Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Yes we certainly are here for you, Tomato - and we're not going anywhere as long as you need us

We are about to head off to the train station. I feel sick with nerves.

We're thinking of you and wishing you strength.

Good luck

And yes the two ( slightly warmed) chocolate croissants, served to sir in bed, did indeed help

I have her!! I think dh wanted to talk but dad was there too. Ha.

Well done OP.

What have you got planned for the rest of the day?

So very pleased she's safely there with you ... hope you have a wonderful day ahead. Oh, and sod him wanting to talk, the time for that will be later, if and only if you choose

Do you feel this is now the time to send your email?

What a huge relief! She is here and has been her gorgeous funny smiley self. She's had something to eat and is now playing with granny while I take a moment.

Dh was fine at handover. I think he was thrown by dad being there. I suspect he is in complete denial still and thinks this can be all worked through amicably. I'm going to send the email a bit later so it's not obvious I have been waiting to get her and then pressed send straight away.

I now need to get her room ready and unpack her little suitcase, and then I think we are up the road to look at some lambs and chickens. The weather isn't so good this weekend but we're going to visit a little petting farm in a couple of days to feed the lambs, stroke some donkeys etc (dd is besotted with animals).

Words - you were talking about parents. Mine have been amazing. Dad is intellectually clever (you want to be on his team for trivial pursuit) but mum is the emotionally intelligent one. Having them on tap is brilliant.

So one of the things I have learned this week is exactly how strong my support network is when needed. I wish I could clone it for everyone else who needs it

And finally, dh always used to think his family was the close one - they talk much regularly and for longer than my family do. But I've always known mine would always be there regardless. He clearly doesn't actually have the same faith in his parents that I do.

Tomato
I followed your thread from the start.
I did not write because I did not know what to write.
I read/listen to you- I understand your anger and deep pain and fights-
I do identify with your maternal instincts and worries.
I just feel that you are intellectually and emotionally far above me and I have nothing to add. You are a wonderful person and you have a strong team: you, your parents and your dd. He must have been grateful to you for allowing him to be part of this team. He betrayed you. I hope his fture behavior will atone his betrayal, speed up your healing process and help you see clear through it all. Whatever you do/you choose I am behind you and I trust it is in the best interests of your dd and of all involved. I will continue to follow you. I will continue to read you and admire you. I will break here and there my silence. It looks as you are having a nice week-end. I love the 'campagne'. I hope your multiple contradictory thoughts will give you some peace and your heart will be tuned more to the love of your DD and parents than to the pain his behavior inflicted on you. Have a nice week end! Hugs!

I have a cous cous recipe I do for my kids if you'd like me to type it out, tomato. I also have a couple of AK books and two other children's recipe books if you have a particular recipe you want. I've made a lot of AK food in my time and as long as you ignore her amounts they usually go down well.

So one of the things I have learned this week is exactly how strong my support network is when needed. I wish I could clone it for everyone else who needs it

Thanks, Tomato - I was about to say that, if you ever get tired of your parents, please can I have them??!!!

Once again you're very wise to email him a little later today; he'll probably still work out why you waited, but that's really not your problem

And you know what? Crap though all this is, with your own wisdom and your (much deserved) excellent support, I just KNOW you're going to get through this absolutely fine

Well done tomato, another step forward

Gosh Tomato. These shocking first few days have seen you really sort yourself out. I'm dead impressed. I bet your h is rather taken aback too.

I hope you can sort this mess out to the end that you want.

I'm so glad you have your baby with you.

Good luck for the next stage of wanting space

Just - thank you so much! Mum and I between us have done a little meal plan for the next few days. This evening was that old classic of chicken nuggets, carrots, and couscous. Which went down well. Unfortunately one of her things is that she doesn't like mixing things, so I can't add veg and other goodies to couscous, or do risotto. But yes I might get an AK book to go back home with.

I haven't sent my email yet but I need to now that dd has gone to bed.

Puzzled - I don't think I will ever be ready to give my parents away. Although they have their many faults.

I have started to do more thinking about dh this afternoon - now that I have dd here I'm not fretting about her actually coming. I'm starting to wonder how I'll ever find it in myself to forgive him, and I think the real damage was not the affair - hideous as that was to discover - but the way that he treated me so callously whilst it was going on.

And actually the demonstration of arrogance, pride, greed, and dishonesty which have emerged over the last week. It's the ugly side of him that I don't think I have either recognised or acknowledged.

I'm not by any means perfect but I learned a long long long time ago that if I couldn't treat people with kindness then it's not actually a nice way to be. I've lived my life that way. And I've pretty much always been treated with kindness and respect back, which I think is why I've found it so difficult to deal with all of the barbs that have been flung my way in recent months.

So somehow I have to start becoming more assertive. Which actually starts with this email .......

I think the real damage was not the affair - hideous as that was to discover - but the way that he treated me so callously whilst it was going on

Yet again your understanding is spot on. Yes, the grubby details are appalling, but somehow - at least in my experience - it's the fact they considered themselves entitled to do it which hurts so much, together with the utter disregard it shows

Yes we all make mistakes, but at the same time we at least try to treat others decently; therefore it comes as even more of a shock when others don't, especially when it's those who are supposed to love us

Puzzled yes. Spot on. I've just been discussing how the thing which I don't know I'll ever forgive is the character flaws which have emerged.

Anyway. Email sent.

I've just been discussing how the thing which I don't know I'll ever forgive is the character flaws which have emerged

Yes, and with mine the thing which got me is that he could have chosen to stop at any time but just carried on. As I said we all foul up sometimes, but to maintain such a hideous deception for so long takes a particular type of personality which I could no longer go on with

Anyway, waiting with bated breath for your OH's response ... if it's any consolation he's probably feeling even worse than you do right now

I think its an interesting dynamic for you at this stage. I can't help but feel that he will be doing everything in his power to minimise this. Put it in a box that very few people know about and get back 'to normal'. After all, in his eyes, he chose you... only you didn't know that. He's had all this time to live out his fantasy, turn his back on it ("oh woe is me counsellor") then fit in a quick fix before resuming the life everyone thought he was living.

In the meantime, Tomato keeps giving to the relationship, caring for his DD, caring for him - perhaps taking a few well-placed blows due to his guilt build-up.

You weren't meant to find out, he'd actually managed to keep his tawdry secret and you were meant to be grateful to him for being with you.

Your heads are in completely different places and now that you know, his game-plan has been shot to pieces. All that he had taken for granted - gone in seconds. And this is the point where you begin your journey. You can take as long as you want, do what you want and let him deal with his own crap. He thought he was smarter than everyone else but he will soon learn that if he was smart, he would never have cheated.

If he had told you, expressed remorse and offered to move out while you decided what you wanted to do, then you may have thought there was a chance. Like I say to my kids, it isn't what you have done that makes me mad, it is the lying about it.

You will really get to know what he is about now. How he reacts in the next few weeks/ months will be very telling, if he lets you down at all, you will just close off to him and it will make going back impossible...you may still love him but you won't like or respect him and there is no coming back from that

Never and Just. You are both spot on.

He just underestimated me.

I've been filling my mum in on some of the stuff I was going through testing wise (probes, failed lap+dye, laparoscopy under general anaesthetic and the rest) because of failure to conceive the whole time that this affair was going on.

Her opinion of him is hardening.

Christina - yes - this is a series of tests of his character. Either he was temporarily insane (as it were) and he has come to his senses, is horrified by what he has done and will turn it around. Or actually this is his "true" character that I haven't really seen or acknowledged before.

If it's the former I think we have hope. If the latter then all is lost for us as a couple.

If dd and I end up in a cozy little garden flat where we currently live or a cottage near my parents with her in the right school I think I can find happiness. I have a strong family and good friends, and I can find again a nice job. That is my goal of plan b.

I am thinking about how it would have been if you hadn't found out. You'd have carried on your counselling thinking that you were as much responsible for the problems as him, and striving to be a better wife for him. You'd have gone on your reconnecting holiday and had reconnecting sex, feeling grateful that things were getting better between you. And in all the years ahead he'd have had this thought in the back of his mind, how lucky you are and how grateful you should be that he chose you when he had another option.

His level of arrogance is unbelievable... A fecking holiday to reconnect!!!!!

How about keeping your dick in your pants....makes it a hell of a lot easier to connect with your wife

I am getting angry again

Fud