Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Can't disagree with any of it

Personally I would take the last bit out because alls its doing is telling him he doesn't have much of a fight on his hands.

I would also take out 'weak' because you're giving him an excuse. No cheater is weak. They are in fact strong/greedy/self absorbed people who can lead parallel lives with ease.

And why is the counsellor a shit? What has he or she done wrong?

xxx

The fact that he was still lying and minimising his actions (albeit to his family) is telling and disappointing. Your letter sounds great. Unfortunately the biggest indicator of the future success of a marriage after extreme infidelity (falling in love etc) is the extent and passion with which the cheater re-commits immediately to the original relationship and works to understand and empathise with the betrayed's pain. There is only so much you can do. It is he who is nailing his own coffin. You are doing everything right by demanding a certain line below which you won't stoop to beg for a twat back. Good luck.

Weebirdie - I will have another look tonight in light of your comments. Thank you. I had been thinking he was incredibly weak because he wasn't able to resist and kept falling further and further.

The counsellor isn't a shit but the counselling doesn't seem to have worked particularly well, so the counselling has been shit (as far as I am concerned)

Blood - he's not exactly been passionate in his reconnection. How disappointing.

I've put his sister right on a few facts and our mums also spoke last night. I will find out later what was said. He won't get away with the minimising.

Dd have a very busy day with 2 playdates so no time to get maudlin. I've also had a decent nights sleep which will help. Day 18.

Does he really want to get back together? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he does.

He might not want to have lost the security of a home a wife and daughter, and he may not like having to face that he has not behaved well, but at the same time he's not seeming to be massively passionate about apologies and fixing things.

The counsellor may not have got him to where you want, but maybe she is helping him work out what he wants. And maybe thats not you.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you were so busy setting your terms out for him to be sorry and come home, and keeping yourself occupied, that I felt you were blocking out the realisation that he may not wholeheartedly want to come back.

He has said he wants to come back. However he normally fights really hard for what he wants and I haven't seen him fighting for me yet.

I've seen him feeling very angry at me and very sorry for himself though.

Sadly there seems very little indication at the moment that he wants to come back to you.

He might want to come home, to be a married man again, to live with his daughter, and regain the respect of his family.

But there is no sense, nearly 3 weeks on, that he is scared of losing you, sorry that he has hurt you, desperate to be given a chance to reconnect with you.

It sounds like his narrative of himself as the honourable man giving up on what he really wants (and derserves) from life has not been dented by anything you've done so far.

If anything you might just be providing him with an excuse to go back to what he was planning to sacrifice on the altar of his wonderfulness.

He's a sophisticated jazz fan with minimalist tastes. He's really a cut above most people.

You don't recognise that. But other people do.

I really think you should bear in mind that this letter will be given to him 3 weeks after you found out and more than two since he has shown any remorse or passion about the loss of you.

Well if he goes back to OW or can't be arsed to seek to make amends then tomato will be better off without him!

Your mother and his mother talking must've been interesting!

Even if your marriage had been dreadful there would still have been no excuse!

Tomato, I dont know your husband from Adam, but based on my own life experience and what you've written here, I think your husband has some kind of personality disorder going on and I think you should be very careful what you wish for.

He has a history of counselling, but more to the point, two women who've been involved with him have now had to go to counselling.

I doubt its the women in his life who have a problem and I suspect that if in future you have a married life with your husband you're always going to be working on yourself because of his issues.

Im sorry.

How had he misrepresented his affair to his sister?

I think you will be able to tell a lot about him from the lies he is telling.

And just to clarify, I didn't read Bathtimes contribution before posting. My thoughts are my own and they formed quite a few pages back. Your mention of him having counselling with a previous partner just kind of re-inforced what I was thinking.

I don't necessarily think a former partner having counselling is a "red flag", eg if the relationship was going badly or she had other problems. The plan to chat to a mutual friend of his ex to seek info seems good.

I find it more worrying that he seemed to think he held all the cards (and seems angry to have discovered he doesn't), and could personally comfort and counsel her to move on (paper over?) from his infidelity.

I don't think the fact that people choose counselling is a bad thing at all. The opposite in fact, but I do think the fact that he repeatedly does it shows indecision and that he is continually searching for something better.

Tomato I am sorry to be so blunt. These are just my views. Obviously I don't know your DH so could be talking absolute rubbish! I don't know you but I don't like to see you get hurt. Have a lovely day with your lovely daughter!

The former partner having counselling might be something or nothing, but it is certainly strange that he seems to have a counsellor on hand to guide him through all recent decisions regarding his love life.

Deciding to break up with a long term girlfriend shouldn't really require external input.

And going to counselling to decide whether it is a good idea to continue your affair seems the height of self-indulgent narcissism

I would be concerned about throwing my lot in with another adult who couldn't decide on such basic life decisions without months of agonising and introspection.

Want to break up with your girlfriend? Have no kids? Just do it.

Think you're getting a bit too amazing for your wife and family life? Have started shagging other faraway woman? Maybe give it a rest and get a grip of yourself, you arrogant, pretentious wanker.

I would make an amazing counsellor.

This can only be worked on if he accepts he was wrong, can se where he was wrong and work out for himself what he should have done differently, understands and acknowledges the hurt he has caused everyone, and changes who he is so you can be more sure if him in future so you have enough peace to live with him (even if you never entirely trust him again).

Not much of any of those points in evidence so far. Not much in the way of empathy either.

Thank you everyone. Perhaps I would be better off without him, I'm not sure. I am thinking though that he fell out of love with me when he committed to her and hasn't done anything to rekindle that love. Quite the opposite actually.

From what he said his ex had her own problems and came from a very troubled family. I will find out more on Monday.

He had told his sister that he had met someone else but had finished it before I found out. She was shocked when I told her that he had been planning on leaving dd and I and the depths to which he had stooped.

It's starting to become clear that his confidantes are not the particularly strong people in his life. And I don't like that one little bit.

Bathtime I will pay you to be his counsellor!!

What a pickle.

Joys - yes that's a good list. And I don't see much evidence either.

My point isn't that someone needing counselling is a red flag.

My point is that Tomato's husband and his former partner were in counselling together, as a couple. And Tomato has found herself in the same situation with him. What is it about the bloke that means two women have had to go to, or are going to counselling because of him?

It's starting to become clear that his confidantes are not the particularly strong people in his life

Tomato, this doesn't surprise me a bit. In fact it would be par for the course.

Weebirdie - is there something that you are trying to tell me that I am not getting? Do you think he has a personality disorder? Is there any literature I should be looking at?

I am thinking though that he fell out of love with me when he committed to her and hasn't done anything to rekindle that love.

It sounds like the form that falling out of love took was that he began to see himself as better than you.

Often the falling out of love that happens during an affair is based on her (some idealised, unrealistic version of the affair partner) being better than you.

When the affair comes to light and reality intrudes, that idea is usually shown to be a convenient falsehood.

I think that is what people who try to reduce an affair to a single mistake mean - I thought she was better than you, but I was wrong.

But his affair seems to have been conducted on the basis that he is better than you - that he has better taste, is a cut above you.

And that has survived the end of the affair, because it wasn't just a part of the affair bubble.

I would just like to offer a word of caution tomato if I may. I have read these type of posts before and there seems to be a snowball affect at times (not surprising I guess, given the experience of some of the posters).

Correct me if I am wrong, but your OP was for hand holding while you figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

However in some cases it has turned into an (unqualified) assessment of your DH's mental state. I have read that he is week, he is strong, he has a personality disorder, there seems very little indication at the moment that he wants to come back to you, going to a councilor is a "red flag", not going to a councilor is a red flag. I could go on, these were all on page 28/29 alone.

None of the posters (undoubtedly well intentioned) understand your DH, his motives, his current mental state or the strength of his desire to get back with you. You alone need to do that. Sincere good luck.

Bathtime - that makes total sense. Especially in the context of some of the discussions we had before the affair came to light, that we didn't have anything in common any more, that the things he were interested were somehow superior to the things I liked and wanted to do. He has been so rude recently about other people too.

It's as if he really has become a different person.

Argh! It's just making me cross again.

Thank you Dr for your words of caution.

I do need help, and yes I'm completely in the dark as to what experiences and attitudes others are bringing to the table, but I need to get my head around what is happening and having a range of attitudes and experiences is a good way of filtering that. I should probably have gone into psychology because I do spend my life analysing people (normally in the work context) and having these discussions is enormously helpful.

We are only 18 days in and I gave myself an initial 2 months cooling period knowing it would be an emotional rollercoaster for both of us. I will be reading out the letter in another couple of weeks and he could take a while to respond.

I do also know that I could as easily reject the "mumsnet" version of dh as I could dismiss him. But I'm listening and taking it all in. And eventually I think the truth will emerge.