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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
itmightwork · 23/04/2015 21:37

Modesty and decency and loads of dignity. You sound like a great person who will get through this, albeit one day at a time.

Some fantastic advice here - you need to be one step ahead as he is not on your side. Definitely consider using the back door, I wouldn't put it past him to come into the house and take what he thinks is 'his'. Do not discuss finances or contact until you see the solicitor - take control of the bits you can like replying to his e-mails in your own time when you are ready.

Re-read your replies and take strength from everyone on here who wishes the best for you. And lean on your family and friends for support. Hope the curry was good.x

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 21:42

Thank you everyone for you're lovely messages of support.

The curry was nice but I found it hard to be out and about seeing all these happy couples laughing. I didn't eat much and I think my friend and brother did most of the talking (they bicker like an old married couple!) but it was good not to be trapped in the house.

DB isn't 100% sure because he didn't see the OW but he thinks it must have been her house he dropped the stuff off at. My H met him outside took the bag and said he couldn't talk long as dinner was almost ready but he would call DB in a few days so they could talk.

I'm so hurt that it's likely he's staying with her. I knew he intended to go there for the weekend so now I'm wondering do they have tomorrow off and are doing something romantic and special together?!

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 23/04/2015 21:46

No, that can't be right. Isn't her child there until the weekend? No matter how skanky you are you wouldn't have a stranger (in your child's eyes) staying over so soon. How utterly bizarre.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 23/04/2015 21:47

romantic and special

Dont think romantic and special is part of their M.O.

MerryMarigold · 23/04/2015 21:53

I was thinking the same about the child being there. But this exH sounds like he could get his way if he wanted and obviously his needs override anyone else's including her child's.

Undeuxtwatcinq · 23/04/2015 21:54

If u want to check Can you google the address and see if anything comes up that might give u a clue whose house it is? Sometimes voters roll comes up with info.

Justusemyname · 23/04/2015 21:55

Given that most decent people wouldn't have shagged a married man it isn't that much of a shock she might have him there with her child already.

grumbleina · 23/04/2015 21:55

You know, it's actually disgusting if he did have your brother go there. He couldn't meet him somewhere? He couldn't arrange to be somehwere else? It's your brother- he knows it'll go back to you. Have some respect for the marriage you had and the woman you loved you absolute twat.

Weebirdie · 23/04/2015 21:56

Ophelia, once again I just want to say - there' no need for your brother to talk to him. By all means lets him act as a go between but to actually sit down with this man and let him talk isn't conducive to anything good.

Lindor2828 · 23/04/2015 21:56

He couldn't take for long because his dinner was nearly ready? Well how bloody lovely Hmm

MerryMarigold · 23/04/2015 21:56

Down, I agree...I think romantic and special in their language = sordid and selfish

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 21:57

down i believe she has her kid through till Friday when the ex picks him up as he has him every other weekend.

DH did say he was staying with a friend so maybe it's just a work one I don't know. I'm just jumping to worst case situations now I think because I'm feeling very down and miserable about it all.

Agreed to go to my mums tomorrow and I can't wait to see my beautiful twins. I don't even know how to explain to them daddy won't be home anymore. They're used to Jim working long outs / occasionally being away for work so at the moment they just think they're on holiday and daddy is working away.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 21:57

He won't phone your brother, he knows that you will have told him the full story. He is only interested in talking to people that he thinks he can get on side by giving them a very sanitized version

Undeuxtwatcinq · 23/04/2015 21:57

I only suggest that as I hate not knowing things...If you think you are going to wonder about it, then potentially finding out might be better, even though you might not like it.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 21:58

What age are they?

Lindor2828 · 23/04/2015 21:59

I also agree I don't think your Db should give this twat the opportunity to explain himself. Nothing he can say will make it sound any better.

magoria · 23/04/2015 22:01

You have used a name in your last post. You may want to ask MNHQ to edit it out for you.

Lindor2828 · 23/04/2015 22:02

I think she meant 'him'

Ledkr · 23/04/2015 22:04

I found couples hard to look at for ages.
I remember going to toys r us at xmas and it was like couple hell!
I was in a right old state till my mate laughed at me!

parsnipbob · 23/04/2015 22:07

Ophelia you're doing really well in the face of relentless callous and cruel treatment from your dickhead H. I so admire you.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 23/04/2015 22:15

When looking at all the " happy" couple, just remember, you don't really know what is going on in there lives

magoria · 23/04/2015 22:29

Also remember this time last week you thought you were one of those happy couples and it was all just a lie.

Don't believe everything you see.

PoppyField · 23/04/2015 22:49

Hi OP,

Just to add my admiration and encouragement to you in the face of the most awful behaviour from your tosser of an H. His blatant and unrepentant arseholiness is jaw-dropping.

And yes, seeing other couples looking happy out and about is difficult as your fantasy is that they are all fantastically happy. As Magoria says, you know that can't be true.

A point about the legal stuff and the house. Even though your name isn't on the deeds, it is a marital asset so it is half yours. However, because your name isn't on the deeds your H could get a loan on the value of the house, using it as collateral, without you knowing a thing about it. In effect your house could be mortgaged from underneath you. What any decent solicitor will do is to register your interest in the property with the Land Registry, so that no further mortgage can be taken out without you being alerted first. Get that done just in case!

There is no telling how low-down and dirty this man will get, going on how much he has packed in just this week. He sounds like a psychopath. His lack of conscience is quite shocking. He has obviously given himself permission to behave like this - but it is mind-boggling. You don't need to know his reasons... especially as he peppers his conversations with 'she turns me on more than anything' or 'sample the goods'. You really don't need that kind of information. Tell as many people as you can. He deserves to feel the horror and disgust from normal, sentient human beings.

molyholy · 23/04/2015 22:53

You are doing so well ophelia. It must be so hard. You can see how much support you have on mn, so any time you are having a wobble, re-read your thread. We're all behind you. Stay strong x

MaMaof04 · 24/04/2015 06:04

Ophelie!
Romantic and them do not go together.
To be romantic you need strong feelings that take you ABOVE yourself- soul and heart tormented. With them all you have is some cheap porn- their lust put them on their knees and all it torments is some stationary in the cupboard.
So X-rate any thoughts you have about them as a couple.
I understand your feelings when you see other happy couples- they might or might not be happy. That does not matter. Accept this feeling but at the same time learn to appreciate what you can do and enjoy on your own. It is more much more than what you think right now. When I looked at other happy couples, I learnt to be happy for them and I enjoyed the setting around me, fully: the wind on my face, the infinite multitude of greens in the leaves, the music, the noises, the smells etc etc
Remember, it is your second teenage -hood and you are better equipped to build a better grown-up identity.
Take care of your finances - Think about them as some porn cheap couple.
Enjoy the joy around you and the immensurable bounty of the nature and of many people. Yes he showed an ugly face- but this face will reveal you the goodness of others who will help you through.
Enjoy your DT and your family.
XX