Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Just. I think he thought because he's gone through counselling he would be able to hold my hand while I came to terms with what he has done and patiently explain to me how I should be feeling. Or something like that.

I have to say I thought that wasn't the brightest ideas he has had recently and there have been some reasonably dumb ones recently.

So I have ignored it and done my own thing instead.

That would have been interesting - counselling by third party! Almost patronising to assume that he could guide you through his adultery.

"Oh, I've just deceived you and cheated on you but we can make this work - here's how!" You're not even on the same page! He's already finished the last chapter and liked the ending. You've barely read the prologue.

It sounds as though he has made a lot of assumptions about the people around him. Its a comfort to know that his parent's haven't rounded on you as well.

Sleep is a good thing at the moment. Your body and mind heal when you are resting and that helps give you some perspective. A week on its no wonder that you are drained. You don't need to do much at the moment other than make sure you stay well and supported.

He can continue to have his tantrum elsewhere.

You had absolutely no other option, Tomato - you've done exactly the right thing, which probably annoys him most of all

Oh, and a lazy afternoon sounds ideal; goodness knows you need it. You probably won't think so, but you're beginning to sound a lot stronger again over the last couple of posts ...

I think he thought because he's gone through counselling he would be able to hold my hand while I came to terms with what he has done

He actually thought that going through counselling himself would make him the right person to counsel you through his betrayal of you?

The mind boggles at the ego that would come up with this idea.

I can't be the only person who is wondering how much of his mother's reported fragility was actually a way for him to manipulate you?

Thank you both, although I'm not sure I am stronger, just getting by.

He can sit and lick his wounds (poor lamb) in his not very nice flat for a while. Dd and I will resume our normal activities with mum around a bit more. He will see us getting on with our lives together. And the anger and petulance should dissipate and be replaced by sadness.

At which point I will be ready to talk.

But I may have decided I don't like his weaknesses and flaws any longer and can take the opportunity for an out before I waste any more of my life with him. Or that I accept him, flaws and all. I don't know.

It's just ridiculous bathtime!

His mother has shown strength and compassion over the last few days. I have more respect for her as a result. She hasn't collapsed because of what he has done. And maybe, just maybe, the world doesn't revolve around him.

Sorry you're going through all this.

As a PP has said his use of the term "demanded" is telling: not "I have done as you asked" or just factual.

Also don't like that he is moaning about lack of contact with you so very soon after your discovery and quite reasonably asking for time and space. He does seem to have a pretty entitled attitude and a script.

about his comments about you during the affair/the hiatus.

Am sure he will feel sad, for himself, and - unless he's a crappy father in other ways as well as adultery and making you feel shit - sad for DD too. but will he feel sad for YOU and regret what he has done to you, for your sake not his own?

It's another step forward tomato, well done

Does he know they were visiting today?

Duck - he's has so little regard for my feelings for a while so I don't know if he's feeling sad for me too.

Christina - he did know. I got dd to tell him last night when they facetimed each other.

I am sure he is furious that he can't control how that meeting went either.

Something has just clicked - there's a horrible backstory for mil with her father, ow and mum dying of cancer. We never mention it and I've never spoken to her about it.

Perhaps this is why he was so terrified of her response to his own affair.

It's good that he is terrified, the more he faces the consequences of his actions the more he has question his behaviour

the anger and petulance should dissipate and be replaced by sadness

You'd think so, yes, but I wouldn't guarantee it. As I said before there's a very real arrogance/manipulation in this man - even via the net my fingers itch to give him a good slap - and I worry that his entitlement might take him in a completely different direction

And to suggest the world may not revolve around him ... I mean, really ... how dare you??!!!

Puzzled - if that is the case then decision made

He honestly didn't used to be like this and I'm just hoping that this whole sorry state of affairs brings him back down to earth from the heady heights he had been at.

What age is he?

Are you sure he's told his parents what's happened? He could just have said you are having difficulties and are taking a break.

Christina - he was 39 the other day

City - yes - I'm absolutely sure they know at least some of the truth. I don't know what yet though. The truth will out. I am good at biding my time for these sorts of things.

And I'm going to keep contact with them through all of this for dd. I will fake it til I make it and remain on good terms. If I can get through today I can get through anything, although I may have to not drink around them.

Another day tomato, are you going home ?

Home tomorrow morning, not today.

Have had a good nights sleep with none of dd's antics from the last couple of nights. I am feeling very bruised and battered though.

Are you looking forward to getting home?

Not sure. A bit nervous actually.

Mum is with me but I'm going to have to start seeing him for handovers. And I've got a few days stretching ahead while dd is at nursery or with him when nothing is planned. At some point mum and I are going to start rubbing each other up the wrong way.

And then once she has gone I have to start getting used to my own new reality. Urgh.

I bet he will either be there or come round when you return to the house, or use hangovers to seek discussion.

Perhaps you could use some of the upcoming time when DD is with her father to do things separately from your mum, either practical stuff like legal and financial research or stuff for you, eg haircut or walk or whatever you enjoy.

Yes duck - he may.

I want to get some stuff sorted out in the house when I have some time - dd's room, spare room, old photos, that sort of thing. And I need to get dd's new bed sorted out and make some curtains for her room.

And I'm also going to take up yoga again and have a reasonably regular massage.

I had a couple of emails last night about time for him to have with dd. I didn't detect any venom so maybe he is starting to calm down too.

Right must go. We are off to decorate a jug or something for mil's birthday. I am feeling generous toward her at the moment and want to keep the warmth between us going for the time being.

Are you going to change the locks when you return to your house? You've asked for space, and he doesn't seem keen to give you much. Can you stop him waltzing into the house once you're back there?

Good luck!

So glad you're planning to keep busy once back home ... very important to have plenty to fill the days, while not overtiring yourself. The yoga/massage sounds especially good, in being relaxing and healthy

Can I suggest you need a plan in place to deal with unwanted/inappropriate contact from him? Maybe restrict checking messages to certain times, have everything ready for handovers rather than have him waiting in the house, etc?

I'm planning on him doing bath and bedtime for dd on a regular basis. I want to keep normality going as much as possible. He knows I don't want to speak to him otherwise and I will be firm about this.

I'm not going to change the locks - this house is in joint names and I have no reason to be scared of him. I have no interest in creating the antagonism which would result in me taking such action.

On all of this I know I can change my mind if it isn't working for me.