Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

I wonder whether he's ever actually had to present a range of emotions in his life before. Its like a child - there's no shades of understanding or empathy. There's no subtlety that comes with maturity.

I'd expect a man of 39 to have some insight into the effects of his behaviour. JackW is right, set your boundaries and take all the time you need. He's not your responsibility at the moment and, like on one my teenagers, seems to be doing his utmost to pin the blame on you. Don't for a moment believe that.

Thanks all. Lots of thinking.

I think I'm going to really push back on me having my own space - it's not helping me seeing him and just brings me down.

I think one of the things I want is for him to have his own set of personal epiphanies and I am going to be really frustrated if he isn't having them at the same pace as I am. I wanted a long cooling off period to give us both time to think.

Meanwhile he emailed me last night. I said to him last night that he hadn't even said he was sorry, and now overnight I have had that apology in an email followed by stuff about dd.

He thinks the apology should be just about the affair, but the things I keep getting really angry about are all of the little incidents at home where he disrespected me or did something really selfish without considering me. It was like I was staring at him open mouthed in astonishment that he was behaving so out of character, and now I have the explanations. I haven't spelled this out yet.

I'm seeing the counsellor again next Monday and I wonder if I should suggest that we see her together in the session after that so I can explain to him in a neutral environment all of this.

Grrr.

Back to today. I can hear dd "reading" a story to her beloved granny. Dad is coming later. We can do Sunday papers, playing with dd, admiring the garden and I have a little lump of beef to cook which also means Yorkshire puds.

Does a grown man really need it spelling out that when his cheated on wife asks for space to think, how big a deal it is that she gets it?

Of course they need it spelling out. He was selfish enough to have an affair because he's only got his own wellbeing in mind so he's hardly going to appreciate the OP needing her space if it isnt best for him.

Certainly worth discussing. You could explain till you are blue in the face, of course and he won't necessarily "get it" if he chooses not to.

Offering an apology, after prompting is not very encouraging. Hopefully he might now start acting sorry too.

Hope you have a more relaxing day overall.

He had said I wasn't letting him communicate. Oh I don't know. We're now 2 weeks in and he hasn't passed with flying colours yet, however this in my head is a 2 month test. Although he doesn't know it that way. And at the end of 2 months I'll make another decision - either I need more time or I make a move to start reconciling or I make a decision to cut my losses and move on.

I would talk it through with your counselor first, tell her what you hope to achieve from a joint session and ask her how she would handle it

Tbh I sometimes feel counsellors can be so wishy washy and leave you both feeling a bit confused

If it were me I would need to detail all the incidences in the last six months that had upset me. I would say to him that I wanted to see him and that I wanted to talk to him about why I was feeling the way that I was. I would tell him that at the moment this was a one sided conversation and it was up to him to listen, he then would have to leave me in peace ( completely) and he needed to go away and think seriously about everything I had said

I would tell him that we could meet in three weeks ( totally no contact in between) and he could tell me what conclusions he had come to

Tomato are you progressing in yr thinking? 2 months seems an arbitrary length of time for this, it's hard to know in advance how long you need. But I think you should tell him this so that he stops waiting for a more immediate outcome.
If you do seperate, then the times dd is with him now will also give you an insight into how you feel about being apart from dd regularly & how you cope with that
Just an observation, but you have quite an unusual take on this - from what I have seen from friends & on MN - most women want their husbands to do lots of explaining - even if they never quite get the answers they seek or get peace from this...

Christina - thank you - both good ideas.

Ocelot - it's not that I don't want to talk and talk but it's also really painful and I want to have a clear head when I'm talking rather than just asking questions about the same old. When we're both angry I'm not sure I would either get the real truth or be calm enough to take it in. Ultimately I'm not sure it benefits either of us.

I want to take the emotion out right now. If we are able to work this through there will be plenty of time to ask the questions.

I've always retreated into myself when I'm struggling with things - and so I'm reverting to my default coping mechanisms. Before I can deal with him I have to sort myself out first.

I wouldn't have him in any joint counselling session till much further down the line. You are giving him way too much way too soon.

I think , at the moment, he is just looking for a quick fix. I think he needs to appreciate how badly he has hurt you, I don't think counseling will work for him until he shows some remorse and humility....he has to show a chink in his armor

Why is he angry? If he doesn't feel he's getting enough time with DD what does he propose might help that? He has no right to be angry about you taking some time before discussing things with him (it's only been a couple of weeks!), or having to move out of the house.

He does, of course, have the option to attend counselling by himself! You might at some stage decide to have joint counselling, but it seems a bit soon.

I'd thought that by going to the counsellor it could be a space for me to express to him exactly how hurt I am. You see it's not just him having the affair but the way he behaved to me throughout that time. And the apology I had last night was just for the affair.

And until I can somehow communicate that to him I don't think he will get the full extent of how betrayed and hurt I am. And that side of things has only really come to me since I confronted him rather than before.

I think you need an opportunity to tell him all of this, he needs to understand what is going on with you and I think you need to get it all out

Yes Christina - which is why I thought I would go to see the counsellor on my own next Monday and then the following Monday use the session to tell him all of that, in a way that I can get it out and he has to listen to me. I don't think email is the right forum and I don't know if I could handle the conversation on my own.

Hello Tomato. I also go into myself when I am dealing with stuff. I have always found it really cathartic to write stuff down. Whether just for myself or ultimately to the person involved. It brings clarity and relief and allows for reflection. You are very right to avoid an emotionally charged confrontation/conversation. Christina's suggestion of a one sided conversation is excellent and you do need to get it all out. If it took form of a letter, he couldn't forget or mentally change a point. Over the period of his thinking he would have a tangible 'conversation' for him to think about.

Duck - I don't know why he's angry. I suspect the frustration is being misdirected. But his default setting has always been to fight first and then draw back and think.

Oops cross post

Yes writing it down really helps. I've written a poem too which helped express some of the emotion. When I have more time on my own I suspect another poem or two might come out.

Tomato in an ideal world he should know that he has a hell of a lot more than the affair to apologise for and he should be bending over backwards to do all you ask and to show you how sorry he is for everything. But in an ideal world he would not have had the affair in the first place and all of the other incidents wouldn't have happened either.

I think it is important that you have time and space away from him to think through everything. However, you might find that telling him exactly how hurt and betrayed you are and how you feel about everything he has done and really spell it out to him is of benefit to you.

Perhaps, as Christina suggests, you could arrange a meeting and make it clear that it is for you to talk and him to listen and he must respect that. Perhaps tell him he can have five minutes when you have finished. Make it clear before you speak to him that you then want space and time after you have talked to him and that you want him to spend that time understanding how much he has hurt and betrayed you. That the hard work must come from him because he has worked that out for himself. Make it clear to him that there is a chance that you might take him back but you will ONLY do that if he respects your wishes and proves to you that he is worthy of another chance.

I would guess that he is struggling with the lack of communication because he feels that the only way he can persuade you to take him back and how sorry he is will be because he needs to talk to you and he sees it that you are not giving him the chance to do that.

Iwas - yes I think you might be right. Your last para has certainly hit a nerve with what he has been saying.

Right I must start paying attention to lunch, mum and dd xx