Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

I don't want to crush any dreams or hopes, but I think it's important to remember, Tomato, that any welling up or sadness he feels is totally inevitable and could easily be all about HIM. The threads here are littered with unfaithful husbands who sobbed relentlessly when their affairs were discovered. It is often because they've been discovered. They are crying for the blind faith, trust, and easy on the side love they had before, the perfect family life, the faithful wife - all the things you want him to appreciate, sure. But please don't automatically assume any sadness is a humbling or even generous realisation - he has potentially lost a lot. He will and should be upset.

But that doesn't necessarily have any correlation with his understanding and efforts towards YOU and empathy towards what YOU are feeling and what he has done to YOU. That should come quickly and fiercely. A narcissist who is deeply sorry for what HE has lost and feels ashamed of what HE has done to his life and his vision of HIMSELF is still a narcissist.
This comes from personal experience of men I've known whose egos take such a battering from affairs being discovered that they soon become more prone to reaching out to OWomen, to gain back their view of themselves as heroic and attractive and worthy of love. The quicker the power dynamic shifts (as you have brilliantly done) the more it will become clear. He has gone from someone who feels he has many options and no judgement, to someone who has no options and a lot of loss/judgement. It should not be about what he wants and decides, but you. He needs to realise this deep down, not in a 'if I input this behaviour I will get this response that I want', testing, manipulative way. As you, I think, have wisely done already.

Wee
Good Morning
You are right - I just inferred from what she said that she wants to fight to rebuild her marriage. Of course my interpretation/inference is based on my personal experience and I might have got it wrong.
BTW I think that John is more attractive than Alan but hey it is well know that wine is the strongest 'beautifier'.
Tomato you and you only can decide what it is best for you. Each of us has her own experience- different husbands different circumstances. Our interpretation and advices are based on these experiences. They are valid but when we project them on you they are just biased. I do trust however your intelligence and I know you will extract from them what will work in the best interests of your daughter and yourself.
Have a nice day!

Hello everyone. Thank you for checking in. I saw the counsellor last night. She thought that writing the letter was a very good way for me to help make sense of everything but has encouraged me to speak next week from the heart, not reading the letter.

She has also said that I need to show him exactly how angry I am - and just give it to him straight.

At the end of the session she asked whether anything good had come out of this, and I said that I seemed to have found my self esteem again and my backbone.

I hopefully will have another ok day today - play date and activity for dd. I was also tentatively approached about a job yesterday and whilst I don't know yet if I'm quite ready to tackle job hunting full on I should start thinking about it. This role is in my "niche" so definitely worth exploring.

You're sounding very positive this morning tomato.

All good Tomato :), moving forward on your own terms is positive.

Great news about the job opportunity too. Really great news.

Tomato
She sounds OK your counselor- I think.
And you are taking everything at your own stride - and quite sure confident and not that tiny strides fort that matter. Great idea about the job hunting: just testing the waters to start with.
Have a nice day! (Hey I have not seen anything planned for you just for you today. I hope you are going to have a nice and lazy if not leisurely day! Good Luck!

Friend cancelled on me (very legitimately) but we had our activity this morning. This afternoon dd and I are going to do a bit of baking and hanging out at home.

The job is 9-6 and very inflexible with finishing earlier so I have said no (I have to be able to leave at 5 for nursery pickup and I actually don't want to work somewhere with a very inflexible approach to presence in the office).

Have been feeling a bit flat again today. I guess it goes with the territory and I just have to ride it

Their loss! No doubt about that. There are too many able, experienced women who could contribute a huge amount to the workplace if only employers were more flexible. You need flexibility going forward and I am sure there will be some smart employers out there who will be able to offer you that. (rant over - often so shortsighted to not allow a more mature approach to a job these days.)

I like that your day is calm and even although it didn't turn out the way you'd planned, you were still able to get out and about.

I used to do a lot of baking with my DD (BH - before hormones...) and we made a recipe/scrap book with photos of everything she'd made. It was good fun and it can be used to talk to friends/relatives about and reinforces the bonding time with her.

Yes, ride out the flat bits, you'll soon see those as the good bits. Sometimes 'dull' is good even although you don't feel it at the time.

I agree - they are cutting off a massive bank of potential candidates because of lack of flexibility. Their loss.

We have just made some ginger biscuits (and a gingerbread man in honour of the story we went to this morning). I have a mucky scruffy child who is about to overload on sugar

I love the scrapbook idea. I might borrow it.

I have to add that when I say scrapbook... I do mean more 'Blue Peter' thank 'Mary Berry'. Anything cobbled together works, indeed the less perfect, the better.

Enjoy your day and your sugar-fuelled DD!

8* than

I said that I seemed to have found my self esteem again and my backbone

Some of us get the distinct impression that you never completely lost it

Interesting to hear the counsellor's take on "the letter" ... just as long as you can get the main points across, that seems to be the main thing. How he chooses to react will tell you a lot, of course; I'll try to stay up to date though I'll be in the USA by then!!

Yes, ride out the flat bits, you'll soon see those as the good bits. Sometimes 'dull' is good even although you don't feel it at the time.
So true!!!
Puzzled also expressed my feeling.
Sorry for the inflexibility of the job. To be a mum is a wonderful experience to bring to work. Moreover had they allowed you to be mum and to work at the same time, you would have been grateful to them and that would automatically increase your reliability and your productivity. Their loss as you said! But hang on; you just started considering going back to work. There are nice employers out there who will appreciate you to your full value.
I wish some males would apply more flexibility in their jobs (especially regarding time and confinement to the office), and more inflexibility in their 'monogamous' commitments. I am bad at keeping time- I am often a bit late to all kind of appointments (as long as this does not disturb the people I am meeting.) It drives my H mad but I am the most reliable and trustful person regarding friendships and relationships.

Tomato do you have the feeling that their affair pushes us out of our comfort zone and we somehow grow to become a better Me?
Good night love!
PS: I just helped my kids with some geo projects- cut cardboards, glues, prepared play dough etc - now time to prepare them for their test in Maths tomorrow and to prepare dinner! Great Fun. Big mess as well: there were so many boys around at home today!

Hi tomato, sorry the job didn't quite work out, but great that you were approached. People are still thinking of you, so something will turn up.

Glad the counselling session went well. I had my doubts about reading the letter, but deferred to wiser brains.

You have (very sensibly) cut yourself off from him in recent weeks, but you can't really move on from where you are now (with him in the picture) without opening up communication again.

Doing that by delivering opening up to him about your feelings will be hard.

I'm sure you'll write a great letter and deliver it well. It will take a lot of guts to do that, so best of luck with it. And do as many drafts as you need. :)

If you feel that you need to read the letter rather than ad lib, then that's what you do, you know you best, not the counsellor. I know if it was me, I would not be able to get across what I wanted to say by ad libbing in that situation, so go with what YOU think best.

Perhaps ordered bullet points rather than a scripted letter.

Letter could include everything you want but be interpreted by him differently in his reading and its harder to convey hurt. Letter would include lesser points and you might get stuck with him focussing on those. You don't have unlimited time in a session.

You could always take the letter with you, then say what you want to say, then give him the letter at the end.

Thank you for the suggestions - yes I might do a bit of a combination - so take some bullet points with me and perhaps follow up with the letter afterwards. I've been feeling the anger dissipate over the last few days - I will need to summon it up again on Tuesday. I've been reflecting quite a lot on how selfish he is with his own anger - he has been so angry since the affair had started and then discovered. It's made me see him in a completely new light - like an overgrown toddler rather than a grown man in control of his own emotions.

He's also been pretty petulant around my mum in recent months and then more recently when she last came to stay. I have told him that since discovering the affair my parents have been utter rocks and we have a huge amount to be grateful to them for and he has to start behaving nicely toward my mum.

It's utterly ridiculous having to tell him how to behave. I just feel like I'm seeing him in a totally different light and it's not a particularly flattering one.

Am starting to feel a bit more balanced and less prone to tears. Mum is arriving in a couple of hours for a few days again, including a fun day out with dd which we are doing on Friday. And fortunately dd (touch wood) seems to be on good form at the moment and her diet of basic food, without dh sabotaging her diet with croissants and white bread-y type foods, suiting her.

Hope everyone is good - and v jealous, puzzled, of your U.S. trip!

tomato - I just feel like I'm seeing him in a totally different light and it's not a particularly flattering one

We see any situation through the prism that is ourselves. Your prism has had a major re-calibration in the last month. I am sure you will bear this in mind when dealing with your DH.

Happy to read Am starting to feel a bit more balanced and less prone to tears. Mum is arriving in a couple of hours for a few days again. Good progress I would say.
I think that it is nice of him that he improved his behavior toward you mum following your remarks. That does not show that he is weak- just that he is not that good at social clues (like most males I would say- some will slain me for saying this!) but is willing to accept feedback (unlike many males!) Overall: extra points to him (unless I did not read you correctly.)
Tomato: They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder- and it might be the same about strength (is this the prism DR M is hinting at?) . I have noticed something slightly similar after DD. I thought he was psychologically and emotionally stronger and with higher iron principles- because his behavior at work with family members and friends and even strangers has just shown that. But when he was confronted with opportunity and kind of loneliness his higher iron principles melted and his psyche proved to be weak and vulnerable. I thought he was a rock. But now I know I am my rock (better- isn't it?) and I accept more easily my imperfection (as a joke I say: I am perfectly imperfect and he is imperfectly perfect.) Believe me his weakness has its advantages: he became even more compassionate, he is more forgiving, in my daughters' eyes he is more 'human' (less of a Big Genius Dad). Just read the Bible and you will see aplenty of Biblical figures who are extremely strong on many levels and yet they sin and do not resist the sin of the flesh- but that just make them humbler and closer to us normal mortals with our myriad little defaults. (And in evolutionary terms we are still built like the people in the biblical times.) I hope the mood improvements will continue! Big Hugs!

I think that it is nice of him that he improved his behavior toward you mum following your remarks.

I think its absolutely disgraceful that he had to be told and any niceness he's displayed since its was suggested to him is false.

The man is a hypocrite.

He has seen mum for the first time since I told him he has to be nice. It was all very civil but very brief. Mum and I went out for a very lovely meal and glass of wine whilst he was putting dd to bed and babysitting.

I currently feel utterly cold toward him. I don't trust a word he says or any actions that he takes.

I have felt like this about people in the past and have cut them out of my life, without looking back. For dd's sake I can't just do it this time around with him.

Tomato, you can do it for yourself whilst maintaining a relationship that is only about your daughters needs to see her dad etc.

It sounds as though you are reaching a different stage of feelings. Work your way through them by taking them on board but not taking any major action until you are further down the line.

Feeling cold towards him is a natural reaction. You've had time to process the shock, now you are feeling as you would if there had been a longer build up to a split. It will probably help you to step back from the raw emotions and face him in a more controlled way.

His previous behaviour towards your DM is inexcusable. I wonder if he thought she could see through him?? so he was setting her up as being a difficult person?

I find that with age (unfortunately ) I can pretty quickly see what is happening in some situations. Instinct, experience and a bit of scepticism often means I have a feel for how people are behaving. I think your Mum will have been putting two and two together and will be several steps ahead of him. If your DH had to be told to behave better towards her, he's got more than one female in your family to win over!