Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Resist emailing OW! You would probably regret it. Write it or type it in Word (not email just in case you're tempted) if that helps but don't send!

Ok duck. I will sit on my hands.

I have better things to do later - he will be taking the laptop and I need to save all of the photos onto a memory stick or something, and clear the history, and change my email password just in case it automatically logs in as me.

Dont email her, its bad enough that you've had your husbands penis as a point of contact with her let alone bring her into your life in any other way.

Just try to rise above her and not only because if she's aware of whats going on she'll be expecting you to contact her and by not doing so she'll not really know what to make of it all.

Hope your day goes well, and you enjoy your shopping!

I'm sorry he is being so called, but agree with previous posters. He is attempting to frighten you in the hope you'll quickly re engage with his narrative.

This is another reason why low/no contact is preferable. Every time you see him, he pushed right into your head. If he's cold, if he's friendly it it's all something to speculate/worry about instead of concentrating on you and what you are thinking.

Your DD will be fine, she will become aware her Dad is living elsewhere, him not seeing her in the house will not (IMO) be damaging. She might however pick up on any anxiety/atmosphere in the house when he is there. Especially when your DM goes home. Plus it really will not do him any harm to have a real sense of what it would actually be like to be separated, and to deal with your DD all on his own, away from her house. If, for example she has a meltdown when he is in the house can you really stay away? And as for you going out, I'd be wary of leaving him alone in the house at this stage. You have no reason to trust him at all at the moment.

As others have said, he is not coming across at all well at the moment. You, despite it all, are doing amazingly well.

Ok. I'm listening about the low/no contact.

And I have fixed the heating!! Yay!!!! I methodically went round each element and realised the thermostat display wasn't working, changed the batteries and voila! Problem solved. By me.

Brilliant re heating. Well Dine You!

Done even!

Hey, missy, well done on sorting out the heating. So, that's a callout fee you've saved, plus the cost of 'parts', so is there something you fancy buying? How about a piece of jewellery, something beautiful?

He's being cold because he's compartmentalising. It's convenient. For him. You know, you could file for divorce. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it. His reaction might speak volumes though.

Don't email her. Nothing that can be printed out and waved at you to prove you have been 'unreasonable'...

Tomato I was in a similar situation to you not that long ago. My husband was having an affair, I found out, he was sorry and ended it with OW and tried to persuade me to give him another chance.

So I was were you are now, trying to work out if I wanted to try to forgive him and if I did could I forgive him. Could I trust him, could I get past what he had done. Did I want my marriage to change to the extent that I would be anxious every time he wasn't in the house, every time he had a text. Could I live like that, was he worth it.

In the end the decision made itself rather quicker than I thought it would because I found out that cheating wasn't as out of character for him as I thought it was. I am not suggesting this is the case in your situation just explaining why my own decision was made when it was.

I know in time I would have made the same decision regardless of his history, because the betrayal was too big and ultimately I didn't want to be married to a cheat and a liar. He thought it was acceptable to go to bed with another woman; I didn't.

I spent hours trying to fathom out what his demeanour meant. Analysing everything he said and told me. What I have learnt is that how he acts and what he says isn't the most important thing. To have an affair he has to be quite good at portraying himself differently so him being cold towards you means nothing. He might be that way because it's genuinely how he feels, it might be the way he wants to portray himself to you at that moment because he wants to manipulate you to feel a certain way or because he thinks that is how you want him to be. So don't waste your time overthinking everything about him because it doesn't mean anything at this stage.

What is important is how you feel. Base what you do on your feelings, your instincts. If at some point, next week, next month, three months, whatever timescale feels right for you then his feelings and actions are important.

I think you are doing so well, you sound very strong and quite together which will stand you in good stead. x

A new career as a heating engineer..woo hoo!! x

Hi Tomato, I would also say don't leave him in the house alone, you cannot trust him at the moment, plus do you really want him in your territory. He needs to feel what it will be like down the track if you decide not to reconcile, if he's in your space, you are not getting the "space" you've asked for.

And he was so cold this evening ... I think he just expected me to roll over ... I am feeling how tough it is going to be to stay strong and aloof and not give in and ask him to just start being nice again

And here again is his obvious arrogance; instead of showing real regret he somehow feels you should be punished for daring to stand up to him. After all he chose you, didn't he? He said you were "a compromise" but still did you this massive favour of selecting you, and now you can't even be grateful?? What a graceless, utterly unprincipled bastard

Yes you'll feel awful at the moment, but at least that will come to a natural end - you'll adapt and so will your lovely DD. Do remember that trying to make it work could involve years of mental anguish, only for him to cheat again once he'd "got away with it," leading to yet more grief at a time when he's damaged you even further. The big question - indeed the absolutely crucial point is: is it worth it??

Oh, and a huge "well done" over the boiler!!

Don't email ow.

She is shit on your shoe. She won't give you any comfort. She has zero moral compass.

Don't let her know she matters to you.

What matters is you and your h and how you sort this. She's just nothing. A nothing.

Hope you have had a nice time with your Mum at the Garden centre. I totally agree with Fontella about you shouldn't feel rejected. I was just wondering though, you said that you didn't say a word to eachother. Is there the chance that he was taking his cue how to interact from you as he could have taken the no contact other than about dd very very literally? (Would have thought he could have managed hello and goodbye though.)

Happy gardening.

Lots to think about.

He could be taking his cue from me, or he could just be heartless. I have no idea. I feel totally unable to read him, and I used to be able to read him so well, before all this started.

On the plus side, I have a new pretty set of bedding, have ordered material to make dd some curtains, and mum is currently trying on a new tennis outfit. I'm going to book a massage when I get home and we are then up to the garden centre so something to do tomorrow.

And then I'm going to stop spending money. Easy as that is though.

I think it's going to be tough getting him out of my head. Right now I feel like I need to obsess over it all to work it through, until the point I am utterly bored of myself. And then I can move on.

Iwas - I'm so sorry you found out your husband was such a lowlife.

Another day done, have you go things planned for the weekend?

Indeed another day done. I've gone a bit nuts recently shopping but I think this is it now (for the time being at least!)

I seem to be on a mission to get the house straight and the garden looking pretty - so I'm halfway through an ironing mountain, my new bedding is on the line, and I have the goodies lined up to make the garden nice tomorrow. I meant to book a massage for tomorrow too but forgot

So mum and I are tackling the garden tomorrow whilst dd is with dh, and then on Sunday dad is arriving and I am cooking some kind of roast for everyone. And I'm going to mix my parsnips with my potatoes again

It's actually a real relief cooking for people who appreciate my food. Dd is just fussy, and dh is such a food snob that my food is always done a little bit wrong or I've mixed ingredients which can't possibly go together.

Mum was very ill a few years ago and since then she needs to be fed but can't get excited about food. It feels nice to be able to take over the cooking and look after both of my parents in a small way.

I actually think that dh stopped being interested in food for the family since the affair started and cooking fell 100% on my shoulders, but he would then turn his nose up at everything. And that just made me feel rubbish. So now it's nice to be a little bit appreciated again.

Do you know tomato I think you may start to enjoy this time on your own

It doesn't sound as if things have been particularly nice at home for a while, now you can relax and concentrate on just pleasing you

I went for a hot stone today, it was lovely x

Bless you Christina. I'm so pleased you enjoyed your hot stone.

Yes I think I will be able to relax. I'm worried I will feel lonely but I guess there any no point in worrying too much about the future. I have been feeling very lonely in the last few months. But now... At least I will feel lonely in a pretty house!!

Xx

I remember when me and my husband went to Thailand and we had a couples hot stone massage. Part of it was a stroke that was like a bit of a slap and I can remember him wakening up when he was slapped shouting what did I do, what did I do?

I thought he knew what he'd done

Tomato, Im feeling very excited at the thought of what you have planned.

Weebirdie

I'm now intrigued about what a hot stone thingy is. I'm going to have a nice normal massage in the next day or two, but when I next get the opportunity I will have a hot stone. And think of you both.

I have to say I'm looking forward to making home feel like mine. I'm looking at this piece of art dh bought and thinking I might go to ikea and buy a replacement. The most reproduced, generic image that I can find. Which would really piss him off

Ikea has a lovely HUGE picture of a London bus ??. When we left UK we contemplated buying it as a souvenir of our time in England.

what you just said about being lonely... You will have your DD and lovely parents, you will be alone, which is very different IME. Feeling lonely in a relationship is awful and you might feel better to be alone and in charge. Your story has made me very aware that shit happens out of the blue. I'm so sad for you, but at the same time you have also shown me what a strong proud woman can do. Sorry if that has come out a bit wrong. Glad you sorted your boiler by the way.

Thanks undeux. It really did come out of the blue. I'm day 13 done nearly.

And now I have some photos on my new memory stick ready to be printed tomorrow. All of dd and her friends or me

And password to my gmail is changed. Annoyingly as part of his drive to shut me out of his life dh changed the password to his account on the computer where the vast majority of our pictures are. I refuse to ask him for them now but I've just realised I don't have many picture of dd's early days.

Do you have anyone than can take dd an evening per week? Join a class, any nice gyms that have crèches, invite friend over, play dates and catch up with all the tv that you don't normally get a chance to watch

Try and plan a wee day out each weekend

Ps they normally don't thump you with the stones I think that was actually wee birdie doing that to dh......