Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Tomato I don't wish to upset you any further but I found some of the blunter posts I received helpful to me in working out things in my own head and facing up to the enormity of what I was dealing with.

Regardless of whether your husband steps up and starts behaving in the way that you hope he will there are some facts that will not alter however your husband now behaves.

Your husband has cheated on you, no matter what happens in the future you will always know that he has the capability to do that. You know that if the right set of circumstances presented themselves in the future his love for you and his own moral code will not prevent him cheating again.

Even if your marriage was happy before, it can never go back to what it was. He has changed your perception of him for ever. Your trust in him has been shattered into pieces and you will never put all of those pieces back together. If he is late home in the future you wouldn't have even given it a thought before but your first thought now will be to wonder why, that may ease in time but it will never truly go away. You will be anxious and you may doubt what he says. That is the reality of how you will be living for quite some time and possibly permanently.

I am not saying that you cannot have a happy marriage again, there are people who say that you can rebuild trust so it is achievable. But you need to be sure he is worth it for it is entirely possible that you could be happier on your own than you would be by taking him back.

Sometimes you can spend ages agonising over what is the right decision and what he needs to do or not do. But it is equally possible that you won't actually sit there and decide whether to give him another chance or not. Quite often you naturally get to a point where a decision just feels right and you are not agonising over it because you just know it is the right thing for you.

All the best.

Totally agree iwashappy. An ex once cheated on me. He only kissed someone else, and although we actually broke up because we weren't all that compatible, I still think less of him because of it.

When he asked years later why I don't want to remain friends, I could honestly say, without any anger or drama, that just he wasn't the kind of person I could be bothered with.

I was

I disagree with every thing you have said. You can't say this will happen again because no one knows that

You also can't say that the pieces can't be put back together again, you didn't get a chance to do that in your marriage but it doesn't mean that it can't happen

And from experience the doubt does go away, otherwise why would you be there

The situations that you are talking about May happen, but equally they may not. I don't think we should be predicting the future as a certainty...no one knows that. Tomato will decide, when she is ready, if she feels she wants to try

Christina I didn't say that he would cheat again, I said that in the right circumstances Tomato knows that he is capable of it.

I said that all of the pieces could not be put together again because the relationship will be different in some way to what it was before, that is not to say that a large number of the pieces could not be put together and a good relationship could be achieved.

I did say that it is possible to have a happy marriage again and I did have the chance to try to rebuild my marriage but I chose not to, my husband did not leave me.

I am happy for you that your own doubts have gone and accept that you have knowledge of that which I do not.

I am not doubting that it is entirely Tomato's decision to make as and when it suits her. I agree that it is not possible to predict what will happen in the future.

Tomato asked earlier for help from others who had been in this position which is why I posted. One thing I realised, amongst many others, is that I didn't want to be married to a man who thought it acceptable to cheat and regardless of what happens in the future Tomato's husband will always have cheated on her. That is a hell of a big thing to get past as a lot of us know, some manage it and some don't.

One of the most helpful things that you gain by posting on here is a range of different perspectives and opinions. So hopefully it is helpful for Tomato to have differing views on this. All the best to you and I am pleased that things have worked out for you. x

I know I'm on the romantic side, maybe this seems idealistic but to me, a lover worthy of going back to, would have displayed in his eyes and behaviour the sorrow for the pain he caused to the one he loves. Some can get things wrong and not realise or choose to ignore or compartmentalize and block things out in order to manage to do wrong for the immediate gratification (some more than others are better at this).
But when faced with the pain, if your love is worthy, another's pain will cut yourself deeply too. Could it be that his offerings are just not worth enough? Not necessarily only to you, but to anyone? A person who cheats once may be an excellent compartmentalizer, but if the love and the pain is felt when faced with it, they will remember and know it destroys ones self in the process. A serial cheat, never felt that pain, either through a general lack of capacity or because of being with the wrong person for them.
In time, you will work out which he is, so far I'm not getting that he is feeling your pain enough whatever the reason.

Well done on last night, I'm so glad that you are finding a way of handling the situation in such a capable, healthy manner. (Although I hope you never feel you can't post if you have a less than calm moment).

I've always said this - in your situation I would want my DP back so much, I love him and would want everything to stay as lovely as it is right now. But I just wouldn't be able to forget his betrayal, the death of our relationship by a thousand cuts of lies and misdirections and steps towards the affair. Living in a relationship with that knowledge just wouldn't be an option for me.

I was

Of course it is good to have different views, but you have made statements about what will happen and how she will feel , I was merely pointing out that you don't know that

So dd has been awake since 5.45. Screaming for daddy. Grrr.

Thank you again for your range of experiences. I've never been particularly tolerant of what I consider to be immoral behaviour in others. I have cut off friends before because I didn't like what I was seeing and didn't want to invest any more time or energy in the friendship. And this is 100 times worse because the betrayal has been so complete. I know already I have low tolerance for accepting this kind of behaviour and so if I do take him back I'm going to have to come to terms with that side of my personality.

And it really does feel like the last few months have been a death by a thousand cuts. And then some rather large slices chopped out.

I have an easy morning planned - voting, a few chores, hanging out with dd, and then a massage when dd is at nursery, and then one of my lovely friends is coming round for wine and pizza.

I've also got some more nice things lined up and now that a few friends know I feel like I've got some good real life support. And if I do get going with the yoga properly then I have a physical release too.

On the assumption I get another job I can see how life could be without dh and it doesn't look like a disaster. My main consideration would then have to be getting as much as possible out of the marriage to ensure dd has a stable and secure home, gets into the right school etc.

I'm sure I will come crashing down again in a day or so but the last 24 hours have given me a bit of hope.

And I just need to keep waiting and watching dh, working on my letter and then being patient for the outcome.

I think you are doing exactly what you need to, enjoy your day

I'm off to get the rest of the camping gumph!

Thank you Christina. Enjoy your shopping. I love a good outdoors shop.

Iwas - I understand your point but I slightly disagree. You say that You know that if the right set of circumstances presented themselves in the future his love for you and his own moral code will not prevent him cheating again.
I don't know why Tomato's DH had an affair. Sense of entitlement, boredom, got flattered, got carried away with a situation, more/different sex. But almost certainly he did not think he would get caught. Now his world has changed, he certainly is starting to understand the consequences of his actions and also (hopefully) how much he loves Tomato.

Now Tomato is undertaking a process to understand why he cheated and to decide if this aspect of his nature can be changed (this is the key point and I know it is more complex than I stated) in order for them to stay together. Of course DH has to recognise the flaw and want to change. If he can genuinely change and Tomato can forgive then they have a chance. In a way DH has to become the man Tomato thought he was.

So my point is that the same set of circumstances cannot appear, because a key constituent (the main protagonist) would be a different person (hopefully having changed). Hope this makes sense.

It isn't just the cheating though - it's all if the other behaviours I have seen since the affair started that are so distressing. It is possible the cheating is evidence of the man he really is, rather than just the stupid actions of an otherwise good man.

And that is what I am trying to figure out.

You are quite right Tomato, I should have included and the "other behaviors". Best Wishes.

You know that if the right set of circumstances presented themselves in the future his love for you and his own moral code will not prevent him cheating again.

I took this comment to mean that all sorts of things might stop him cheating in the future, but it wouldn't be an intrinsic moral code that stopped him.

And there was me thinking, before I made the terrible discovery that he was intrinsically a moral man. Which was one of the things I loved about him.

I guess it's possible for him to have very high, admirable morals in some aspects of life, but not in others?

People make bad decisions no matter how good they are. Some of the most moral men and women have made some of the most immoral decisions.
In my opinion, you need to see how he deals with the small things in the next few weeks and months as to what kind of man he is. He is a different man now for what has happened, just as you're a different woman, so look and see just what kind of man he is now.
Hope I helped.

I can see how life could be without DH and it doesn't look like a disaster

And that, right there, is probably the most important thing of all. His attitude so far suggests to me that he had you in a box marked "little woman who'd put up with it" ... god, was he wrong

Personally I thoroughly agree with the post from Iwashappy last night; nobody's saying that he will cheat in the future, only that his actions and especially his behaviour since show it's not to be discounted if (for him) the circumstances were right

As I understand too well, once you're aware of these things you can't "un-know" them - and that's what I meant about the potential for it to play on your mind and drag you down if you choose to stay. Only you can make that decision, but FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing in taking your time over it, watching his reactions carefully and creating nice times for yourself and DD in the meantime

Considering you suggested that you "don't know what the hell you're doing" I think you're actually doing extremely well

Thanks puzzled - I'm still really up and down but I know I could be ok. For example I've just been totally thrown that dd's key worker at nursery is leaving soon. She's finally settled, loves her key worker and so I knew that was a little oasis of normality. I'm probably overblowing it because the nursery is really lovely and she's bonding with the other staff and has her friend with her on a Friday, but I can't help feeling that she's being let down and having to cope with a lot of change all at once.

She keeps asking where daddy is and it's breaking my heart when I just have to be very matter of fact and say "he's not here" "he's at work" "you'll see him later" etc. I don't know how much more to tell her.

I don't know what to make of the moral side of things. I know people can make mistakes (and I have made a fair few myself over the years) but it's knowing that he gave himself permission to do what he did over and over again. That it would be ok as long as I didn't find out. If it was a one-off that he completely regretted and would always feel guilty about and had learned a lesson from I can see how that could be forgiven. But this? It went on and on, day after day, stopped and then started again. He was seriously considering leaving us for her and causing goodness knows how much damage.

And then to top it all he was thoroughly horrible to me. When I was pretty lot which I didn't deserve at all.

I just don't know how this behaviour fits in with somebody who claims to be a moral person. It wasn't just one error.

Tomato, has he ever said why he finally chose to end the affair?

It's very easy to talk the talk when it comes to morals, the test is whether you follow the talk with action.

It's easy to start validating something you want by minimising the moral implications: 'Normally I wouldn't approve of this - but in my case it's justified - because we're so in love, I'm so unhappy, I deserve this' - etc.

And some people just lie to themselves.

I think a lot of this is confusing because he hasn't really talked about it

You haven't had an opportunity to really question him or talk about it in any great depths

Ok - so the hurdle he fell at is the justifications and permissions he gave himself.

Eliana - no I haven't had that explanation yet. After that first hideous day of finding out I have shut down communication as much as possible. It's a question I have and will ask him in due course.

Christina - xpost - yes I think you're right. Maybe that shows I'm ready to start talking to him soon.

Is it possible that you've gone as far as you can, processing everything on your own, without his input? Maybe you are holding off the confrontation because you have been so desperately hurt, and - understandably - are protecting yourself from further pain. I feel that if he had shown true remorse, a real fear of losing you, that you would have been willing to talk to him by now. You are so very afraid of what else you are going to find out, and my heart goes out to you.