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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 07:38

There were no problems. He's just using that as a reason to break your heart. Twat.

Nevergrowingup · 30/04/2015 07:50

His protestations of lurve to the Italian job are like those of an infatuated teenager. All that frantic language, selfishly ensuring he kept her hanging on, building her expectations, almost putting her on hold while he worked out how to deal with the mess he'd created at home.

He was lying to everyone and his reaction is one of indignance - he'd already made his decisions. He was arrogant enough to believe that he could get away with it. This is the point where he needs to grow up, accept his part in all of this and respect the fact that his actions have had a devastating effect on those who care for him the most.

Your DD will be OK. Remember that in facilitating visits to your home, you are opening her up to whatever behaviour unfolds. It's all the non-verbal clues and stress which she will pick up on, even if bath time is great fun. It's about protecting her as well as enabling her to see him. He needs to prove that she matters and that starts with him respecting you.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 07:58

You're right. There were no problems.

This is the background I think. I found pregnancy really hard and physically it took about a year for the spd to heal (and actually despite seeing a chiropractor and a physio I still get a sore hip). We had a small, beautiful, amazing child who is pure hard work when she's not on top form. There wasn't a problem with our marriage - it was just life. And he should have realised that life isn't always perfect and stuck through it, because ironically she is now much easier than she was 6 months ago.

And what terrifies me about our future IF we recover our marriage is what happens if we have another baby? Or if one of our parents die or one of us gets really sick or has an accident or any of those horrible life events? Or he fucks up the business and we lose everything? For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

He failed at the first hurdle.

OP posts:
Hussarsataparty · 30/04/2015 07:59

Hello Tomato - I've been lurking and am in awe of your dignity so far. Your H sounds a bit Teflon at the moment - no guilt or blame seems to be sticking to him, and he seems to be merrily reinventing the past in his own favour. If he was so unhappy why did he not tell you at the time?

Just a thought - if he is going to do the bedtime routine, why don't you get into running gear, meet him merrily at the door and go for a run, walk, be out of the house so you don't have to be there at the same time. Then, after his allotted time with DD you can return breezily and make the excuse of getting into the shower while he lets himself out.
#teamtomato

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/04/2015 08:02

I think its quite difficult when you've always seen yourself as a good person, the big cheese, the special one, etc, etc to wake up to the fact that you've just been a lousy partner, sleazy and opportunistic and you've created a whole shit-storm for your family essentially for the excitement of a shag.

A weak person might never be able to admit that.

Your DH really has a lot of work to do on himself. I hope he is up to the job.

Hope today goes well.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 08:04

Hussar that is the most brilliant suggestion. Thank you. Gets me going for a run and away from him. I had been tentatively running recently and now the evenings are lighter...

Never. That's a great way of looking at it - he needs to start putting dd first and that begins with respecting me. I like it.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 30/04/2015 08:06

Yes, I agree with you - you had a normal family life with all its ups and downs, all its harsh realities. Not problems - just life!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 08:15

John - you've hit the nail on the head there I think.

One of the things that has really got to me is that he was planning to leave me after all the years we have been together and the life we had built for someone he had spent half a dozen days with, and maybe a couple of evenings here and there. How could he possibly know her sufficiently enough to say they were kindred spirits or she was without doubt the love of his life. I was the one keeping the show on the road.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 30/04/2015 08:51

I am not responsible for his appalling decisions and I refuse to ever accept any culpability.

Good for you! Bloody well good for you!

Its the stance I took as well and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/04/2015 08:59

Good luck for today, Tomato - I still worry over your plan to have him around so much, but your instincts about where the responsibility lies are spot on

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/04/2015 09:01

Fancying he was in love, was of course, win-win-win.

  1. It preserves his image of 'nice fella'. Im not your common garden adulterer, I am in the middle of the Whitney Houston of love affairs.
  1. It keeps OW happy. She can be satisfied that she's not some common garden woman shagging a married man, she is experiencing the greatest love of all.
  1. Its fun. If you don't do recreational drugs and you don't like sports, what could be more exciting than replicating the first six months of a relationship with a random hotty?
  1. Eventually, it boosts his ego. 'See, I'm really in love, but I put my family first, coz that's the kind of wonderful guy I am!'

I've seen plenty of partners on here who do get what they've done...Considering he's been having counselling he does seem rather slow on the uptake, what with his 'demands' stuff - but only time will tell, for both of you...

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 09:08

John thank you. Helps make sense. As you say, time will tell.

Right I now have a big drive to do.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 30/04/2015 11:52

Tomato, you could only be held partly responsible if you had helped this "prick" of a man put his prick inside this other woman!

doubleshotespresso · 30/04/2015 12:57

Thinking of you Tomato- best of luck!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 13:00

Am home, had a bit of lunch and then about to take dd to nursery.

And then I'm going to reclaim my home - sort some stuff out, buy some nice food and a few flowers. Somehow get rid of his presence.

OP posts:
PetraStrorm · 30/04/2015 13:43

This sounds trivial, but go and buy yourself some new bedding in whatever the hell colours/patterns YOU like. It was one of the little things that really helped me reclaim a bit of space at a tricky time.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 14:18

Petra that's a really nice idea. Dd is at nursery tomorrow and mum and I are going to john Lewis so I might pop into the bed linen section.

OP posts:
PetraStrorm · 30/04/2015 14:38

Do it Grin - it might be because I probably definitely love my bed a bit too much, but turning it into a little sanctuary with bedding that no-one else had ever slept in really made a difference for me.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 14:55
Grin

In the meantime I have just changed my bed and the spare bed and rather childishly changed the pillow cases on the pillows dh was taking. I can't bare to split up the sets.

So at least I don't have to sleep in his filth Grin

OP posts:
Hussarsataparty · 30/04/2015 16:20

Move some pics around and some small bits of furniture if poss. Don't know if you took some pics at the farm? If so, print em out and put them up. New life etc with evidence of you and DD getting out and about.
If he doesn't take all of his clothes, books etc, put them in the loft.

A pic of H in DDs room but nowhere else, so she can still see him but you don't have to.
And aaaaaah, the bliss of new bedding!

bjrce · 30/04/2015 16:32

I am really sorry to say this, but he can never be trusted.
He is worming his way back in there.
He never planned to tell you about the OW. What happens if his head is turned again, only this time he decides to leave.
He is very arrogant, its the total lack of respect for you, that he thought he could just carry on with life and never tell you about his affair. I now this is your life and its easy for us to make assumptions about him, but he will let you down again, and you will be tortured in a life with him, wondering whats going on in his head.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 18:12

Bjrce - I'm not quite sure where that comment has from. From where I'm sat today is the day he moves out of the family home. Not the day he moves back in.

I'm not making any decisions AT ALL about our future until I feel a lot more stable. He has betrayed me over and over again and lied and allowed me to believe that any issues between us were my fault. I don't recognise the man I married with the person that could do this to dd and me. I don't trust him and I don't trust his charm.

The only thing which I may have made a mistake with is his still doing bath/bedtime routine which I believe at the moment is in her best interests. If that doesn't work for both of us then I will stop this happening.

Letting him worm his way back in again. As if. He has a LOT of ground to make up for me to even consider that option and he has not made a flying start.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 30/04/2015 18:17

Hussars - yes I'm planning on getting some new photo frames tomorrow and I'm going to print out some of my photos of her, me and my parents and put them up around the place Grin

Our wedding photos, coupley photos can go into the spare room.

The most symbolic thing I can do is stick up pictures dd has done and fill the house with plastic crap for her. He is sooooooo design conscious and now I can let rip. Which I have started doing already Grin

My engagement ring is off too. It no longer feels like a symbol of his love.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/04/2015 18:45

Tomato, you are doing really well, it must be tough.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 30/04/2015 19:51

How are you feeling?

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