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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's affair: I have started!

996 replies

tomatoplantproject · 23/04/2015 16:00

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 04:49

Thanks weebirdie. Yes it is all about him. I'm very tempted to reply, raging, but you're right that might not be the best way forward. I'll have to come back to it in the morning. Or let mum respond Grin

It's just the utter selfishness that I can't bear - from someone who used to be so loving and kind.

Hope the Dr isn't for anything too serious.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 27/04/2015 04:59

Totally predictable I'm sorry to say, 'cos, you know, it's all about him..........
He expects that you will get over yourself and come home and be little wifey and that he can sweep it all under the carpet, 'cos, you know, surely you should be grateful that he chose you..........

IGNORE his pathetic attemps at manipulation.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 27/04/2015 05:16

"He has emailed again saying he feels isolated and pushed away, because I don't want to talk to him."

He feels, he feels, he feels.

Why won't he listen to me?"
Because it's all about him....... He doesn't care how you feel, he just wants it resolved and all back to "normal".

I would just reiterate when you want him out of the house by and that no other discussion will be entered into at this stage.

BloodontheTracks · 27/04/2015 05:57

He may also be, I'm afraid, building his own narrative to excuse his behaviours. It goes something like, problems in relationship, I made a mistake, ended the affair like a glorious hero, committed to my marriage, wife snooped on my privacy, chucked me out and wouldn't listen to reason and was cold and pushed me away. What a poor poor man. Its no wonder he....(fill in blank with whatever he will rationalise)

he also will be looking for pity to make him less villainous.

saffronwblue · 27/04/2015 07:05

He feels isolated? Could this be a result of him choosing months of deception and betrayal of his marriage? WTF did he think would happen?

Joysmum · 27/04/2015 07:38

Selfish people have affairs. Hardly surprising he's being selfish still and not considering your needs as he has history of it.

doubleshotespresso · 27/04/2015 07:55

Silence is golden OP.....

... Stay strong and when you can't use your fab family support. Do not be tempted to empathise with him in the problems he has created for himself.

Justusemyname · 27/04/2015 07:56

Aw, poor little lamb. I can't understand why you haven't had him back and aren't warming his slippers for him. What's wrong with you? Men are pathetic creatures, sorry some men, and he is panicking now he has to look after himself. Using a toddler to get what he wants. I can't imagine why anyone would want such a pathetic person.

Hang in there tomato. You'll be fine. You've got your parents and daughter and loads of posters who are fighting with you to get through this. You don't need him.

Nevergrowingup · 27/04/2015 07:58

Tomato, stay strong. Everyone's advice is right. You don't owe him anything at the moment. You are not to blame for his predicament. Months of lying and deception and you're pushing HIM away?

He doesn't get to call the shots at the moment. Reply, but just reiterate your previous email. Keep it simple - he obviously has problems understanding things at the moment. As the saying goes, he's not the boss of you.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 27/04/2015 08:00

Was he not going to miss dd when he fucked off to Italy to live with his soulmate?

Did he have time to explore all this in his months of solo counseling?

BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 08:17

Was there even a word about how you might be feeling?

You know, given that a week ago you had just found out that your marriage was a lie and your life as you knew it was over?

Undeuxtwatcinq · 27/04/2015 08:30

As illogical as it seems in this instance, most men do seem to need to have anything emotional explained to them in simple sentences leaving nothing to chance in the interpretation and as you have said before he depends on you to tell him what to do. Whilst I am not condoning what he is doing in any way whatsoever, he may have gotten the thought in his head you are blocking him from seeing DD.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 08:35

He didn't need his soul-mate love for the OW explained to him.

He seemed more than capable of doing lots of emoting with his wife's help for the last half year or so.

It doesn't take some kind of super social skills to work out that if you do something that devastates somebody else, that you should prioritise their feelings afterwards.

Not expect them to worry about yours. Hmm

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 08:40

I think I will not respond. I haven't slept well and I have lost my fight for now. I have spelled out what I want him to do and why I want him to do it if there is any chance of recovering the marriage.

He is also snivelling about how difficult it will be to make arrangements about dd over email. I am not stopping him seeing her, and he has proven he can actually use email for all sorts of purposes.

OP posts:
Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 08:43

No thoughts about how I am and yes I think he has been forming his own narrative. He has already said he compromised when he asked me to marry him. And that our marriage was on the rocks before he met her. And that I am now pushing him away.

Hmm
OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 27/04/2015 08:48

Oh Tomato, that's harsh. Sad

Batten down the hatches and look after yourself. I'm angry about his comments on your behalf. How dare he say these things about you!

Rest, leave him in his drama-building phase. He's not worthy of your tears.

plainjanine · 27/04/2015 09:04

If is is actually true that he felt he compromised when he married you, he hasn't really been in the marriage whole-heartedly from the start. Whether true or not, that's a disgusting thing to say. Angry

He's pulling out all the stops to woo you back, isn't he?

Sorry, I'm angry on your behalf now Tomato.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 09:15

The compromising comment came in February, when his affair was off, but he was telling me he was close to calling time on our marriage unless we took some drastic action, which is why we went to relate. He then went away to "think" and resume the affair.

I cannot unhear all sorts of unkind things he has said to me since the start of the affair. My self esteem was at rock bottom when I found out and I wonder why.

Anyway I've had some toast, need to have a shower, walk my four legged friend and then we are taking dd to a petting farm so she can feed the lambs etc. We need to keep doing lovely things while we are here so she doesn't notice mummy being sad.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 27/04/2015 09:27

I probably would reply later today with just a brief note of what you wrote here:

I have told you I need time and space to deal with my emotions. Do you care that little?

It sounds like he is panicking. This doesn't excuse him from being a cock though.

Original poster
tomatoplantproject · 27/04/2015 09:33

John - yes thank you. I think that is a good response.

I think he needs space from me too in order to face up to his behaviour, and what he will lose if I leave, although his narrative may solidify in that time. I'm not sure.

His mum apparently tried to reach out to me on Thursday but had the wrong number. Not that my number has ever ever changed but there you go.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/04/2015 09:57

I'd alter John's reply a little,

"I have told you I need time and space to deal with my emotions. It speaks volumes that you choose to ignore this simple request despite everything you have done to our marriage"

Weebirdie · 27/04/2015 10:07

Yes, if you have to answer I would go with what Vivacia has suggested because it doesn't ask him a question and give him the excuse to reply whereas 'do you care so little' does.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 10:10

I'm not sure a whingey whine about feeling "pushed out", from a man who was actively making plans to leave his family for his girlfriend just weeks ago, is worth any kind of reply.

If you were feeling particularly generous you could maybe point out to him how utterly self-indulgent that e-mail is.

But honestly, he seems to be flunking this test.

Weebirdie · 27/04/2015 10:12

I just came back in to acknowledge that absolutely horrific comment about him compromising when he married you OP.

I dont know how anyone would want to or could find their way back from that. Its way worse than any affair.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/04/2015 10:16

If he replied to JohnRuskin's suggested e-mail, you'd have to divorce him anyway for failure to recognise a rhetorical question.