Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Tomato, I am still here but not able to add more to what is being discussed at the moment. Perhaps you need time just to 'be' rather than having any more light bulb moments or caught up in other's views of your situation.

You are coping as well as you can and trying to make sense of everything. Perhaps some of what is happening on your thread is a distraction, just think about yourself and what matters to you. At the end of the day, much of what is happening is very simple. You know how you feel, how he is behaving and what is best for you. You might not know it yet, so take time to work through your feelings. At your own pace, in your own way. There are not rules here. Only what's best for you.

Take care and take as much time as you need. This is your life and totally up to you how you move forward.

Thanks everyone. I've just had a long evening with my lovely friend. I'm just going to sit back and take in what happens over the next few weeks.

Bathtime - yes there has been a bit of petulance. I've nipped it in the bud now.

Never - I'm not sure I can add much more either!

Hmm, having to nip in the bud the petulance of the husband who cheated on you...

I can't imagine that's something you ever aspired to.

Believe me, this whole situation is not one I would ever have aspired to. I think he is thrown, I think he has vastly underestimated me and the actions I would take and I think he has lost control. He has responded by going on the attack, which I knew would happen.

What I am waiting for is the angry noise to abate, and for the real soul searching to happen. And if the soul searching doesn't happen I really will be leaving him. I have my plan and I know I will be ok.

I think I need, like never has said, to just start "being". I think my head is a bit clearer thanks to all of the support and advice I've had here. I have the next couple of weeks planned out - with the counsellor, socially, and yoga/massage.

I've got some literature to refer to as well (and if anyone has any suggestions please fling them my way) and I'm going to be watching him like a hawk.

Xx

He has responded by going on the attack, which I knew would happen.

I really struggle to get my head around what type of person you need to be to respond your own wrongdoing by "going on the attack".

You seem to to talk about his unreasonable and unjustifiable anger and aggression towards you as though they are something to be respected and accepted.

It is outrageous for him to be petulant and angry and aggressive in the circumstances.

It really shouldn't take an entire month for someone fully apprised of all the facts (unlike, say... you) to get to the point of not being a complete prick and actually thinking about what he has done.

He's done counselling FFS! And he thinks aggression and outburtsts are appropriate here?

The way he cowed and bullied you into thinking it was your fault that he had decided he was better than you is quite chilling.

When was this shallow, pretentious, arrogant, aggressive wanker not a complete prick?

Because he is now.

I was really gunning for you to sort this out. But his behaviour since D Day is mindblowing.

And you recognise it and seem to think it is normal and understandable. It is not.

There really is nothing like kicking someone when they are down

Tomato hasn't excused any behaviour, she has and will continue to take an intelligent, mature and measured approach to a give event in her life

She is wise enough to not jump on the lab bandwagon until she knows for definite what she wants.....she hasn't excused any of his behaviour, not once

But hey, thanks for trying to add to the pile of shite she is trying to wade through, nice one

I'm not trying to kick her when she's down.

I've been here supporting her, in my own way, since the start of her first thread.

But I'm sure she'll really appreciate you trying to start a fight on her thread.

(And not for the first time.)

Read your own post

I'm not starting a fight, I am responding to someone who uses their own bitterness to attack someone who is struggling

Check out your post of 23 26... Nasty, goady and condescending

Both of you - desist please. If you really need to continue take it off the thread.

You are both giving different points of view. That is useful. I am sure tomato continues to have the intelligence to take the bits from each that feel right for her.

Please keep the conversation as between you and her, not between each other.

Given what he has done, "going on the attack" because you didn't immediately agree to stay with him (it has only been a very few weeks) is disgraceful! Even if he does have an epiphany and change tack later.

Just for the avoidance of any doubt, tomato, I have not meant any of my posts in a nasty, goading, or condescending manner.

I think you know that, because you have responded as if you understand that I am completely on your side, but I hate to think that I might have upset you.

I hope you are OK this morning.

Ok - calm down everyone!

Bathtime - I am not excusing his behaviour. There is a massive pile of all sorts of shit things I have to get my head around where his behaviour is concerned. I have been saying all along that I have expected his anger and am waiting for it to abait which I think it is starting to. I am horrified that he isn't being calm and conciliatory and the rest of it. I don't need to be reminded that it should be him as the peace maker and not me and that the counselling and the rest of it should have helped him already do some soul searching.

As I have said all along I'm not making any decisions now. I want to have him hear my piece and I want to say it to him in the best words possible and in the best environment possible for him to take on what I am saying. If after that he doesn't have it in him to start making the huge changes etc that I need then I will start firming up my plans to leave.

I had a long chat with my friend last night and she reminded me that when we got married he was absolutely pleased as punch - we were completely in love with each other and had a beautiful love story, and that my friends thought he was lucky that I had chosen him. I've also lived on my own, travelled on my own, I out earned him in the earlier days of out relationship and I am ok with striking out on my own again.

She also said that I have quite an unusual mix of not being comfortable with confrontation and being a peace maker but actually having very strong views about what is acceptable which I normally hold to, in my own way. I have always very quietly done my own thing without making a big song and dance about it. What changed in recent months was that my confidence was shattered and then his behaviour at home changed. I think I was in denial by how awful it was because I was still holding on to how great things had been up until that point and I put it down to having a bad patch in our marriage/general life shit. I honestly felt like I was bashing my head against a brick wall with everything I was trying to do - finding a job, having a baby, having a happy husband.

Things are now a lot clearer about why the last few months had been particularly awful which is a relief. I now need to figure out whether the man I married was a mirage or whether he is still there but has been having a complete "madness" of his own in the last few months. I don't know that I will get the answers for a while but I am watching and waiting.

I don't feel like I need to be told to wake up, LTB, or that I am being unreasonable in not having made up my mind yet. Yes there may be traits that others are recognising as narcissistic, personality disorders etc but I'm not sure (having known him a long time) and not ready to jump to that conclusion yet.

Xpost - I know you are all on my side. I'm actually starting to bore myself!

Xx

Tomato, I have just read your thread. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I have to say that you sound strong, intelligent and brave. Your dh is crazy to let his arrogance and entitlement lead him astray. You almost sound detached in your objectivity of the situation, which is probably a positive thing?
My dh had an affair 2.5 years ago. Like you, I took my time to make a decision, and we are still together. He was remorseful and full of self hatred, but that wasn't enough for me. Like you, I set a list of behaviours I would need to observe in him in order to move forward together. He 'passed' them, but I now have my eyes open to a side of his personality which has shocked me; the weak, self absorbed, amoral man I had never experienced in the previous 15 years. Time will tell if I can live with that, but for the moment the good times vastly outweigh the bad. The downside is that my self esteem is shot to shit. I struggle to reconcile the strong, kick-ass me with the me who took back a cheat. I never imagined that would happen
If I had only one piece of advice to you, it would be to remember that whatever decision you make, you can always change your mind.

Morning Tomato - I've lost the plot a bit here as this thread is now huuuuuuge, but am still here rooting for you to make the very best decision you can for yourself and DD, irrespective of what anyone else thinks you should do.

Stay strong. You're doing so well.

I feel that right now the most important thing you are getting from this period of reflection, is the ability to see how you were totally blameless in all of this. It sounds as though - with a great deal of help from your husband - you took the changes in his behaviour towards you, as being entirely your fault. Only when you are completely self aware, and your self esteem is healthier, can you deal with his actions, past and present. It sounds as if you are now very close to achieving this.

A friend of mine who, when caught doing something wrong, gets angry, defensive and plays the victim rather than being apologetic. I think she panics, and you have to talk her through it.

I'm rather hoping in your case that your husband's behaviour is similarly gauche and inappropriate rather than genuinely arrogant and petulant.

I'm not sure how likely that is, and only time will tell.

Nice post Twinkle!

Nearly another day done. A nice lunch and I've been utterly hooked on the election.

I've been in touch with dh and we have agreed that we will start talking properly with the counsellor in a week and a half. He is keen to start talking sooner but I would rather take my time, setting the timescale and agenda. The emails are getting much calmer.

Twinkle - I honestly think dh is reacting like your friend. However I have very definitely warned and am on the lookout for warning signs of anything a more sinister.

He is facing his family tomorrow for the first time. That should be interesting!

Chapeau Tomato!
Et la vie continue (and life goes on)...

(Interesting results- the elections I mean- Not bad results: your H responses.)

Have a nice week end!

What are your weekend plans tomato?

Yes all very interesting!

Tomorrow I have yoga and then I am going to start making curtains for dd's room (she has a blind but in the summer needs a bit more blackout I think). Hopefully I will get fully absorbed in the task. Dd has the day with dh.

Sunday I am seeing my friend again - and a play date for dd and her ds. Either at their house or a park depending on the weather.

I think I've now got something sorted out every day for the next couple of weeks so I know I won't get too lonely.

Sounds good. I'm thinking about getting to yoga tomorrow too.