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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Wordsaremything · 27/04/2015 20:16

His parents are close friends with yours I think? I suspect your mum is behind the wholesale message of support ( not entirely a bad thing, by the way)

Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/04/2015 20:24

I think it will be quite interesting to find out actually what he has said to his parents

Nevergrowingup · 27/04/2015 20:27

Mum can be trusted to dig for information

Haha! I was recently at an event and was introduced to the host's elderly mother. Very sweet, engaging and friendly... little did I know that within five minutes of meeting her, she had my full family history, house-buying history, education etc. etc. Quite an impressive skill! It was all done so discreetly, I didn't even realise she'd done it until she'd finished!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/04/2015 20:30

The fact that the Mum was very sympathetic suggests that he was honest with her re what happened.

A good start maybe?

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 20:36

His parents are probably terrified they will lose access to the children.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 20:38

Yes that's right. Both families come together regularly, and in a way a bit of stiff upper lip and everyone agreeing how shit the whole situation is. Dh was most scared about his mum falling apart completely as a result of this, and I don't actually want that to happen. She will always be part of my family, as dd's grandmother, and regardless of what is to come I'd like to keep things civil.

I was going to spend more time thinking things through this evening but I'm actually really tired and am boring myself - let alone you lot! I have a Robert Gilbraith on the go which I think I might escape to for an hour or two.

And I'm not going to check my email until tomorrow morning. 3.30am is definitely not a good time!

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 20:41

X-post. Yes mum has that skill!

I'm still hoping that there is hope for salvation. And that he will get there. Slowly. My email may just have inflamed him again but this is a long game, not a short game.

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 28/04/2015 06:55

Take care of yourself today Tomato.

Justusemyname · 28/04/2015 06:59

I'll be thinking of you today, tomato. Don't be pushed into anything.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 28/04/2015 08:50

Thanks both.

Have had another bad nights sleep - dd woke and very out of character would not settle for about 2 hours. I can normally pop her in my bed and she goes back to sleep again.

Have had another email. He is leaving the house on Thursday so we can go home. He has done "everything I have demanded", apparently.

Right. Shower, toast, walk the dog, then bright and breezy face. I hope these things get easier.

What I still can't get my head around is that I thought I was the luckiest girl around. A man I loved who loved me back, a gorgeous daughter, a nice home, fab friends, not rich but financially stable (which actually IS rich to a lot of people). I didn't have a job and wanted another baby, but overall I was content with what we had. Why couldn't he be too? On top of happy family life he has a successful, interesting and stimulating career running a company on the up. Why wasn't he counting his blessings every day?

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 28/04/2015 08:56

I can't remember, but have you sat down and talked to him ?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 28/04/2015 09:08

No. Ranted at, yes. I've been emailing him rather than talking though. He wants to talk and I want to get my head clear before I can talk.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 28/04/2015 09:13

People say 'when money troubles come in the door love goes out the window' but I know it was once my husbands business took off in a huge way and he became something of a big shot locally that love flew out of our window.

We were happy when we were comfortable and he was very much into the career he excelled at but after retiring from his first career he started a business thats a phenomenal success - but sadly he's gone to wreck and ruin on a personal life.

I think in the old days people would have said 'he had his head turned by his success' but I now know this part of his personality was always there and life meant it was kept under wraps - it didn't really have a way out.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 28/04/2015 09:14

why wasnt he counting his blessings every day?

That's the weakness in him, that's his problem and something he has to dig deep for and find an answer

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 28/04/2015 10:33

Yes. I think the drive, ambition and search for perfectionism has always been there and may be one of the reasons he allowed himself to be swept away by the glamour and sophistication of the Italian Job and her lifestyle.

I am of course a reminder of where he has come from - you wouldn't call me glamorous or sophisticated (and I don't particularly aspire to be either).

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 28/04/2015 11:46

What does he want to talk about? Does he want to listen too?

TheOldWiseOne · 28/04/2015 12:10

Doesn' t it just piss you off when they write in that ultra officious way to you ( as if you were an employee) or spelling things out in detail as if you are a moron ?

So "obliging" in words after doing a totally despicable thing - abandoning a family without even saying.....actually I had that thought this morning - that I have tried my best whereas he will always be the person who abandoned his family ( although he doesn't think he has) !

Vivacia · 28/04/2015 12:26

He has done "everything I have demanded", apparently.

"If only I'd thought to demand you didn't put your penis in another woman, we'd have been saved all of this kerfuffle!".

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/04/2015 12:35

Good luck for the visit, Tomato - I'll be thinking of you

At least he's leaving to give you some space (though it's a pity he obviously expects a pat on the head for it) Take all the time you need and don't rush anything

Christinayangstwistedsister · 28/04/2015 12:44

Vivacia

Grin
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 28/04/2015 13:02

Vivacia Grin

They have gone. We didn't talk about the elephant in the room at all, and dd was a very welcome distraction. I held it together until they both have me the most enormous hugs at the end of the visit when I fell apart, at which point his mum got all teary too.

I am done. Utterly spent.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/04/2015 13:15

Well done tomato another hurdle passed.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/04/2015 13:30

So glad it went as well as it could ... maybe now plan a few nice things for later??

Nevergrowingup · 28/04/2015 16:08

Your meeting sounds very peaceful and decent. Its a good thing that they enjoyed just being grandparents, their love of your DD is going to be key in all of this.

Body language is all and you probably didn't need to speak about anything.

Today was a huge hurdle for you and it was a welcome surprise that you didn't have to give any more of yourself. Take heed of what your body is telling you and try and get some rest or treat yourself.

Am amused/horrified by his use of the word "demanded". Even if you did demand this of him, its the least he could do to cooperate. He obviously feels the need to flounce!!

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 28/04/2015 16:22

He's definitely throwing his toys out of the pram and I really can't be bothered with it. I think he's cross I've taken control and he's had to leave home. Diddums. But what other option did I realistically have?

Yes the meeting went as well as could be expected. Especially given how his mother would be so devastated and unable to face me or my parents ever again. Just goes to show eh?

I have spent the afternoon in bed. The house is quiet so I think dd has gone out with mum which is very kind of her. I can't muster up the energy to do anything right now.

OP posts: