Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

Christina - I don't know. I would not have married THIS man though. I chose the man that I married who has changed into someone I don't recognise any longer.

Just - I'm ok with walking away. Truly. But being a single parent will be hard work. I never ever ever imagined the negotiations of who would have dd when and all the difficulties that will entail.

I'm on my own later this evening so once dd is in bed I will have a much longer think about all of this.

Weebirdie - yes it was part of the pick me dance. I didn't even know what I was doing.

I can't get my head around the total transformation in him. Either I was happy and deluded or he has really changed since meeting her.

However before I knew about the affair, I had told him how miserable I had become, how our relationship had changed and became a lot less loving (understatement btw) and I pinpointed the change to his first trip to Italy.

One of the things that I am grappling with is that maybe under my "spell" he was a better person, and under her "spell" a different side to him came out. And so somehow he has these 2 sides to him, one of which I loved, and one which I hate. And even the thought of his nature being so malleable that he can't be true to himself upsets me. Because eventually the truth will out and I don't like what I have recently seen. I think I am rambling a bit but this is what is in my head right now.

We had been together just under 6 years when he cheated and I had no inkling about this side to him. During that time we had bought and renovated 2 properties, my mum had got through cancer, and had dd. If you had asked me in July whether or not we were happy I would have said, bar the infertility issues, yes we were. And if you had asked me then if he was the right man to have married I would have said yes.

Tomato relax dear if you can.
You do not have yet to make any final decision.
It is too early.
Time is a healer. Give yourself time to think through. Trust yourself. Do not choose to stay because you are afraid of being a single mum. Do not choose yet to leave even if it is blatant that his behaviors in this affair and after it are appalling. It is terrible how he tries to make you small so as to minimize his sins. He feels guilty hence he attacks you. Very bad. But please take time. Just remember one thing: it is not up to you only to rebuild successfully your marriage, it is up to him. He should fully understand how wrong was his behavior and behave from now on so as to atone for it. At the end of his 'remedial' process you decide whether you want to stay with this repentant man or not. However if he does not want to do what it takes to rebuild your marriage then nothing can be done. The book I suggested is a good book- it is written by a very good counselor. She is Christian but her book applies to all cases. And no she does not force anyone to stay. She just helps heal the betrayed spouse if the betrayer is willing to work hard at it. Good Luck!

Remember we talked about "his dummy being spat", well this is it

Thank you mama. I will have a look later at the book.

And yes I am not going to make any decisions. WOO (Wise Old Owl) advised waiting until the rawness of emotions had passed before making a decision.

I have read his email from last night again. He isn't disagreeing with moving out and giving me some space. It is the complete lack of communication he is struggling with.

He has just sent another email saying he has found somewhere to move to nearby but is struggling to find a hotel over the bank holiday weekend. So dd and I might be here at my parents a bit longer. Which is fine.

I don't have the energy to fight him. He is doing as I ask, mostly, but just not at the pace. I need to reiterate I can't speak with him about anything.

If I am like this tomorrow when his parents come then they will tell him I am a shadow of my normal self.

Christina - yes his dummy has been spat. And as I predicted I THINK he is starting to do as I ask.

I think he needs to learn some humility in life

Yes. That is definitely one of my conditions of his returning if I take him back.

tomato, i'm thinking of you. If I could offer some advice just from observation as well as lived experience of this sort of thing, often people find that there ISN'T a complete change of character, but that as time passes, many of the personality quirks were there in the first place. For example, someone who has an affair is often cowardly, that's why it carries on behind backs for so long, and sometimes the repression of conflict in a marriage is down to cowardice. Many are selfish, and that trait can be seen in other areas of life. He is undoubtledly weak, having stopped, started, and lied about the affair a few times. This isn't someone who is good at seeing through what they know to be right. Or simply couldn't resist. Your OH has not left 'for her', despite apparently seriously considering it, so he's actually in a very precarious position emotionally.

Often entitlement is a huge trait that leads to cheaters. Already in his anger about your withdrawal of communication I see massive entitlement. Why on earth is he entitled to that? This isn't always a genuine expression of 'missing'. It is also a child-like need for control. He will be feeling very insecure and unstable in his own choices and will be veering back and forth as to what to do. He wants some semblance of 'normality' which I'm afraid you came to represent. And he wants to not feel like such a bastard. A stream of communication from you implies he is worthy of keeping in touch with and not much has actually changed. It gives him both. This is a very selfish and entitled way of thinking, even though he won't see that clearly yet.

I would simply say that it's very unlikely he has 'two sides' in this way. Over the course of the next few weeks, these two will probably alternate in your eyes until they blend into being different sides of the same coin. Someone who is very warm and kind can also be emotionally manipulative, in fact warmth can be a weapon in exactly that way. He is not Jekyll and Hyde. It will feel like this though and it's natural because the alternative, that he was this man all along, is absolutely unbearable

I agree with you Christina and Tomato about the spat dummy and many other things. Especially about: humility and less arrogance.
Very important. If they learn the value of humility and the danger of arrogance then the affair might have been beneficial to their emotional and behavioral growth and to our relationships with them.
Do you feel comfortable enough to meet his parents? I think it is a good thing that you decided to meet them even if it is difficult for you. IMO the family spirit can keep our head up and take us through the first days of raw emotions. Good Luck!

Unfortunately, "struggling over the lack of communication" is something he'll just have to put up with; you're struggling too, and right now yours needs come first

I'm tentatively glad he's (apparently?) sorted somewhere to stay after the weekend - hopefully this will give you exactly the space you need to consider his appalling treatment of you and to reach a decision in time

A bit about his parents coming over, though; obviously you know them and we don't, but it's hard to see how this can help if they use it as an opportunity to offload their own disappointment. Don't go by me, but isn't it him they should be talking to about that??

Sorry, tomato, I though you meant walk away from his mother if she was upsetting you when you meet up.

Not suggesting you baby sit him but I'm sure someone could find him somewhere to stay. B&B, premier inn, etc.

Blood and mama - thank you for lots of food for thought. I think it's going to take weeks to get my head around this.

Puzzled - I think it's ok. They are devoted to dd, and I have invited them to see dd. I think the first time I see them will be the most difficult, and I'd like to just get it out of the way. Mil's email was one of support to me. My parents are here and know I don't want to talk too much.

I'm also mindful of, even if things don't work out, not burning bridges with them too early. I may decide to move back to the area in due course in which case I will need all the practical assistance I can get. And finally they will always be dd's grandparents. With all their faults I had always been comfortable with them looking after her, and their son's behaviour hasn't changed this.

Blood and mama - thank you for lots of food for thought. I think it's going to take weeks to get my head around this.

Puzzled - I think it's ok. They are devoted to dd, and I have invited them to see dd. I think the first time I see them will be the most difficult, and I'd like to just get it out of the way. Mil's email was one of support to me. My parents are here and know I don't want to talk too much.

I'm also mindful of, even if things don't work out, not burning bridges with them too early. I may decide to move back to the area in due course in which case I will need all the practical assistance I can get. And finally they will always be dd's grandparents. With all their faults I had always been comfortable with them looking after her, and their son's behaviour hasn't changed this.

Just - I think I can walk away. I'm at my parents and so home territory. It's easier to walk away there than if I were to visit and have to deal with the guilt of prising dd away.

Then that's fair enough, Tomato - but do be prepared to take some time out during their visit if you need it, or if they start to make it too much about them

I completely get what you're saying about their excellent relationship with DD, and it's great that they've been supportive to you so far, but I really wouldn't make too many assumptions about the second bit for the long term future

puzzled - I feel like everything is a mess! And with them I just want to keep things amicable for now. I don't quite know how to behave and this feels like the right step. I also don't know where I'm living in 3 days time, let alone a long time into the future. I don't want to burn bridges that's all. Xx

To get the accommodation he's lined up I think he must have told this person. Which is a good thing I think because she may just have knocked some sense into him.

I am going to draft one last email tonight. Firm about no contact, conciliatory in style. Iron fist, velvet glove again.

I'm still shocked by what your DH has thrown at you over the last few months, and all from a place of extreme guilt. Whatever happens, all of that will have to be dealt with. Such low blows he has delivered; he deserves to be squirming, feeling isolated and rejected. Doh! what did he expect???

Its a good thing that his parents are being supportive. If it was one of my DSs, I would have gone ballistic at them... and then gone ballistic all over again.

I would also advise caution regarding his parents. Its still raw for everyone and its natural that they are concerned about you and your DD. At least seeing you both will put their minds at rest but choose carefully how you want this to develop. Its new territory and you don't want to create any new routines or temporary routines until you get your head round everything. Promise nothing.

Stick to facts, not opinions. Its OK to say "no, I'd rather not discuss this" or whatever you need to say. They may ask you if you want them to do anything. Have a think about that, just in case. You may not want them involved other than on the surface. Again, your choice.

Normal rules don't apply at the moment and you don't have to do things to please others. Only yourself.

I think what I mean (in fewer words) is that there is often more in what you DON'T say than what you DO say.

That's a good idea to get a bit prepared. I think I might say something to them like "it's all very raw and I have no idea where I'm at. I'd rather not discuss it right now, and not in front of dd. Now, who would like some cake?" I am very good at changing the subject!

Yes, that's great. You don't need to be mechanical or stilted but for your own dignity, it might help to 'manage' their visit so that it doesn't descend into something which just hurts you more.

You don't know exactly what they have been told/choose to retell so may be hoping for more information from you. (I may be being cynical though and they are visiting purely to give you support.)

Redirection with 'more cake?' is perfect!

Tomato, pls try and look like your 'old' self when they visit because I would be wary of it getting back to your husband that you look wrecked.

I know its hard but this is one time you have to fake it till you make it and if you can do your hair, and have your usual 'face' on then do it.

It really does no good at all in these circumstances for the cheating partner to know you look as awful as you feel - no insults intended by the way

Thanks both. Right, so make up on, hair done, hoodie put away, bright and breezy, and cake tucked away so would need some rummaging to get it out. Mum can be trusted to dig for information

I have sent the email. I have been very clear, and if he continues to push I know he no longer respects me. I've also told him we are not moving back until he has moved out.