to go to bed and all I can hear is little snorey snuffley noises from next door Grin I am sure I will be joined in bed sometime tonight Grin Grin

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 25/04/2015 22:39

Hang on to A and B. Essential.

Enjoy these times when your DD can slip into your bed for a cuddle. They grow up very quickly and you will treasure these moments. Despite what is happening in the background, she just wants you and doesn't see all the other stuff. Its like a little island of normality.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/04/2015 22:47

She is growing up so quickly already.

I always wanted 2 or more. If I don't have any more children with him I don't know I will ever forgive him. I don't know if I can ever trust him enough to support me through treatment, a shit pregnancy and the early years of another child. In which case our relationship will be dead.

At nearly 38 I am too old to get over this, meet someone, learn to trust them, and get pregnant. So dd might me it for me. And with her I am truly blessed.

And this too I have to come to terms with. The bastard.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/04/2015 22:53

I take it you've not heard anything from his sister either ... ?? I believe you half expected a call from her over the weekend, but whether she contacts you or not, have a nice peaceful night if you possibly can

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 25/04/2015 23:00

No - nothing. She may not have been told. And yes I'm expecting any contact from the family to be from her. She might see my car in the driveway too - she works nearby and does sometimes come by this way.

OP posts:
doubleshotespresso · 26/04/2015 01:01

OP- just returned to this thread and just wanted to say you have bowled me over eith your strength and composure.... I really hope you get some clarity soon, enjoy your snuggle time tonight!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 07:39

I have lasted one week since the exact time that I first confronted him.

Still no response from my email.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 26/04/2015 07:51

This is his turn to be blindsided. New territory for him. No DW to bounce ideas off.

He's laid bare and will have to dig deep to respond. Quite a turn around from someone who was living a lie. Although he thinks he's already decided, he's probably realising he's back to square one and very much on his own. Time for him to grow a pair.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 07:58

I'm surprised you haven't heard from his family

He will probably say that he has nowhere to go

MsPavlichenko · 26/04/2015 08:16

Try not to respond, if he doesn't reply. He may still be expecting you to do the pick me dance, and figure no response will force your hand/worry you.

And whatever he says/doesn't say, take your own time, even if you are furious, or even pleased. You've spent months now, worrying about him, why he was being so horrible etc. Take some time away from it, and try and clear your head even for a short while. Hope you can enjoy your day.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 08:30

You guys are so spot on - always.

I don't think his family know how to respond actually. They won't know how to reach out or what to say to us. His sister may not have been told - is being "protected".

And bollocks has he got nowhere to go. A cheap hotel, he could easily get a room in a house share. Professionally he knows people who could help (and who have helped house us temporarily in the past). If he says this then it just shows he hasn't tried hard enough.

Yes - he doesn't have me to bounce ideas off. And because he hasn't told anyone else and is too afraid to face his parents he is on his own with this one. And from the wording he probably senses I am several steps ahead. If he really thought about it I think he might suspect I have spoken to a lawyer (he knows I have several trusted and loyal friends who I go way back with who are lawyers/barristers) and could be planning my moves carefully.

And unless he reaches out to people who he has met through work, his old circle of friends have very different social connections and specialisms as mine do. Just saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 08:35

I'm not returning to the house until he is out. Nursery and normal routine is not as important as getting my own space from him in the house. Dd is delighted to be here with my parents and will happily stay if we have to.

I just keep thinking I will phone WOO if things start getting tricky.

And yes you are right about not responding straight away. I've sent the email to his work address and (although this would be unusual) he may not check it until tomorrow morning. So no following up.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 10:20

I think he might suspect I have spoken to a lawyer

I'm absolutely certain he will ... even he can't be so stupid as to think otherwise, given how you've handled the rest of it

About him replying or not, surely the main thing is that you've told him to leave and not to contact you unnecessarily; if you hear nothing, he's either trying to follow your request to the letter - or playing mind games

Frankly I'd expect at least a quick text to say he's out and the place is yours, but absolutely don't contact him unless it's really essential

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 10:22

Oh, and call me dense - but what's "WOO" ??

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 11:02

Thanks puzzled, and yes you are right I need to stay strong.

WOO = wise old owl. The ex family lawyer who is a family friend, who dh doesn't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 17:34

Bingo. I have a response. Main para is:

"I will have a look into how best I can move out, I'm sure you can understand this will take a bit of coordination and planning. On the timeframes you are talking about this is clearly going to be a significant commitment and won't just be booking a hotel for a few weeks or staying on a friend's sofa."

So does this mean he is playing for a bit more time?

He hasn't told his sister, hence no response.

Have felt flat today despite having dd here, taking dog for a long walk and cooking Sunday roast. Apparently it IS possible to cook both roast potatoes and roast parsnips in the same dish and they come out delicious. And also not to poison everyone by doing so.

Dd is doing her very normal thing of attaching herself to mum and ignoring me. Which in itself is a relief because it means she is secure in her love for me, but I also have to deal with tiniest feeling of rejection and stay bright and breezy for her.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 17:39

i suppose his comments are fair and being able to find the kind of accommodation that is not long term but not permanent won't happen overnight but what is stopping him sofa surfing in the meantime or going to his parents?

MsPavlichenko · 26/04/2015 17:44

Yes, he is playing for time, and trying to reel you in to further communication. He can move out in a day if he needs to, short term, and then arrange something longer term. if he had left you, I expect he'd have managed to go very quickly indeed.

Anyhow, not your problem, and don't get involved. Either give him or ask him a date to be out. How do you know he hasn't told his sister. Because if he is talking about these things he is already disregarding your wishes re minimum contact, and trying again to draw you in.

MsPavlichenko · 26/04/2015 17:45

Yes, he is playing for time, and trying to reel you in to further communication. He can move out in a day if he needs to, short term, and then arrange something longer term. if he had left you, I expect he'd have managed to go very quickly indeed.

Anyhow, not your problem, and don't get involved. Either give him or ask him a date to be out. How do you know he hasn't told his sister. Because if he is talking about these things he is already disregarding your wishes re minimum contact, and trying again to draw you in.

MsPavlichenko · 26/04/2015 17:48

No idea why that posted twice !

Justusemyname · 26/04/2015 17:57

I read it is as he knows it is over so where he stays is not short term.

Just add it to the list of things he won't comply with.