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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Affair - not sure how to cope part 2

954 replies

OpheliaRose · 23/04/2015 08:58

In my previous thread I found out my husband was having an affair with a girl from work and has decided to leave me for her.

My previous thread is here for anyone who would like to se ether full details Old Thread

OP posts:
TakemeforwhatIam · 28/04/2015 14:59

Sounds like he is rattled- about bloody time too. He can't have it his way, come across as Mr nice guy make you out to be unreasonable. Hold off on the reply, see what happens next. If needs be then tell him why should I lie? I imagine WF is furious too. Keep up the dignity, you're doing so well, even if it feels like your not.

Wristy · 28/04/2015 15:01

Yep, I'd agree just leave him to it now. Can you imagine the lunchtime chat at the office?

He's tore your world apart, felt it 'honest' that he tell you she was so many things that you didn't need to hear. Felt it 'honest' that he doesn't change his FB status. Felt it 'honest' that he did it out of 'respect'.

Please don't worry about telling his friend (if she truly was his friend and she truly never knew before you told her she'll be pretty pissed I'd imagine). You need to just get on with sorting the other stuff now. This is HIS shitstorm.

ClareAbshire · 28/04/2015 15:17

Another one saying I'm glad he's pissed off. About fucking time. What a fucking dickhead.

Theoldcauliflower · 28/04/2015 15:20

God I can't believe the cheek of him!!!
Tell him to go and fuck his self!!

Lifeisadancefloor · 28/04/2015 15:23

There is no limits to this mans behaviour is there - you are well rid OP

Earsareconstantlyringing · 28/04/2015 15:25

Oh Ophelia, my love. I've read your thread and what comes across loud and clear is your strong sense of what is right, and his blatant disregard for it. While I wholeheartedly applaud your determination to do the right thing and not lower yourself to his appallingly low levels of decency, I think you're misguidedly holding back because you don't want to upset or anger him.

I think we're all rooting for you to stand your ground here. He thinks he knows you and knows that he can dictate what happens and when. He, through his actions of late, has clearly shown he has no morals or any sense of remorse about what he's put you through. While I don't think you need to turn this into an out and out war, I think you're more than entitled to fight back. This can be by telling people what he did, or by standing up to him in any way you can.

If you stay quiet, he will continue to rewrite history and tell the 'we were rocky, I'd been unhappy for a long time' story which we all know isn't true. If he's so happy to move on so quickly, lock, stock and barrel, then he should deal with the consequences, which is that everyone knows what the story is. Noone will laugh, noone will judge you and you will find the most amazing support is out there. He, and his cheap, nasty replacement can deal with the fall out as it's no less than they deserve, but please my love, for your sake, don't feel afraid to be truthful. He lost the right to your protection (because, this is what you're doing) the moment he betrayed you.

You deserve so much more. He deserves nothing but your contempt, but that will come.

You are doing so well, even if it doesn't feel like it. Be strong, and take all the offers of support that are out there.

middlethird · 28/04/2015 15:29

"I stuck to the facts when asked. Should I lie? Don't answer that - please only contact me regarding the children"

Or - how about "you fucking arrogant selfish cunt of a human."?

Perhaps not. People are right, no replying is the way to go...

I'm thinking he needs a fucking massive dose of reality here, he shouldn't just carry on thinking and behaving like the fucking DON. RAHHHHHHH Angry!!!!! this is his doing, his problem! Please don't feel guilty xxx

Not sure if anyone has said, but you should get yourself tested...

tumbletime · 28/04/2015 15:33

Ophelia, I have been following your thread from the start and you are an amazingly strong woman. I cannot believe the gall of your husband and I get more and more irate as the days go on and he behaves worse and worse. The rational part of me agrees with everyone else when they say not to respond to that last message. The bit of me that can't let things like this slide would be tempted to simply respond "if you are ashamed of your actions that is on you not me".

middlethird · 28/04/2015 15:33

If you stay quiet, he will continue to rewrite history and tell the 'we were rocky, I'd been unhappy for a long time' story which we all know isn't true. If he's so happy to move on so quickly, lock, stock and barrel, then he should deal with the consequences, which is that everyone knows what the story is.

Well put ear

THIS! I was trying to say this... Keep your dignity and tell people the truth - you had no idea until you caught him with his dick where it shouldn't have been. GOD, I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!

Dumdedumdedum · 28/04/2015 15:47

Telling people the truth and responding to DickHead whenever he deigns to message Ophelia are two completely different things, though.

parsnipbob · 28/04/2015 15:50

I don't know, I don't see why a strong reply is better than no reply at all.

LoopyLily · 28/04/2015 15:54

Because you are an individual with rights to tell who you want the truth, tell him, you won't be keeping his sordid secret, he should be ashamed of himself.

duckyneedsaclean · 28/04/2015 15:57

I wouldn't be able to resist replying with

"what on earth do you think gives you the right to question me? I think the more pressing question is why did you blame your children for you shagging around at work? And did you imagine I would allow her to continue thinking that? Don't reply. From now on only contract me about the children."

laurierf · 28/04/2015 15:58

Personally I would not engage in this man's ridiculous bullshit. Tell people the plain truth - it speaks for itself. Do not encourage arsehole to think he has the right to ask you to justify your actions to him!! Just ignore him. Do not encourage unnecessary contact from him or get into a slanging match. He needs to fuck right off now.

IrianofWay · 28/04/2015 16:12

Jeez! He really does want it both ways doesn't he? Do you think he might be panicking a little now as reality dawns over Affairyland?

MerryMarigold · 28/04/2015 16:17

Keep your dignity and tell people the truth

I agree with this. Dignity doesn't mean silence, but it means not getting malicious (though he deserves it). Just keep it factual and honest, which is what you have done with work colleague already. You were not mean whatsoever. I have my fingers crossed that other people he's currently lying to, get in touch with you so you can tell the truth to them.

sassandfaff · 28/04/2015 16:26

"H had messaged me asking why I told his friend about the affair. I haven't responded yet."

Translation.

"I have put a lot of effort into fabricating an elaborate ruse as to why we have split up and you have ruined it for me."

I also would ignore. but if he persists- 'we are no longer a couple, i have nothing to say, unless it is about the dcs'

Frizzybear · 28/04/2015 16:27

The one thing I have asked my DH is that he tells people the truth, that he has left as he no longer loves me after 22 years, I will not allow him to use the we've grown apart shit, or be held in anyway responsible for the break up of my family, this is his choice and his alone, so far he has done that with the few family members he's had to tell, he owes me that at least, don't hide the truth ophelia tell it how it is, if he was any sort of man or father he would understand and not hide away like the spineless wanker that he is

LadyofSpain · 28/04/2015 16:42

Ophelia, if you only tell one more person the full horror story, please make it his mother. It was obvious from her message to you that he had spun a tissue of lies. Please, please stand up fof yourself now, before it's too late. You really do have the upper hand, but don't seem to realise it.

Like everyone else, I'm utterly furious on your behalf.

HootyMcTooty · 28/04/2015 17:01

Oh my days, I feckin hate hate hate him!

I can think of about a hundred sublime responses to his message, but really the best response is no response. Anyone asks, tell them the truth, he can keep on guessing what you're doing and why. This is where you start to show him that by his doing you are no longer in a relationship and therefore he has no right to know what you think, feel or do.

OpheliaRose · 28/04/2015 17:01

I still haven't responded he's text me twice more, first again demanding to know why I told people at his work. Apparently that's his business he said luckily it won't get any further bit as they are his friends not mine I should not be telling them anything.

His next message said on reflection I've done him a favour now at least he and ow can be together while out with Friends.

I know he's just trying to hurt me because I ruined his stupid sob story routine

OP posts:
tumbletime · 28/04/2015 17:03

He's a dick.

FelicityGubbins · 28/04/2015 17:05

Luckily it won't get any further??? Time to contact HR I think...

Frizzybear · 28/04/2015 17:07

Words just fail me, he's lost the bloody plot, callous, nasty thoughtless bastard, that text is purely out of spite, all this will give you strength, your anger will kick in and make you strong, had a couple of glimmers of it too Matie today, then another plummet but it's coming, we'll get through this together, just keep posting and please pm if you want too, like I said before we are at the exact same point in this Mess as each other, xxxxxxx

KaputKiss · 28/04/2015 17:08

Please do not respond - that should piss him off a little bit more. Please tell more people if you can. I am so angry on your behalf ConfusedConfusedConfused