Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

[OpheliaRose]

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

Delurking...just wanted to say how sorry I am that your husband can treat you this way.

Keep listening to the fab advice on here and get some real life people round you! The virtual friends on mumsnet are crap at hugs and practical help...

Exactly bjrce, he can't keep a lid on it now and he's pissed.

My tuppence worth...

As a poster said to me on one of my threads - 'right, shields up!'.

Do not engage with him. You're too fragile and may understandably say things that don't reflect the dignified and lovely person you seem to be from your threads. Plus - it will drive him MAD!.

As long as you engage and show your distress he is getting what he wants. Proof that he is desperately important. He already thinks that, he's got his new 'girlfriend' so he thinks he's hot, irresistible, he caught her when everyone else wanted her blah blah blah and you left broken and devastated because he's so damn fantastic.

Cut off his supply of attention from you. Have ice in your veins when dealing with him. He does not care about you let alone love you and that is SO painful but don't give anything away.

You'll make your own decisions but I wouldn't contact HR or go out of your way to get the truth out there. It WILL all come out in good time. If people ask, keep it factual and not emotional - imagine it's a Police statement for example if that helps. So 'I was shocked to find out of his affair and see evidence of it in pictures and texts. We were planning the future on our recent holiday so I'm surprised to hear he felt unhappy'. Don't give too many details or add the emotional impact.

You have every reason to feel angry and bitter but don't act from those emotions - he WILL use it against you. I have seen friends go through this and put stuff on FB or tell lots of people the sordid details and it resulted in the H rewriting history EVEN further and say 'see what I've been dealing with for so long, trying to live with this horrible angry person'. Or 'I left because I was unhappy but she can't handle that so she's having to make out I was having an affair and OW was only a friend before we split but was there for me and we got close'.

The people that matter to you will know the truth. The others don't matter. They really don't.

Keep doing what you're doing. You are dignified and strong. He will not be able to look back at his behaviour and be proud - you will.

And he will want you back at some point. Even if he wants the OW he will try it on with you at some point because if you seem to be handling it all well, he'll want to prove to hid ego that he could get you back if he wanted.

Remember all that you're going through now and his callous behaviour and cut him off emotionally from you right now. Never let him get a foot in the door.

Oh dear. I'm sorry but do expect him to get nastier. They really don't like it when the bubble of 'my great dream' starts to burst.

Ignore. Keep ignoring. If anything, you'll get a bit more proof of just how worthless he really is to you.

You're doing amazingly. Really.

I wouldn't reply at all, he isn't worth it - but it is surprising how a screenshot of his online antics with the OW can accidentally get posted to Facebook with him tagged in it isn't it

Hi Ophelia . I'm just wondering if you or your parents have told his parents what is going on.. this could have a huge impact on their contact with their dgc and can't imagine they will be best pleased.. (I still have my horsewhip at the ready should any df/dfil wish to avail themselves..) I am in awe of how you have coped with his despicable behaviour.

You are amazing Ophelia, there are so many wise posters here please listen to them. I am shocked at how low your H is willing to stoop. Have you changed his name in your phone yet? "Cockwomble" would be an excellent choice.

for you. Stay strong

Fontella and Alwaysstaytoolong have hit the nail on the head. It doesn't matter what you say to him - no matter how clever or angry, you are just hitting the ball back into his court to come back at you with something even meaner. Ignore, ignore, ignore. And tell everyone about his actions.

You are being so brave Ophelia, so many people are standing with you right now, keep listening, I hope you are gaining some strength from the amazing advice and support on here. Keep posting.

If this is 'out' at work just think

All those guys who were thinking they were in with a chance (or already had a BJ) with Ms Wonderful.

They and the other women will condemn her even if they are nice to her face. Even though he was the married one she will be the one they all look at as a home wrecker.

None of the other women will want her near their partners.

Another one for the 'don't respond'. As everyone else has said, it does mean that he will get nastier unfortunately and if you're in any way doubting yourself, he will drive that final nail in the coffin. He will be frustrated at your lack of response and likely will start to see his new and exciting 'relationship' as a bit of a limp lettuce, compared to how pragmatic and dignified you are being.

That doesn't mean you can't wail and scream when you feel like it. Just don't let him see any emotion whatsoever from you. He will also likely come back at some point saying he's made a mistake. That will be the real tough one for you, because you remember him as he was - not how he is now and of course you want things to be how they were. BUT they can't be ... if you were to give in to him, he'll do this again because he's SHOWN you who he is, and when someone does that, believe them.

Please just DO NOT blame yourself for this - whatever he might have said to other people or WF (he will only have said these things in order to get into her rancid knickers), remember that none of this is true. You were there. You know how things were and were given absolutely no clue to what was going on inside his tiny little pea brain.

Cant remember if i have delurked on this one yet or not but..Fuck me, what a prize A arse this man is.

So first text he said it won't go any further, second text he said you have done him a favour???? Doesn't make sense. Your silence is irking him greatly. Stay strong. Do not respond. he thought he would have you in the palm of his hand. He hasn't and is beginning to realise this. He is being purposefully mean to rattle you. He is a twat

This ^^

Maybe just switch your phone off for now? He's out to hurt you with his messages tonight

And this

and

Get some support around you tonight, batten down the hatches!

but I don't care

And just to add that I have never, ever wanted to slap (and worse) two people as hard as I do in all my life. May their futures be bleak.

I would just send Earsareconstantlyringing's fab text as one last response, and then have radio silence. It's too tempting to pass up. Otherwise he's going to be sitting congratulating himself on his good fortune at being able to now sit in the pub with 'their' friends, touching her up under the table.

No texts!

Especially not long or vulnerable ones.

If you have to reply, just send, LOL

Can I just say I had a friend who was the OW. At 19 she was young and really stupid. Myself and all our other friends thought her behaviour appalling and told her so.

The OW's friends in this case will most definitely think very poorly of her actions, friends or not.

I still haven't responded. About to put the twins to bed and then I think I'm
Going to curl up on the sofa and cry.

I've just had enough for now. He's also text me saying he wants to see the twins tomorrow night for dinner and that he'll leave work early so he can come get there and take them to their fave Italian for dinner. He says he's respected my wishes and stayed away but he wants To see his children and if I'm going to act the way I am (texting his work colleagues) then he will be taking steps to make sure he gets time with his children.

I want to reply saying that's fine DB or dad will be here to hand over weds early afternoon and he can bring them home in time for bed and any further requests for access can be discussed with my solicitor

Yep I second Gerti, great response.

How dare he lecture you on your behaviour when he's been shagging some tart behind your back!!!

What I would do? I'd say 'fine, no problem'. But I'd book myself and DB/DF a table too and be right there in the restaurant, watching.

Might not be the wisest thing but I'd make the bastard squirm. And I'd hold my head up high.

Majoria has a point actually. All those love-sick young arses blokes in the office who believed that "she made them the centre of her world when they talked" have had their noses put well out-of-joint. I bet those in his office who are saying what a nice person she is, are all blokes who've also been hoping for blow jobs in the stock cupboard. Hell, for all we know, they might have copped lucky as well. She doesn't seem to be overly fussy with her favours. I bet the women have a different opinion.

ooh he is getting nasty now as predicted. What has his contact with the children got to do with you telling the truth about him? What an utter knob. I would continue telling folk the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of. How bloody dare he.

your reply about the children and solicitor sounds perfect. Just send that, keep it simple and factual.

And actually, this request isn't about seeing the children. Sorry, it's not. This is him asserting his 'power' and again, telling you what is happening. Not saying that he shouldn't see the children, but he's using them to get to you, because he knows that you'll respond to this particular request.

Shithead.