Can I just point out that everyone's views are welcome here? I won't follow every piece of advice I receive but at the same time I want to be challenged to make sure I haven't missed something which may be obvious to someone else.
I have been thinking about the test/goalpost angle of this.
Can I just say that in the last 2 weeks my world has been utterly rocked. My future dream shattered and my reality has come crashing down. I need to work out how to rebuild my life and my relationship (however close that may end up being) for the long term.
In the short term I need to steer a steady ship for dd, not make any moves that will inflame emotions further without carefully considering the impact, and start working out whether it is worth the hard work of rebuilding our marriage or letting go and starting afresh.
I have given myself an initial 2 month timeframe to let the initial emotions settle and to start thinking about the marriage. During that time I need space to think and to start framing the questions that I need answers to in order to make the initial decisions about whether to just walk away or not.
During this time I am watching his behaviour closely to see the clues that will help with that decision. He doesn't know that I have framed my requests as "tests" and therefore doesn't know where my goalposts stand. Therefore I can change them at will whilst I work out where they should be.
At the moment he just knows that I need some space. If we do start working together and I am clear about what he needs to do then yes it would be unfair for me to keep changing my mind.
I do know the following though: he has behaved in an angry manner toward me in the little contact we have had over dd, hasn't respected my need for space and was pretty petulant over my request to move out. He hasn't been completely open when confessing to his sister - I don't know yet about his parents or his best friend but will find out. None of these clues bode well.
I am currently drafting and redrafting a letter that I plan to read him a week Monday. I want to make sure I include in there not only how I feel but also somehow the questions that he needs to start answering. And the questions and observations from posters like Weebirdie and puzzled (and others) which challenge my thinking and may appear uncomfortable to others are actually very helpful. I may disregard them or I may explore them further - I don't know.
The only thing which I am clear about right now is that I don't have the foggiest what I am doing. I am making it up, winging it as I go along. And I therefore need the help and support of others who have trodden this path before me.