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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 08:23

Thanks upthe - yes it's the bad times I fear for with him. Thank you for sharing your story - there are a lot of similarities.

I have a little snuffly interloper still asleep in my bed - she's had a bad night for some reason so I have too. The sun is shining here too. When she wakes I need to get a wriggle on getting her ready for dh and then mum and I are tackling the garden together.

I have some tomato seeds. I'm going to grow tomatoes again for the first time in a couple of years (I decided if I could successfully raise tomatoes I could be trusted with a baby, hence my name).

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 08:24

Crappy mags get my vote. Grazia is my secret habit.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 02/05/2015 08:33

I am in in way reading about Kanye/ Kim/ Bruce Jenner!

That's sounds like a lovely day. Tomato plants always remind me of my grandparents from porch, they always had them growing

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 08:56

I didn't know porch was a place?!

My beloved granny had a greenhouse full every year. I don't think I'll reach those dizzy heights but a couple of pots will do me this year.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 02/05/2015 08:57

Front! Bloody iPad

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 09:03
Grin
OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 02/05/2015 11:51

Aww... what a lovely story. Does this mean that DD is 'piccolo' tomato? Grin

arowhena · 02/05/2015 13:27

Tomato, have you seen the jazz club sketch from "The Fast Show"... I dedicate this to your STBXH

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 13:29

Yes I suppose she is Grin

The front garden now looks nice. Now onto the back, sorting it all out and then getting my nice daisies into pots and then my little tomato seeds.

Hope you are all having a good weekend so far.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 02/05/2015 16:13

Thanks for that Arowhena. Guilty chuckle here.

We have rain. Lots of it. But my sofa is comfy and I have a good book.

wideboy26 · 02/05/2015 16:48

If I may be permitted a pedantic interjaculation, your DD would be 'piccola' tomato as she is feminine. Hope this helps.

wideboy26 · 02/05/2015 16:53

But then again, the Italian word for tomato is masculine so, strictly speaking, 'piccolo' would be right. As you were.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 20:06

Oh crap I just did a massive post and it's been lost.

Just to say the YouTube clip was niiiiiice and made me smile

Pedantry on my thread is welcome. Innit.

I'm utterly spent. Had a successful day sorting out the garden but it all went downhill when dh brought dd home. Basically he's going to start giving her tea at his flat. I'm utterly miserable about the whole situation and he's trying to accuse me of not letting him see dd which is a whole pile of shit in itself.

I just hope it gets easier because if it doesn't I don't think I'll be able to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 20:16

Oh and on the plus side he has piled on the weight recently (having worked really hard to lose it since his first Italy trip) whereas I've dropped a few pounds.

And I promise I've been eating regular and healthy meals.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 02/05/2015 20:38

Good that you had fun in the garden. Bad, that you are down again. Why is the tea an issue? Did you suggest something else ?

If so, it is probably another attempt to reassert control and unsettle you, so try not to let it (easy to say, I know). He is almost certainly, gobsmacked at how you've dealt with it all, and is struggling with not being in charge any more.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/05/2015 20:40

He is not being at all conciliatory, is he? No contrition, no humbleness, no - sorry I made us go through this....nothing?

He really sounds incredibly arrogant.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 20:47

No contrition. At all. Apparently it's my fault because I won't communicate with him.

He has given dd tea here at home this evening but quite frankly it didn't work for anyone. He's going to do it at his flat from now on.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 02/05/2015 21:13

Well, that may be better in the meantime for your DD. Do you think he is suggesting it for her benefit, or to provoke a response. And, how do you know that it is all your fault if he is respecting your wishes to not talk at handover?

More space, and not having him in your house is the way to go IMO. It is already proving problematic. Let him really get on with being on his own, and looking after DD on his own too. And really manage without seeing/talking to you. Which he is still doing.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 21:25

Mum and I went out when he came back with dd, stayed away for 2 hours and then when we came back I went to my room to stay away. He came to talk to me about contact. And then it all started kicking off between us again. So yes I think it's better he stays away and we resume our email contact.

I'd been feeling really good and had a real sense of achievement having done the garden and then seeing him has just put me back. And going out earlier all I could see was happy little families whilst I was breaking inside.

Anyway there's nothing on tele so i might just head to bed. Hopefully I won't have my little visitor tonight.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 02/05/2015 21:50

Tomato, its normal even years down the line for those of us who make the decision to seperate to miss being part of a couple or traditional family.

I have a bit of a health thing going on just now and the first day I drove away from the hospital I missed not going home to my husband and getting some comfort from him.

Im over it now though but I just wanted to tell you - its normal to feel the way you did today when you saw families out and about and its no indication that you want your husband back.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 02/05/2015 22:01

Weebirdie I hope you're ok.

Seeing all those people just made me angry and sad. I have been having a real pity party which is why I am better off in bed. I work hard, I do my best, I try really hard to treat others well. I don't deserve this. And nobody else does either.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 02/05/2015 22:45

That comment about seeing all the happy families really takes me back to when I felt like that. My marriage break up wasn't my decision and I remember the anger and grief I felt that I didn't have that little family group anymore.
It's not unlike the grief you feel when someone dies, because it is a death in it's own way, the death of your dream of your future and how it would be.
Remember though that all those 'happy families' are not necessarily all living the dream and plenty of them will have their own issues.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/05/2015 22:52

Nothing wrong with a pity party occasionally, Tomato - we all have them, and god knows you have more than enough reason

Concerning the "tea at dad's" I'd like to think he suggested it as something nice for DD, but can't help feeling it was more likely to be an attempt to get a rise out of you - in any case I doubt he'd keep the arrangement up for long

Yet again his utter lack of remorse and determination to blame you speaks volumes. I'd say that it's a shame the way things happened today, but actually I believe he's done you a favour if it's encouraged you to return to email contact only; it's becoming very clear that this man's effect on your life is irredeemably toxic

Jackw · 02/05/2015 23:28

This is my first time posting on your thread although I have been reading but didn't feel I had anything useful to contribute that others haven't already said. But I am struck by his attitude this evening.

You have not said that it is over between you. You have asked him to give you some space to think things over. You have made it clear that it is possible that after this period of separation, you may be able to see your way to working on being a couple again.

But he is angry with you because you don't want to communicate during this period when he is supposed to be giving you space to think. Is that correct?

I don't think he gets it at all. My advice is to explain (again!) very clearly that you do not wish to communicate at the moment because you need time to think and that this is not an unreasonable request and that he needs to respect your need for some thinking time.

At the moment he seems to be failing the test very badly but to be fair to him he probably didn't know that this was a test. He needs to understand in no uncertain terms how important this is to you.

For yourself, I don't think you can think things through properly if he's in your home every day while you hide in the bedroom. He can give DD her tea and then drop her home (at the door) for you to do bedtime, or you can do a more conventional every other weekend and one night in the week. Otherwise, I think it is just going to be torture for you. You'll make the effort to have nice positive days and then be crushed every evening.

iwashappy · 03/05/2015 00:19

Thank you Tomato for your sympathy.

I am pleased you have had a nice day in your garden but very sorry that you have been feeling down again since you saw him.

He is not really helping himself with his attitude is he. Nothing about this is your fault, he should be respecting your wishes not criticising how you are dealing with this.

If he is so bothered about communication perhaps he should have thought about communicating his thoughts to you when he was contemplating having an affair and before he actually did anything.

I am so very sorry he is not behaving in a way that inspires you with confidence that you can work things out. After what he has done he should be grateful that you are even giving him the opportunity to prove to you that he is worthy of you giving him another chance. He should be snatching your hand off and doing anything you ask to prove how sorry he is.

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