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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Snoozybird · 26/04/2015 18:02

Exactly, why can't he "coordinate and plan" from a hotel/friend's place?

He needs to show his commitment to you through actions, not words, otherwise it would be as meaningless as him offering to make you your dinner by describing the meal to you!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:03

Yes. He's not exactly just going easily. He could pack enough clothes I've the next couple of days, find a sofa or a cheap hotel and then find a slightly longer term solution.

I think he's very nervous about me seeing his sister while I am here. She could see my car, or I could bump into her around and about (it's not a very big place and there is only one half decent pub for eating out that we could easily both be at).

But I won't be drawn in.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 18:08

So does this mean he is playing for a bit more time?

Personally I read it as hoping that you'd appreciate how difficult it is for him to move and perhaps change your mind. There's also the possibility he's hoping you won't want an extended stay away from home for DD, and that you'll move back in with him so she can return to nursery quickly

As Mrs P said, there's nothing to stop him staying elsewhere until he sorts out something more suitable - he doesn't have to be in the house for that. Definitely send him an actual date - in a very short message - and see if he'll honour your wishes

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:09

Snoozy yes - very good analogy. Well he knows I want to come back on Wednesday evening for dd's nursery so anything longer than that and he is no longer putting her interests first.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 26/04/2015 18:10

I can't believe we've almost missed this. Of course you will take him back after cheating on you and your DC because it is so hard to find lodgings you've both suffered equally so can get back to the state you were beforeHmmAngry.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 18:16

Well he knows I want to come back on Wednesday evening for dd's nursery so anything longer than that and he is no longer putting her interests first

Or yours, for that matter Hmm

I confess I'd missed the exact day you'd planned to return, but at least you now have a timescale to give him. If he refuses, then that's one of our main questions answered, I guess ...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 18:18

Your questions, not our ... though come to think of it, there are a lot of us on here who are also interested in seeing what he'll do

MsPavlichenko · 26/04/2015 18:22

He has not been putting her interests first for at least as long as he was having the affair. This is not new.

If you are good friends with his DS, I wouldn't worry. If you do bump into her simply give her a brief synopsis of what has happened. Your relationship with her is really nothing to do with him.

It would be better if he told her, and others, but he is probably still hoping to minimise what he has done. You are entitled to tell who you want, exactly what you want. If you are to have any chance of reconciliation it has to be from a position of total honesty, and his accepting responsibility.

Again, try to not allow him too much headspace in terms of what he is doing/saying/who to etc. Focus on what he is doing in terms of what you have asked of him, as a minimum.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 18:33

He was betting on this all blowing over

FantasticButtocks · 26/04/2015 18:33

I would say to him:

'If, like me, you are thinking it is now time to put the stability and welfare of our daughter before your own needs and difficulties, then you will understand and have left our home by Wednesday. Please let me know when you have gone elsewhere.'

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:36

Just. Yes, exactly. He has now suffered so I can come home and we can agree that we have both suffered and put it all behind us. And can carry on where we left off.

He is phoning at 7 to speak to dd. he can't say anything in front of her because I have said we cannot talk about it in front of her.

Once she is in bed I will send him a response saying something along the lines of "you know I want to come back on Wednesday in time for dd's nursery on Thursday and so I expect you to be able to sort out your accommodation problems by then."

Of course, he also said he is missing dd and can't wait to see her. I will stay here until he has moved out so if it takes him 2 weeks then he doesn't see dd during that time.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/04/2015 18:37

'You've been coordinating and planning a secret love affair for the last six months. Please don't tell me a bit of coordinating and planning now is beyond you.'

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:37

John I LOVE that response.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 18:39

" how best to move out" I would suggest he puts clothes into a suitcase and walks out the Door, simple really

He can book into a hotel for a week, gives him lots of time to plan

He has no intention of going anywhere

Justusemyname · 26/04/2015 18:40

Use it!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:40

It's not as if his clothes are particularly hard to spot either. I haven't even moved them. Or his toiletries. He can take the laptop and the camera too as far as I am concerned. I don't think there is much else, unless it's the expensive piece of artwork which he bought without consulting me.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 18:43

Of course, he also said he is missing dd and can't wait to see her

Yes, I'm sure he has - more manipulation, but using DD this time

I'm actually getting quite worried about the arrogance he's showing; you asked him to move out and at such a time he should be doing everything he can to toe the line you've drawn. I guess that after all he's done, he'll choose either to respect you or not ...

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 18:45

His response should have been, yes of course, I will arrange it tomorrow

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/04/2015 18:46

Precisely, Christina Hmm

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:47

I have to agree. And this was why I wanted to use this as the first test.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 18:50

I think the fact that he doesn't appear to have spoken to his family indicates that he thought this was all going to blow over

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 26/04/2015 18:52

And I've got that horrid feeling back. That things have gone very badly wrong. And that all my plans and hopes for any kind of amicable resolution are drifting off. Hmm Hmm

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 26/04/2015 18:53

He isn't doing as you asked because he doesn't want to save the marriage.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/04/2015 18:55

Did he say," I'm sorry I have put us here, I love you and I will do anything to fix this" in his reply?

winkywinkola · 26/04/2015 18:57

Tomato, it's very early days. Hold your nerve. He is probably shitting himself that he's really lost you and so is not doing much that will confirm that i.e. preparing to move out.

Keep steely. Keep calm. Do not let him panic you or make you doubt what he has to do to make progress.

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