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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 17:48

Hi mama - thank you that was well explained. To be clear he is not in the family home but has a flat up the road so I will have to decide at some point whether or not to have him back.

I don't think he is on the aspie scale. I think he has just made some appalling decisions and got caught up with the romance.

My friend has just left and it is a bit of a relief having people nearby who I can talk to. We're going to have a long lunch on Friday when dd is at nursery which will be fun. I have also managed to offload most of the brownies onto her to save my waistline (she has a teeny newborn so needs the cake).

Dd has been playing up this evening - I hope to goodness it's just normal toddler behaviour and not because of what is happening between dh and me.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 17:49

Xpost - yes it's me not letting him back until I'm ready

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 05/05/2015 17:52

You are such a wonderful mum!
Well if he is not Aspie that it is easier for you to decide in some sense. If you leave him you will not feel bad . (There is also a tiny weeny bit of hope that he will be able to comprehend that he has issues and deal with them).
Did DD talk about her dad?
Good Night

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 17:55

Oh they all act up at that age, little monkey x

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 18:12

Dd did ask for her daddy, but only after I shouted at her for throwing crockery Confused

She's had some tea and we're now friends again. She's currently sat in the bath quite happily splashing so not all is bad.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 18:20

They are so funny

Ds offered me some chocolate tonight, I said no thanks my body is a temple, he replied " are temples big?" Humph I am poking a hole in his sleeping bag!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 18:23

You could just get him some very chloriney tasting water purifying tabs Wink

OP posts:
MrsFring · 05/05/2015 18:27

FFS! Can we stop calling men with questionable behaviour autistic! Just stop it!

DustBunnyFarmer · 05/05/2015 18:28

I'm reeling still from the revelations. The man that has emerged over the last few months bears no resemblance to the man he was before. I don't know where the real him is but I want to make sure that I have explored all of this with him in a safe space before I make a firmer decision about our future.

I have been reading 'Don't sweat the small stuff' by Richard Carlson and your post above reminded me of this line: "circumstances don't make a person, they reveal him or her". It's in a chapter about not blaming others and taking responsibility for our choices and actions. It strikes me that, faced with temptation, your husband turned out to be the kind of person who gives into it. A lack of insight or remorse suggests he might do the same again, whereas you come across as the kind of person who wouldn't. Are you compatible long term?

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 18:57

Dustbunny, exactly.

Im of the opinion these men have just let this part of their personality out to play, that it was always there, just waiting for the opportunity to surface.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 19:35

Dust and Weebirdie - certainly something to ponder.

In some ways we are very similar - crave excitement and take risks but I've always satisfied that side of my personality with sport and travelling type adventures (and have enough stories to last a lifetime). Right now I haven't been getting that type of adrenaline fix but it's not an itch that need to be scratched right now.

I just never thought he would give in to that kind of temptation to get his fix. I thought we had the same set of morals and there's been no previous indications that we were so far apart. I'm really racking my brains but nothing has caught my attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 19:36

If he had said he was bored and we needed to bring back some adventure and excitement I would have understood. And I would have organised a trip away.

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Vivacia · 05/05/2015 19:53

Thank you MrsFring I was just about to make a similar point.

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 19:55

Thank you MrsFring I was just about to make a similar point.

It happens so often I just ignore it now.

MrsFring · 05/05/2015 20:08

Sorry for a brief de-rail OP but I'm so fucking tired of this ill- informed insulting shit! Just pack it in!

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 20:09

I think people will have got the message Mrsfring.

MaMaof04 · 05/05/2015 20:14

Didn't mean to hurt anyone- just her story reminded me of Aldous Huxley book.
Besides I just read that if anything Aspies are very loyal partners.

MsPavlichenko · 05/05/2015 20:32

yes it's me not letting him back until I'm ready

Is he aware that this is what you are thinking? Or have you told him to go with no guarantees?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 20:33

I think it's probably best not to refer to people as Aspies, people are not defined by the condition they have. The person is first, the condition second

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 20:45

Agreed on everything re Aspergers/autism. As you were and all that.

I have asked him to leave for the next couple of months or more to let emotions calm down before making any bigger decisions. He has a flat that he has the basics for. I'm certainly not going to let him back until I'm comfortable that we are on the road to recovery. Which we are far from right now.

He hasn't told his sister the whole truth. I have filled her in a little more on how close he seemed to be to leaving us which was probably a silly thing to do but heh ho. I am not being naive about blood being thicker than water but I have told her I don't want to lose her friendship, and that she will always be family because of dd.

My friend earlier said that he seems to be taking the easy way out. This seems to be true at every single opportunity to face up to what he has been doing. I never thought he was a coward but it seems he is. It's like he's built a whole house of cards over the last few months and I'm watching it teeter and tumble before crashing down.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 20:51

A bit disappointing that he wasn't honest with his sister. What was her response to you?

Sometimes the lasting damage isn't caused by the affair itself but by how they handle the fall out

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 20:51

I would fill his families ears with everything there is to know. Not out of vindictiveness, just for the fact that people (family) cannot help you if they don't know whats what.

My husbands family, my beloved eldest SIL in particular, has been the utmost support to me and I know they are behind me and my children 100%.

Do not be economical with the truth.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 21:14

I put her right about a few of the more major facts - she is in no doubt about the extent of his betrayal. She was hugely supportive toward me and like me can't equate his behaviour with the man we know.

It didn't feel right being at my parents and feeling like I had to hide from her. Time will tell I guess, however I have every intention of staying friends with her.

His behaviour so far hasn't given me any comfort and I'm continuing to work on my letter to him. It isn't going to be very pretty!

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 21:21

Keep working on your letter, it is giving you something to focus on and I think you will feel better when you have read it to him

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 05/05/2015 22:12

It definitely is stopping me brood!

It's getting quite long, but to paraphrase:
Our marriage was ok
You were weak and fell at the first hurdle
You are in complete denial and are minimising the impact of your actions
Your counsellor is shit
Grow up and grow a pair or I will leave

OP posts: