Husband's affair: I have started!

[tomatoplantproject]

I have had my first thread deleted this morning, because I posted too much identifying information and disclosed far too much detail about my plans. However the support I have received so far has been amazing, and I have such a long way to go still.

The story so far: I discovered at the weekend my husband has been having an on/off affair for the last 6 months. He finished it before I discovered the evidence because he had decided to choose me over her.

I have been utterly devastated by this. In my anger I have taken the practical steps I need in order to help secure my long term future (I think).

My final practical step will be to get our home back for dd and me for a while. And then let the dust settle and figure out how to rebuild or recreate my life. With minimal collateral damage to dd.

Please keep holding my hand.

And this was why I wanted to use this as the first test

I realise that, Tomato - and to be fair he hasn't actually said he won't move out yet

I guess you'll know when you receive a reply to your next email giving him an exact date, though I have to say it doesn't look promising so far

Yes, its not the best response, but its not the worst. You might just have to wait and see now...

That must be difficult. :(

Christina - no - I've only had some very half hearted declarations of love

Still, dd didn't want to talk to her daddy this evening and kept running away. He cried when she did this.

And despite not having time to find somewhere to live he has ironed his best new shirt and had a haircut

It's really hard. It's trying to second guess and read meaning into everything. When normally I would just go "ok then". Argh!

And I now see why being apart is so important because I can just sit here and rant at you guys and my parents and not be talked around by him. And conduct it in writing over email so I don't have to argue the bloody toss over Every. Single. Little. Fucking. Detail.

The thing is, they very rarely act like we expect. We have scenarios in our heads and then we get angry/hurt when they don't respond in that way

However we are basing it on how we would react to a situation

DD not wanting to talk is just what kids do . His crying is pathetic and manipulative. I hope she didn't see it. He seems to work away a fair bit. Does he usually cry if she doesn't talk to him?

He can cry by himself. Sorry to be harsh, but he is , IMO, at it. He should be doing as you ask, and making things as easy as they can be for you, and your DD.

One thing in all of this is that you know him better than anyone. The written word is always a tricky way of communicating in such tense situations. If your DH is one of these charismatic, lively people, not having those tools as his disposal will make it more difficult to write what he feels. However...

Just stick to what you had planned and let the days unfold. One thing I have discovered through life's more tricky moments is that it all seems to move forward so slowly, almost painfully. You watch all these amazing dramas and box sets on the TV and, apart from some dramatics, its resolved and fixed over a reasonable amount of time. Real life is almost the exact opposite.

It probably will be a series of half-hearted moments. He could move out whenever he wants - he's just testing the waters. Indeed, I feel that his comments are almost slightly indignant... "after all you have given me a lot to do... and I need to make... this...decision... last... as... long... as... I... can... because it could get really difficult and I didn't want that". He wanted the ego boost of having two women to choose from. And to feel good about choosing his DW.

Reality is setting in, especially your DD's reaction. That is a direct effect of his behaviour. He'd better get used to seeing the mess he's created.

Thank you Christina, MrsP and Never.

I'm just so sad. I've just had a big bawl on my mum. I never ever imagined he would do this to me and I feel so alone without him being around.

Dd has never run away from speaking to him before now. She normally sits and talks really nicely.

And actually the working away, and dd and I being away from him has only been a recent phenomenon. Since end of August in fact. Funny that.

Tomato, I think he was saying please don't start the clock ticking till I have my own place because he wants to he given a fighting chance at putting things right.

Which means he isn't even interested in doing what I've asked

I don't have any fight left. I can't even conjure up the energy to email him. All that anger has gone

Ah, you have crashed, I wondered a few days ago when that would happen

This is the exhausting , sad, lonely and empty phase and it will all just seem too much

You will need some looking after now, take things easy x

I am so so sorry to ask you this, especially when your evening hasn't been great. Did you ask him why he chose you? I have been worrying about this, but would the logistics of choosing the Italian job not have worked out, ie he didn't want to leave DD but she wouldn't come to England. I am so sorry for saying that, but would you want to work it out if that was the reason?

It is a process i think, don't fight these feelings you have just now - just go with it, you can't hang on to the anger forever and i should imagine it will be back, let your mum look after you. Its ok. You don't have to be strong all of the time - it actually takes strength to allow yourself to give in to emotion and you are more than capable of that.

I have asked but I don't entirely know why he chose me. She was going to move to the UK. I saw the emails between them discussing the practicalities. So I don't think that was it. That's a question for later on I think.

I've done the email saying I want him out so we can get back for nursery. If he does leave when I want then mum is going to return with me so I'm not on my own for a few days.

Their support is unwavering.

So they were thinking of being together?

That's great that yr Mum can come with you. did DD eat her dinner today.

Just relax for a few days and just be. You don't need to make any decisions, you just need to be gentle with yourself...you have had a shock

I've done the email saying I want him out so we can get back for nursery

Very well done, Tomato. I know (and understand) how you're feeling tonight, so that will have taken even more courage than usual. Thing is, to move forward at all you have to know what he's going to do about this, which is why the email was so important

Thrilled - though not surprised - that your lovely mum has offered to keep you company at home for a bit; that will help you enormously

Christina - yes they were

Anyway, poldark so I am going to switch off. Thank you so much for your kindness xx

I'm lying in bed with my mind racing. And I've picked up soft toy #2 and she's not made it into dd's bed tonight

I think every thing I ask him to do, and every test he goes through, his initial reaction will be to say no but once he has cooled he will agree. I have to hold my nerve.

I've also remembered a conversation we had about someone who does a lot of travelling for work and who had told dh there were a lot of guys who regularly had affairs. I think he was testing my reactions. And rather than realising he had to stop, it just made him determined he could never be honest, hence his lying and lying when I asked him to come clean. Because I can't remember what I said but I definitely didn't laugh or joke.

And I'm not making excuses for him, it's just another little piece of the puzzle.

Oh, and yes dd has eaten today. Shreddies for breakfast, at lunch she sat on granny's lap and ate some of granny's roast (which she quite often does with me) and houmous sandwich for tea.

Thought of you when I made couscous for my DCs tonight. Shall try houmous sandwich as they inhale the stuff. Sweet dreams Tomato.

There will be lots of things which go through your mind and drift into creating more questions and thoughts of '"did I miss something?" Yes, maybe you did. But considering you were unaware of his deceit, don't beat yourself up. This isn't about what you didn't do or think.

On the meal issue with your DD - one of my DCs was very difficult to feed. Many times I wondered how I could tempt them. Fast forward many years and I now watch in wonder as they plan their next visit to a sushi restaurant, eat seafood and vegetables, plan meals, cook, and enjoy a wide variety of food. Its like a miracle .

Its very early days and your emotions are starting to catch up. Not a bad thing especially as you have taken care of the practical things. I like the fact that you know you are safe where you are and if you need to stay longer, so be it.

Is anyone awake? He has emailed again saying he feels isolated and pushed away, because I don't want to talk to him. And he is using dd as an excuse to get in there.

Why won't he listen to me? I have told him I need time and space to deal with my emotions. Does he care that little?

Im awake and having a cuppa before leaving for the Dr's.

I think replying to him and saying well now you know how I felt when you were having you affair and being an absolute swine to me would be understandable but the reality is that ignoring what he's saying is the best course of action for now.

You may want to say you will only discuss DD with him but then again you may decide to only discuss DD with him and let him learn from experience that it will be your only contact.

Re any email he sends - chose a time in the day that you'll check your mails so that he'll also soon learn that wearing you down with random mails throughout the day wont work.

And can you see how its still all about him?