Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

I'm sorry to hear it's been cancelled OP.

But you could definitely use the letter as a starting point for discussion.

I still don't think you should give it to him in advance, first because it will have more impact face to face, secondly because you can guage his immediate reaction, thirdly it doesn't give him time to prepare a script of what you want to hear.

I'm also sorry to hear he's dismissive of female friends. What kind of things does he say?

I think I might talk to him first and then send him the letter. I don't know that I want to hear his considered response - I want his gut reaction.

He has been saying things like "it's clear who wears the trousers in that relationship" when I told him my Irish friend had given her dc2 an Irish name (like dc1) - she has an English dh. He has been very rude about households where children's art is on display - ours has to be tastefully framed - and the comment is "how can the husband allow the wife to do that". He said he would mow the lawn yesterday because I "would make a mess of it". It's a fucking lawn I just don't know how to work his poncy lawnmower.

It is literally only in the last couple of days that I have realised so I don't have any more specific examples.

He's not trying very hard is he?

Perhaps it's just the way he is.

It sounds like you've gone right off him now your eyes have been opened. He sounds totally up himself.

He certainly does need taking down a peg or two. It doesn't help that everyone thinks he is Mr wonderful. Professionally he is going from strength to strength.

I want to make sure that when I talk to him the points really hit home. I think I'm just going to have to give it to him from the heart and see where we end up. And then follow up with the letter I think.

Do you think that it's your job to take him down that peg or two?

It's dissappointing that the session has been cancelled, it's seems that the more you step back the more you dislike him as a person

Or that he can indeed be taken down a peg or two?

One would think that breaking his wife's heart and tearing his family apart would have been enough...apparently not

Nobody else will.

It's my best shot at making the marriage work. I'm not staying with him unless he changes. I have to lay out what is and isn't acceptable. Either he listens and takes it on board and works to make the changes or he doesn't.

I'm not expecting miracles but the likelihood I think is that he won't change. But I have to do my best otherwise I will always wonder.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting out of the meeting otherwise. I think I need to say my piece to him though which I haven't done since the weekend I found out.

Yes, it's time you got it all out. His reaction will be interesting, are you nervous?

X-posts

Yes the more I step back the more I seem to be seeing. I despise him right now. I don't know if my judgement is clouded right now though or if he's always been like this and I have just been thoroughly blind.

I'm really disappointed the session is cancelled. I was hoping the counsellor would help with her bullseye questions that seem to get to the heart of the issue.

Really nervous.

Can she re arrange for another evening this week?

I know, it's getting it all out, trying tomgetbthem to understand There is so much riding on this and there is probably a part of you worried about what happens if he lets you down with it

On the good news front, the less effort I put in the more dd likes her food. So very plain and very easy wins the day thankfully. My child will be the one brought up on sausages, fish fingers and pesto pasta.

I'd think carefully about talking without the safety net of the Counsellor. Even with the best of intentions, and a neutral environment (not your house or his) it will be difficult. If you could reschedule, it would almost certainly be better.

Unfortunately she can't - the next session is 2 weeks ago and I can't wait that long.

You've hit the nail on the head. I feel like if I say it in a way that gets through to him then we have a chance.

In a way even if it takes him several months for it to click in I can be patient but I need to start the dialogue.

We're going out so at least I can just go home if it gets too much.

Btw Christina how was your sons scouting? Did he have a fab time? Xx

I'm worried that you're trying to Fix him or Punish him or Convince him rather than think about the best way of being happy and in a healthy relationship.

He had an amazing time! Sorry I haven't been on, we had a bereavement in the family so things have been a bit hectic x

Food for DD sounds about right. Goes with presents too. Less effort in, greatest response. Scalextric for Christmas means day spent rolling cheap toy car through empty toilet roll !

I think it's very telling that you feel the need of a third person to be present whilst you deal with everything. This would seem to indicate that you have become used to having your thoughts, opinions tossed aside, and not listened to. That you feel it will be difficult to "talk from the heart" is also worrying, when you are the one who has been treated appallingly. He really has done a number on you throughout your marriage hasn't he? You are worth so much more.

Vivacia - what else should I do? For us to start moving forward I have to start talking to him and I have to tell him how I feel.

Eliana - maybe. I'm not sure. I think I know his default will be to argue back and convince me I am wrong. My feelings and interpretation of the situation are valid and I need to express them.

Christina - I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope your family are pulling together and there for each other xx

Get it all out there and then leave the ball in his court. Tell him this time is about him listening, it's not for giving answers or arguing, he has to listen and then go and think about everything you have said

Is he still saying that he wants to make it work?

Ok - I can work with that I think.

Yes he does still want to make it work.