Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Thank you both. I have woken up this morning and my first thought was "I don't love him any more". I don't want to act on it yet and I don't know if it's a feeling that I can share with him (whereas the anger and the sadness and the flat/empty feelings I can all share). I'm actually hoping that this is just another phase because if it's not there is no hope for us and I'd rather put all my energies into creating a new life for dd and me.

He has only behaved badly toward my mum since this affair came to light. But yes there is a lot of reconciliation he needs to do in that quarter. Never, you are right, she has seen through him completely. It says a lot that she wanted to take me out for tea last night rather than being in the house with him (it was her idea to go out).

I have been thinking about getting a little tattoo somewhere. A little feather that symbolises strength, softness, flexibility, freedom, sent down by the Angels.

You are wise not to act yet on this latest thought Tomato. You are processing all the various scenarios, sometimes subconsciously, and it's inevitable that you would reach this one. It may well be that what you really feel is that you don't like him, which in itself could be a killer to your marriage. His treatment of your lovely mum will also have played a part in your thinking.

The way you are dealing with things is quite impressive, and will eventually lead you to what is right for you and your little one.

Im also wondering how long it would have been before your husband started to try and turn you against your mum.

She was a threat him That much is for sure.

Very sensible to sit back and consider any new emotion over time. I really admire you for your logic at this time when emotions complicate everything and can't be counted on in isolation.

I agree with Joysmum and reiterate my admiration for your honest and intelligent introspection: you are not afraid to confront and dissect your feelings- no matter how conflicting they are!
WeeI am not as perspicacious in social matters as you are- regarding his behavior toward her mum. I thought that he was just prone to faux-pas and that Tomato had to 'direct' him to avoid them. But it looks as if you were spot on!
So Tomato I am sorry I did not understand that his behavior was deliberately not respectful to your Mum during his affair.

Tomato, I trust that your feelings will eventually settle and you will make the best decision for you and your DD.
I hope your session with the counselor went well (if indeed it took place) .
Good Luck!

I think I was a bit silly. I went for a drink with dh last night - we agreed we wouldn't talk about anything serious. I didn't last very long because even the little things made me (nearly) cry. I can't believe he just threw everything we had to one side.

Oh well. I won't be doing that in a hurry again.

We have the counsellor on Tuesday and I keep running through my head all the things I want to say to him.

We had a lovely day yesterday - went to Windsor horse show. Dd was utterly entranced all day. I am starting to build a little bank of memories of things like that, with her, which I would never have considered doing without dh before.

Ah dont feel silly that you only went for drink.

Some of us may even have gone home to bed with him afterwards

Ive just reread that last sentence.

Don't feel silly about going for a drink with him Tomato. If anything your civility towards him will help illustrate that when you go through your letter with him next Tuesday, it's because you genuinely feel that way rather than trying to point score or punish him to make a point.

You're doing really well, I hope you have a good weekend.

Oh Weebirdie

I'm realising something. Last night he asked the name of my friends new baby. Both the children have Irish names (she is Irish her dh English) and dh said it was clear who "wore the trousers" in that relationship.

I have also been thinking about our cat. I was the one who wanted a cat, for our family, and whilst dh was in agreement I found him and have done everything for him. Dh doesn't like him and he doesn't like dh. I wonder if the reason dh doesn't like him is because it's a decision I have made rather than him making it.

I think in my desire for a harmonious home I ceded too much of myself.

You made a generous gesture and you now have 'done that' and know how it feels. Its another box to tick as you move forward. I get the impression that you are seeing him with new eyes and things which before you glossed over, now seem much more of a pattern leading towards his act of utter selfishness.

I've been with my DH for a long time and it took me time to assert myself and not fall into his idea of a home life. His own family has some neanderthal tendencies (my own have their own quirks!) and it was quite a battle to define OUR way of being together. I didn't have the heartbreak you are having but I can relate to feeling you are losing yourself and what you want from life. My DH wanted to make things work and for the most part, we rub along well together. Perhaps the only relationship he has to base everything on is imbalanced?

His throwaway comments about your friend's DCs would be a passing joke in a relationship full of love and respect. If he doesn't see how inappropriate that is at the moment, perhaps he doesn't have the social skills to adapt his behaviour. Its all about him.

It's my opinion that (MH issues aside) someone doesn't just 'turn' from being a fundamentally good person into some selfish, nasty piece of work. E.g had your H had an affair but still treated you, your mum etc with kindness and respect during and after then maybe it could be interpreted as some crazy lapse of judgement where he got swept up in a moment of madness. However his callousness throughout doesn't suggest a mistake of a good man but a calculated self-serving attitude which doesn't just appear from nowhere.

It sounds like now the filter vision of your love for him has lessened you are opening your eyes to more and more things which suggest that his affair was actually something that was more in character for him rather than out of it. Having said that be mindful that anger could be causing the opposite effect now and you're filtering things through that angry mindset - the truth is probably somewhere between the two.

FWIW I had no idea just how abusive my ex was until I left him and could finally see him through the same lens that others did. I just knew I was unhappy but couldn't quite work out why until I was on the outside looking in, rather than on the inside looking out.

I'm definitely seeing him with new eyes. And yes I was very invested in the marriage and making it a happy one and that I did let comments like that slide - I had always assumed they were made in jest but now I'm not so sure. I think he has fundamental beliefs which I just can't rub along with any more. There is too much compromise on my part. Which means he has to change if I am to stick around.

It was after the comment about my friend that I said it was now time to leave. I was quite upset when I got home but I'm just angry again this morning.

And his place is moth ridden. Which is pretty ironic given how much time and research and attention I have given to sorting out our own moth problem, and how he has upgraded his wardrobe recently.

There is too much compromise on my part. Which means he has to change if I am to stick around

A person changing because somebody else wants them to is a ticking time bomb. You may get temporary results but sooner or later they'll revert to type because if change is enforced on them then ultimately that's not who they actually are.

I appreciate you have a DD together but why bother trying to squash the ugly sister into Cinderella's slipper?

Sorry that came across more abruptly than I intended...I just feel you deserve so much better x

If he wants to stick around sufficiently that may be a catalyst for some introspection.

We haven't yet had any particularly meaningful conversations. I'm still getting my head around what I think. It's like the scales are falling from in front of my eyes.

Thanks snoozy. I have no idea where this will end up but I feel like I have to at least have a go at reconciliation for dd's sake. I don't want to look back in the future and wonder if I made a mistake, and by going through this process I think, if it doesn't work, I will not have those lingering doubts.

I agree with you Tomato, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being open minded about a reconciliation. I think reconciliations are doomed to failure if they come about by the wronged party putting in most of the effort rather than the cheater, you'll soon know by your H's behaviour whether your marriage has the potential to be rebuilt and go the distance or if he's just wasting your time.

Oh shit. Counsellor tomorrow night has just cancelled. I have to start talking to him so we are going out instead to talk.

Right now I utterly despise him. We've had a couple of chats recently and I'm starting to listen to the language that he uses and what he says about our female friends and it's just awful. Completely dismissive.

No wonder I had such low self esteem because he has been speaking to me the same way.

Tomato. I'm so sorry you are starting to recognise your husband for who he is, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he is a mysoginist at heart.

So sorry to hear about the (late notice) cancellation.

You are so better off without him.

Sorry to hear about the counsellor tomato. Has the appointment been rebooked?

Yes - I'm starting to wonder whether reconciliation is possible. I can't believe I have been so blind to it for so long.

He got so angry a few months ago when he overheard me telling a friend that I felt I had sacrificed my career for his. It has been the truth though.

What about going back to the letter as a starting point for talking?

I would definitely recommend giving him the letter beforehand though.

You will not get a thoughtful and considered response that is worth discussing unless he has the time to read it, take it in, consider and dwell on the contents - all before discussing it with you.