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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 01/05/2015 21:32

Just catching up and pleased to see you're OK. You sound relaxed at being home, despite so many changes. There's almost a sense of freedom in your words - your plans, your lovely home, your shopping, cooking, etc. Some of this has been sorely needed, without your DH's revelations.

Sorry Tomato, but he doesn't sound as though he's been a great DH to you for sometime. Great to have likes and dislikes about food/décor etc, but when your ponceyness becomes a whip to control your DW, there is something wildly wrong with your sense of normality.

His affair has been another facet of this kind of entitled behaviour Sad.

Great to be making your home your own. Just when you need Woolworths for some household artwork - its not there for you!!Grin. Ikea does really good prints for everyday use and if you want, plaster them over every wall, you go girl!

Something about you tells me that you won't be lonely. You may have times when you are sad, lose the will etc. but you have an inner strength which will make you seek out the best for your DD and that will throw you into the midst of loads of activities and friendship groups. Things will get better.

As for the photos he has on his PC. Whichever way this goes, if you do have a solicitor involved at some point, I wonder if these issues could be addressed at that stage?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 21:55

Thank you never.

Honestly this whip of his ponceyness has only come out since the affair started. I've been looking back at photos from the months before and I was really happy then. We were larking around taking photos all 3 of us on several occasions and having fun. And he and I had fun together. We were a good match.

It was as if she and her sophisticated Italian ways threw a spotlight on the happy cozy home we had created together and he found wanting. I was always overcooking the pasta, or using the wrong risotto rice (!) or my taste in music was wrong (it isn't, I just hate jazz, it makes my ears hurt) or I liked watching a bit of fun on TV, or God forbid I'd want to watch something like Wolf hall and actually enjoy it (I love a bit of Tudor history). I think I'm just a bit of a quintessential English girl.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 01/05/2015 22:01

I think he was angry at himself but taking it out on you. In his warped way he was also trying to justify it..." Look how awful she is, no wonder I am cheating "

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 22:06

Hi Christina - sorry I missed your post. I'm going to use dh's time with dd/her time in nursery to get back to doing hot yoga which made me feel amazing. I've got a few friends around who I'll be able to call on once I've got a bit more settled. I don't trust myself around drink just yet but I have some lovely friends who will be doing their best to get me drunk and laugh at the consequences Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 22:20

Yes I think he was. My issue that I need to understand is that I just internalised it and rather than saying to him "what the fuck are you doing" I just blamed myself and tried even harder to do things the right way that would make him happy.

In hindsight this was just stupid because he would never have been satisfied. It was like he was going out of his way to ruin nice days out or special days just so that we couldn't be happy and he could justify his great love affair.

And this is one of the reasons I have been so angry.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/05/2015 22:36

I just blamed myself and tried even harder to do things the right way that would make him happy

Oh yes ... yes ... how well I recognise that attempt to eat away at your personality, eventually blaming the "shell" they've created as justification for their affairs. It's just so fortunate that you never reached that broken-down stage, but this is exactly what I meant about how it can turn out

About the password - I realise it's the photos you're sorry about, but I very much doubt they're all he wants to keep from you; goodness only knows what else he has on that account Hmm

I totally agree with others that you're going to come through this brilliantly, and as for your idea about the IKEA pictures ... works for me!!! Grin

Nevergrowingup · 01/05/2015 22:42

I like the fact that you know you were happy before he went Italian. You know deep in your heart that you had happy days together, had fun and have the proof in the photos.

Being successful in his business has made him a very attractive prospect. And of course he has been flattered that this woman made herself available and mirrored the success he felt he was. Cue lots of sudden changes of taste, preferences and loss of tolerance of everything that was good in his life. The guilt has been enormous and you became the unwitting target of his naivety.

But... there is always the 'no' word and his inability to put his family before his own needs is something he now needs to deal with. Not you you've done nothing wrong - nothing. He needs to 're-purpose' his ego and rekindle his love of the good things in life - the things you can't buy.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 22:55

That's exactly it. He had undermined me night after night and then eventually turned around and told me that we had nothing in common any more. I just think that I no longer trusted my own opinions and wants/needs.

And fuck him. There's lots I like doing, it just doesn't happen to be his stuff, and he's always expressed his disapproval or dislike so I've never done it with him since. Whereas I've learned to appreciate what he likes. Except jazz.

And I'm pissed off about that too. And I'm cross with myself for letting it slide.

Anyways I have my lovely dd, my cat, my amazing parents and for now I am reclaiming my house. At some point I'm going to get back to work which I think will help with finding myself again.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 23:00

Never - how do you know this stuff? You are spot on. I don't think he thought he was a success until recently. It's gone straight to his head. The one which doesn't think.

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/05/2015 23:16

It doesn't sound as if you truly "lost yourself" at all, Tomato - although maybe all the wonderful things you are got a bit buried under his crap? Frankly you're sounding stronger in every post, especially now you have your own home back again

Of course there'll be bad days too, but honestly - among the natural sadness, don't you treasure this space to be yourself? Wouldn't you like to invite your lovely friends round without having to wonder what his attitude would be? Might you not fancy spending time doing silly things and eating silly stuff minus disapproving glances?

You can have it ALL if you choose ...

Nevergrowingup · 01/05/2015 23:23

Sadly, I've seen too many people like this - through work and through life Grin.

In the middle of the IT boom, I worked for a large corporation. Loads of young men and women in a company growing uber-fast, loads of cash swilling around, high salaries, expense accounts and huge amounts of travel. All of a sudden, decent blokes with wives and DCs found themselves in situations they could only have dreamed of. They were earning enough to give their families a good lifestyle while putting in lots of 'overtime' shagging in erm... pursuit of new business.

There were always willing sycophants hanging on to their every word. They thought they were invincible but they were not.

Your DH has had a taste of that "out of body experience" - the have it all and then have a bit more for good measure. He might be successful in business but if he's not careful, he will start to lose respect of those around him. Before all of this, he came as a package - a family man with a beautiful family, the world in his hands. Now he is laid bare as an adulterer, a liar. Does his partner know who he is in business with any more?

If your DH acts swiftly and with honesty, he can salvage something from this. I hope he is growing a pair.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 23:28

Yes - there is a bit of a sense of relief. He's been such a brooding presence it's been doing my head in.

Do you know? When I next have friends round I will do a big pot of something, plonk it in the table, open wine and not have to worry about hosting.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 23:34

Never - you've hit it on the head with his business too. His partner is a BIG family man, as in leaves at 5 on the dot to do bathtime every day, no social life outside of family. Loyalty is massive for the team. And I've been working there now and again, and so they know me. I think he's pretty terrified of the impact on his work.

Hey ho. It would be awful if one of his sordid emails accidentally got sent around the team. Wouldn't it?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/05/2015 23:35

When I next have friends round I will do a big pot of something, plonk it in the table, open wine and not have to worry about hosting

Sounds like bliss ... can we all come??!!! Wink

MsPavlichenko · 01/05/2015 23:36

And fuck him. There's lots I like doing, it just doesn't happen to be his stuff, and he's always expressed his disapproval or dislike so I've never done it with him since. Whereas I've learned to appreciate what he likes. Except jazz.

This, Was this just during the pre/affair? If not, then something to consider if you are able to move forward together.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 23:36

I would LOVE to have you round xx

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 23:40

MrsPav - yes, I need to consider. A lot of what I did got lost when I had dd - it wasn't just his influence but hers too. I've always put my needs below everyone else's. And I need to reclaim my space a bit more.

Anyway I have to get to bed. Night all and sweet dreams xx

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 01/05/2015 23:47

Whereas I've learned to appreciate what he likes. Except jazz.

Some thing are just too big an ask.

Glad to hear you sounding so strong, Tomato.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 23:52

I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever like jazz. It physically hurts when it is playing. To my mind it's self absorbed egotistical tuneless shite. And dh knows my feelings but constantly says "if you just listen to it properly you will appreciate it" and "it's such a shame we can't go to jazz clubs together."

And breathe.

Btw dd is now awake and insisting I stay with her until she goes to sleep which is why I'm still arsing around on here.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 01/05/2015 23:55

It physically hurts when it is playing

I hear you sister.

Duckdeamon · 02/05/2015 07:30

"If you listen to it properly you'll appreciate it" Hmm

saffronwblue · 02/05/2015 07:33

Your H sounds as if he is quite insecure and desperate to be up with the cool kids in his décor and music choices. I wonder how you can leverage that insecurity...

UptheAnty · 02/05/2015 07:52

Tomatoe

I have been in a similar situation to you and I have to say I greatly admire and respect how you are handling yourself.
My DH didn't have sex but that doesn't make him any less of a liar and a cheat.
Time frame is quite similar- behavior at home toward me, very critical and I was so confused, like you my self esteem was on the floor.
He had his head turned by his important job and the fancy people he was coming into contact with, his ego was quite enormous.
I felt quite matronly and exempt from his life a side his person that was worthless and unimpressive.
I've come to understand several things.
I was going through a difficult time and we had marriage problems (unlike you) beforehand. I am very strong and have always been at the helm of his career and our life. The problem is when I'm not Confused.
Despite everything he needs me way more than I need him.
He has made a collosel fool of himself.
As has your dh.
Quite frankly, it's embarressing.
I'm willing to bet your dh is cold and distant because he realizes this and is afraid you will.
What you've got to ask yourself is this,
Are you able to live your life with a man who may be unable to put his family first when it counts?
And I don't mean when things are good.... I mean when things are bad and it really counts.
He is weak.
You are strong, you've just reminded him of that fact and he's shitting himself.
Wine Respect

UptheAnty · 02/05/2015 07:54

Blush sorry for the typo

And I mean it's embarrassing for them not us.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 02/05/2015 08:02

Saturday morning ... It's sunny, I have strong coffee, crappy magazines er reading material and Ds has jumped in for a snuggle... Perfect ... What you up to tomato?