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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
Smooshface · 24/04/2015 06:31

You are hurting now, and with kids this is all so complicated and sad, but you are best off without him. Someone who can so casually do all this is someone you can definitely do without, you deserve so much better. Have a lovely weekend with the kids xx

MerryKat · 24/04/2015 07:20

Morning ophelia. Hope you have a lovely day with your twins. Stay strong my lovely xFlowers

Christinayangstwistedsister · 24/04/2015 07:33

Right mrs, time for the highlights today and perhaps a bit of decorating? Xx

FriendofBill · 24/04/2015 07:42

don't worry about telling the twins yet, let it unfold. When they ask, just say he's gone but he will see them soon?

They don't need to know or can know more than that.

He is an utter shit.

It will all fall down Ophelia, it really will. Because the foundation is built on lies.

You will be fine, follow advice from wise women of MN. Trust the process.

GERTI · 24/04/2015 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 24/04/2015 08:04

Yes they will be doing romance.

They will be having to prove to everyone that their love is amazing and was meant to be.

Grand vomit inducing gestures of the day will be in order.

They have to justify they are not just sleazy cheats.

It is meaningless and part of the script most cheaters follow.

chinuphigh · 24/04/2015 08:07

De- lurking for the second time to simply give you a hug. Have a lovely day with your beautiful children.You and the twins, are all that matters now. Please take all advise from the lovely MN ladies regarding your finances for you and the children,s sakes. Your dignity is astounding and you are clearly a very strong woman.. even though you may not feel that way just now. Have fun with your babies.

Izzy24 · 24/04/2015 08:47

I've never posted on one of these threads, but would like to add my support for all the wise words you've had so far.

From everything I've read on your threads I can't help but feel this is a blessing in disguise for you, even though it feels the very opposite.

You have a life of strength, truth and decency to look forward to.... In fact, you have already stepped onto that path by the way you are dealing with all this.

You couldn't possibly have lived like that with your husband. If I had lovely little twins like yours I know which path I would choose for them.

Wishing you a good day today OP.

Mama1980 · 24/04/2015 08:50

Morning ophelia, I hope you got some rest. Enjoy being with your twins today, stay strong x

cakedup · 24/04/2015 09:22

If by some chance he is so wrapped up in the throes of lust that he is unable to think clearly, and if he has any shred of decency in him, then he will not be able to look back on this one day without knowing what an utter cunt he has been.

I've read a lot of affair threads on MN, I think his behaviour is the worst I've seen. It is despicable. On a slightly positive note, as painful as this must be for you, I think his disgraceful behaviour will make it easier for you to get over this. Most of the time, women are confused either by the apparent remorsefulness of the OH if the OH has 'realised' the error of his ways, or even if they are leaving for the OW, they are still managing to come across as 'decent' which makes it harder to not want them back (no matter how the act of having an affair is indecency itself).

How this is not ringing huge alarm bells for the OW as well, his lack of regard for his family, (no matter how he spins it), either means she is really quite stupid or as has the same shitty standards as he does. It's probably a mixture of both.

Hold your head up high OP. They will get their comeuppance. You on the other hand have a much better life ahead of you without this dickhead.

Phoenix0x0 · 24/04/2015 09:29

I hope you had a restful night sleep.

I agree with PP.

Get a bolt for the door and take everything to your parents house.

If 'they' have a 'free' weekend, I think H will be too engrossed in the grand passion to think clearly. This will give you time to really cross all the t's and dot all the i's.

GERTI · 24/04/2015 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianofWay · 24/04/2015 10:38

"He's playing to an audience and trying to convince himself at the same time. It won't last because you can only fool yourself for so long."

Yep!

BoredAdminGirl · 24/04/2015 10:42

Just posting here to give you a hug and hope your day is better today x

parsnipbob · 24/04/2015 10:52

Just adding my voice to say I hope you have a nice day today Ophelia.

Lotsofponies · 24/04/2015 11:35

I agree with . Cakedup when they are being a bastard its so much easier. My EX H was an absolute bastard. I hadn't realized just how oppressive the relationship was was until I got away and rediscovered who I was. I was euphoric when my divorce came through. Glad you had an OK evening, OK is good for now, eventually it will become good.

BifsWif · 24/04/2015 11:38

Morning Ophelia, how are you feeling today? Are you off to your mums for the weekend? X

AwesomeAlmonds · 24/04/2015 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwesomeAlmonds · 24/04/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fearless91 · 24/04/2015 14:44

AwesomeAlmonds I think most men will admit whether or not the new girl in the office is good looking or not. It doesn't make them a bad male. I don't see any problem with her brother texting and saying she looked good either? If he likes the look of someone, what's wrong with admitting it?

If they then go onto being crude then yeah... Personally I think calling someone 'wank fodder' is disgusting. But telling someone they think a person looks good isn't a bad thing?

parsnipbob · 24/04/2015 14:55

Almonds I don't want to hijack this thread as it's not about anything but the OP but I don't like the statement 'decent women don't get talked about like that'. I have been called a slag before simply for ignoring a cat call/wearing a short skirt. Doesn't make me not decent. Tbh even if a woman is lying naked, spread Eagled with an 'I want you' shaved on her fanjo, it doesn't give a man the right to think he is entitled to shag her. The individuals on this thread are two shamelessly immoral, horrid people who have treated the OP disgustingly either way.

Anyway, that's my two cents. OP, I hope you are ok.

BoredAdminGirl · 24/04/2015 16:37

Hey OP, hope you are ok

olgafromthevolga · 24/04/2015 16:41

Ophelia,

I have been lurking on this thread (and the previous one) since they started and I just want to add my voice to all the support you have been given, and to let you know that I am thinking of you.

I was in the same position as you ten years ago and your thread has brought back to me all the shock and disorientation of those days - I remember looking at my ex and being horrified by how cold he was and wondering what made the OW so much better than me. I wouldn't have treated my worst enemy the way he treated me, and it hurt so much at the time

12 years later, I have a fantastic job which I love, a house which I bought with my own money (well, the bank's in large part but they lent it to me) and three beautiful children who think the world of me, and who I think the world of all the time. Life is very very happy

He, on the other hand, is still living with OW and bickers with her continuously - he has cheated on her a number of times and now has a fairly serious problem with alcohol - karma's a bitch, huh?

Now when I look back, I honestly think I had the luckiest escape - the man I thought I loved never really existed - the one he actually is, is an arsehole, at least he's somebody else's arsehole now.

I would like to send you virtual hugs and strength for the difficult days ahead - you WILL get through, and your life will be much better than it would have been with him it.

Take very good care of yourself x

Patchworkpatty · 24/04/2015 16:46

Hi Op I hope you are having a calm and happier day surrounded by those who love the bones of you. I just wanted to de-lurk momentarily to say how much your story has touched me and so many others. That you can even put one foot in front of another shoes phenomenal fortitude. please remember that for every one poster offering encouragement and advice here , there are probably at least ten times that reading and wishing you well. I hope the weekend offers you some peace and an opportunity to 'regroup' your thoughts. I am presuming your DM and DF know. ? If it were my DF he would be on his doorstep now with a horsewhip. I am not an advocate of violence but his behaviour is so despicable that sometimes only the old fashioned remedy will do... in fact I might start a campaign for the reinstatement of a bloody good horsewhipping for adulterers with an extra 20 whacks for those with children Wink

ThePinkOcelot · 24/04/2015 16:52

Almonds, are you calling her brother pond life?! Because he said someone looked good?! That's ridiculous in my opinion! Women can look good and men telling them so, doesn't make them pond life! Weird opinion!!

OP, I have read both of your threads and cannot believe how horrendous your H has been. Now he is pond life!! Onwards and upwards for you. I only wish them both a downwards spiral! What a disgusting pair.
You take care if yourself.