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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 20:13

Flat

He's been and gone and we didn't say a word to each other.

And I think the central heating is broken but I can't see an immediate problem and buggered if I'm going to ask him to solve it.

Anyway mum and I have matching hoodies, a blanket, bellies full, hot tea and a battered cat for warmth. I'll sort out the heating tomorrow, hopefully.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 20:47

Battered cat?! Shock

Do you have a friendly neighbour who can sort the boiler of you. My DH fixes ours often so if youcan give us a clue I can ask him?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 20:56

My poor puss has clearly been scrapping.

Thank you for the kind offer. I'll have more of a poke around tomorrow and see whether I've missed anything obvious. I have the email address for our builder who knows there has been a suspicious drip if I need to get a man in.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 30/04/2015 21:35

Try rebooting the boiler.

But if you've got a leak somewhere DH couldn't fix it anyway. (Unless he's a plumber).

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 22:10

Thank you twinkle.

I have to say this evening was terribly difficult. I just feel so rejected.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 30/04/2015 22:13

He is unworthy of you. Try not to take on his betrayal as an indication of your worth. You are worth ten of him and deserve someone who sees it.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 22:17

I don't think I can ever trust again Hmm

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 30/04/2015 22:35

It's still early days, Tomato. Sorry for raising that as an issue. It really isn't important right now.

LondonRocks · 30/04/2015 22:42

You can trust. And hopefully will.

But not him!

Could it be the water pressure that's gone on your boiler?

Fontella · 30/04/2015 22:47

I just feel so rejected.

Just remember that if you hadn't found out what you did ... you would be completely unaware of your husband's unfaithfulness. There would be no sense of betrayal, rejection or anything else, because had your H had his way, you would have been completely oblivious until your dying day.

He didn't 'reject' you. From everything you told us, despite telling her they were soulmates, and discussing 'being together' he 'chose' you.

Incidentally the 'chose you' isn't meant to make you feel better or award your H any Brownie points, nor does it have any real significance in this whole scenario – it's merely to illustrate why your thoughts of 'rejection' are so far wide of the mark.

Right now .. it is your H who should be, and is, feeling rejected and rightly so. Because he is the one that put what you had, your shared lives, your child, home, history, family ... and all that entails, at risk. You only found out through a combination of instinct, luck, guile and chance and you have responded accordingly (and far better than most of us would in similar circumstances).

You have rejected his lies, you have rejected his excuses. You have rejected his platitudes and you have rejected his explanations.

He hasn't 'rejected' you. On the contrary, he wants you to forgive, forget, be grateful, move past, beyond, gloss over ... his betrayal, deceit and deception. It is you who have 'rejected' all of that.

And you think somehow that you are one who has been rejected?

LondonRocks · 30/04/2015 22:59

Too right, Fontella!

OP, you are kicking his sorry backside. You've taken control. He has none.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 22:59

I'm just feeling a bit blue. And cold!

I'm going to have a good crack tomorrow at that damn system and get it going again. If not I have a plan b and a plan c. And we still have hot water and a warm cat who loves a cuddle.

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 30/04/2015 23:02

Not surprising...

One thing I've done when the heating is kaput is to get small kids out the way and whack the oven on for a bit. Open the internal kitchen door and it might spread a bit of warmth for a while.

Get thee a hot water bottle, warm duvet (after warm shower). I hope you get some sleep, OP.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 23:06

Font you have just made me cry a little. You are right. I think.

It's being back in the house and remembering how awful he has been since the affair started. And he was so cold this evening.

I think he just expected me to roll over like my stupid cat does, and play happy families. I am feeling how tough it is going to be to stay strong and aloof and not give in and ask him to just start being nice again.

And I don't know how we get through the next few months without damaging dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 23:07

Thanks London for the tips. Am snuggled in bed now xx

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LondonRocks · 30/04/2015 23:08

Night night, love. We're cheering you on xx

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 23:10

I know. You're amazing xx

OP posts:
Fontella · 30/04/2015 23:21

Tomato

I don't want to come across as too old, cynical, sceptical and jaded .. but when I read threads like yours ... I can almost predict where they are going to go.

I don't mean that in any kind of clairvoyant sense, or know-it-all didactic confidence, but just 'knowing' in terms of the process, the thought process, the emotional process .. and to be fair to you, you have also anticipated that when you talked early on about the adrenaline / anger / other emotions driving your through the early stages, post-discovery, and wondering and waiting when the 'crash' might happen.

And now you have got 'the flat' And 'the flat' (and no I don't mean a single storey apartment) is probably the worst of all. It's just a void, empty, desolate ..... you can't cry, you can't laugh, you can't do anything, there's no energy, the object of your emotion is on hiatus or absence, and there's just this great big gaping fucking flat hole of nothingness.

On top of that your boiler isn't working, you're freezing, pissed off and 'flat'.

But tomorrow .. you know what? The sun is going to come up (even if it's going to be obscured by clouds) the world's going to turn, kids are going to go to school, people are going to catch trains and buses and drive to work, people are going to eat, all kinds of things in all kinds of places ... and your H is still going to be a cheating lying arsehole.

But unlike many on MN he isn't a cheating lying arsehole who has 'rejected' you. In that respect you are rather in the minority on here and a quick scan around of the thread will illustrate exactly that. He is a cheating lying arsehole who rather wants what he previously had, despite the 'soulmate, let's live together' passion of his extra-marital affair.

But it is you, who is going to determine whether or not he gets what he wants. And that's because you have dealt with this whole shitty business in a way that most of us can only be in awe of.

Rejection my arse!

Weebirdie · 01/05/2015 03:47

Tomato, the silence and coldness from your husband is to scare you and beat you down into submission. He is telling you to be careful. He is bullying you.

And re damaging your DD. It will be more damaging to your wee girl if you get back together with your husband for her sake and then live an unhappy life. She will only ever be as Ok as you are personally.

Justusemyname · 01/05/2015 07:22

Agreed. You haven't been rejected and why would you want such a spineless pathetic person as your husband for a minute longer anyway? My guinea pig has more decency.

You have your family and all of you behind and beside you. Who's he got?

Christinayangstwistedsister · 01/05/2015 07:45

I must admit I am kind of disappointed in his behavior, he really is come across as a true arse

How dare he be cold and diatant, because it isn't going his way, he should be first and foremost making sure you are okay...he put you here

What the fuck does he expect you to do?

Do you still have access to his email? I'm sorry to say this but I'm not sure if he wouldn't turn yo ow at this point....he needs to be told how wonderful he is

Go out and do something for you today , I have my hot stone booked in Wink

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 07:56

Thanks both.

So the sun HAS risen and I've slept well. I need to get a wriggle on so I can get dd to nursery, I'll have another look at this boiler and then mum and I are going out. We're getting curtain stuff for dd, bedding for me and then going to the garden shop to get some nice boys for our neglected garden.

Our poor neglected garden. It's dd's pride and joy and he has barely touched it since the affair started. This year it has been me slowly sorting it out. It's quite low maintenance but still needs the odd bit of love so I'm going to get some compost, some nice herbs and maybe a pretty Michaelmas daisy so I have something nice to look at.

I'm not seeing dh today so no need to deal with his shenanigans, dd will be fed at nursery so that's easy, and I think pizza is on the menu tonight. These are all good things.

Onwards and upwards. I refuse to be beaten by this.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/05/2015 08:14

Onwards and upwards tomato, have a great day.

Duckdeamon · 01/05/2015 08:50

If he really wants to convince you to stay married, as he says he does, he should be respectful of your request for space and gentle and apologetic in his manner when he sees you to see DD. if he is "woe is me" or even worse cold and hard that seems another indicator of a sense of entitlement and primary concern for himself.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2015 08:54

I'm really not seeing any contrition at all right now. We shall see what happens but last night I was ready to file for divorce because his manner was so cold.

No access to his emails. I am tempted to send her one but I won't. For now at least.

IF we move forward with getting back together (and note the big if) at some stage I will just ask him for his phone and iPad and check both in front of him. Right now she is welcome to him.

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