Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Good idea! Hopefully I will feel nice and calm for the whole day afterwards. That's the aim anyway.

More positive steps Tomato, well done

Am feeling really low again. Did yoga class, made dd's curtains (although I don't have the stuff to put them up yet) but have been feeling really angry all afternoon. Mostly about the way he treated me while the affair was going on. It was awful.

I saw dh this evening when he dropped dd back and we needed to sort out a couple of things for her. He isn't angry any longer and asked if I wanted to talk or not. I said no, and then blurted out I had been feeling so angry this afternoon, and was angry about how horrible he had been to me during the affair. He just mumbled that he didn't realise.

He texted me later this evening and the text was v apologetic: just tell me what you want me to do to help you, I'm really sorry, I still love you yada yada yada.

Anyway I couldn't get the DVD player to work so I've cut my losses, subscribed to Netflix and am now tucked up in bed about to watch house of cards.

I don't really have anyone to talk to right now and am just feeling really lonely. I just wish it wasn't this way.

Tomato, don't feel bad about how you are feeling. Its important that you go through these stages so you can come out of the other side of this and feel stronger.

Of course its hard to draw away from him when he is showing emotions and empathy. But you have remained strong and true to yourself. Perhaps he thought you were such a strong and capable person, you wouldn't be touched by his actions. Perhaps the reality is that he knows he made a dreadful mistake in trying to cover his tracks, he thought it could just be a 'lost' period in his life. He'd had his moment of madness and realised what he was going to lose.

If he is getting closer to some kind of humility, that's not a bad thing. But, it shouldn't accelerate your own healing.

You are feeling an emptiness you never thought existed and time is the only thing which will heal any of this.

And House of Cards is an excellent series. Watched it only recently and the acting is superb. Hope you enjoy it, its great escapism. x

Thank you never. You've just made me feel a lot less alone.

I've just watched episode 1 and am kicking myself for not watching it sooner. I forgot how much I love Kevin spacey. I have a complete hero worship on him, man and actor. Episode 2 coming up.

Didn't realise! Really? However, good that you've expressed your anger and good that he's acknowledged it and shown contrition.

So sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard when he is the person you would have talked things through with and now you can't. You aren't alone though - you have family and friends (and mumsnet!)

It's possible he's getting to a place where you might actually be able to talk. He may be recognising what a shithead thing he did.

It's taken him ages to try this tack, most of them seem to reach humility a lot sooner.

I hope that you've left him far behind by the time he gets to the "come on, haven't you got over it yet?" Phase

Well whatever the reason it's a lot easier for me to deal with than anger.

With my new Netflix subscription I have put Cinderella on for dd so we can have a nice easy hour or two. I've woken up feeling really flat again and need to be ok for her today. Fortunately I'm going to my friends house a bit later so don't have the day alone with dd.

3 weeks ago today at this time I had just confronted him.

I'm glad to hear that you have plans tomato.

Glad you're at least finding contrition easier to deal with than anger! It's still really, really early days. Hope you have a good day today.

Have you discussed the plan to read your letter to him with the counsellor and / or invited him to the session?

Just enjoy your Sunday, watching movies, seeing friends. Even if it's a flat day, its still a day of stability in your own home, surrounded by your own things. Give yourself the luxury of doing exactly what you want. If you're not ready to make more decisions, put them to one side until you are.

This isn't a race to a final fix, it's an unfolding situation so it's ok to take a day off from time to time. You are not answerable to anyone about this. Only time will give you the space to think. X

it's an unfolding situation so it's ok to take a day off from time to time.

I love this.

Thank you. I think I need a break from thinking for a few days.

Yes he knows about the counsellor. I haven't told him I plan to read a letter but I've said that there are things I'd like to start talking to him about with her there.

Definitely a lazy day. We are out for a few hours over lunch with lots of running around with her little friend for dd so I'm not feeling guilty about not doing anything constructive with dd this morning.

Absolutely no reason for guilt anyway, Tomato - as others have said, this is a process and not every day will be a success

Don't feel guilty for not doing anything "constructive" this morning.

Completely unstructured play is great for toddlers. Perfect to balance that with something more social later on.

I know you didn't plan to talk to him yet, but I think your little outburst was a good thing overall. I imagine he was glad to get some kind of response from you, even if it wasn't pleasant for him to hear. And hopefully it will start him thinking about the way he was in the affair period.

It's not surprising that he didn't realise how horrible he was being, because he was so full of himself and his own importance that he felt he was justified in being a complete arse to lesser mortals.

If the good man you thought you married is a reality, he's going to be very embarrassed about what a cock he allowed himself to turn into.

Well we're at the cafe sat outside in the sun waiting for my friend and her little boy. I have a ball (pink) and a bucket and spade (yellow and pink) for later.

I have spelt out in my letter exactly how much of an arse he has been. He should get the message.

Dd and I have had a lovely day - she has played and laughed all afternoon with her friend in the park, and then we met another of my friends for kids tea at the pub. So after a very slow morning she had a fab afternoon and is clearly still a happy child.

However on the way home we bumped into dh for a walk. He looked quite shocked to see us - we were happy and sticky with the buggy full of balls, buckets and spades - and confused about how to say goodbye to dd thinking she would be very distressed. I was just very jolly "come on dd we need to go we're going to be late to see your friend". He had tears in his eyes as we walked off.

I'm desperately trying not to feel guilty. My friends have been really fab and I know I had a low day yesterday but today has felt more like normality. I really hope he's fucking hurting right now - not because I want him to hurt as such - but I know that the only way I have a chance of getting through to him is by him properly facing up to what he stands to lose.

It won't do him any harm to see you and DD as he once saw OW - something he wanted but couldn't have.

Something that he once had but threw away.

I hadn't thought about it like that. Yes. Right now he can't have me. I'm not playing games either.

I want him to be at the point where he faces exactly what he is losing, and I have told him exactly what I think of him, before I look him in the eyes and see whether or not he has the heart to make the changes he needs to.

I think you are gently getting to where you wanted to be in the days after discovery. You are displaying courage, integrity and dignity. His initial reaction of childish anger and deflection may be giving way to a more realistic reaction of "shit, I'm going to have to face up to this!" . Perhaps it's dawning on him. Also the fact that the solution he came to in the sterile environment of the counsellor's room was no preparation for dealing with you, not the person he assumed you were. .

Whatever he's thinking is his problem. As each day passes, you become stronger and clearer in your own mind. That then gives you more time in the day to establish a routine that works for you. And more time for DD.

Just IMO, writing and reading a letter to him may not get the response you're after. I've just read the entire thread (can't sleep!) and I very much get the opinion you've mapped everything out how you want it to go or think it should go. You expect him to listen to the letter, take it in, formulate a response that you're already assuming will be detailed and apologetic... If I wrote a letter to my DH about something like that he'd listen, take it in, and then shrug, forget any parts he didn't think we're relevant and say 'Yep, got it.' And that'd be it. Chances of a detailed outpouring of remorse and explanation would be zero. Because that's how he is. And I just feel like you're pinning your hopes on something he may not be able to do or understand why you want it, or how to say it...
Sadly, life doesn't work like that, and you can't expect other people to follow your carefully laid out plans. If he deviates from it in the slightest, you'll view that as 'failing' when it maybe be that just isn't how he is and isn't how he works.
You sound brave and strong, but also very very inflexible with your plans. You've got a timeline planned out, you're analyzing everything, military precision... And plans never survive contact with the 'enemy'. You can't just plan everything out to the extent you have and expect another person (who isn't even aware of the plans!) to fit nicely into them.
I suspect my DH was messing around online at one point. I begged him to admit it, just explain it... It's not in his nature, and tbh he still doesn't admit anything. But we've worked through it... He's had to change, I've had to change. I still don't know WHY or anything, but I've accepted that, and accepted if something was happening, he's internalised it as he wasn't really so he can deny it...
I'm just so worried for you that you've got grand plans, and only 18 days into 2 months you want to find out why, explain how it hurt you... You're not being patient either. You gave yourself 2 months. Which as a PP said is pretty arbitrary anyway... I worry that your H isn't going to do what you want - he's human, has his own personality and way of doing things... Yes, you want him to show remorse, but you're not letting him... Instead you're writing a letter which, in my DH's words is 'having a go at him' (or that's how he'll see it...) and I doubt a counsellor will be happy with you basically ranting at him in a session - I went to relate once and was given the impression that attacking and blaming and accusing each other wasn't the point...
Anyway, it's 3am, but I just wanted to say I support you, I know it probably hurts like hell and you're trying to be organised, thought out and plan, but it feels like you're doing that in part just to get control over your life, not because it's actually helpful or productive...
If you want a 2 month break, have one. Have H pick up DD from doorstep. Bring back DD from doorstep. Be cordial. And after 2 months thinking, then start the talking. Or change your plans, you're allowed to alter your timescales. Be flexible - you're in control, but you don't need to be so rigid. And remember he's human, OW is (presumably) human and not a succubus, and they won't do what you nicely plan for them - I planned for DS to be asleep tonight, instead he's crying every so often due to constipation... There went that plan!

Oh, I have OCD - and when I get bad I want the answer to my questions in the exact way and wording I want it and I get very upset if it's even a word out, because that doesn't 'work' for me. I'm trying to understand that for DH 'the cat did it' is the same as 'the cat knocked it over' and similar... And my DM has pointed out that even if I do get an exact answer to my question, I'll immediately focus on something else to ask or obsess over... So I understand that you want the exact answers you want, but sometimes people just can't give them, or don't even understand that slight phrasing mean 'it's not right'... And even if you do get that answer, sometimes it's not enough and you ask more and more and more trying to get to something that never really existed...
I'm not saying you have OCD, but I'm saying that you might not get the answers you want and think you need to 'unlock' the problem, you might get slightly different ones, or ones that lead you further down the rabbit hole.
At some point you need to stop looking for answers and decide 'Is this man that I know now, the person I want to be with? Regardless of his motives which he might not be able to explain.'

Tomato
Good Morning!
I am glad your week end was busy and overall OK.
I am sure your DD is a happy little girl- she is luck to have you no doubt about it. You have great qualities - your posts testify them. You even know how important it is for her to have a dad by her throughout her life. ANd you invest a lot in trying to find out whether your marriage can be rebuilt.
You do not play games I am sure. You want him to grasp the full magnitude of his misdeeds because only then will he be able to completely 'recover from his madness'. (Many will not agree but IMO affairs in healthy marriages are just mental illness). And of course recovering takes time- and recovering from mental illness is not possible without the person realizing that the behaviors derived from such illness are devastating on people around them. (It is not like in a usual illness where the symptoms hurt directly the person who is ill).
Xarra I like your post. I like people that are a bit different (OCD or whatever) - they have interesting views. I like many things in your posts. I will just bring out two:
1- It reminds us that in personal interactions the message at the end of the day it is not what you say/do- it is what he/she hears, understands. And you gave 'his' potential interpretation of the events (I think that you relied on your H and personal experience) and of the letter. That in fact can help Tomato have more control on the process.
2- It reminds us that rebuilding a marriage or just healing from an affair are processes- human processes- and as such we might have to revisit our strategies/behaviors every so often so as to reach our aim.
Good Luck Tomato! Might this week be as busy and as positive as the previous ones.

I think what I was trying to get at (I had 2-3 hours sleep, argument with DP) was that Tomato you can control yourself, you can try and control your life, but you cannot control your H or OW and cannot make them do what you need to heal. It may not be what he needs. It may not be he's capable of it. It may just be he doesn't want to or think he needs to.
Please don't try and have a perfect image of What You Need, as it's very likely he'll be unable to deliver it. I had an image of What I Needed my DH to say - I never got it. Not in any kind of way I thought I needed it. I still love him, we're still together, but I had to accept that What I Needed was never going to happen. It's just, not him or the way he thinks.
I can understand you're grasping onto some control for dear life because you're lost, you want normality for you and DD, and it's a coping mechanism, but you need to accept that your timeline, your wishes, your needs may not be his - or his way of doing things. He may want you back, but not be able to work in your framework, which isn't his fault, he's a different person to you with different logic and mindset, which you may never understand... You can set out your desires, but it takes two to make a relationship and the reconciliation can't be set out or controlled by just one person.