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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 10:29

I know, Weebirdie, it's such an awful thing to say.

Why did he choose you, tomato, if that's what he thinks?

Was his decision to stay with you another "compromise"?

And it's also pretty bad that he used his affair (that you didn't know about) to get you to compete with his girlfriend.

He really sounds like a prick.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 10:40

The whole thing is a mess. And yes he's not passed the test with flying colours. I am feeling broken again today, not helped by a sleepless night and dd waking early and screaming the whole place down.

I will send vivacia's reply later I think.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 27/04/2015 10:41

He is trying to make it your fault. don't let him

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 11:14

No I know he is trying rewrite history I order to blame me.

I have had the most lovely message of support from his mum on behalf of both his parents.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 27/04/2015 11:18

Good for the mum.
It seems to me that your H thinks that this time is for you to try to win him back. Meanwhile you are waiting for him to show any shred of being a decent human being and listening to what you are asking for.
I can't believe the compromise comment either- makes my blood run cold.

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 11:20

FFS. He compromised when you married?! Tomato, what special powers do you have to make a man marry you unwillingly?Hmm. Love, this man is horrible. You are far too nice to be with him. Please go to Confidence Is Us and get yourself self esteem by the trolley load as you deserve better and do not deserve to have to listen to this cruelty from this pathetic twat.

MaMaof04 · 27/04/2015 12:01

Tomato, I am so sorry.
I will write here an extract from 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda J.MacDonald. In fact the extract is just the definition of 'Unsuccessful Rebuilder'- page 12.
'Unsuccessful Rebuilder (UR)
Unfaithful partners who wish to save their marriage after an affair...but do not grasp the gravity of the damage they have inflicted upon loved ones. Such persons make fatal mistakes along the way that increase the harm they've already caused and doom their chances for successful reconciliation. Not to be confused with a person who has no desire to salvage his or her marriage'.
Maybe this is what I would have e-mailed him -or better -his mum. Together with the name of the book. If he buys it- reads it and tries to behave accordingly then he will help you heal. You might agree to rebuild your marriage or you might split afterward. But you will be healed. If he continues to behave as the UR then of course the best is that you say: GOOD RIDDANCE and accept that there are people who do the unthinkable and are not emotionally mature to see the results of their actions.
I feel hurt for you. You are highly intelligent, fair-minded and nice. He is not secure in his skin and completely deluded. Like PPs said above maybe he thought you will be over the moon that he chose you and that you will start appreciating him for what he is: a very much wanted but 'fair' man- ignoring in the process how cruel and callous his behavior has been throughout the affair. Have a good cry; collapse with some nice books/movies/glass of wine/talks to friend...but have faith that it will be over- all this excoriating pains in the heart, all this confusion in the mind. You will be happy that this kind of man is not around your dd 24/7.
About kids:I understand that you wanted more kids. Now you have one DD ; if you will have only her then it is not bad at all: a special bond will develop between you. Whether we like it or not when we have more than 1 kid then our time is split between them and we are often too tired to enjoy each of them on their own. It is a different dynamic-having one or more kids. Each dynamic offers its joys.
Hugs Tomato!

BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 12:03

What did his mum say?

I hope you are OK. Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/04/2015 12:21

He has already said he compromised when he asked me to marry him. And that our marriage was on the rocks before he met her. And that I am now pushing him away

I'm not going to lie - this is beyond appalling, and like Wee Birdie I can't see how you can ever come back from it, even if you wanted to. Even if there were problems he could have discussed this fully with you or just left - but no, he rewrites it all, pleases himself then tries to blame you; funny how they all follow the same script

He's now shown clearly what his attitude will be in future; if there'd ever been any future for this, you'd now know that he was doing it under sufferance and that you were "a compromise." Personally that utterly selfish, dreadful insult - at a time when he could have chosen to build bridges - would be the end; there's surely little point in arranging further "tests" when you know he feels like this

Oh, and forget about messages from his family ... you're way beyond that now. The main thing, though, is what do you want to do now?

Momagain1 · 27/04/2015 12:29

He feels 'isolated and pushed away'? That would be because he has been, in fact, isolated and pushed away.

With good reason.

Fontella · 27/04/2015 12:38

isolated and pushed away

Ah ... the classic whining refrain from the cheating man who thinks he's entitled to have his cake and eat it too.

He should have thought about isolation and being pushed away by those he chose to betray, when he was putting his dick in someone else in Italy.

What was he expecting I wonder? That you would collapse in gratitude at his feet that he compromised and 'chose' you over his mistress?

MsPavlichenko · 27/04/2015 12:44

The " compromise" is classic script. It is a variation on the "you forced me to marry you " or " I got married by mistake " He sounds ever more appalling with every post.

Be careful not to get drawn into communication about anything, otherwise he will take it as read that you didn't mean what you said re no contact, and push home his advantage. I think he does see himself as some sort of prize, with the OW waiting offstage for him, and he simply cannot understand why you are not simply thankful he didn't leave.

If you reply, do try not to wait by your phone or whatever. The suggestion up thread of a once a day check in seems good. And allow your folks to look after you, and your DD. You must be physically and mentally shattered. You are doing brilliantly, allow yourself some rest.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/04/2015 12:54

It might be a classic script, MsP, but it's still one of the cruellest things I've ever heard Angry

As for "not passing the test with flying colours" it seems he's not even addressed himself to taking it, doubtless feeling he's just too good to bother ... after all the arrogant bastard had a replacement lined up if Tomato wasn't grateful enough to have been picked, didn't he??

Apologies if I sound angry, Tomato, but I am angry for you. Frankly I'm just glad you've got such sterling support as you're going to need it when he gets even nastier - and he will Hmm

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/04/2015 12:58

Oh, and MsP is also correct about not getting drawn into discussions; now that he's shown his true colours so clearly there can be no advantage and it can only damage you

magoria · 27/04/2015 13:27

Wow do you really want to be with a man who compromised (on what exactly Hmm?) to marry you?

You deserve a man who wants to marry you totally and utterly.

He is still expecting you to fall back into your rightful place and is confused you haven't done so.

It is still all about him and his feelings/what he wants.

ocelot7 · 27/04/2015 13:29

Why not just "I have told you I need time & space to deal with my emotions. Please respect that & do not contact me (except 're confirmation you have moved out & arrangements to see DD?)

I don't think it benefits tomato to escalate the exchange to an argument - which would be further stress for her - when what she wants space & calm to think.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 13:35

Thank you once again, and yes I'm not sure whether or not we are getting to the point of no return.

All of this behaviour fueled my anger last week. Now I am just horribly sad. And I refuse to talk or listen to him for the time being because I can't bear to hear any longer what he has to say. Every contact from him is making angry again.

I need time to properly process what he has done and yes to rebuild my confidence again. First step when I feel a bit stronger is to get back to work.

His parents are coming over tomorrow morning, apparently appalled by his behaviour. I want to keep things civil with them, but I will ask them not to talk to me about this in front of dd. My parents will also be around and I can always walk away saying I am finding it all too distressing if things get difficult. This is probably a bad idea but hey ho.

In the meantime we have sheep racing to watch

Xx

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 13:45

I think it matters that he said the thing about marrying you being a compromise when he was in the middle of his affair and trying to justify going back to his mistress.

Your post earlier made it seem like that was in his e-mail of last night.

I don't know whether you will be able to ever forgive him thinking and saying that, but what matters more now is whether he still thinks that.

Did he choose you as another "compromise", because he didn't want his mother to be upset, to live away from his daughter, to disappoint his friends?

Or did he actually choose you, because he realised that he didn't want to be away from you?

It matters because if it is Option A, you have nothing to work with.

If it was Option B, there might still be something to save.

The problem is that if it was Option A, he will lie to you and tell you what you want to hear, because he is using you to be his compromise wife and mother of his child that he left his soul mate for because he is so honourable.

LadyofSpain · 27/04/2015 13:50

Tomato, I have adult sons, with young children, and I've been trying to think how I would feel if one of them had behaved like this.

Hearing about the message from your mum-in-law, I would say that she is bitterly ashamed, and tentatively reaching out to you. She is never going to turn her back on her son, you must know that, but I feel that you should pay her a visit, whilst you are so near, and give her the opportunity to ask questions, and show her own emotions. She could well be an ally in the future. Don't display anger, but instead let her see how utterly broken you are. If you feel that she isn't completely onside, then at least you will know where you stand.

For what it's worth, I would have ripped my sons head off by now.......but I could never turn my back on him completely.

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 13:53

It would not be a bad idea if you walk away. Why do you think it would be?

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 13:53

I'm going to do a lot more thinking. I can't remember what he said when he told me he had chosen me. I was too angry. I need to think now and when I am ready, to talk.

What I do know is that the man he has been and what he has said since the beginning of the affair bears no relation to the warm, kind, loving, thoughtful man he has been beforehand.

I need to think through which is the real him.

Sorry not much time to properly read and respond right now but am mulling over and will go through later the context of the compromise comment. He tried to take it back the moment he has said it. And it triggered me agreeing to go to relate.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/04/2015 13:57

He chose you when he married you and vice versa

If you had to go back, knowing what you know now, would you still pick him?

Weebirdie · 27/04/2015 15:14

I understood he passed comment a while back and no timescale will ever make it right.

There are some things that can never be undone or unheard.

Weebirdie · 27/04/2015 15:16

Sorry. And for visits to relate to be the result of the comment makes it even worse. He had you as part of the pick me dance and you didn't even know it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/04/2015 15:21

Well said, Wee Birdie

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