Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

I think you're right about the locks.

You asked him to go, and he's going.

Changing the locks on his home seems pointlessly antagonistic at this stage.

I'd think carefully about bed/bathtimes. Whilst you want normality, as you said it is a new one for both you, and your DD. Reconciliation may not be possible, and your DD will then be doing bed/bath elsewhere. I know it's not what you are thinking about now, but best to bear in mind. It may actually be more upsetting for her to go to bed, and then him not to there during the night, as opposed to not seeing him just before bed.

Also, with the best will in the world you are both still invested in each other. There is a danger that you both use this as an opportunity to keep tabs on each other, if he's there he's not anywhere else, and vice versa. If you really want to use the time apart well (both of you), and have the physical and emotional space needed you need to see as little as possible of each other, unless you actively arrange to meet up.

You can't cover off all the what if's though.

It's really hard to know what the best thing to do is. As things are, dh is now living nearby, he has always done bedtime routine stuff and dd adores him. I don't want to break that bond. Dd and I are going to stay living in our home for as long as I can make it possible.

In the absence of a manual telling me exactly what to do in my very particular circumstances, I am following my nose.

My "what ifs" include him continuing to behave like an entitled cock, and they also include him realising exactly how badly behaved he has been and doing everything in his power to put things right. I suspect the reality will fall somewhere in between.

But. He hasn't been a violent man so far and I don't think he will become violent. He has been doing what I have asked. His latest emails have been more reasonable, and all about dd. I want to keep things calm for now so that when I start really questioning and pushing him he is in a frame of mind to honestly and truthfully answer rather than fighting me.

I suspect we will fall into our own routine in the coming weeks regarding dd which we can always make more formal. Or if it isn't working for dd and me I can change things.

Tomato, unless you are not going to be at home when he visits to do your wee girls bedtime you would be as well letting him come back home to live tomorrow.

There is no way he won't try to engage you in conversation or try to tug on your heartstring and before you know it you'll be in bed with him for a bit of hysterical bonding that will confuse you even more.

And just to add that a few months down the line if you end up back with each other then thats fine but it will at least be due to your time out of your marriage being a real time out.

As for questioning him - you've read all there is to know and nothing he says or does will ever erase those words from your mind so the bottom line really is - can I live with him ever again knowing those things?

Very wise words, Wee Birdie - I really can't improve on that

Shit. You might be right. You can always say "I told you so"

I had planned on staying out of the way completely - so staying in the kitchen with the door shut until he was out of the door. And he knows I'm not ready to talk. I actually don't want to start talking until we are with the counsellor.

You're right I can't erase those things that I have read and he has said. And I'm ready to walk away. He has destroyed my hopes and dreams and broken my heart.

But I can't stop all contact because I have to put dd first and that means them seeing each other on a regular basis. And I don't know how else to balance that part of the equation.

Is there someone else who could be there while you pop out?

I think the normal recommendation is that he takes DD out, and brings her back for you to do bedtime. Otherwise, it is confusing for the child, and gives him a chance to "work on" you too much. He needs to take her out in order to feel what being divorced is actually like....

Mum is staying until Monday and yes I could get a friend to help out with handovers. I'll have to have a ponder.

Also, while he gets to come round and do bathtimes, he is protected from the full enormity of what he has risked/lost. I know you want to keep some normailty for your daughter, but it could be very confusing too. Also, what everyone else said about him being in your space and having opportunities to work on you. If you are set on it, make clear its on the basis he doesn't misuse it & bathtimes are off immediately if he does.

Tomato I would never say I told you so. Honestly

We'll you can try it, if he starts to engage just say sorry bedtime routine isn't working

I go for weekly facial and hot stone...love it!

And, while it is great he and DD are so close, do remember that whatever happens in terms of how things pan out it wont be your doing. Any consequences will be entirely the result of his actions and choices.

Ooh weekly facial and hot stone!!

Weebirdie - I really don't mind if you do! I'm quite happy to admit I make mistakes (unlike some people I know )

Why is it all so difficult? I'm finding it so exhausting to think about and I'm getting really nervous about going home. It helps so so so much knowing you are all here.

hot stone--sounds like bloody torture
hot scone--now that's sounds much better

KOKO tomato

When you have been at your parents it has been your cocoon , going back home means you need to face things

Yep - right as always Christina. That's why I'm nervous.

I've been printing out my plan b stuff to leave here and have read again a couple of the emails. "You are without a doubt the love of my life". Some love of his life that he can pick up and drop on a whim.

Back to feeling sick and having a headache.

I've taken off my engagement ring. Believe it or not, I didn't force him to propose, or to get married. He was there very happily waiting with tears in his eyes as I walked down the aisle. No sign of having compromised or that he might be doing the wrong thing.

Thinking about you tomato.

Good luck for today

Oh Tomato, that's sad - some of the things he said really can't be unsaid. You are right though - it sounds like he married willingly and with joy. The hurtful crap is historical revisionism so he doesn't feel as badcabout betraying you. Idiot! You don't deserve such unkindness.

Don't be doubting yourself. You didn't force him to marry you, live together and have children.

I'm not doubting myself. It's just making me angry. How dare he.

I just fucking know that once we start talking he's going to be all mr reasonable and say that there were some huge problems in our marriage and so he can't be 100% at fault. Which is absolutely bullshit. Because if he'd put the energy that he spent on her into me we would right now be on cloud 9 with a much much stronger union.

I am not responsible for his appalling decisions and I refuse to ever accept any culpability.

And for once I am the first one up and showered. Today is for packing up, driving back and working out what on earth comes next.